I’ve been thinking about Christian parenting lately, and more specifically, how that looks different today than maybe in the past. When I started thinking back to scripture, my mind first wandered to several “what not to do” stories, which abound in the Bible. For example:
- Don’t pass out drunk before securing your loincloth first (See: Noah)
- Don’t hand over your virgin daughters to an angry mob to be gang-raped (See” Lot)
- Don’t lay your son out on top of a big rock and attempt to sacrifice him to God (See: Abraham)
I could go on, but you get the idea. There’s plenty of fodder for sub-par parenting in the Good Book if we want to find it. But based on the examples of Christian parenting I see in more contemporary culture, the things we’d be best to move beyond are a little subtler (sometimes anyway) than the examples above.
Consider James Dobson’s (former head of Focus on the Family) writing on raising children. He advocates corporal punishment, placing the male as the “head of the household,” and other advice that makes a guy like me cringe. And interestingly, a lot of the differences I have with traditional (some might say “evangelical”) Christian parenting parallel my differences in how to approach Christian community all together.
In that light, here are five habits, often attributed to “Christian parenting” values, that I’d just as soon replace with something new:
Beatings will continue until morale improves. Though physical violence is a shortcut to compliance, it sends the wrong message to our kids. We say as Christians that our core values center on mercy, love, grace and compassion, so where exactly does corporal punishment fit in this? Some will contend that sparing the rod spoils the child, but the Hebrew word (shebet) often translated as “rod” can also be translated as “authority.” In this sense, we can interpret that the author of Proverbs (from which this 12th century phrase seems to come from) may have meant that if we don’t use our wisdom, authority and influence to guide our children’s lives, they will likely be lost.
Because I said so. This style of parenting is a bit like being in the middle of a theological debate and throwing down the “The Bible says it; I believe it; that settles it” trump card. True respect doesn’t come from browbeating or intimidating someone into compliance or silence. It comes from living the example you preach, and in doing so, illuminating a path your children – and perhaps even others – desire to follow.
Father is King. This certainly isn’t limited to Christian households (my dad was an atheist and ascribed to this ethos), but it’s certainly prevalent within lots Christian families. From Promise Keepers to the Family Research Council and Focus on the Family, there are many faith-based groups that base their family values on the establishment and maintenance of a clear, hierarchic order. Everyone knows their role, their place, and that the dad is ultimately in charge. Yet in Galatians, Paul says that as Christians such labels and hierarchies should fall away. If, instead, the principles of the Greatest Commandment (Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind; Love your neighbor as yourself) are placed at the head of any family, the rest falls into its proper place.
Sex is dirty; save it for marriage. We Christians have such a screwed up relationship with sex and sexuality, it’s a wonder we keep finding a way to
reproduce at all! From Eve to Bathsheba and Delilah, we delight in paining the woman as the sexual temptress who leads men astray, as if we have no control over ourselves. And from this, any number efforts to oppress the rights and identities of women emerge. But guess what? We’re still clueless when it comes to sex. We tell our kids about how scary, dirty, dangerous and evil even thinking about sex is, but then we tell them it’s precious gift to save for the one person you love and plan to live with forever. This is a setup for sexual confusion, guilt and even sexual addiction or abuse later in life.
Think like me when you grow up. Many Christians say that their faith is all about a personal relationship with Christ, trumpet the primacy of free will and love to quote scriptures about “seek and you shall find.” But not when it comes to our kids. We feel the need to force-feed our notion of the faith on them far too often, rather than trusting that, given the chance, they will find God on their own terms as they come to understand it. More often than not, it seems at least within my generation, the didactic forcible approach to raising kids in the Christian faith causes them to run the other direction as soon as they’re able. How many millions more will it take walking away from Christianity forever before we finally wake up and realize that maybe we’re part of the problem?
About Christian Piatt
I wonder, why the focus on Christian religion…why not other religions that advocate the exact same thing. OH that’s right….. Being anti christian is cool, being anti jewish , anti muslim isn’t cool. BTW, the example above, are also practised by the jewish faith and the muslim faith as well.
@Janet Dell … yup, you hit the nail on the head.
Noah … Old Testament? Perhaps Christian you could have sited where he was at in the bible? Lot … again Old Testament? Abraham … again, Old Testament?
Given what you use as examples at the beginning, perhaps you should change the title of the article to Jewish parents? Or perhaps Islam?
1.)Beatings will continue until morale improves. Approved smacking of one’s child for not performing should be the last resort and there should be no harshness in doing this or it should not be done in anger.
2.) Because I said so. Even though the child is not accountable, his guardian is, and it is not permissible for him to enable him to do something harmful to his faith, he’ll get used to it and it will be difficult to change. The one who neglects to teach his child that which will benefit him and leaves him with no care has done poorly The corruption of most children is due to their parents and their neglect of (their children), because they neglect to teach them the obligations. So they neglected them when they were small, and (the children) turned out unable to benefit themselves or to benefit their parents when they are old.
3.) Father is King. God’s displeasure is in the displeasure of the father. Fathers are significant because they are commanded by God to work hard to provide the physical, educational, psychological, and spiritual needs of a child. The right of your father on you is that you should know that it is he who brought you into existence, and you are a branch of the tree of his life.The father in essence is the role model of the child and has been given the pedestal of leadership in the home: The man (father/husband) is the keeper and leader of his family.
4.)Sex is dirty; save it for marriage. Sexual urge should be fulfilled only through marriage.
5.) Think like me when you grow up. See number #3 above
“More often than not, it seems at least within my generation, the didactic forcible approach to raising kids in the Christian faith causes them to run the other direction as soon as they’re able. How many millions more will it take walking away from Christianity forever before we finally wake up and realize that maybe we’re part of the problem?” …. This is insulting at best.
On #1 - You are being “selective”at best to lump all of the discipline verses that use the word “rod” into one category as you have. For example, Proverbs 23:13-14 make absolutely no sense in the definition you give. Why would there be any concern about a child “dying” from a parent exercising authority? Clearly the author is talking about physical punishment of some kind. I’m the last to advocate needless or unrestrained physical discipline. But to rule it out altogether because of a misguided, wholesale mistranslation of one Hebrew word is foolish at best. Let’s appreciate what the LORD has actually said…not twist it to say what we wish He had said.
@Carey … you are so right. Things pulled out of context, put on a secular site can only cause confusion and misunderstanding.
I also take issue with “Christian faith causes them to run the other direction as soon as they’re able. How many millions more will it take walking away from Christianity forever before we finally wake up and realize that maybe we’re part of the problem?” ….. This is like saying that diligent parents who enforce their rules cause their kids to run. In my experience, I see the opposite. I see kids that lack the discipline, guidance and clear cut direction/expectations run amuck.
The many Christians I’ve spoken to struggle with the state that their religion in is. Many struggle with its leniency. The Muslim faith is growing and I see some Christians going in that direction because of its standards and expectations. So, are Christians running because their faith is too harsh or too liberal.
The secularization of Christianity. Environmentally adjusted morals and standards. People thrive on structure and clear boundaries, both of which are being lost in modern so called progressive religions.
“Christian faith causes them to run the other direction as soon as they’re able. How many millions more will it take walking away from Christianity forever before we finally wake up and realize that maybe we’re part of the problem?”
I actually thought there would be more responses to this article so I was holding off. The truth is that which I wrote in my original response was neutralized so as to appear my responses were taken from a Christian perspective. The reality is the following which was taken from various Islamic sites.
So Mr. Piatt, and any others that find it comfortable questioning Christianity, when you attempt to cause discourse within the Christian community, that which you speak of also applies to Islam, which by the way is the fastest growing faiths in the world.
1.) Beatings will continue until morale improves. “The Prophet of Islam (peace and blessings be upon him) approved smacking of one’s child for not performing compulsory prayer when they reach the age of ten, but according to jurists this should be the last resort and there should be no harshness in doing this or it should not be done in anger.”
2.) Because I said so. Ibn al-Qayyim (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:
Even though the child is not accountable, his guardian is, and it is not permissible for him to enable him to do something haraam, for he will get used to it and it will be difficult to wean him from it.
Tuhfat al-Mawdood bi Ahkaam al-Mawlood (p. 162).
And he (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:
The one who neglects to teach his child that which will benefit him and leaves him with no care has done a very bad deed. The corruption of most children is due to their parents and their neglect of (their children), because they neglect to teach them the obligations and Sunnahs of Islam. So they neglected them when they were small, and (the children) turned out unable to benefit themselves or to benefit their parents when they are old.
3.) Father is King. “God’s pleasure is in the pleasure of the father, and God’s displeasure is in the displeasure of the father.”
Fathers are significant because they are commanded by Allah (swt) to work hard to provide the physical, educational, psychological, and spiritual needs of a child. ‘Ali ibn al-Husain (r) is reported to have said,
“The right of your father on you is that you should know that it is he who brought you into existence, and you are a branch of the tree of his life.”
“The father in essence is the role model of the child and has been given the pedestal of leadership in the home: ‘The man (father/husband) is the keeper and leader of his family’. (Mishkãt).
4.)Sex is dirty . Save it for marriage. “Since the sexual urge begins at puberty and as Islam says that sexual urge should be fulfilled only through marriage, it has allowed marriage as soon as the boy and the girl reach the age of puberty. In the case of girls, it not only allows them to be married as soon as they become mature, but also recommends such marriage. It is based on such teachings that Islam discourages girls from postponing their marriage because of education; instead, it says that girls should get married and then continue their education if they wish to do so.”
5.) Think like me when you grow up. See number #3 above
Where as people are okay with continual open season on Christianity, Islam is off limits. When I read the many responses to various articles relating to Christianity (generally in a negative), I reflect on things I’ve read about Islam.
Having had clients on the unit that were Muslim, and currently have two on the unit, I found that even though I am a Christian, I have a responsibility to see that the young man follows his faith and traditions. Ramadan is coming up in August and the last time we had a Muslim on the unit during Ramadan, his father was amazed that I, as a Christian, knew more about fasting then his son.