Women often experience an implicit (and sometimes even explicit) expectation from those around them to be both a full-time professional and an ever-present mom.
I consider myself a feminist, which means (to me at least) I support the elimination of barriers to access for all people, regardless of their gender. But in spite of that, the equality that follows such efforts comes with its own consequences for the culture, and sometimes even for the woman herself.
My wife, Amy, pastors a prominent church in downtown Portland. She has office hours, late-night meetings and weekend commitments that keep her away from home quite a bit, sometimes more often than she’d prefer. I work most days from home as a writer, which means I have greater flexibility in my schedule to take the kids, pick them up, and sometimes make dinner or even put the little guys to bed. It’s not often that Amy gets home after both kids are asleep, but it happens. And when it does, I see the pain on her face.
Zoe, our four-year-old, had a dad’s night at her preschool this past week, at which they presented us with the requisite finger paintings and other artifacts of her classroom time. But my favorite thing was a letter that she dictated to her teacher for me. The very first sentence in the letter was as follows:
“My dad loves taking me to school every morning.”
She’s right; I do. And I know sometimes Amy gets jealous when she has to kiss the kids on the head and dash out the door for an early meeting. Again, this is not a day-in, day-out thing, but it seems that when it happens, she struggles with it more than when I used to do it. For the first 10 years or so of our marriage, I was the office job guy, affording her the opportunity to go to graduate school, stay home with our newborns and eventually, start a new church in our home. But I do think that, because in our culture it’s still often “expected” than men will be the primary providers, there was less of a cultural bias for me to overcome in leaving the kids.
Amy has told me that, although she has found her place in the professional world, she experiences an implicit (and sometimes even explicit) expectation from those around her to be both a full-time professional and an ever-present mom. So in a way, hers has been a process of addition rather than adjustment or reallocation. And lest anyone thinks this is an isolated experience, I heard a woman in NPR being interviewed about this very thing some time back, so it must be true!
Overall, as women enter the full-time workplace in growing numbers, they’re experiencing more of the same side effects that men “enjoy” from overwork and related stress, including increased hypertension, heart disease and other risk factors related to eating on the run and missing out on exercise. Yes, there are exceptions to every rule, but research is finding that, as women gain opportunities once enjoyed predominantly by men, they’re also suffering from the effects those opportunities can have too.
For a more stark example, the United States military lifted the restriction this week that barred women from holding combat positions. Though this is a win for gender parity, the implications of what this means for those women who put their lives at greater risk is sobering.
There’s plenty of friction among women discussing the issue as well. Theologian and author Phyllis Tickle talks publicly about turning points that have affected family dynamics and, secondarily, church community, such as access to birth control and workplace parity. Her point – or at least one of them – seems to be that when children don’t come home to a parent after school or take the time to gather intentionally around a table for a meal, the family identity suffers. Others, such as author and blogger Julie Clawson, push back on this notion, suggesting that unfair blame is being cast in women’s direction, and that such claims draw a false correlation.
Some suggest that such trends mean we’re headed down a dangerous path, and they use this as their basis for calling for what they call a return to “traditional family values.” Others place the blame on unrealistic expectations for working mothers to be superhuman, a social burden that is not equally shared by men in a similar position. Others point a finger at our economic system, blaming the need for families to depend on two full-time incomes in many cases to subsist in the American middle class. Still others argue that these trends are largely a confabulation, manufactured by a society wrestling with gender roles, norms and a sense of ground shifting beneath their feet.
I told Amy over dinner a few nights ago (we made it together) that I predicted we will see a shift back toward what some would call more traditional gender roles in our children’s adulthood. Without such barriers to access, there is likely to be more fluidity in more of a back-and-forth dynamic, as people search for the kind of balance of multiple roles they feel fit best for them and their loved ones. As for me, I can handle the “pastor’s wife” jokes and the “mister mom” pokes, especially when the payoff is a letter like the one I got from Zoe. There may come a day when the writing well runs dry and I find myself back in a corporate office. But for now, I consider myself to be a part of a sort of frontier of our own for male identity.
It turns out that the elimination of gender barriers goes both ways. So far, I feel pretty fortunate to benefit from less traditional family values.
I’m noticing in the comments people saying things to the effect “women are realizing that men didn’t have it better after all.” This is counterproductive, and respectfully, inaccurate. Feminists weren’t trying to prove that women were overworked and men lived in happy, floaty castles in the sky. The feminists in the 60’s had found that they were living desperate lives, lives in which they did 24/7 menial work which neither challenged nor excited them, and they resented society, their husbands, and even their kids because of it. They needed the freedom to be more. That was it. Let’s stop acting… Read more »
Scott Behson’s blog pointed me to this article, which speaks in much more depth and breadth about the complexities of workplace equality and toll it takes on women:
http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2012/07/why-women-still-cant-have-it-all/309020/1/
I agree with so many of the comments already posted. There are a lot of factors at play. I guess the point I want to highlight is something the author mentioned briefly: the detrimental toll our economic system takes on *all* of us. Productivity and profit and progress are all paramount. So working women are facing the same ill effects as working men – this sounds like an indictment of our working conditions more than any gender equality issue. There just isn’t enough room for people to maintain wholeness in their lives – rest, relaxation, family, hobbies, faith, art, silence!… Read more »
I don’t have children so maybe I’m not qualified to comment, but…. Don’t women largely put these unrealistic expectations on themselves? It’s not “society” telling women they must succeed at work and also be a super mom. It’s individual women believing they are supposed to do that. The pressure is internal, not external. Of course, yes, other people have expectations like, if you have this job you need to meet deadlines because otherwise it will cost the company millions of dollars. Or, your kids need to be fed and get to school on time. But no one is forcing women… Read more »
“Don’t women largely put these unrealistic expectations on themselves? It’s not “society” telling women they must succeed at work and also be a super mom. It’s individual women believing they are supposed to do that. The pressure is internal, not external.” Hell, yes. I would add something even more taboo to say out loud: a woman who becomes a mother has chosen to become a mother. She has made a hundred decisions that result in a baby in her arms. You don’t just “have kids” or “wind up with a family” or “expect your baby’s arrival.” You don’t just have… Read more »
P.S. I remember my parents telling me to go out and play and come back before it gets too dark. (And look how I turned out…. : – ) )
Largely it’s women putting pressure on themselves and other women to be supermum, I’d say more men prefer their women to be a stay at home parent based of society’s views but women are pushing each other to work and be mum and be perfect and judge each other. It’s like the beauty game, I hear women judging each others beauty far far far more than men do. If women stopped listening so much to other women stopping their silly pissing contests on who is the best mother, worker, wife, threw away the women’s magazines they’d probably be much less… Read more »
We had the same “one extracurricular activity” rule at my house, too. At age six, I was also expected to help my parents out with the household chores, including cleaning up after dinner — and then I was expected to do my homework with no one looking over my shoulder. Parenting has drastically changed. My girl friends always seem to be in their cars, driving, driving, driving, taking their kids from one place to the next, planning birthday parties, sleepovers, special camps. It’s only as hard as you make it, folks! Oh, and my mom and dad *both* had very… Read more »
now you women know how we feels right? exhausted? like we men never exhausted?
Based on what the article says, there’s a good argument to be made that women are not actually experiencing gender equality, if we include equality of expectations. If the expectations on women are not equal to the expectations on men, then there is not really gender equality, so we can’t really blame gender equality for how these women feel. That’s blaming equality when it’s actually the fault of inequality. One origin of this inequality in family expectations is that men’s role as fathers still needs more respect. Part of the expectation for mothers to be full-time mothers is that society… Read more »
“You have to supervise your kids every minute of every day, hover over them like helicopters, plan out all activities down to the minute, research every toy on the market, organize play dates with precisely the correct offering of nutritious organic free range snacks, etc. As a result, being a full-time parent requires more energy today than it did even 20 years ago. A lot of mothers feel increasingly exhausted even if they don’t work outside the home, so just imagine adding a full-time job in addition.” You don’t HAVE to do that, and people who tell you they MUST… Read more »
“Unrealistic expectations for working mothers to be superhuman…” Yup yup yup… I used to work 5-6 days a week and when big holiday dinners rolled around, I would stay up all night prepping and cooking in anticipation of big turkey day…Guess what? There is no big award for all that extra effort in being a Martha Stewart super-mom…! (Costco makes great frozen side dishes and soups that can be heated up in the microwave in minutes BTW!)…I still got criticism from many different people, some of them whose own marriages have since dissipated or are on the rocks….Look hard at… Read more »
http://www.news.com.au/lifestyle/relationships/higher-risk-of-divorce-when-men-do-housework/story-fnet09y4-1226482988387
Hmm, sounds to me like “The grass isn’t greener on the other side of the fence” after all. Women in greater numbers are finally getting to see how “MUCH PRIVILEGE” it is to work 60+ hours a week at a job with a boss , deadlines and the ever present threat of losing it on the whim of some company who doesn’t go a rats behind about you. Yup, those men of old sure had it some good didn’t they. Now wait till women start dieing on the job at near 50/50 rates, unlike the 90/10 rate that men “ENJOY”… Read more »
Exactly, but with one enormous difference. Women are only experiencing what it is to have the work conditions, the work content and the salaries that we have today. Interesting jobs where you work in comfortable offices instead of digging in mines, being a soldier or sailing around the world in a sailboat, with a violent crew of roughnecks and a dictatorial captain for 3 year stretches away from your family for a salary that can barely keep them alive. A huge percentage of sailors died and they lived with that fear constantly. And women still know that their salary is… Read more »
I find the “so-and-so has it worse” way of thinking really pointless. First thing most marriage therapists will tell you is that the moment you try to say who has it harder, or who is working hardest, you are setting yourself up for failure. I can say that as we women get more “liberated” we also have a ton more responsibilities. Men also have more responsibilities. My husband rushes home to read to the kids every night. Then he often helps me cook dinner or cooks dinner FOR me (he is so damn picky, he likes to do it “just… Read more »
I wonder if either gender is getting enough time to themselves to reset n rest? I’ve heard a lot about men especially needing a certain amount of time to unwind their mind per day, sitting in front of a tv thinking about nothing. It takes me hours to let my brain turn off basically otherwise I get all jittery as hell n stressed, that’s probably why men came home to smoke the pipe. Although in those days the men probably did long hard hours on their jobsite and used far more energy than their wives at home did, it all… Read more »
YES Joanna, I am Exhausted. I work a full-time office job 7am to 5pm, then go for evening classes from 5pm to 9pm. I get home at around 10pm or 10.30pm, find everyone sitting quietly and very sleepy waiting for me so that we can have dinner together. After that I bathe my boy (it’s the only time in the world that I have to spend with him) and play a bit with him until he goes to sleep. Then I do my homework, sleep and get up at 4.30am. I have a nanny to help in between, but my… Read more »
Oh, I can tell you that I’m exhausted. I sometimes feel like a whiner when I say it, but it’s true. My husband stays at home with the kids, we’re barely making ends meet with my income alone. I’m required to not only put in a 40+ hour week in management, but also to serve on various community boards. Currently I hold positions on our local Chamber of Commerce, the Downtown Development Authority (a division of the city), and on a larger local non-profit agency’s board of directors. I’m taking online classes to complete a new degree, 3 of my… Read more »
I can tell you that, as a working mom with a husband who works 60 hours a week most weeks, I’m EXHAUSTED. I do not stop, ever. I mean EVER. At 2:30 the laptop closes, and I’m off to get them. I need to be a present mom, so I do my best to play with them, read with them, go to the playground or library, I always do homework with them, cook for them, sit with them while they take their baths (they’re still young), read to them for 20 minutes before bed, etc. Then I pick up the… Read more »
I’d say men have it different, varying rates of mental and physical exhaustion, varying rates of risk of death (eg miners underground vs someone at home). Men have more danger on the job, women get more mental illness (although recent studies may change this as we’re finding men are very good at hiding it and may even be more depressed than women!). Seeing as our bodies handle illness n stress differently I don’t think it’s even a good idea to compare who gets it worse, I’ve heard women are better at handling stress and oesterogen protects them more from illness… Read more »
Christian, you said “Overall, as women enter the full-time workplace in growing numbers, they’re experiencing more of the same side effects that men “enjoy” from overwork and related stress, including increased hypertension, heart disease and other risk factors related to eating on the run and missing out on exercise. Yes, there are exceptions to every rule, but research is finding that, as women gain opportunities once enjoyed predominantly by men, they’re also suffering from the effects those opportunities can have too.” I expected this happening for a very long time. Let’s be honest, what early feminists of the 50’ and… Read more »
@Joanna … At what point are you going to say “enough is enough?” When a doctor is standing over you in a hospital bed, telling you that you’re scheduled for open heart in the morning, as it happen to me? You appear to have fallen into the trap that many men have through the years and that is we don’t know when to stop? Truth is that you can make a choice to change your life style of chaos and sleep deprivation. What I’m saying to you is what I say to men as well, life goes fast and before… Read more »
The truth is that we have to push ourselves in order to really build a career. Though I know you’re right. I MUST prioritize exercise every day. It’s so important.
Heart Disease is, after all, the number 1 killer of women!
@Joanna, I understand what you’re saying and what compounds the problem is that many of us truly enjoy the career we have. It makes it far more difficult to pull back when it’s something we enjoy. Although the stress of the corporate career was constant, I really enjoyed it. The hustle and bustle, constantly on the move but it wears your body out. I would highly suggest some sort of relaxation programs that you can zone out into another world. I came across a couple of CD’s that teach relaxation and they are amazing. Get a massage… make time for… Read more »
Well I do believe we’re also seeing female crime on the rise, stress from jobs, military deaths, and also with women accessing more traditional men’s jobs (logging, mining, etc) we will see an increasing number of women dying to catch up to the men. I wonder if they will also inherit male violence risk, men die 4-6x more from violence worldwide.
The old world has been destroyed; we are free of its problems but we have also lost its virtues. There is no going back.
I must admit I find the current required terms like “eliminating gender barriers” to be too bland and flabby.They are required PC language, and they are intentionally devoid of deeper meaning and reference to any objective standard of truth – and thus perfectly suited to a materialistic and dying culture. I can only hope they will one day give way to words that contain truth.
But I doubt that it will happen
A wonderful and thoughtful article Christian. Thanks for making it so complete. It really covers all the ground that haunts the question of who gets to be with the kids each morning as they walk to school. I pick my son up and often take him to school each day. I love it. At this point, as a divorced parent, I accept the long term impact on my professional life in order to be with him in this way when he is young. Wouldn’t give it up for the world.