There’s a myth that sex is forever uncomplicated for men. The wedding night is an excellent example of how this isn’t true.
Let’s get a few things out of the way before diving in:
I believe that people should save for marriage.
If you don’t think sex should be saved for marriage, fine. I’m not judging you, but this article isn’t really for you.
This article isn’t about changing anyone’s beliefs regarding premarital sex. It’s meant for people who decided to save sex for marriage with a special focus on men’s issues.
Though influenced by my biases, most of what I’m sharing comes from scientific research. Your experience might deviate from the broad findings of empirical and clinical research, and you might not relate to some of the examples I use. I also make some generalizations about Evangelical culture based on 30 years of following its media and being active, involved, and occasionally employed by several different churches. I understand that there are exceptions to everything, but don’t hesitate to let us know how special you are in the comments section.
There. Maybe that will save us some time. Onward and downward . . .
High expectations for the wedding night often lead to disappointment for grooms who keep the stallion in the barn until marriage. Ladies have plenty of potential pitfalls and buzz-kills, but there’s a myth that sex is forever uncomplicated for men. The wedding night is an excellent example of how this isn’t true. Here are the first two obstacles to sexual ecstasy that abstinent newlywed men might encounter.
1) You will be exhausted and probably dehydrated.
When my wife and I arrived at our honeymoon suite, we ordered four bottles of San Pellegrino from room service instead of Champaign. We both like good bubbly, but we were dying for water and San Pellegrino seemed a tad more romantic than tap water. We’d spent all day preparing, processing, recessing, and dancing. The real culprit, however, was the talking. We chatted all night long with friends and relatives, some of whom we hadn’t seen in years. Joyful reunions abounded. Since we had limited time with each guest, we talked in fast-forward, squeezing in as much as we could. The more we talked, the more our throats became dry. Then Mark, my best friend from college, broke the news to the DJ that it was no longer 1971 and commandeered his CD collection. A bootylicious playlist ensued. This inspired everyone, bride and groom included, to shake their tail feathers until almost midnight.
Oh yeah, I left out the part where my wife got up at 6 a.m. to start the bridal marathon. I got up at 10 a.m., did some sit ups, booted up my PS2, and stuck a wad of Skoal in my mouth, well aware that pixilated carnage and the consumption of tobacco products would begin a sharp decline the moment I said my vows. My groomsmen started showing up two hours later, and it was off to the matrimonial races. It had been a long, busy day for bride and groom, but the bride had it much rougher. By the time we entered the beautiful room where the sex-festival was to commence, I was tired, she was exhausted, and we were both parched. This doesn’t set you up for a night of earth-rattling sex, especially if you’ve never done it before.
Evangelical culture sets the bar high for the wedding night. We expect a couple to be great at something they have been trying very hard not do for years. That’s just stupid. It’s like throwing your car into reverse while zipping down the highway at 95 mph. Yet we still hear tales of couples blowing the paint off the walls on their wedding night. Many newlyweds come to me for therapy and say, “All our other newlywed friends say their wedding night was amazing, so I don’t understand what’s wrong with us. Does that mean we’re not sexually compatible?” I don’t let an instant pass before saying, “At least half your friends are lying, if not all of them. At minimum, they are exaggerating.” But who can blame people for fibbing about the sexual success of their wedding night? Admitting that it was awkward or even painful is the same as admitting failure in a religious culture that claims sex is magical for those who “wait.” I have to spend at least a session or two convincing many Christian newlyweds that the problem was not with them, but the romanticized myth of the wedding night for two virgins.
It might seem preposterous to wait until the day after your wedding to have sex, especially if you’ve been white-knuckling it for decades, but keep the option open. You’ve waited years; another few hours won’t kill you. If one or both of you collapses on the bed and starts drifting off as soon as you enter the honeymoon suite, call it a night. Then give her a big, hard wake up call in the morning.
2) Premature ejaculation.
Many men who save sex for marriage also try not to masturbate (we’ll save masturbation, aka “The Third Rail of Christian Sexuality” for another time). On the wedding night, many of these men will unleash a torrent of reproductive matter while their wife is still in pregame mode. If you happen to be one of them, don’t worry. It’s totally normal. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders says you cannot diagnose a dude with Premature Ejaculation Disorder if he’s new to sex or has a new sexual partner. Don’t beat yourself up if you committed an offsides foul before your bride snapped the ball. In a week or two, you should develop the restraint needed to get into the end zone. If the problem persists, we’ve figured out a lot of simple ways to fix it. Spend an hour on the Internet studying common solutions. Start with the slightly kinky “squeeze technique.” If that doesn’t work, we have professionals and pills that can make premature ejaculation disappear faster than you can say, “Moan three times fast when you’re ready for me to cum.”
Then there’s the opposite problem that newlywed men rarely discuss. We’ll get into that next time.
This may sound a bit odd, but there are actually multiple kinds of “virginity” out there, at least judging by the way that many young people approach virginity pledges and chastity promises and all those other concepts of self-restraint. There are teenagers very committed to remain virgins before marriage who define ‘losing your virginity’ to mean penis/vagina intercourse. So, to keep themselves undefiled for the wedding night, they only engage in oral sex or anal sex or manual stimulation. As you can imagine, among those without good access to sex education, this often leads ironically to many ‘virgins’ with sexually… Read more »
Your post is really great. I have been looking for this kind of ideas recently. This would surely be a big help for me as a newly wed.
James Crumley was wrong- there is good digging & bad pussy…. And then there is the old Ollie & Lena joke- at their anniversary Lena Toasts “Here’s to 30″ years of bad sex” and Ollie brains her with a bottle “Here’s for knowing the difference”… There is a word for people with whom you share company, interests, hobbies etc- friends.. The name for someone with whom you are sexually compatible- lover. Hollywood and literature have been milking this theme for,years because it is common. What a nightmare to figure out you are sexually incompatable with someone to whom you are… Read more »