Author Nick Flynn (“Another Bullshit Night in Suck City”) on fatherly limitations, weeping when the mood strikes, and learning about manhood from his mother’s many boyfriends.
Who taught you about manhood?
It would be a series of my mother’s boyfriends when I was growing up. There were about ten different boyfriends, and each sort of taught me a little piece of it. So it’s very much a mosaic of ten different guys—and I actually feel fondly about nearly all of them. They all have contributed some piece to the puzzle.
How has romantic love shaped you as a man?
I think that whole idea of romantic love was probably almost too strong an influence early on—getting caught up in the lyrics of pop songs or something and trying to figure out what that meant. I think that can separate one from having actual genuine interactions. And that also brought some sort of a competition with other men over women, which seems very unhealthy in retrospect.
What two words would you use to describe your dad?
Vodka and charm.
How are you most unlike your father?
Well, he’s pure id. And he doesn’t have any sort of container for that. I’m probably the exact same. I’m no different from him. It’s just that I’ve figured out how to keep it in a container a little bit more.
From which of your mistakes did you learn the most?
I think attempting to maintain more than one relationship at a time. The energy it takes is really not worth it. And the energy and the attention it takes away from any one relationship.
What word would the women in your life use to describe you, and do you believe it’s accurate?
I’m always reluctant to put words in anyone else’s mouth, but it’s something I really do often ask, like what people feel about how they’ve been portrayed in my book.
How about your wife? What does your wife say about you?
Oh, she’s very supportive. I get good feedback from her. We’re doing well. So whatever the word would be—I hate to give her a word—but it’d be on the positive end of the spectrum.
My wife’s word is narcissistic, and it’s accurate.
There are darker moments when I feel like I’m not quite living up to my potential, but for the most part I do take in what she says, so I’ll say it’s accurate.
What dad in your life do you really admire for his parenting skills?
For years before I became a father I would try to spend as much time as I could with my friends who were parents and their kids. And I was really impressed. They all sort of managed to do it, and do it gracefully. I felt like there was something about this generation, that they had learned something from the previous generation about showing up and being really present as fathers. And it also made me imagine that I could maybe do it. And it felt like it was really just about showing up and being present for it. I don’t mean to disparage my father in any sense, but those were things that he was not able to do.
I have three kids. My experience is that showing up is 90 percent of the battle.
So far that’s working. That simple formula seems to be working.
Have you been more successful in public or in your private life?
I feel comfortable with both at the moment. I have a book out right now, so suddenly I’m in public life, or back into public life. That’s the thing about a book: You’re in the public life for a little bit, and then you sort of go away for a little while—several years in my case—and then you come out again, hopefully. It went well. The public thing went well this time, so I feel comfortable with both.
When was the last time you cried?
I can weep pretty easily. I can get tears in my eyes from a beautiful work of art. I get pretty emotional around the time of my mother’s death, so I probably cried around then, just a month or so ago. [Flynn’s mother committed suicide when he was 22; he’s now 49.]
What advice would you give teenage boys who are trying to figure out what it means to be a good man?
There’s this sort of male energy that we have that can seem very destructive. But it doesn’t have to be. It actually can be a very positive force. A lot of the ways the male energy’s channeled in the society is in very negative ways: the violence or pornography, there’s all sorts of sexism, and there are all sorts of ways that energy is manipulated. But it’s actually a very beautiful thing, and to honor it for what it is and to try to use it in some positive way is the best we can do.
And last but not least, what’s your most cherished guy ritual?
Well, it’s really about the baby right now. In the last two years I’ve seen basically every sunrise, which has been sort of amazing. At a certain point you’re not sure how many more sunrises you’re going to see. And then I’ve seen every one since she’s been born. We get up together, and we have this sort of meditation thing in the morning for two or three hours—until her mom gets up—where we’re just together, just in this really quiet time that I really cherish.
—Interviewed by Tom Matlack
I only want to add that perhpas Mr. Flynn is a bit modest.
I recently read his book about his realationship with his father “Another Night in Suck City.” It is an amazing journey of self inquiry that I felt ended in a keen understanding of the complicated nature of forgiveness between fathers and sons.
If you do not know this title, I recommend that you google it up.
Thanks for these insights!