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Unhappy husbands tell me their stories and they’re not pretty – the stories, not the husbands.
My job is to help him clear the fog in his head and untangle the knot in his gut so he can think clearly and make some tough decisions.
One of the hardest decisions a guy has to make is whether or not to speak his mind.
Sounds simple but it’s not. He is afraid to say the things he has always wanted to say out loud but fears it might cause trouble. Might make her mad. Maybe cause a divorce.
But now he is facing just that.
There’s trouble. She’s still mad. There is now talk of divorce.
And he is still tongue-tied.
Why does he wait until the last possible minute to say what he has been thinking for years?
What are the consequences of finally blurting out exactly what he has been wanting all along?
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What Do You Want? Here are Their 21 Scary Answers
These are the actual words real men use to tell me what they want to tell her.
These are their deepest held secrets about what they REALLY want in their relationship. And they are terrified that telling her would just tip the scales enough to finally force her out the door.
- I want to feel welcome and appreciated in our home.
- I want to feel like we can trust each other and have each other’s back.
- I want to be able to tell her something without it always turning into something I’ve done wrong.
- I want to feel her delight in waking up next to me. At least a smile would be nice.
- I want to feel listened to.
- I want to feel understood.
- I want to feel valued for what I provide.
- I want to feel desired.
- I want sexual intimacy.
- I want sexual variety and spontaneity.
- I want to feel at ease around my wife.
- I want her to tell me what she needs.
- I want her to allow me to fulfill her needs.
- I want to feel safe when we talk about our needs.
- I want to feel like a team.
- I want her to trust my intentions toward her are good.
- I want her to believe me and believe in me.
- I want her to acknowledge and appreciate my role as a father.
- I want to have deeper conversations and be vulnerable without fear of judgment.
- I want her to honor my need for personal growth and personal time for me.
- I want to love her and feel loved in return.
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Oh, the Shame of it All
When a man tells me that he feels afraid to say those things out loud he is really telling me he is ashamed to say them out loud.
In reality, many men are ashamed to declare what they want. It’s not nice. It’s mean.
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He is ashamed to open up about his deepest desires with the only woman on the planet currently in the position to meet those desires. And he’s scared shitless. Crazy, right?
I get it. I was in the same place once. Inside my head I could make grand statements about what I wanted and what I deserved. I privately declared to the stars that I would someday have what my soul craved before I died. “Yes, it might mean divorce. I don’t care. It’s a human right. I’m not wrong to want what I want!”
…I thought to myself.
In reality, many men are ashamed to declare what they want. It’s not nice. It’s mean.
Real men don’t talk like that. They keep it inside. Women will feel threatened if men talk about their deepest desires. Better to keep walking on eggshells and not rock the boat.
Maybe things will get better. Maybe in another year.
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But What if You Do Speak Your Truth?
I get to see what happens in some of the most difficult relationships when a man decides to let it fly. I encourage him to go big or go home. No apologies and no regrets.
Let it rip. Lay it out there for her and the world to deal with.
The only guarantee in boldly speaking your truth is that you will create a change in the status quo.
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The outcomes vary greatly. I’ve seen it save a relationship. And I’ve seen it accelerate the divorce (my personal case).
But you shouldn’t open your soul to her or the world expecting any outcome. The only guarantee in boldly speaking your truth is that you will create a change in the status quo.
You don’t speak your truth in an attempt to rig the game. You don’t declare your non-negotiable desire to live the life you want to live and expect someone to congratulate you.
You do it because you’ve decided you will never create what you want if you can’t say it out loud without fear.
You can’t give a crap what anybody thinks or says about it.
Whatever happens afterward is exactly what is supposed to happen. And you will be just fine.
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This Post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: Unsplash
I agree, Great article.
The difference currently, Steve? We see list after list here of what women expect of men, but this is one of the very few that addresses our needs. Though I love the open discussion going on here, love that its open to all writers, much of the assumption here is that this is an open forum in which women can come to guide men to a new understanding of female needs, how to be “good men” by aquisching both the expectation and demands of women so that they have find better men based on their needs. I don’t see it… Read more »
Love it, DJ.
The walking “undead”. That’s what it’s like when a guy has his light switch turn on. He can love and serve himself AND those he loves without negotiating the expectations he has for the life he wants to live. Yes, it’s not only possible, it’s a wonderful place to be for both men and women who choose that path.
Thanks for your thoughtful comment, Nowisee. Yes, each one of those things are on the minds of most women every day as well. My hope in illuminating that reality is that a man (or his mate) can take the lead in starting the conversation. Hopefully, with mutual desires and trust, they can unwind their resentment and distrust long enough to realize that they’ve always wanted the same things. Mutuality is a nice concept, but nearly impossible in the late stages of a struggling relationship. In many cases, this conversation simply won’t happen until someone takes a stand for what they… Read more »
These are the same things women want, almost to the letter. One thing, how do we articulate the “how” and “why” of what fulfilling these looks like? The difference in how we receive each of these is where the chasm seems to come from. His perception of “feeling listened to” or “feeling understood” or “being welcomed in my home” is often polar opposite of what she perceives. Then, we get locked into the “or” mentality of lack, like meeting each others needs/desires/wants is mutually exclusive; as opposed to the “and” mentality of mutual satisfaction and fulfillment. This lack mentality is… Read more »