The benefits of taking some time off for one’s self in a relationship.
“Honey, I think we need to take some space.”
I spoke these words to my ex-husband towards the end of 2008—seven years too late. About a month later, the relationship ended.
Two months into my second marriage, I now see how the power of space is one of the key factors in helping a partnership thrive.
Oftentimes when a partner asks for space, an onslaught of negative thoughts deluges (and deludes) our minds:
Taking space is about staying connected through the distance. Being in your dance of solitude while still celebrating companionship.
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S/he doesn’t love me anymore.
S/he is cheating on me.
I’m asking for too much.
I’m too needy.
I’m not attractive.
I’m no fun.
But the truth is taking space is one of the telltale signs of a healthy relationship. It demonstrates trust, interdependency (vs. codependency) and being able to know your own needs, share them with your partner and have them lovingly received.
Taking space is not the same as running away. Running away is cutting the cord of the relationship. It’s a form of emotional disconnection and is the only refuge of those filled with resentment. What’s most needed in those moments is to stay connected, both to your partner and to your own feelings, and to share the backlog of communication you have withheld during your time together (this might take a little while and in the company of a good coach or therapist).
Conversely, taking space is about staying connected through the distance. Being in your dance of solitude while still celebrating companionship. Nurturing yourself so you return to the relationship refreshed and ready to share your bounty.
The following are my top 5 reasons why taking space in a marriage are the keys to saving it.
1. It builds sexual tension.
Ever hear the phrase “absence makes the heart grow fonder?” How about “absence makes the cock grow harder?” No matter how smokin’ hot your spouse is, once you see them through the domestic lens of morning breath and dirty dishes, the sexual sizzle starts to wane. But, just a little bit of space creates dynamic tension—the further apart the polar opposites are pulled, the stronger the magnetic attraction builds. Both time and distance stoke that desire. So when the moment to reunite approaches, both partners are typically aching to jump each other’s bones.
2. It helps deepen relationships outside your primary relationship.
“Ever since you got married, we never see you anymore.” So goes the lament of many a best friend when his or her pal ties the knot. Unfortunately for many of us married folk, once we start building the nest, we often find it difficult to leave. Remembering to foster your important relationships outside the marriage is a great way to build community and friendship for when you need an outsider’s perspective. Plus, when people have a strong web of external support, they become less dependent on the marriage for emotional nourishment and relieve spouses of the impossible duty to be their partner’s “everything.”
3. It reconnects you to your own needs and desires.
Most of the time in marriage, partners think in terms of “us.” “Can I afford to take a music class and contribute to our rent?” “Can I go to the museum today or did my partner have other plans in mind for us?” When you take time alone, you get to tap into your own individual desires and flow from there. You start to learn things about yourself that you may not have noticed if you’d had your attention on your partner. Perhaps you become inspired by a piece of artwork and decide to take up painting. Maybe you discover that Ethiopian food is your favorite (since you’ve never tried it because your partner hates it). Having the personal space to reflect on your needs and desires helps you return to the relationship whole, integrated and clear on what you need to ask next from the relationship.
4. Freedom!
Autonomy! It’s “do whatever the hell you want day” because no one is around to stop you! OK, not that anyone can stop you from doing anything really, but in relationship, negotiations are constantly being made. When you have your own space, you can turn up the music, dance in your underwear and eat greasy Chinese food. Or take a tour of a random neighborhood and enjoy the journey without having to check on someone else’s bladder or hunger levels. Knowing that there is space in your relationship for personal freedom builds trust and gratitude towards your partner.
5. It reminds you of why you love your partner.
Space feels pretty cool when you get to do what you want. But then there comes that moment when you want that perfect cup of tea only your partner knows how to make. Or when you ache for the depth of touch only your partner provides. Or when that silly, “inside joke” song comes on the radio and you end up singing it solo. When we feel the absence of the exquisite attention that our partner provides, we appreciate our dearly beloveds and remember why we continuously choose “yes” to the relationship.
Image Credit: martinak15/Flickr
A few years ago my wife and I, like many others who have endured 30 odd years of marriage, raised kids, muddled through financial struggles and managed busy careers, reflected that our own relationship had taken a back seat and suffered somewhat. Divorce wasn’t on the cards (or so we believed) but felt that some space could spice up our lives by taking time out and begin dating again. The kids had flown the nest, we had built a new house by the bay that was a little away from friends and family, hence the risks of uninvited drop ins… Read more »
My wife told me two months ago that we need space, which totally blind sided me that for sure. We have been together for 26yrs and were at a stage in life were it was our time, as we have to daughters how are independent. I agree with the space idea and was in a good place about it all. The issue now is that she has already started a new friendship, as she calls it, which after just under two months apart has knocked me for a six. What do i say or do about that situation, it’s pretty… Read more »
26 yrs with kids is a long time to put you as a person on hold. Space is not to find romantic friendships, it’s for being silly with the girls, getting mani pedi, being your own version of yourself with out being questioned about being you. Everyone needs their “me time” as I like to call it. She’s missing something with herself. It’s not always about the spouse. Maybe it’s not you, maybe the type of man she wants has changed. Let it play out, if your foundation is strong then this to shall pass. Just remember, you have to… Read more »
This article was a good read. I’m currently going through this with my wife of almost 9 years. I’m struggling with it badly. I’ve been a “me first” husband for a long time, about 5 years at least, and now she is ready to move on. We have 3 great kids and want what is best for them, I’m not ready to give up on our marriage and she is trying to hold on, but I can’t seem to let her have the space she needs to get her head clear. This article helped point me in the right direction… Read more »
Ron
One time I went to live with a girlfriend for 6 months. It saved my marriage.
It’s unconventional, but if more couples did this, there would be way less divorce I believe. Good luck to you.
I hope it works out.
I’m a woman and I know my husband would never write anything on here so I’m going to. All I want to know is, how do you “find” that space? We are currently in that situation, my husband and I. We need space from each other but since we both work at home it’s pretty much impossible and the only time we’re apart is when either of us takes the dog for a 2 hour walk/play session. I really can’t think of a solution and it’s driving me insane because as much as I love my husband and have fun… Read more »
Hi M. Male perspective here. I believe the “logistics” of how you find the creative and personal space you need is less important than how your needs are communicated to him. If he really understands your desire is NOT to get away from him, but to get closer to yourself (for the both of you), he won’t feel threatened. In fact, if he feels loved and appreciated, he can feel motivated to help you get that time for yourself. He can learn that giving you time alone is BETTER for him and your connection (emotional and physical). You need to… Read more »
Gosh, thinking back of when my folks were alive, don’t remember my dad or mom having or needing their own space. Sorry, I struggle with this kind of thinking. Sounds cool but what I don’t understand is that a couple of generations ago, people stayed together for a long long time and didn’t need this new age stuff to have successful relationships. But then again, back then people weren’t as narcissistic as they are today … a product of modern society. I’ve been married 38 years, I have my man cave and my wife has the rest of the house.… Read more »
I see what you’re saying here, Tom. But I also see another side. There are couples who have spent 30-40 together in a simmering state of resentment, judgment, and cynicism because they don’t know how to grow up. They are unhappy and only stay together because of fear of the unknown and fear of affecting the kids. I know this doesn’t apply to you. They don’t know how to be different inside themselves or toward each other. I believe in these marriages the only way to change the dynamic is “a little space”. Space and time. The part of Candice’s… Read more »
Awesome! So many women are seeking personal freedom from spouses, but why is this such a big thing now?
I love this, Candice. I think the corollary here is that lack of space will ultimately suffocate pretty much every relationship. Thanks for writing this.