Steve Horsmon explains how to be a prize-winning communicator in a relationship.
I recently read about a study on the LiveScience website titled, Women Prize Men Who Try to Understand Their Emotions. My first reaction was,“Well, no kidding!”. But as I read a little further and understood the nature of the study, one conclusion stood out for me. It is a counter-intuitive reality that men need to understand. Women value a man who expresses either positive or negative emotion in response to conflict.
The Harvard Medical School study researcher, Shiri Cohen, reported that,“The fact their partner is experiencing any emotion, even a negative one, is still good news to women. This is consistent with what is known about the dissatisfaction women often experience when their male partner becomes emotionally withdrawn and disengaged in response to conflict.”
As a life coach, I very often have discussions with men about improving intimacy. Men want both emotionally and physically intimate connections to feel positively about their spouse and their relationship. The two biggest reasons men are unable to establish these connections are:
- Failure to establish themselves as an attractive and authentic man of value and principles
- Failure to develop the confidence and personal leadership skills necessary to guide their relationship toward intimacy
A critical part of establishing yourself as an attractive, authentic man is how you handle conflict with your partner. A woman simply can not feel attracted to a man who handles conflict poorly or immaturely.
Translated simply: When a man properly responds to conflict with his lady, he can become significantly more attractive to her. Many men believe that withdrawing or disengaging will simply leave her in “neutral” with regard to his attractiveness. Not true. This is a tremendous insult and is extremely unattractive. A repeated pattern of this behavior can spell disaster for the relationship.
Always remember that you have a choice to respond to conflict instead of reacting to it. A man who chooses to immaturely react to conflict will do the following things:
- Avoid all discussion or walk away from the conflict and isolate himself
- Act indifferent towards her emotions as if he is above whole matter
- Dismiss her feelings as totally “irrational” or “illogical”
- Refuse to voice his opinions or show any emotions for fear of her reaction
- Lash out with an unbridled anger and an accusatory tone
So what are we supposed to do? How do we act? How do we build or maintain attractiveness in the face of conflict?
The answer is to realize that properly responding within your masculine frame is a gift we give to ourselves first. We can validate our own value when we directly face conflict with confidence. We affirm our values when we choose to treat others fairly and respectfully. And we confirm our own principles when we stand up for ourselves and express our opinions without apology.
A natural result of a man who chooses to behave differently is increased attractiveness. This is what makes you the prize for your lady.
The man you were meant to be chooses to proactively address conflict because it is who he is. When the pressure is on this man will:
- Calmly face conflict head-on. He responds like an adult and doesn’t react like a teenager. He looks at her eyes. He listens actively to her words. He is comfortably and confidently 100% present with her in the moment.
- Tell her that he wants to understand her feelings. He treats the conflict as important and valid. He says this out loud — and he means it. He does not minimize her feelings or point of view.
- Not pull the “logic card” and call her irrational. He knows that conflict and stress produces emotions. He does not need to react to them or defend himself while he listens. Her emotions can not be and should not be reasoned away.
- Be clear on where he stands. He doesn’t have to pretend to agree with her if he doesn’t. Without defensiveness or judgment, he states his case clearly and without apology. He is authentic and speaks from a place of love and respect. He wants her to feel this energy and to know that it is true.
- Discusses options to address the issue and accepts responsibility for his part in the solution. He doesn’t accept undeserved blame or personal attacks. He is able to show anger and emotion without throwing a tantrum or making personal attacks. He does not initiate disrespectful behavior or language and does not accept it from anyone.
When you choose to develop these skills and this frame of mind in your relationships it is not to manipulate or control anyone. You will discover that it is the only way to lead your life with clarity and confidence. These skills apply beautifully in your parenting and your career relationships as well. It is simply the man you are meant to be.
Originally appeared at Good Guys 2 Great Men
Photo by donjd2
Sorry if this is a bit long. I just had to share. A couple years back my girlfriend and I were fighting a lot. I asked my counselor how to deal with it and make stuff work better. He described at technique he called “mirroring” – I wrote it down verbatim and put it in my wallet. It’s still there, I still use it whenever needed, and my relationship is smooth sailing despite a ridiculous number of speedbumps. Bear in mind that before I started dating her, I was a relationship trainwreck. Most of my many past relationships lasted a… Read more »
Thanks Andrew, sounds reasonable enough- And thanks for sharing the whole thing, instead of making everybody ask ‘So what did the paper in the wallet say!?’ Cheers.
Thanks Andrew,
And I guess that the Mirror thing sort of requires your partner to pause every now and then, so you can fill in with your understanding of the situation?
Then again, I don’t know, but repeating what someone in an upset state just said and asking “Is there more?” would in my experience probably be considered condescending/ridiculing, and would probably really blow the lid off?
Well, basically it’s such a counterintuitive arguing strategy that as soon as I repeat back what my girlfriend said in my own words, she knows what’s going on and takes pauses between complete thoughts so I can say them back to her. When I first got the steps, I explained them to her and asked her patience with a seemingly inane discussion strategy. She agreed to play along and see how it went, and now it’s kind of become second nature for us. As for sounding condescending and making her blow the lid off, the trick is to not mean… Read more »
With regard to the mirroring technique, the repeating back in your own words is VERY important. We often hear something different than what a speaker intends, especially in an argument. My wife and I both use this technique and it makes things much easier. So often one of us says something that the other misunderstands and when it’s repeated back it clarifies things. You may find out you’re arguing about two completely different things which just frustrates everyone rather than move to a solution. After repeating back, I think it helps to deliberately ask if you understand her correctly and… Read more »
I really like this advice and seeing you guys have such healthy relationships and connected, caring wives.
I hear a lot of guys say, “yeah, well I tried that and she just said, ‘I hate it when you try all that stupid relationship, psycho-babble crap. It sounds like you’re reading out of a book!’ ”
This is an unhealthy relationship.
What do you guys think HIS response should be to something like that??
Steve
I might be inclined to argue that ambivalence is an emotion too; and a highly underrated one at that. I think ambivalence is often overlooked, or misinterpreted: There is a difference between being aloof (concealing or misdirecting one’s true emotions) and being genuinely ambivalent. Real ambivalence (and/or ambiguity) doesn’t automatically resonate as a genuine or valid emotional state with a lot of people, because by the very nature of its inverse proportions it seems to minimize, marginalize, trivialize, or mock their own level of ‘appropriate’ emotional commitment on a given issue or subject: If a person has a right to… Read more »
I think this is a brilliant post and important. Your discussion of ambivalence pinpoints a common mode that the men I talk to feel deeply during conflict. If, for the sake of example, I simplify the emotion to a “love/hate” feeling in a man, dealing with the conflict at hand becomes monumental. Your feelings of wanting a resolution and a return of loving feelings CONFLICT with your desire to disappear and punch a hole in the wall. During this time all SHE sees is a “deer in the headlights” look, which can feel disengaged, insulting, and yes, unattractive. This where… Read more »
I guess I feel a bit left out of this discussion. It seems only to be about heterosexual relationships.