Christine Walker shares how her husband’s grace and acceptance brought them trust, and allowed her to let go of her fear and anger.
The night I got engaged, my family sat down to discuss how much they were morally obligated to tell my fiancé about me. I was notoriously difficult to get along with, and no one had ever known me to back away from a fight. Ultimately, my family decided the most ethical thing to do would be for my mom to give my fiancé a gentle warning. She pulled him aside, and said, “I want you to know that if I had to describe Christi in one word, it would be: intense. I’m sure in the throes of romantic love, my husband heard her and thought Yes, and that’s one of the reasons why I love her, while he smiled and gazed at me across the room. He had no idea what he was in for.
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Our first year of marriage was more or less idyllic. We lived in a gorgeous part of the country where the sun always shines. We both finished work around four o’clock and had virtually no external obligations except to spend time together. We laughed, we played, we travelled; life was good. I’m sure there were things we disagreed about. There had to have been some, but I don’t have those memories.
Honeymoons never last forever though, and ours didn’t either. Gradually, fights crept in. I quit a job I loved to stay home with our children, and we moved across the country to pursue my husband’s career. Doing this was my choice, but I wasn’t prepared for how lonely and unhappy I would be. I blamed my husband for the way I was feeling and our fighting increased and intensified. I think we both wondered if our marriage was going to last.
Then one night, everything changed. We went out with friends and my husband made a witty comment he intended as an affectionate jab; but I was humiliated and insulted. As soon as we got home, I accused him of being insensitive and unaware. He was surprised and defensive. I loudly explained that I was hurt, but he didn’t seem to appreciate my pain. He continued to insist I was wrong. I used words and metaphors to clarify my explanation. He still didn’t get it. My desperation increased and so did my volume. If I couldn’t get him to understand, I would be sentenced to a life of public humiliation, so I tried even harder, shrieking loud enough to rattle the door frames. It didn’t translate, and he maintained his innocence. My frustration overflowed, and I ran downstairs. Luckily my keys were not on the key hook or I would have left and driven away, and I can’t say for sure if I would have come back. Instead, I grabbed a shoe and shattered a mirrored wall in our basement.
My husband heard the noise, ran downstairs, and grabbed me from behind in a bear hug. He lifted me off the floor and pulled me away from the broken glass, the he set me down. He turned me around, took a deep breath and said, “Please believe me. I didn’t want to hurt you. I’m not lying when I say I was just being playful and flirtatious. I still have no idea why you interpreted that comment to be hurtful; but if you did, then you did. I can accept that, even if I don’t understand it. If you really want me to stop teasing you, then that’s what I’ll do.”
Immediately, the pressure in my head subsided and I bit my bottom lip to hold back the tears. What I deserved was a lecture on how much it was going to cost to fix the wall. At the very least, I expected a cold, silent distance. Instead my husband addressed my fear.
I committed myself to him the day we got married, but I devoted myself to him the night he proved he could love me at my worst.
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I wasn’t sure how to respond. I had never met anyone who could be targeted by one of my meltdowns and still show me they loved me, ever. I wouldn’t have blamed him if he’d walked out, but he didn’t. I committed myself to him the day we got married, but I devoted myself to him the night he proved he could love me at my worst.
Since that night, he’s proven over and over and over that even my deepest, most intensely guarded feelings are safe with him, and I like to think I’ve done the same for him. There are still plenty of things about me he doesn’t and will never understand; but that’s OK. I could say the same about him.
He’s not a stay-at-home mom and he’s never going to understand the challenges of that, but he knows what it’s like to have a hard day. If I tell him I had a hard day, he will pitch in and lighten my load.
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He’s not a stay-at-home mom and he’s never going to understand the challenges of that, but he knows what it’s like to have a hard day. If I tell him I had a hard day, he will pitch in and lighten my load. He’s a private person so he doesn’t know what it’s like to write something personal, like this, online and get criticized by strangers, but he knows what it’s like to feel personally attacked. If I fall into his arms and say people are being mean to me, he’s going to stroke my hair and suggest we watch a movie so he can hold me until I’m ready to try again. And yes, I do the same things for him.
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I wrote an article several weeks ago about how women unknowingly communicate contradictory expectations for men. A man I know responded by saying, “You just realized that women are nuts. Guys tell each other that all the time. We spend a lot of thought cycles trying to figure out how not to cause the next random meltdown. I know that sounds massively sexist, but it’s basically what it feels like being married; you learn to tune it out though. Either that or you go insane.”
To any men who can relate, I recommend reading this article by Jay Blevins, Weathering Her Emotional Storm. He spells out what you need to know to respond to a woman’s emotional storm, and I concur. I would also tell you this: I spent almost two decades consciously trying to control my emotions. I read every book I could find, and visited multiple therapists trying to fix myself, but nothing helped cure my tantrums as quickly and as completely as finding someone willing to see through them.
If you are experiencing torrential wind and rain within the walls of your home, there’s a good chance that what you’re really encountering is a tender soul desperately trying to protect herself.
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The most important thing to remember when you’re facing a storm like the one I described is that those meltdowns are how some women defend their most sensitive feelings. As my sons would say, “The best defense is a good offense,” right? If you are experiencing torrential wind and rain within the walls of your home, there’s a good chance that what you’re really encountering is a tender soul desperately trying to protect herself. Identify what she’s trying to protect and accept it. Look her in the eye and offer to support her if you can. In time, the storms should start to subside.
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My husband and I still disagree all the time. There’s no way to escape differences of opinion when you’re raising four children together, but we haven’t had a screaming fight in over ten years. I’ve lost the need to defend myself around him. I know he will honor everything I feel, no matter how silly or insignificant it might seem to him. That knowledge makes my temper an unnecessary part of our marriage.
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If you liked this article by Christine Walker, you might also like:
Dear Son, Some Advice on Becoming a Man
How to Raise Boys With Courage and Compassion
Tender and Tough: The Impossible Task We Give Our Men
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This post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: Shutterstock
Communicated contradictory expectations isn’t the root cause, it’s merely a symptom. Poor communication skills is the actual root cause. I should know, I survived it with my ex and the legions of people who can resonate with, “You should know what I want and need without me having to say it.” Umm no, not a mind reader. And if I was, I would have invested in Google and Apple a looooong time ago… at least I could have fixed my symptom of I’m constantly afraid of losing my job. However as a guy myself, I’m going to call bullsh!t (on… Read more »
“I spent almost two decades consciously trying to control my emotions. I read every book I could find, and visited multiple therapists trying to fix myself, but nothing helped cure my tantrums as quickly and as completely as finding someone willing to see through them.”
Do you really, really, think that it is just, or even mostly, the willingness that is missing in most men??
Good question, FlyingKal, willing or able, one of the two. Most people who get put on the defensive like this get hijacked by their amygdala and can’t do anything but fight back or check out. Those who are able to control themselves and stay engaged have to decide if they’re willing to or not. Not everyone is.
Hi Christine, If most people in this situation, as you say, get kidnapped by their amygdala, simply because they don’t know better (i.e. they have no idea what’s really going on, and/or don’t have the tools to deal with it anyway), I think it’s rather unfair to formulate it as an unwillingness. In the words of Steve Horsmon, letting the tantrums of your inner 9-year-old run your relationship without apology is also a choise, a choise that you (or your amygdala…) make. And with all respect, the power dynamics between parent and children are so vastly different than between spouses,… Read more »
FlyingKal, that’s not what Christine said. You’ll need to read her second and third sentences as two separate thoughts making a combining statement.
Also, whether relation between spouses or parents and children the relationship needs be treated with unconditional love and respect. This means judgment and punishment subside.
To all the women here giving this article a glowing thumbs up: Would your reaction be the same if the genders were reversed? I suspect, as most men would, that it will be more along the lines of “don’t put up with that! He’s abusive! Get rid of him before he hits you!”
Fair question, FrankS. I can only speak for myself, but my answer would be yes. To be clear, abuse is never okay, and if someone really feels endangered (male or female), then yes, they should absolutely leave. In this case, my husband knew I wouldn’t hurt him – even if I was willing to hurt the wall. If a woman knows her husband won’t hurt her, but he still loses his temper sometimes, then yes, making the effort to see through his tantrums to the fear or hurt behind them is the right thing to do. I use this technique… Read more »
Thanks for your honesty on that matter. You would do so, I think, largely because you are the person putting somebody else through that. I wonder how many other women here would, particularly those who have given you far more sympathy than they give your husband.
What I am getting at here is that in society, men are simply expected to put up with women’s shitty behaviour while simultaneously telling women to leave any man for the slightest emotional outburst.
Yes yes yes. Beautifully said.
Wonderful article, Christine. I love your story and the picture you painted of your hubby and your relationship. He is a strong man. He didn’t take it personally, even though I’m sure he could have. I’ve always had an issue with the saying, “If you can’t take me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best.” My reply is typically, “If I can’t take you at your worst, then maybe you shouldn’t be so freakin’ horrible.” But that applies more in relationships where women and men seem consistently entitled to their storms and their unbridled expression of emotions… Read more »
Thank you Steve, I appreciate your comment. That’s exactly what I was trying to communicate. Mutual honor can work miracles in difficult circumstances.
What a partner needs, when expressed in a way that we’re not familiar with, can be difficult to decipher. Your husband showed maturity by, whether he understood the intricacies of the situation or not, just offering love and support. Smart guy.
There’s nothing like being truly known by someone we’ve pledged ourselves to. Walls come down, and we feel accepted and loved for who we are. What a wonderful thing to model for your sons! Great post.
I am from a family of 6 passionate sister (we prefer that to intense,) and 3 good brothers. There’s a lot of good men in our family. Men who help us shine.
Okay. Do you know of anyone who can write a piece on how women should deal with guys’ occasional blow-ups? That would be, afaict, a first.