Emma Johnson encourages couples to reject the goals imposed on them and to form their own.
Who doesn’t love media stories of the wrinkled up couple celebrating their 83rd wedding anniversary?
I don’t!
No, of course I really do. Because like you, I tell myself that they were so happy all those years! They were each other’s champion and confidant and soul mate! And despite the arthritis and replaced joints and decades of familiarity, they still probably got it once in a while. What a fairytale.
But no one knows that. Nor do we know that he didn’t beat the crap out of her every single day, or that their children weren’t secretly sired by the farm hand she carried on with for most of those years. Or, maybe they simply hated each other’s bloody guts those 83 years and barely muttered a word to each other for decades. Where’s the success in that?
Maybe if we redefined what constitutes a successful marriage we would work harder at it.
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Let’s take a closer look at our expectations of marriage. Is sticking it out really the goal? Maybe yes, but I would suggest in most cases: No freaking way. What if we consciously chose more meaningful definitions of success? What if we identified milestones that inspire us work harder at our marriages — not just clock the days and years until the next anniversary?
I know plenty of long-married couples who have been through some tough stuff — affairs, life-threatening illness, addiction and general hating the very ground the other person walks on for no good reason other than you’ve been living with that body for so many years. Some of those marriages somehow survive and both parties swear they’re stronger and happier for it.
In some cases, I believe them.
But contempt is tough to overcome. Resentment from feeling wronged, and the contempt bred by familiarity can be impossible to shake off. Forgiveness — of yourself, others — is tricky business.
You try. You really try to make it better. You buy so many relationship books and spend so much on couples counseling. Retreats and toys and date nights. Listen more. Try to reconnect. But you hate him. You just do.
I say: That’s cool. It’s OK to hate your spouse.
The beautiful thing about life in this country today: You have a choice. You can stay and hate them and then hate yourself for wasting your life hating. Or you can accept that you needed that relationship for its term, and now it is over.
And then you can go on and define a successful marriage by your own terms. Maybe you had fantastic kids, or built a business, or had a really fulfilling social life. Or what if you had a successful marriage just because it was fun? Or you grew personally or it got you out of your miserable po-dunk hometown or made you believe in your dreams. Or any combination of these elements – including living until one or the other kicks off.
Or maybe, if we redefined what constitutes a successful marriage we would work harder at it. Maybe we wouldn’t be so complacent, and just wait until the next anniversary to celebrate a prescribed success. Maybe killing off the longevity factor would make marriages happier while they lasted — so much so that they actually lasted longer?
How could any of that be a failure?
This article originally appeared on WealthySingleMommy.com
Photo by Jenn Durfey
I wanted to read this piece because I recently celebrated my 20th anniversary,but now I’m sorry that i did. Why did you write this? From what observation are you basing this on? “It’s OK to hate your spouse” I read that as “therapy speak”, is that where you got it? It is never OK to hate your spouse because they don’t meet you halfway, or support you or failed to meet your expectations. Marriage is for the mature, strong and rational. Marriage is for people who have discussed their expectations in this partnership and have the capacity to compromise. Marriage… Read more »
Iris, you said, “. I think it’s really tough to have been hurt, have been treated unfair, continue being in a relationship where you get no pleasure any more.” I didn’t see anything about being treated unfair. Like many, you appear to believe that life is supposed to be wonderful all the time and marriage is supposed to be wine and roses all the time. It’s not, there are tough times in life that we have to deal with. You also said “I’ve seen posters go around the net where an old couple boasts about their longevity and that the… Read more »
What a thoroughly mean-spirited article.
Hey guys, may want to check out one of the programs Emma promotes “Wealthcare for women” … wish I thought of that for men….
You said “Who doesn’t love media stories of the wrinkled up couple celebrating their 83rd wedding anniversary? No, of course I really do. Because like you, I tell myself that they were so happy all those years! They were each other’s champion and confidant and soul mate! And despite the arthritis and replaced joints and decades of familiarity, they still probably got it once in a while. What a fairytale.” What a crock of poop! Sorry, don’t mean to be rude but this isn’t at all what I thought. If you know anyone who has been married for a long… Read more »
I think you are overreacting and that you’ve taken certain things the author said the wrong way. Of course, she should be the one to answer to be sure of what she ahd in mind, but I can totally understand what she says. She believes some of those couples that have overcome difficult situations and looked over contempt. I think it’s really tough to have been hurt, have been treated unfair, continue being in a relationship where you get no pleasure any more. There are relationships which have given so much before that the short time of troubles is nothing… Read more »