While looking for a partner, we’re better off with a list of Deal Breakers than a checklist of expectations.
People in search of a partner are encouraged to create and have a checklist. We’re to include race, religion, political views, age, financial status, children, how many times married, if your family/friends would like them, education, their personal habits—the list can actually be endless.
These lists can easily become unrealistic. Most of us are rather ordinary people. These checklists can actually interfere with our attention on someone. We go on a date and, instead of focusing on the person in front of us, we’re sizing them up for THE CHECKLIST, not giving them a chance to show who they really are.
Perhaps a better thing to pay attention to is the Deal Breaker: something you are not willing or able to accept from a romantic partner. These are specific issues that are simply non-negotiable.
To give you an idea of how deal breakers are different from a checklist, I will share mine:
1. My relationship with God is very important to me and I need a man for whom this is also true.
2. I cannot be involved with a person connected with drug use, or someone addicted to gambling. If you have an addiction, our relationship will never come first.
3. If you have ever cheated on or abused anyone in any way (physical, emotional, verbal, sexual), it doesn’t matter what the circumstances were. To me these things can never be justified.
4. I need to be physically and emotionally attracted to a man. Having poor hygiene or appearance stops the physical attraction immediately. On the other side of the coin, a man that is emotionally attractive can become physically attractive.
As you establish your list of Deal Breakers, keep in mind that your goal is not to find the perfect human being. All humans are naturally flawed; expecting a person to be perfect is not only unrealistic but will likely lead to disappointment and loneliness. You are trying to find a person who will help bring out the best in both of you. You are not looking simply to satisfy desires. A relationship, to be healthy, must be about two people.
This post originally appeared on Divorced and Scared No More.
Photo by Steve Slater.
Schala, It is nice to meet another woman that has very specific and clear deal breakers.
1. You respect and treat me as female, no compromise. 2. No religion pushed on me. I’m a critical thinker. Faith is something personal, not something organized. You can be spiritual without needing circumcision, baptism, or astrology. If you want rituals, make your own (that don’t infringe rights, like circumcision does) that has personal signification. 3. I’m egalitarian. You can believe “men are drawn naturally to pants (because skirts are inherently feminine)” if you want, sure (I won’t object, even if I find the claim dubious). But equality is for both men and women, not just feminism. I object to… Read more »
Here’s my list of deal breakers: 1. I’m a freethinker, so someone who believes in god or a “cosmic spirit” or other myths or superstitions (astrology included) isn’t going to be a good match for me as I’d have a hard time respecting their beliefs (or even hiding my lack of respect). 2. I’m a “live and let live” kind of guy. As long as it doesn’t harm someone else, I try to be non-judgemental. A personal issue I’m trying to get over is being irritated by people who are irritated all the time about other people (hypocritical, I know)… Read more »
Cornelius, I agree we would probably not be a good match for dating. Your thoughts regarding deal breakers shows me you are a very intelligent man and we most likely could be very good friends!
Now this is odd. I’m a sociologist, and am fairly up on science, and have an advanced knowledge of statistics. But I’m also an astrologer, and have practiced professionally. I’ve never had a checklist of dealbreakers of any sort (in fact, I enjoyed being in relationships with a variety of women. I guess I’ve tended to avoid motherly types – my Venus is in Aries in the Frist House.) But both of the women I’ve married turned out to be into astrology too, and I learned this on the first date. Each of those relationships lasted for twenty years.
Many people I know have checklists because many professionals encourage it. Very often many of them are lonely because their lists are endless. Add that with the high rate of divorce people are afraid of having another failed relationship. I believe quite often relationships fail because people make exceptions regarding things that they just cannot live with. The relationship can be ok for some time, but eventually those deal breakers start becoming a problem. Unfortunately, many partners sometimes think they can change the others deal breaker, but that rarely happens.
I have one male friend that also has a long checklist, he also does not date much. He believes God will bring someone to him. Maybe she will be a door to door salesperson? Nope can’t be he has no salesprson on his checklist……
Personally I think either list can get out of hand. That is why I only list 4 and they are a line in the sand for you. If anyone has more than 5 or 6 I think they starting to turn the deal breaker list into a checklist but wording it differently.
I know a woman with an extensive list of “deal breakers” she obsesses about. Naturally, she never gets any dates. I think that’s the unconscious plan.
If you have lived and loved, then you don’t want to get stuck in the same old failing patterns…. #2 is very important…I don’t recommend being in a relationship with an addict/alcoholic….biggest waste of my youth ever… #3 is extremely important…anyone who treats you in such a manner does not see you as an equal or as a full 3-D human being….stop wasting time and get out of it…. #4 is the most important…if there is no genuine sexual chemistry, then your partner will find out that you are faking it….just be honest to yourself if there is something repulsive… Read more »
Yes, a frog will stay a frog no matter what you do to try to change it. My dealbreakers are there because I know first hand how people with these thnigs can do nothing but waste my life with the wrong person.
Checklists are often a bad idea. If you needto have one, keep it short – 2 or 3 items, tops; things you absolutely can’t be happy without. The more unrealistic one item is (must be at least 6′ tall/have DD breasts), the less freedom you should allow yourself on others, if you allow yourself to have others at all. Don’t go hunting for unicorns. Don’t go chasing waterfalls.
Deal breakers are a necessity. Checklists are a luxury.
You are so right soullite that deabreakers are a necessity and checklist a luxury. I know many people that are alone because they have checklists that are so long. The sad thing is they keep adding to them everyday.
I agree that you should only get it on with partners to whom you’re physically and emotionally attracted, but I’m over 50 already. I run every morning, I’m active with sports, I don’t eat fast food, I’m extremely healthy, and yet I have had men in walkers asking me out.
At my age, being physically attractive means being in good health and not having a gut over the belt. It’s unfortunate, but healthy men go after much younger women, and so I remain single.
I am also over 50 and live a healthy lifestyle. My last relationship lasted for 2 years and the gentleman was 15 years younger than I am. The end of our relationship had nothing to so with the age difference. I have noticed since the end of that relationship many of my friends, daring services and online most people try to get me to date much older men. For some reason society thinks that is acceptable but do not approve as much when the woman is older. Many of these men will not believe my age and ask if I… Read more »