Guys, what’s the worst thing that can happen if we air our dirty laundry?
My brief stint as Marriage editor here at The Good Men Project has revealed some interesting, perhaps troubling things. I’ve been asking many of my writer colleagues—some established, others aspiring—to contribute essays. We’ve discussed, sometimes at length, the institution and the writing process. Some of what I’ve heard has actually shocked me.
My casual survey reveals that men seem reluctant to write about marriage. The ones who’ve told me that they either can’t or won’t fall into two general categories:
The first category assumes—the rate is much higher than I ever imagined—that any valuable essay about marriage must reveal some embarrassing or difficult secret. One close colleague, a divorced man in his 50s, said, “I don’t want to air dirty laundry.” This same man once told a story at work, in front of a Dean and the chair of a department, that his college friends (members of a well-known 90s rock band) used to shoot heroin into their eyeballs. Another writer, his narratives always energized and intense, wrote to me in a Facebook message: “My first marriage was a horror show of crazy houses, suicide attempts, blood and shit on the wall, but I won’t write about it.” A third writer—rather young, married to a desirable woman—agreed to write but only under anonymity. He apparently finished the essay but said he could not submit it. His style would give him away, and he didn’t believe I’d be able to edit it to protect his identity. “I should probably delete all of this from my computer. I’m sorry to jerk you around.”
The second category feels the topic itself is emasculating. Despite all the great texts that consider marriage central to the human experience, even those that criticize it harshly—A Doll’s House, Anna Karenina or Crime and Punishment, to name just a few—writing about marriage remains, at least to this category, the business of a eunuch. When I pointed this nonsense out to some (rather young) writers, they agreed that I had a point. But I had to articulate it in order for them to see it. “You don’t hear marriage and think Dostoevsky,” one said. “You hear marriage and think Brides magazine.”
The dirty secret is not that their wives wear leather to bed. On the contrary: it’s that their marriages are sexless.
|
Interestingly, the writers in Category Two often transformed into Category One when I suggested they could criticize marriage itself while ignoring their own marriages. In Crime and Punishment, for example, Dostoevsky compares prostitution and marriage to find only vague differences. No one believed he was calling his wife a whore in the process. “Yeah, sure. But I can’t do anything like that,” someone said. “You know with people. They get the wrong idea no matter what.”
Well, what wrong idea can that be? A few years ago, Lisa Hickey wrote about men who felt their marriages had stripped them of something essential to their masculinity, even their identity. It had to do with a perceived loss of equal participation or decision-making in the marriage, and also with rather common sexual rejection. Even though I don’t have any concrete evidence, I can’t help but associate the writers in Category One with those Lisa investigated in her article. The dirty secret they cannot reveal? It’s not that their wives wear leather to bed. On the contrary: it’s that their marriages are sexless.
Ok, I’m taking this crazy, wild guess right now. But let’s pretend, just for the sake of an amazing image, a daydream I had while planning this post, that I’m 100% right. The “dirty laundry” is not a semen and motor-oil stained sheet but extra sets of bedding necessary to make the couch agreeably comfortable. Category One sleeps alone and hopes no one finds out.
Well, why exactly do they hope to keep this secret? Is it simply the shame of destroying the illusion of the happy marriage? The admission of failure? Or is it a writer’s fear of cliché? My wife won’t sleep with me because I leave socks on the floor. Or maybe it has to do with the writer’s inability to understand the situation: perhaps the reason she’s disinterested in sex is truly mysterious. She used to be a sex kitten but now she’s training to jog up skyscrapers every month, and she looks down at her husband from atop this surrogate phallus. Besides this hobby, she’s taken up knitting, the old lass, and now hopes, her brow tightening, that the socks she’s almost finished knitting for her writer spouse, purple with lavender highlights, will not find themselves left on the floor. At least not if he knows what’s good for him.
So here it is: the essay the writer feared writing, the one about the old lass, her skyscrapers and knitted socks. We’ve read it. Now what? Who thinks the writer’s a loser? Who’s pissed? Let’s pretend his wife is pissed. She’s furious. The writer husband told everybody on the internet that she won’t sleep with him. Bastard! Now he’s in trouble. Now she’ll show him! How? He’s already on the sofa. Well, never you mind, pal. She’ll think of something.
I don’t believe that this wife will be pissed. Because if her goal is absolute control of the marriage, if she wants—I’ll borrow a line from Lester Burnham (the anti-hero of American Beauty)—to keep his dick in a Mason jar under the kitchen sink, shouldn’t she be proud that he told the internet? Her domination is complete. Now that hubby admitted it, she can take that Mason jar and march out into society. Yes! Here it is! She’ll hold it high while walking down her suburban lane. The neighboring wives, seeing her pride, will be inspired to go and get their own Mason jars and march right behind her. A procession from subdivision to subdivision, strip-mall to strip-mall, condo complex to condo complex. It grows at every city until the vast majority of married American women descend onto Washington with their jars held high. They fill the National Mall, the writer’s wife still at the front, and they are ready now to announce…finally…what? What more can be done after this?
My brothers-in-letters, this presented daydream is the worst thing that can happen if we air our dirty laundry—or, rather, our virgin sheets. But the consequences will probably be very different. If an essay published by The Good Men Project results in this Mason jar march on the National Mall, I doubt I’ll be the only one to consider both the essay and the march among the most important events in human history. Once the march is over, we’ll be forced to ask important questions, see if there is anything anyone can do to bring organs and socks back to their proper places.
Photo by Oskay
I agree that there is a sterotype regarding gay men; what I meant, in thinking that there is a stoic model lurking in our culture, is that that particular model does nothing but feed these stereotypes as well as creating one for what it means to be a man. Here is the general view of which I am referring to: A man is not supposed to express fear, or doubt; is supposed to suppress tears; and is supposed to be striving towards a certain physical condition; all of which make the man “tough”. I find this particular model of a… Read more »
It seems that what is often lacking when men do openly discuss their marriage or love relationship is their definition of marriage or even love. Furthermore, when such a definition is offered it is not really discussed in and of itself: What are the implications of such a definition, for you and your partner? If you find yourself disappointed with your relationship, why? (btw, disappointment= unrealized expectations, something to think about). When I do try to discuss such things with other men I find myself quickly dismissed, as if actually “thinking” about such issues is pointless. If we are to… Read more »
That gay men are somehow female or feminine is a stereotype, one we continue to battle. Rather than set gay men apart (along with women) as people that “old school” or traditional men can’t learn anything from, consider that the keys to freeing your relationships from tired gender stereotypes rely upon learning from people who are somehow different from yourself. If you can only learn from one another to the degree that you closely model the stoic patriarch, you limit what men can learn about feeling and expressing emotions, the kinds of work men can do, what men can reasonably… Read more »
What has hppened to trying to be honourable.
Men don’t want to write about their marriages because those relationships are private and it means talking about their spouses, people who should be able to confide in them.
Agreed.
The highs and lows of our relationship is of relevance to my partner and me only. It’s nobody else’s business.
Exactly.
So, just out of curiosity, how are we supposed to know what a good marriage is if people aren’t willing to talk about their experiences? How do we know how to fix it?
Cory I love the negative way you speak about men. “How do we know how to fix it?” To require fixing, something has to be broken or dysfunctional. So many just fail to grasp how they keep using language in indirect negative ways and are as fixated upon the negative even when supposedly saying it a nice way! You say “How do we know how to fix it? – and so many ask “”How do YOU know it is broken?” Some also wonder at the incessant use of the “WE” as if it magically includes everyone by default – and… Read more »
Gint- As someone who wrote a piece for GMP about my marriage and work-family juggle, I can explain why it is often awkward for me. I happen to be married to an amazing woman and my marriage is really really happy. This also means, at best, it is boring to anyone who isn’t me or my wife, and, at worst, it pisses people off because it comes off as bragging. That’s my pet theory as to why those in happy marriages don’t talk about it nearly as much as those in bad marriages. This lack of representativeness skews the conversation.… Read more »
I think you may be right that men who have happy marriage don’t share their experiences as much. I think that’s unfortunate.
How in the world are we supposed to know what a happy marriage looks like if our elders don’t talk about them, especially if, like me, your parents didn’t have a happy marriage (or any marriage…) ?
That’s my pet theory as to why those in happy marriages don’t talk about it nearly as much as those in bad marriages. This lack of representativeness skews the conversation. LOL – I’ll back that 100%. The skewed demographics advice – who supposedly seeks advice, how and when and even where do leave men slightly out in the dark. There is the overly well developed gross trope of only women are influenced by Marketing and so make all purchasing decisions … inlcuding advice shopping. That’s why so many advertisers represent men as negative and stupid to make women look better… Read more »
A reason that occurs to me why people don’t write about their marriages more is that they assume their marriage is unique, that few if any readers would find something there that resonates for them. Maybe the guy on the couch assumes all other married men are happily sleeping in their marital beds. I think my marriage is strong, but what if writing about it uncovers its weaknesses? Just as writing about ourselves comes with the risk that someone else will see what we don’t in the patterns of our lives, it could happen to our marriages, too. Not only… Read more »
Some of my friends married young (mid 20’s) and most got quickly divorced. Some of my friends married after 30 and few seem really satisfied.
Writing about it seems futile to me. I suspect it might to them as well.
Two factors that keep a man from speaking on any issue are fear and shame. The writers seem to be ashamed of admitting difficulties in their marriages and/or fearful of their wives’ wrath for exposing them to outsiders. So the secret is out that the state of marriage is not really as blissful as it is made out to be. The real problem is that men enter marriage expecting one thing while in reality it turns out to be something else. The feel really conned and most men do not want to accept that they are foolish enough to have… Read more »
I don’t think most men are conned into being married. I think most men don’t know what marriage means. Some think it’s a never ending festival of sex, companions to parties, and someone to do their laundry. The truth is that most marriage advice is catered to women, because women seek it out. I ran a blog about being a good husband for nearly three years, and you know what, nearly three-quarters of my readers were women. The most common comment on the site was, “This is great. I’m going to get my husband to read this.” The second most… Read more »
Women look for help because they care about their relationships. Men refuse help because they are too prideful or scared to admit that they need it. I can’t agree with that one. When men and woemn ask me for help I keep finding that men are looking for one thing and women another. Now I know that it’s seen as totally wrong to point out the there is strong evidence of gender differences – because it imperils the One Size Fits All Advice Trope that keeps on getting pushed out. As soon as i saw “This is great. I’m going… Read more »
” Women look for help because they care about their relationships. Men refuse help because they are too prideful or scared to admit that they need it.”
Well if that is your opinion, is no wonder that men dont seek your help. I would n either.
Well, I’m not a therapist or counselor, so that’s okay. 😉
In all seriousness, though, I don’t mean to come across as callous, this is just what I noticed after running a blog about marriage for more than three years.
I constantly had men attacking me for making common-sense suggestions about marriage, like put your wife first, don’t watch porn, and spend a little less time playing video games. Women were beating down the door looking for help, while men were…not.
Hmm @Cory Huff. – I get asked for advice literally daily – and I advice individuals, not them as a Mass Gender – Mass Group – Mass Noun. I can’t help but notice that your language is quite polarised, genderised and generic. Women This – Men That. The truth is – Due to Common sense ….etc. It has that hallmark of Block Quotas and Ring Fencing. I get it the use of language to be pithy – get an idea across quickly – but when the brevity becomes fixed, and even fixated and supposedly connected to the word advice ….… Read more »
soullite, you’re reading far more into what I wrote than what was intended. I never told any men to “STFU and do what their wife wants you to do.” A long term, healthy relationship demands give and take on both parts. Both men and women must be willing to do things that make their partner happy. Sometimes, for women, that means being cool with guys going out have a drink or play video games with their buddies. Sometimes, for men, that means forgoing a night of gaming to listen to his wife talk about what’s troubling her and show her… Read more »
I sure as hell feel conned and if that’s the way you talk to men… no wonder your audience is women.
I’m sorry you feel conned. I’ve no doubt this can happen for some people, but I don’t think it’s the norm. I saw your comment about friends getting married. I also have many friends who were married in their 20s and early 30s. Many of them are truly happy.
I would love to figure out what the difference is, wouldn’t you?
@Cory Huff. It is a total lie that women care about their relationship and men don’t. The only difference is that Most often, men men favour logic over emotions while women do the opposite. The kind of relationship advice on the Internet and even all those counselling and therapies are crap. No wonder men never seek out those things while women grab anything labeled “a relationship enhancer.” As for the fact that maority of your readers are women, it makes me suspect that your advice usually cater to the whims and fantasies of wife. Why would a woman read a… Read more »
You need to re-read my comment. I didn’t say men don’t care, I said that men were too scared to ask for help. There’s a big difference.
I know men care. I lead a men’s group for my church, and we discuss a lot of this stuff pretty openly – but in very small groups where the risk factor is much lower, and there are no women there to hear what we say.
My experience tells me that men care deeply about their marriages – but fear and shame prevent an honest discussion of the issues.
So any ideas as to the source of that fear and shame?
Thank you Danny – I had lost track of that little industrial diamond in the gem strewn field. What it may lack in carat weight it does make up for in Obfuscation. P^) So we have the men are not speaking due to Shame meme? I get bemused by this use of the word and the Men-Shame Dynamic and Model. It seems that if a person does not communicate as others require it is caused by “Shame” – which makes me wonder about all those shame filled Foreigners who are just so filled with shame they can”t be bothered speaking… Read more »
That’s a great question Danny. I’m sure it varies, but I think for many men, there’s a fear of being wrong about what it means to be in a relationship.
For me, there was a deep sense of shame because I thought I knew what it meant to be married, but I really didn’t. For the first couple of years of my marriage, it was a real struggle. I had to learn how to care for my wife’s feelings, which I didn’t know how to do. I’m still not perfect at it, but we’re happily married after 10 years now.
Odd that – so it took you ten years to find out about how to relate to your wife and her feelings .
Normally there are two people in a marriage – has your wife managed to learn yet or was there no need from the outset?
I would say that I am still learning to relate to my wife and her feelings, just like she is still learning to understand me. I think marriage is an evolving process of discovery. You’re never done learning about each other, because you both continue to grow and change as human beings through different life experiences.
I would say that from the beginning my wife was better at understanding emotions than I was – but she would tell you that she is still learning as well.
So your marriage was broken and dysfunctional from the outset and still aint fixed – or am I using the wrong language to speak about it due to possibly making incorrect assumptions ? P^)
You may need to look more closely at how you use language, especially in general, when addressing other people’s lives.
I’m sure it varies, but I think for many men, there’s a fear of being wrong about what it means to be in a relationship. Possible. So I guess then I wonder some other things: 1. What exactly did those men have wrong? 2. Where did that get those things from? 3. What force(s) drill that shame into men’s heads to keep them from speaking up? Men feeling like they know that it takes to sustain a relationship, finding out they were wrong, and then being unable to speak up about it doesn’t just appear from nothing and I’m not… Read more »
I think I can kind of explain this. I think at the start of a relationship, you and your partner start out being really good at communicating about feelings, so they become the person you communicate in that special way. But in the middle or problematic parts of a relationship, where you can see problems and craziness, and communication starts to break down, you realize that you communicate better with the Greate Internet than with your partner. And that feels like betrayal. I realized earlier that I can only talk about relationships after they end, at which point I have… Read more »
Well if they won’t write extract meanings and language by devious means. Apparently that’s what happens in marriages anyway! I wouldn’t know as a single pouf! P^) Ten questions about marriage! Ask them all – get the answers – reveal the truth as required and as you manage to extract it – even like impacted wisdom teeth removed with pliers a shot of bourbon and some camaraderie. Why not have people suggest the questions they would most like to ask married men and get an honest answer to. Anonymous Honest Men. I can see a book deal in that one!… Read more »