About Gint ArasGint Aras (Karolis Gintaras Žukauskas) has been trapped on planet earth since 1973. His writing has appeared in Antique Children, Criminal Class Review, The Hellgate Review, Curbside Splendor, Dialogo, Šiaurės Atėnai and other publications. He's a photographer and the author of a novel, Finding the Moon in Sugar. Check out http://gint-aras.com
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I see the benefits of marriage for women, financial support, limited fertility window, legal advantage in case of divorce. Personal security. Someone to move furniture, basic domestic and auto maintenance. Company, etc. But whats in it for me? I have to make more money to buy a bigger house, buy and insure multiple vehicles and health insurance policies, ask permission to make basic decisions, prostrate myself before Gloria Allred style feminist opinions so common in modern women. I can see why a man historically would want to marry (access to sex, nurturing role of women, Patriarchal domestic structure, traditional family unity), but there really isn’t much incentive in todays context. I look around me and I see a lot of married men trying very hard to convince themselves and me that their choice to marry was a good idea. I just cant think of any. It seems obvious to me that for a man to marry in 2012 America is a contract for indentured servitude. I like to make decisions on short notice. I like living comfortably on $50,000 a year and not sweating it if I have to switch jobs. I like my old, comfortable furniture. I dont like expensive resturaunts. I dont like large pretentious social gatherings. I believe that animals should not be treated like people. I disagree strongly with the majority of feminist politics. I am attracted to women, but I would prefer not to live with them.
Well I kinda feel the same way about men sometimes — I like my independence and don’t really want ti be a man’s caretaker. I see a lot of marriages where the husband is kind of like a big child. He expects his wife to be his mother. Actually, a lot of marriages look depressing to me.
“I have to make more money to buy a bigger house, buy and insure multiple vehicles and health insurance policies, ask permission to make basic decisions, prostrate myself before Gloria Allred style feminist opinions so common in modern women”
I don’t know who Gloria Allred is, but I consider myself a feminist and as such I would not expect my future husband to do any of these things. I am financially secure, I take care of my own vehicle and insurance, and I would never want my husband to “ask permission” for any basic decisions, seeing as how he is a competent adult man. If he asks my opinion, I will give it, but he can do whatever the hell he wants and I won’t be hurt if he doesn’t take my advice. And I’m not enslaved to his income so I don’t have to “ask permission” to buy things. I don’t even care what kind of job he has, just that he’s happy.
But your very objections are the reasons that I never dreamed of or idealized marriage until I met the man I am now with, who convinced me that marriage doesn’t have to equal “tied down” or “enslaved to do the bulk of the housework”. Marriage is what we decide it’s going to be, and it absolutely won’t be what you imagine: the stereotypical contentious marriage. That’s resolved if you marry an adult who knows how to take care of themselves, someone you respect and admire. Then everything else becomes gravy. He’s got my back and I’ve got his, and that’s really all the incentive we need.
“I’m attracted to women, but I would prefer not to live with them” – amen, brother! I felt the same way about men. Good thing I don’t have to live with all men, just the one who fits.
But I 100% agree that not everyone should get married, or ever be pressured into it. Find someone who wants what you want out of life, talk about they type of marriage you want, and go for it! Or live happily independent. They’re both viable options. (Though the steady access to high-quality, varied, loving, lusty, comfortable, or wild sex as the mood strikes, is a huge benefit … which again, won’t happen if you don’t find someone who is sexually/emotionally compatible, or sex-positive, etc)
*** I DO want to emphasize, to both Chris Anthony and Sarah: If you marry, just marry an ADULT. They are out there!!
I used to think like Chris Anthony, except my rant went a little different (I put more emphasis on the fact that we have to pay 3 months salary to buy a ring for a woman that we will then have to support). I’ve softened my stance because what we all hate is the “traditional marriage”. I’m now more open to marriage, but only on equal terms. It’s pretty evident that traditional marriage (as well as traditional divorce) leaves a lot to be desired by men and women alike.
I think we still need to re-invent marriage just as much as we re-invent gender roles. People never talk about the immense pressure that men are under to get married, often at the hands of their girlfriends and family. Also, society views marriage as a source of professional legitimacy once you reach your mid to late twenties, which adds more pressure to pop the question.
We need to continue to strip romance and emotions from the discussion of marriage. Bottom line is that the only thing permanent about a marriage is the legal agreement. I know many men and women who have learned this lesson too late. I wish we lived in an era where pre-nups were the rule, and not the exception, and that marriage isn’t the ultimate end point of all successful relationships. In short, we need to continue to be open to alternative lifestyles.