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Are you having your first date in years, or first date of the night? Either way, you might be navigating some nervous moments. Here are a few tools to keep your cool on that date—but you can also practice them in the boardroom, on stage, or just about anywhere else you feel the jitters creeping in.
1. See if you’re actually nervous. Sometimes “nervous” becomes the umbrella term for a range of feelings. Take a moment and feel what you’re feeling. Don’t rationalize or try to change it: just settle into the sensations in your body and notice the thoughts that come up. You may find that it’s actually apprehension, panic, exhilaration, tension, or any number of other emotions. Being clear about what you’re feeling and investing in a little self-inquiry might be enough to diffuse the anxiety. Maybe you’re just excited!
If you’re panicking or apprehensive, at least now you have a sense of direction. What feels icky, exactly? Are there red flags about this person or the specific date you have planned? Trust your gut and act accordingly.
Are you ready to be dating and willing to be available to someone? Have you decided already that she won’t like you? You might consider healing work, or simply accepting that you’re nervous but doing it anyway. Good on ya, either way. It’s not easy to put yourself out there honestly to someone new.
2. Breathe. My personal trainer reminded me that whenever any of her clients—including me—try something new they hold their breath. It’s a natural response. In yoga, a huge part of the practice is remembering to connect the breath with each movement, even (especially) when there’s a brand new posture involved. Sinc, breathing correctly actually helps prevent injuries, it will help you on your date, too.
Prolonged periods of shallow breathing can cause high blood pressure, headaches, fatigue, irritability, and even impotence, and our respiratory system is linked directly to our endocrine and nervous systems. If you go right from a stressful job into a date, your adrenal glands could be in a constant fight-or-flight buzz. Taking deep, slow breaths actually tells your kidneys, “we’re not in any danger here, so let’s relax.”
When you sit down with your date, take a breath. Then, take another before you ask or answer a question, and when the waiter takes your order. Breathe whenever you pick up your water glass. Make a conscious effort to breathe well, because doing so will help keep you relaxed (a vibe your date just might pick up on).
3. Stay grounded. Whenever I’m “on,” all of my energy feels like it’s in my head. I’m smiling, talking, making eye contact, and hoping there’s nothing in my teeth. Eventually, I forget I have feet. When I drop my attention down, imagining my feet rooted through the floor (even in heels), I arrive in my body again. Instead of feeling like a helium balloon that’s barely tethered to a chair, I feel my entire body settling into the here and now.
4. There is no right—there’s just you. So much energy is expended on the effort to make a good impression, to say, do and be the right thing that it can be downright exhausting.
Nobody wants to be the knob that embarrasses himself and his date without even knowing it. However, if dates feel like job interviews, you are missing the point entirely. The first encounter is not about your credentials, and your date is not a boss you need to impress. Show up as you—and not the rarified version of you saved for courtrooms and keynotes: even that guy could probably use a hug.
5. Chill. This date is a chance to get to know someone who might be awesome, to learn about new perspectives and ideas, listen to different music, and go to that restaurant you’ve heard so much about. So let’s keep some perspective: this date is definitely not the be all and end all of anything.
Lower the stakes, darlin’. Show up, listen, and surrender the attachment to how it’s supposed to turn out. I promise you’ll have more fun.
And that’s the point, right? We don’t look for love because we want it to feel like work. We want effortless, friendly, sexy fun. Let yourself off the hook so you can just take pleasure in other’s company.
Now go enjoy yourselves. I won’t wait up.
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—Photo by Khamkéo Vilaysing on Unsplash
I think your advice is great Mikki. Points 4 and 5 especially are important for stable, healthy, long-term relationships. I think where John is coming from with his Ethiopian/American analogy and where you and Missy are coming from with your responses show a misunderstanding from each gender on how the other gender feels about dating. The perception men have is that women have plenty of options, we were lucky to get the date, and we don’t want to take the chance that our true self is enough to get a second date. Once we’ve become more comfortable around a woman,… Read more »
Wonderful article Mikki! It seems to apply to “first dates” of all sorts: client meetings, job interviews, auditions, and other places where it is vitally important to make a good first impression.
Women feel a tremendous amount of pressure to be attractive, stay safe, “snare” a man, and all kinds of other things that have nothing to do with genuine connection or fun. Some might feel that they have a sort of upper hand, but the ones that I spend time with usually pretty lost about dating. Most women also sense when a man is needy, manipulative, or out to get something from her, and the defenses instantly go up (meaning no second date). If you feel “saddled by responsibility” as a “starving Ethopian,” then this is the energy you’re bringing into… Read more »
Mikki, I think your advice is good in a general feel good sort of way. People should always be clear of mind and calm in any activity. However, I think I am mostly with AZ on this one. Dating is a courtship ritual. In other words, while it can be an activity IN AND OF ITSELF, AZ is correct that the goal of dating is to succesfully secure companionship. You may or may not think of it this way, because you can AFFORD TO dating from the female role. In my estimation, men’s and women’s environment to achieve companionship are… Read more »
OK, it’s been a while since I dated. And I’ll grant that things may have changed significantly. But I think you’re undervaluing the emotional risks most women I know bring to the dating table. Trust me, every date has the potential for heartbreak and real emotional damage, which is why the advice given in the article seems to resonate. It’s coming from the perspective of trying to make an actual emotional connection, rather than trying to “game” the other person, ply them with “pillow talk” or otherwise skip past the actual human connectedness that can arise from simply having a… Read more »
The purpose of dating is to be successful, not to enjoy it. For men who want to date despite the risks (not recommended), the fastest path to success is Game, taught by experienced leaders of the seduction community.
Anthony, your personal definition of success does not match mine. Success for me involves fun, friendship, mutual support, intimacy, and other such human-to-human interactions. Interesting that an approach to the “risky” business of dating –that doesn’t talk about enjoyment– is still called the Game.
“Success for me involves fun, friendship, mutual support, intimacy, and other such human-to-human interactions.” This is because you and I live in very different worlds: You live in a safe world where public servants and people in uniform (blue or black) are your supportive friends. I live in a hostile world where public servants are the enemy, where a blue uniform means a broken knee and jail, and where a black uniform means loss of liberty or loss of my children. Your advice is not relevant to men because your experiences are not relevant to men’s experiences. There is no… Read more »
I’m sorry nothing in my article seemed relevant to you, in dating or in other areas of your life where nerves might be an issue. Maybe next time. As for living in different worlds, shamans have always believed that we create our reality. Our perceptions and beliefs literally create the world that we live in, so yes – it seems we do live in different worlds (though I’d rather you didn’t presume to know exactly what mine looks like). I remember an anecdote about a hunter who was unsuccessful. When he went to the shaman to help him be a… Read more »
Mikki, you’re a shaman? We need to talk. I’m interested in learning more about you and your work. I will reach out to you.
Please do!