The Man With the Really Big… Belly

In this provocative excerpt from Rebecca Weinstein’s new book, we meet a man who might not be conventionally sexy, but makes up for it the old-fashioned way.

This is an excerpt from Fat Sex: The Naked Truth, by Rebecca Jane Weinstein.

 

“It’s what’s on the inside that counts.” Either you had better have an attractive pancreas and spleen, or that expression has some less literal connotation. The middle-school approved definition is that you are a nice person, giving, compassionate, thoughtful, supportive. An all-around good egg. By the time high school rolls around, the actual meaning may be a bit less charitable in nature.

That personality thing is actually pretty significant. It’s often difficult for fat people to believe that, but objectively it’s true. That’s not to say all fat people have good personalities, and a good personality is as subjective as physical attractiveness. But what a person exudes, personality-wise – in terms of attitude, character, and persona – defines appearance just as much as the physical.

Here’s proof.

David is a fat man. Physically speaking, putting aside that judgment on the matter is completely subjective, he’s not bad looking. He has a pleasant face, a nice smile, he’s both bookish and rugged-looking, and empirically speaking, there’s just not anything significantly wrong with him. Now, he is fat, so if you think fat people are gross, that might cloud your judgment and you’d miss those other attributes. On the other hand, he’s no Brad Pitt, or George Clooney, Robert Redford, or Vincent D’Onofrio (everyone has their taste). And though Vincent did put on some weight in recent years, David is much fatter. How fat? If he were a woman it would not be too risky to ask when he was due. So, he’s not a classic beauty, or whatever the male equivalent is.

However, the ladies love him. And he takes full advantage of that.

On some days he might speak of the numerous passionate relationships he has had, and on others he would just admit, “I have been very sexually active.” Though a gentleman doesn’t reveal the actual number of sexual partners, one could glean it is somewhere between many dozens and every woman on earth. He has been accused of wearing out a town. And not only has he been involved with a large number of women, he is regularly involved with a large number of women at any given time. Those numbers are relative, of course. But his general practice is to be involved with more than one woman at once. Not literally at once; in fact, each woman knows nothing of the others, at least not while the relationships are still going well. He has a philosophy about exclusivity. If the relationship is not explicitly exclusive, it should be assumed that it isn’t. That might be the opposite of what many of his partners believe – but since it is not discussed, one can’t be certain.

Is this fellow in fact a cad – and not a gentleman as described above? It probably depends on whom you ask. He doesn’t think so, and certainly while involved with him, the women don’t think so. Part of his success seems to be his appreciation for a wide array of types of women: younger, older, his own age, an ethnic rainbow, many sizes and shapes, and women from around the globe. He is well traveled, literally and figuratively. He particularly likes the French. Who doesn’t? For him women are a tasting menu and an international buffet.

He has never married, though he has been proposed to. He would like to marry someday, perhaps have children. Now, in his mid-forties, he appears to be sampling prospective wives – several at a time.

You get the picture – this guy gets around. The question remains: how does an average guy – average that is except being 100-plus pounds overweight – manage to bag all these babes in a culture that assumes someone that big doesn’t have a shot in hell at attracting anyone, much less everyone?

In case you were wondering, David’s substantial weight is not some new thing. You haven’t been misled – that some conventionally hunky stud racked up the bed board notches before packing it on. No, in fact he has a story much like a lot of large people. Parents concerned with his weight (unreasonably so, but obsessive enough to turn a non-issue into an actual problem). Fat camp, diets, thoughts of weight loss surgery followed. Thin, fat, thin, fat, thin . . . fat. Sure, there were times when he was an average-weight guy. He got lots of sex then. But there is just as much fat sex.

His history of yo-yo weight loss and family obsession with having a slim lad led to food issues. He states that he has a food addiction. He is a perfect example that this doesn’t just happen to women. That dieting, shame, fear, and more dieting, build a fat person with a screwed-up relationship with food. Mind you, not every fat person has a screwed-up relationship with food. But some do, particularly those who got started on the dieting road young. And whatever may be the case for other fat people, he does have food issues. He also has health issues. The classic ones they claim you get when you are fat – but more likely get when your body has been though the yo-yo ringer – not to mention genetically predisposed. All his siblings were sent to fat camp too. It was a family tradition. And like so many traditions, for no objectively rational purpose, but just because that’s what you do.

A different guy, who is also fat, but not quite as lucky with the lasses (though he, in fact, has quite a good personality) suggested that David must be very large in other areas than the belly. To be precise, he stated: “The guy must have a huge dick.” It was presented to him that women don’t know the size of the male organ until becoming intimately acquainted with it. It’s not like there are markings on the trousers. This guy found that explanation suspect – he insisted women know. Believe what works for you, but it’s got to be live or Memorex. Women don’t have a psychic ability to know penis size. Though they do talk. But like any good fish story, if you weren’t there with a tape measure, you should assume some exaggeration. Anyhow, whether or not David is well endowed, that’s not the reason the gals are flocking to him. And no, just like there is no correlation to shoe size, there is no correlation to belly size either. (If the male member did get commensurately larger with weight gain, there wouldn’t be a thin man on earth.)

So what has David got that we haven’t got? “It.” Some kind of charm, charisma, savoir faire. He’s got a good sense of humor, and women love that. He moves well. Yes, that’s possible, even for a fat man. He’s smart, clever, dynamic, knows how to draw people in. It’s the high school version of “it’s what’s on the inside that counts.” Not the middle-school version. He’s not an exceptionally nice person, enormously giving, deeply compassionate, thoughtful, or supportive. Not to insult him, he’s just fine, but he doesn’t save puppies from burning buildings. He’s not the kind of guy you would necessarily label an all-around good egg. He’s regular, a mix of good and not so good. And it’s not precisely that he has a good personality either – he has a good persona. He’s the kind of attractive that comes from a personality that attracts. Not a good personality, an attractive one.

This is the kind of guy that gets the girls. Whether he is fat or thin, he gets the girls. But he gets them fat. Is he an enigma? One rogue fat guy that has some magic ability to get women to look past his fat? No. They aren’t looking past his fat. They don’t care that he is fat. But far more importantly, he doesn’t care that he is fat. That’s not true in every respect; anyone who has been yo-yo dieting their whole life has thoughts and feelings about fat. But when it comes to women, he doesn’t care that he is fat. Once, a bitter lady, perhaps a tad heartbroken, said some mean-spirited things about his weight. The kind of things she expected would make him collapse in a pool of his own shame. David responded that he could never respect someone whose lack of interest in him was based on his weight. For many of us, that could be just a self-protective measure. Not for him, because within weeks he was involved with two other women.

There are people in the world who are so driven that whatever drives them overpowers their insecurities. It has been suggested that David may be a dating or sex addict. David is not a sex addict. You’ll just have to take it on faith.

Perhaps he is a “player.” Whether one is a player is a judgment, and whether or not David is a player – which is subject to your judgment – is not the point. The point is if he is a player, even fat guys can be players – which means fat has nothing to do with it. He’s not a celebrity, he’s not lavishing gifts, and he’s not making hollow promises. He just attracts women.

So maybe he’s a dynamo in bed? Maybe, but just like with penis size, there is no overt sign. Nothing that clues women in before they are in the moment. And in fact, he comes across as kind of a prude. He may or may not be a prude, but he’s not oozing sexual energy. And prudishness is not known for its aphrodisiac effects. In terms of his sexual prowess, at least with regard to what is apparent to the average viewer, he is also regular.

Maybe it’s just easier for fat men? This question comes up a lot, and there are many takes on the matter. It is sometimes suggested that men are not held to the same unrealistic standards of beauty as women; or that women are not so much “visual creatures” in the same way men are. That women are more interested in the whole package, they are not as shallow – finding a good husband and provider is more important than a trophy. And a host of other blanket assumptions. It’s all crap. The conventionally handsome guy, these days, has an appearance just as unattainable as that of a woman. Six-pack-abs are difficult for anyone to achieve. And even if there is research leading to the notion that men are more “visual,” it has now become one of those things people just say that has no real meaning. More visual, less visual, if you can see, you are visual, but it has nothing to do with your particular preference.

There is loads of research supporting the notion that “attractive” people get better jobs, make more money, are assumed to be nicer, find more attractive partners. It may very well all be true. But these are generalizations. Whether it is easier or harder for fat men than fat women depends on the person. For David, it’s probably easier. Why? Because he’s David. It’s going to be easier for anyone with “it.” Also, he’s confident about his ability to attract romantic partners and not afraid to be rejected. That’s all there is to it.

Now stop trying to find a loophole!

There is no grand secret. He’s a fat guy, and women, lots of women, not just the ones who have a thing for fat guys, are attracted to him. What does this say about fat guys in general? Nothing! It does say that as a general principle, it’s the voices in your head that keep you from building a harem. It’s how you feel about yourself that counts. Yeah, that’s such a cliché. But you come up with a better explanation. Perhaps you don’t have “it.” Not many of us do. But not many of us feel the need to date three people at a time, on a regular basis, for years on end. Most of us are more than content to have one partner (at least at a time, and until it gets boring). Most of us are monogamous or serially monogamous. We don’t need this kind of quantity. We wouldn’t know how to handle it if we had it. Being a player seems like it would be exhausting, though one tip David did give: simultaneously seeing multiple women with the same name lessens the confusion. Sage advice.

Fat men, let this be a lesson to you. When it comes to attracting the ladies, don’t waste your time dieting. Spend it learning to be a charmer. Weight loss is usually temporary. The skills of a charmer last a lifetime. Also, thin doesn’t guarantee the fairer sex will be drawn to you. It seems that charm is pretty darn close to a sure thing. Ballpark estimation, but if people gain back their weight 85-95 percent of the time, charmers get the girl at just about the same rate. You rarely get odds like that for something you want.

 

Like what you read? Buy Fat Sex: The Naked Truth today!

 

Photo— Tobyotter/Flickr

Premium Membership, The Good Men Project

About Rebecca Jane Weinstein

Rebecca Jane Weinstein is the author of “Fat Sex: The Naked Truth,” a provocative new book about size and relationships. She is also the founder of PeopleOfSize.com, an online community and social networking site which provides information, support, and interaction for "people of size." Trained as a lawyer and social worker, Rebecca has been working as an advocate and writer for nearly twenty years.

Comments

  1. I have to ask, is he getting women who are similar in looks/size/shape to him or is he getting women who look better and/or worse than him? Women who are of all shapes n sizes, or just women who are 100lbs overweight? The reason I ask is because I basically grew up being taught that people date in a similar attractiveness range, and similar body type, fat men have to date fat women, thinner people get more CHOICE. I am a bigger person but I don’t want to be restricted by having to date within a defined range, I feel it’s limiting.

    In our quest to get the best looks for our body I think we overlook the importance of changing our personality for the better, dropping bitterness for example or finding our confidence.

    • This man is dating — in relationships with — sleeping with, women of all sorts. Some conventionally beautiful, some less so. Some younger, some older. This is a person who exemplifies that we can make our own rules, and societal pressures do not have to limit us. That is not to say everyone has his ability to attract — like I said, there is something special about his personality. But mostly, it is his confidence. He is not afraid to be rejected and he is not afraid to go after what he desires. I can’t say for certain what the key is, but if I can make the best guess, it’s lack of fear. If he is rejected he just moves on and doesn’t let it crush him. He is not intimidated. He simply does not buy into the idea that there is a defined range. I believe this is something he has worked on, it’s not magic.

      • Ah ok, Thank-you! It’s nice to know there isn’t a set rule. I think many people don’t approach others out of fear they aren’t in the same league and it’s a damn shame to limit yourself like that. Overcoming the fear of rejection is an important goal of mine.

  2. Question.

    Did you by chance get around to questioning just how far back this success (and the failures they are mixed with) goes?

    From the excerpt here it would seem this is something that’s been going on for him for a long period of time rather than a sudden spurt of recent success.

    I wonder because one of the biggest things that has me worried is age/time. When you make it to your early 30s without a single relationship in your past (and extremely limited sexual experience) people wonder. It’s one thing to be 20 and never had a relationship (but with the way teens fall in and out of love I think even 20 is a stretch), but a bit over the threshold of 30?

  3. He has always been a lady’s man. But There are many people in the book who were late bloomers. It’s much more common than people admit, so it seems to me from talking to a lot of people. I’m not a sex therapist by any stretch, but what I saw over and over is we are our own worst enemies when it comes to attracting others. Sometimes you have to be fearless, even if you are faking it. Everyone has issues, even if you feel like you are the only one.

    • It’s much more common than people admit, so it seems to me from talking to a lot of people.
      I’d imagine so. There’s a bit of a stigma attached to being a late starter in such things.

      I’m not a sex therapist by any stretch, but what I saw over and over is we are our own worst enemies when it comes to attracting others.
      Agreed. I think in the case of late bloomers we become our own worst enemy when the few times we’ve decided to express interest in someone it have a 100% failure rate we kinda decide to just give up.

      Previous experience tells us that initiating never works and trying to attract others never works. Now I’m sure someone would want to say that they shouldn’t take such things to heart but speaking for myself at least that is so much easier said then done.

      Everyone has issues, even if you feel like you are the only one.
      Oh yes certainly everyone has issues but I think what trips people up is that while they acknowledge that there are others out there that have issues, even others that have issues very similar to yours, there is a personal touch on your own issues, because they are yours. An exact combination of experiences, trials, errors, and everything else that adds up to exactly what you are going through.

      And I think one thing that is ever present in the mind of a late bloomers is this:
      “How exactly do I start turning things around? Or now that so much time has passed is turning things around even possible?”

Trackbacks

  1. [...] The Man With the Really Big… Belly [...]

Speak Your Mind