Amalie Steidley responds to Tom Matlack’s article on men and feminism.
The word “feminist” is a loaded one. For some, the word is associated with hairy legs, burning bras, and aggressively intolerant women who march through the streets crying out for the end of men. For others, feminism is a part of their everyday life; it is the lens through which they see the world. It is the answer to gender discrimination in society and a way to reach gender equality. Some react instantly to the word “feminism,” and others need time to sift through the conversation surrounding feminism to come to any understanding of the term at all.
I am among the latter. For most of my life, I took strong, independent women for granted. Of course women were equal to men; in my life, many of the adult women I knew were imminently more capable than their husbands. My default was to think about women as more emotionally capable, more socially responsible, and more able to deal with tragedy. I thought of strength in gendered terms, attributing the strength of survival and endurance to women and the strength of physical aggression to men. Feminism was never explicitly stated in my family. Instead, my mother (a partner in a law farm) and aunts (whose professions included ER nurse and kindergarten teacher) simply lived as if they deserved to be treated equally, which taught me to live the same way.
I came into contact with feminism the way most people come into contact with drugs–through my close friends. When I came to college and made friends who were conscious of gender issues, I began to understand a dimension of gender equality that had never before occurred to me. I was familiar with the effects of sexism on women, but what about the effects of sexism on men? How had the sexual revolution changed how men viewed their role in society? Were men forced to negotiate their masculinity in the same way that women were forced to negotiate their femininity?
One of the most influential voices in this discovery of a new facet of gender equality was a dear friend by the name of Daniel Jones. We met in our freshman year at Emerson College, the school that I attended before I transferred to Boston University. Currently, Daniel is a senior at Emerson double majoring in Theater Studies and Writing, Literature and Publishing. He has written for the Good Men Project, a website that focuses on exploring what masculinity means in today’s world. I spoke to him recently about his own understanding of masculinity and why he does not consider himself a feminist, despite the fact that he supports gender equity.
Daniel first experienced gender discrimination when he was going through middle and high school. Because his interests did not echo those of the teenage boys around him, his masculinity was constantly challenged. This made him curious about how masculinity is constructed. Daniel is one of the most ardent believers in gender equity that I know. He takes an intensely personal view of gender equity, applying it to both his personal relationships and to macro concepts such as wage disparity.
“If you’re applying for a job, or in a platonic relationship, your sex should not matter. I don’t believe in saying, ‘I can’t do this with someone because they are of a specific gender,’” he said in a telephone interview earlier tonight. If feminism is defined as gender equality, and Daniel supports gender equality, does it follow that he is a male feminist? Daniel doesn’t believe so. “I have been told several times that my interest in masculinity is a feminist interest. It isn’t a feminist interest–it’s the opposite of that.”
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A few months ago, I read an essay online that changed the way I view men and their interaction with feminism. The Good Men Project, mentioned above, is an online blog that focuses on providing a full and nuanced picture of masculinity. They take on pretty much any issue that touches men’s lives; sex, family, work, war, and politics are all fair game. This June, one of the original founders of The Good Men Project, Tom Matlack, wrote an article entitled “Why Being a Good Man is Not a Feminist Issue.”
In it, he talks about his history as a recovering alcoholic and how he got the idea for The Good Men Project in the first place. He writes, “My original motivation in founding the Good Men Project had little to do with what I thought men should do and more in realizing what we were lacking….My goal was not to proselytize in any way, shape or form. It was simply to bring individual stories of manhood to the surface in hopes of inspiring others to share their stories and, while doing so, become better men.”
He goes on to write what becomes the center of the piece–why he believes that feminism is not central to being a good man. “My fundamental view,” he writes, ” is that there is a male experience that is too often squashed in our society by a culture that perpetuates a deeply flawed view of manhood.” He argues in favor of man-to-man discussions, and expresses frustration at the idea that feminism and gender theory have influenced the writing on The Good Men Project’s website.
While he believes that a conversation about feminism is important, he also thinks that, so far as The Good Men Project is concerned, it’s besides the point. The reader he wants to reach is, for lack of a better term, the common man– “not the guy at any extreme but the non-famous father, husband, and worker trying to figure out what the heck is important to him whether he is a venture capitalist (like me) or a stay-at-home dad or an inmate or a soldier coming back from Afghanistan.” He goes on to say that he has trouble “seeing how debates over gender theory advance the ball in that guy’s thinking.”
This was a transformative article for me to read. Thinking back on my own experience learning how to be a strong, independent woman, I tried to imagine what it would be like to have a man phoning in on those experiences. To have a man tell me the importance of treating men a certain way. Honestly, I probably could have used some enlightening–I still cringe remembering the time that I made fun of my first boyfriend for crying–but would it have had the same effect that my conversations with my mother and my sister did?
Obviously, I am not saying that different genders have nothing to learn from each other. My own introduction to gender studies came from a male friend. And I am not saying that feminism is not important, or that it does not represent causes worth fighting for. I am saying that if the goal is gender equality, who cares how we get there? Who cares what label we call ourselves, as long as we can understand that it is no less valid for a man to stay home and be the primary caregiver than it is for women to go into the workplace? Who cares, as long as we’re fighting for a world where both boys and girls get to wear what they want, where girls can play sports and guys can dance, where women can occupy the office and a vulnerable teenage guy can cry without a snide teenage girl calling him less than a man because everyone knows men don’t cry?
The truth is, we need each other. If women want to move into the workplace and have families, we need men to take on more childcare than they have in the past. If men want to be more emotionally open with their partners or pursue activities that are classically feminine, they need partners who are willing to renegotiate the definition of masculinity that society handed to them.
There are people who argue that the issues that both genders face are two sides of the same coin; that men only experience sexism because women are seen as less than. Therefore, if women are seen as equal, men won’t be judged for engaging in feminine pursuits, because being feminine will no longer be a bad thing. So far as I’m concerned, the best way to get to that day where gender is no longer a basis for discrimination is to let everyone take their own road, no matter what term they use to describe it.
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Originally published on The Quad, Boston University’s Independent Online Magazine
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photo: centralasian / flickr
interesting….
“The word ‘feminist’ is a loaded one….” Carla Bruni, the wife of Nicholas Sarcozy, the former president of France, said in French Vogue magazine that she is ” not a feminist”, and that now that she has a new baby girl, she rather enjoys “the bourgeois life”…. Regardless of what she calls herself, I would say that she does benefit from feminism (whether she denies it or not)….she has led the life of a supermodel, jetting around freely to all kinds of parties and exotic locales to party with assorted men, including rock stars, like Eric Clapton and Mick Jagger,… Read more »
…….she has led the life of a supermodel, jetting around freely to all kinds of parties and exotic locales to party with assorted men, including rock stars, like Eric Clapton and Mick Jagger, and later recording her own songs and playing a bit part in a Woody Allen movie…. But Leia isn’t that life, one where a woman gets by on her looks and popularity, something that predates feminism? I’m not trying to say that your assertion that “she benefits from feminism” is totally wrong but it seems that the benefits you mention here were part of the so called… Read more »
@ Leia – Oh boy, more of the fashion oppression and abuse of women through gross generalisation and even grosser ignorance. Of course you are most unlikely to bother reading as you will be floating away in that bubble and not be aware that it has been popped. P^) You really over stepped the mark when you said you thought it was a benefit of feminism, even a privilege, to go to parties with Eric Clapton and Mick Jagger. Eric is a sweetie, but the other guy is a crashing bore. One should wary of being stary eyed and falling… Read more »
Is feminism see as simply a clamor for equal rights or women’s rights? As a radical feminist, this was never my notion of feminism. Perhaps the best place to begin is to talk about the positive and negative traits of what we call masculinity and femininity. I recently wrote about my point of view to a friend, which is this: Positive masculinity is assertive, focused, protective. Positive femininity is warm, nurturing, centered. Negative masculinity is aggressive, driven, alienated. Negative femininity is suffocating, passive, narcissistic. Feminism to me, or humanism if you prefer, means that men and women seek the positive… Read more »
@Amelie
I have one question for you Miss, if feminism is such a great & good thing for men too, how do explain the huge reluctance & disapproval from the majority of men & at least never mind the fact that most women do not like to identified with it, more importantly how do explain the protest at Toronto University against Dr Warren Farrell speaking by feminist lobby their, if feminism as an ideology is not anti-male. ??
@Not buying it – Not sure if it’s up to Amelie to address the issues – though they may choose to answer the question. However I have been seeing information about the Toronto University – Dr Warren Farrell incident and it just comes across as Bizzare – Mob Driven – Dogma without reason and irrational. The full lecture is available on Youtube – http://youtu.be/hrsywdNp36o – and at the start Dr Farrel is asked about the protest and it’s causes. It is quite a Fascinating recording to watch as it creates such a Dissonance with what others have been saying and… Read more »
Amalie, I appreciate your article and your belief that equality should be the goal. I believe you have the noblest of intentions. I’ve learned much from the women on this site and others. Some have described themselves as feminists. Others have not. When we discussed street harassment, I pointed out that I have been harassed by women also. My error was that I equated my experiences with street harassment to be the same as those that women experience. They weren’t in terms of either severity (for the most part) or frequency. As one woman put it a big, karate-trained man… Read more »
Amalie
Thanks so much for thinking so carefully about this issue. It certainly can be a black hole of controversy, as I have found out the hard way. In the end as you point out we are all in this together and as long as we have the end goal of equality and mutual understanding that goes a long way towards a solution. I am flattered that my essay, which many did not agree with, had some impact on your thinking.
Tom
I wonder if anyone will take the evident and obvious course of action and see if Daniel can write?
Just thought the question needed to be asked, rather than just assumed to have been heard.
While the other side of the coin (a significant number of male sexual abusers have been sexually abused themselves as children – also by female perpetrators) is used as a judgement of male abuse victims (the vampire syndrome) rather than an excuse for the perpetrators – as you point out has often been the case of female abusers.
My experiences with feminists have always varies greatly. I’ve been both impressed and utterly dismayed by my experiences with self described feminists. Years ago, I lived with a young women who was a sex positive feminist, and she was truly an inspiration to me. I still consider her a role model. But I’ve also had some run ins with supposed feminists that left me less then impressed. Those are usually the times when I’ve attempted to go public with my childhood abuse at the hands of women, where I’ve been shot down by a small hand-full of women (likely radical… Read more »
It casts the sexism that men face as a side effect or collateral damage of “the real problem” of sexism against women.
Exactly.
I think the reason why so many American men are hostile towards feminism is because, despite all of the lip service that feminists give towards equality/liberation for both genders, “is it good for women?” ultimately dictates the actions of feminists. It’s about female empowerment, not true equality.
It’s about female empowerment, not true equality. I agree and think that’s a good thing, for feminism. Feminism does need to continue to focus on the myriad of issues that women around the world face. They especially need to focus on including women of color and trans women . Let feminism do what it’s good at. It’s needed and shouldn’t be made into more than what it can be. My biggest gripe with many feminists is the co-opting of language. So very often, I hear that sexism against men is impossible due to institutional attack on womanhood. No one denies… Read more »
No one denies that someone can be prejudice against a man simply for his gender but “ism” seems like a battlefield lately. And you can’t have much of a mature debate when you can’t even agree to the definition of the terms you are discussing and one side erases the others ability to discuss their experiences by saying “no, that’s our word.” Damn straight. It seems like by their defining the difference between what is sexism and what is “gender discrimination” is not the what, when, where, why, or how. No it is based entirely on the who. Check this… Read more »
I spoke to him recently about his own understanding of masculinity and why he does not consider himself a feminist, despite the fact that he supports gender equity. To me, this is the first problem. This constant casting of gender equality as something that feminists and feminism have some sort of monopoly on. For every time a feminist has wondered, “if you support gender equality, then why don’t you identify as feminist?” I in turn wonder, “if you support gender equality, why is it so important to you that it be done under the banner of feminism?”. One thing feminists… Read more »
Feminism has a monopoly of gynocentric views of equality, nothing more. The need for the MRM wouldn’t exist if feminism was adequate in addressing equality for all.
Feminism has a monopoly of gynocentric views of equality, nothing more. The need for the MRM wouldn’t exist if feminism was adequate in addressing equality for all. The ugliness of it Archy is that it seems that instead of acknowledging that inadequacy and working to resolve it most feminists seem hell bent on rewriting history to convince us that feminism has always had the well being of men in mind (although to their credits MANY individual feminists don’t do this). Thankfully there are a lot of feminists that are righting against this tide. But unfortunately there are still many that… Read more »
Guys, face it , Feminism isn’t about equal rights , it’s about WOMENS rights! And that’s fine because many issues of unequal treatment of women in career choice and job oppurtunity that were long overdue have been and continue to be addressed and that’s a GOOD thing! However, to claim that Feminism has addressed any inequalities men face, that,s just a falsehood. Oh , N.O.W. released a press statement (one of those Friday afternoon ones) stating their opposition to Military conscription long ago, but that was total C.Y.A. To this very day, all 19 year old MALES are still required… Read more »
This.. All of this.
I just had a debate on facebook with feminists asking them if men in feminism meant male issues would be addressed, quite a few told me that MEN had to do it themselves in regards to things like raisign awareness of male victims of domestic violence. So someone is lying to me, it seems the feminists who tell me feminism addresses male issues are lying or these facebook feminists are. Because if feminism truly was an egalitarian movement, it wouldn’t be up to men to campaign for awareness but feminists of both genders would be campaigning for awareness of male… Read more »
What people say matters nothing compared to what they actually do. The fact is that feminists have not in any meaningful way dealt with male issues. Regardless of what one thinks feminism should do the reality is that nothing happens unless men take action.
It’s not just the gynocentrism of feminism, while playing the egalitarian. It is the assumptions that typically come with feminist theory. The idea that men have some innate need to oppress women. That any action a man takes can be somehow attributed to this oppressive drive. Listening to many feminists explaining men’s behavior, you’d be amazed we were capable of tearing ourselves away from oppressing women long enough to crawl out of the caves, not to mention wondering how women aren’t treated like livestock rather than the people they are today. These ludicrous theories and presumptions of male motives and… Read more »
The idea that men have some innate need to oppress women. That any action a man takes can be somehow attributed to this oppressive drive. No I don’t quite think it’s that. Mind you there are some jerk feminists out there that think that though. For the larger part of them, even the reasonable ones it seems, I think it’s something else. I think it’s more of trying to trace all gender based oppressions back to some force that has a primary goal of keeping women down. And then from there anything bad that happens to men is just some… Read more »
Those examples come directly from the handful of articles discussing the role of white men in the sandy hook shooting, that white men, even the 20 year old ones, are unable to adapt to the loss of their power (even the 20 year olds, who have never actually experienced said power) and have this homicidal need to get it back (despite never actually having it). And these kinds of assumptions are very common with (many) feminists. It’s rare feminists can’t explain something they don’t like, simply by projecting some hateful motive onto all men and explaining how that motive makes… Read more »
I think this essay is a step in the right direction.
Too often, it seems that being a “good man” is defined by how accommodating men are towards women. In fact, it seems that in order to be a good man, one must temper his masculinity.
You know, the same masculinity that’s responsible for sexism, “rape culture,” etc.
I think some men want to define what being a good man is on their own terms. Many are tired of feminists coming in and telling them what they think being a good man is.