Kenny Bodanis imagines what it would be like to contact the company in charge.
—
Maybe, as a species, we should just call it a day.
****
While answering comments on my last post, my eye was drawn to two towering ads for DreamMarriage.com – “#1 Hottest Russian Brides & Women / Ukrainian Women, Too! Click & See” (Thank goodness there are Ukrainian women, too. I was worried they would force me to choose from Russia only).
Surely, GMP isn’t the site such a company could count on for a high click and subscription rate, is it? Curious as to the whether this company was aware of its misplaced ad, I called the Russian office of DreamMarriage.com. (No, not really. Those with no sense of humor, please skip directly to the anonymous, road-rage-esque comment section.)
(there is a pause between the pickup and the greeting)
Yes?
BLOGGER:
Hello?
RUSSIA:
Yes?
BLOGGER:
Is this DreamMarriage.com?
RUSSIA:
Who speaks, please?
The voice isn’t necessarily Russian, but something similar to it. One of the Baltic states, perhaps?
BLOGGER:
My name is Kenny Bodanis. I am a parenting blogger from Canada, who also sometimes writes for The Good Men Project.
Silence. He continues:
Anyway. I noticed a couple of your ads on the sidebar of my latest post…
BALTIC STATES:
The ads for internet?
BLOGGER:
Yes, online.
BALTIC STATES:
The ad is very sexy, yes?
BLOGGER:
They are very attractive women, but….
BALTIC STATES:
Ahhh….you like sexy woman, yes? You leave name on our website, we show you more sexy pictures…
BLOGGER:
No, no, I think you’re misunderstanding. I was calling to tell you I think you’re wasting your time putting your ads on that site.
BALTIC STATES:
Yes? Why?
BLOGGER:
Well, I just don’t think you’ll find many customers there.
BALTIC STATES:
You know this why?
BLOGGER:
Well, we’re sort of a more progressive group. The reason people write for this site, or go read the articles there, is because we are trying to change the image people have of men nowadays. These guys on this site are probably not likely to click on an ad for sexy overseas women looking to be shipped to North America.
There is a pause, the sound of keyboard strokes, followed by the static sounds of the phone being muffled. Then:
BALTIC STATES:
It say here all you men are cūkas.
BLOGGER:
Sorry?
BALTIC STATES:
Cūkas! All you men there!
The camera circles the blogger slowly, revealing the screen on his Dell Inspiron 1525. He Googles ‘Cuka’. The answer is revealed quickly: Cuka is the word for ‘pig’ in Latvia.
Bingo!
BLOGGER:
Pigs, eh? Where did you get that idea?
LATVIA:
“Visi vīrieši ir cūkas”. Is says in article about sexy pants….One moment.
More keyboards taps are heard over grumpy mumbling on the other end of the receiver.
LATVIA:
This man writes. He says all women in your whole county wear sexy pants for their exercising, and “all…men…are….pigs”.
This, perfect for us. You pigs like the sexy women. Please click for more sexy women. We send.
You. You have sexy women?
BLOGGER:
Ummm. Yes, I’m married and have two children.
LATVIA:
Why not be married, and have no kids? Just click and write your name on screen. We take care of it.
I see here, you already click.
BLOGGER:
Yes, but that was just to investigate your site. I even told my wife about it, in case any pictures of sexy women found their way onto my hard drive.
LATVIA:
But, you click, yes?
BLOGGER:
Yes, but just once, never again.
LATVIA:
How many people go to your site, this “Best Men Organization”.
BLOGGER:
“Good Men Project.” I don’t know exact numbers, but a lot. Several hundred thousand for sure.
LATVIA:
Much guys? Or just girls?
BLOGGER:
No, no. Lots of guys. Probably half of them at least.
LATVIA:
Ok. So: hundred thousand guys, and not one cūka? You. You already click, Mr. Me Not Cūka.
BLOGGER:
Look, I can’t speak for everybody…I’m just saying…not many cūkas, here…on this site.
LATVIA:
This conversation. You will tell people of it?
BLOGGER:
Probably. I’m a writer, that’s what I do.
LATVIA:
You mention DreamMarriage.com in your writing?
The blogger pulls the phone away from his ear, rubs his face with his free hand, and looks toward the ceiling for a few seconds….
LATVIA:
Hello?
BLOGGER:
Yes, I’ll probably mention your site. There’s no way around that really.
LATVIA:
Good. This is how we work.
People talk, cūkas click. All the time. We see fifty click, one guys orders girl. Even from your group of “Best Men”. Guaranteed.
BLOGGER:
I doubt it.
LATVIA:
When people in private home, they do funny stuff. All the time.
We make you deal:
You write article, mention DreamMarriage.com. And, when you want, you come to our office, we let you meet someone nice.
BLOGGER:
Ummm…thanks, that’s not necessary, really. Besides, I don’t think my next vacation will be to Latvia.
The voice on the other end of the extension erupts in laughter…
BLOGGER:
What’s so funny?
LATVIA:
I’m in Chicago, Mr. Best Men.
I let you go now. There are new clicks. I must manage customer.
—
photo: istolethetv / flickr
This was probably a Lithuanian pretending to be Latvian and using google translate.