How do you know when you’ve become a man?
This article by Earl Hipp was previously published on the Man-Making Blog, and is reprinted here with permission.
Stop reading for a moment, close your eyes, and try to remember . . . when did you, without question, become a “man?”
When was that moment in time when you knew, for sure and without doubt, you were now a certified “man?” When did you irrevocably cross the line from boyhood to manhood, accept adult male responsibilities, and thereafter were seen and treated as a man in the eyes of your family, peers, and community?
When I asked this question of men as part of the research for the Man-Making book, some men said it was when they got a license to drive, cast their first vote, or had sex for the first time. Other men said, “when I went into the service,” “when I had a child,” or “when I got a gun(gang member).” There were a few men who experienced rites of passage in their religious community, in scouting or in a gang. But by far the most common response to that question was, “I’m not sure I am a “man” today!” Most men said they had never definitively crossed a clear or obvious line into manhood and remained uncertain men today.
When I say “uncertain men,” I mean these guys were fully functional males in the world today, but they were confused about what attributes define a mature and fully realized man in their society. They were uncertain about the criteria for becoming a man, the achievement path to that goal, if there is one, and not at all clear about how or who will ultimately bestow the blessing of one day having become “a real man.”
. . . what attributes define a mature and fully realized man . . .
If uncertainty is a theme for men, consider how hard/impossible it is for adolescent males, without good men around them, to ever feel they been set on a positive path toward a solid manhood. They are being propelled toward manhood by testosterone, a hormone drives them to action, intensity, sexual expression, and the need to constantly test and prove themselves in some way. Without guidance, these natural expressions of young male energy, combined with an underdeveloped capacity for thinking through the consequences of their choices, all too often have terribly tragic consequences. It’s why I say we don’t so much have a violence problem in our communities, but an epidemic of under-male-nourished boys.
Ancient rites of passage, perfected over thousands of years, were exquisitely designed to get the attention of young males and help them shape their mature masculine identity. Sadly, positive passage experiences for males are hard to come by today, and too many males are left to wander in that never-never land between boyhood and manhood.
Because I believe in intentional man-making, I feel it’s critical to acknowledge a young male’s passage from the world of boyish things into young adulthood. One of the ways I do that is to work with groups of men who are initiating adolescent males in rite of passage experiences. This work clearly sets boys on a positive journey toward manhood, and lets them know they are supported by men. The second reason for these events is to offer an experience in which men can discover they are indeed hardwired for this work. By initiating young males, men can find answers to some of their lingering questions about what constitutes “a real man.” I’ll continue to write about this in future posts.
From my research and experiences, I’ve learned that male rite of passage events, wherever they occur, have some common and important elements. Remember, this template has emerged from thousands of years of man-making experience from cultures across the globe. VERY simply and generally stated, here is a short list:
- A dramatic departure from the women, children, and elders.
- Travel to an unknown (to the initiates) place in a natural setting.
- Arrival in a special men-only location.
- Learning to be accountable to and take direction from the men.
- Deprivation, trials, and testing.
- Acquiring knowledge and masculine skills.
- Serious talk from adult men and respected elders about the responsibilities that define a man.
- Rituals in many aspects of the experience.
- Fires, drumming, and often some expression of wildman energy.
- Being given a new name, bodily markings, clothing, talismans, or tools for the men’s world.
- Experiencing a moment in time when you have become, are acknowledged and honored by the men and elders as, a new man.
- With ceremony, ritual, and often feasting, returning to your community and being again celebrated for your new identity.
Just below is a video giving us a look at a day out of a month-long male rite of passage experience from the Palambi Tribe in Papau New Guinea. This not-so-ancient event was filmed in 2007. Read through the list above once more, and then see if you can find those elements in this Palambi passage experience.
If the clip doesn’t show up, use this link.
Clearly this example doesn’t fit the world most of us inhabit. But it was most likely built on a few hundred years experience with man-making. In 2007, after their month of training and preparation, on returning to their village, these initiates will have no question they have crossed a line into manhood, and that’s quite the gift.
If you want to learn how to create a culturally relevant and contemporary rite of passage experience for the boys in your world, give me a shout. I’m happy to be a guide to help create the experience. Along the way, I’ll help you and your men friends discover you really are hardwired for this work.
About Earl Hipp
So masculinity is a social construct defined by society – and if you take the obverse that means the same folds of femininity. One wonders then, why men are being increasingly excluded from the dialogue on what Masculinity is? There does seem to be a preponderance and ongoing bias (especially in the media) in certain gendered voices being party to that Dialogue and what it is all about.
I don’t see how taking a bunch of guys off in the the wilderness for the weekend can add to that dialogue. It can add to stereotypes and even stereotypical behaviour, but I’m not sure that the boondocks is the correct venue for the dialogue.
If all that is needed to definitively cross a clear or obvious line into manhood is some form of ceremony – some right of passage – where is the equivalent that makes a Girl into a Real Women? Where are the Feminine Stereotypical Right of Passage discussions and advocates?
But by far the most common response to that question was, “I’m not sure I am a “man” today!” Most men said they had never definitively crossed a clear or obvious line into manhood and remained uncertain men today.
When I say “uncertain men,” I mean these guys were fully functional males in the world today, but they were confused about what attributes define a mature and fully realized man in their society.
Mature? Why is that a factor? Fully realised? In who’s eyes and by who’s definitions?
It’s a social issue and not just a male issue. I encounter many men in their 20′s, 30′s and 40′s who are not sure what it is to be a man – and how to define themselves. When you delve you find some common factors – and the main one has been that they were defined from childhood in a parents image, and not as a person in their own right. They ended up acting out the behaviours and roles which kept mom and/or dad happy and they never had the opportunity to define themselves – their own interests – their own abilities – their own life. That pattern has become ingrained and continues into adulthood – it’s the old demon of “External Validation”.
I also keep finding women in the exact same situation too – and if you look historically it’s been an ongoing issue recorded historically centuries.
Maybe it’s time to throw away the stereotypes of standing against social change and embrace them?
To respond to some of your points, MediaHound:
As the author notes, it’s traditional to take boys away from the comforts of home for a rite of passage. “The boondocks” is a great place to “get away.” Even if you live in a boondock, there’s always another, some uncomfortable distance away….
My own son is in basic training right now. Classic example. Extremely limited contact with his family, deprivation, skills transfer. He sought it out for himself. Other men will seek out other ways to do it. One advantage of a pluralistic society like my own is that we can actively do this: find rituals, make new ones, change them to meet our needs.
One article can’t address all of your concerns and one author can’t be responsible for what you see as a men being edged out of a discussion on masculinity, particularly when the author—a man—is actively writing about the subject, and leading men into mentorship and full adult manhood. You clearly have some of your own answers about what causes prolonged childhood, and I invite you to write about them from your perspective. My email address is justin@goodmenproject.com and I look forward to your submission.
Justin – as I have said , I do find this whole Rights Of Passage idea “Odd”.
I know it can be traced back to “The Mythopoetic Men’s Movement” (Now Defunct) and the mythology around archetypes of Hunter, Warrior, Mystic and supposedly Incredible Lover (Multiple Orgasm Guaranteed) – and the ideas of some in the field of Sociology and Ethnography. But, in so many ways it’s a nonsensical debate. It even gets mixed up with the whole Modern Primitive meme and people attempting to be “Authentic” and real whilst painting body parts blue and running around naked because it’s Imbolc and they are in a pagan mood. (I have so many friends like that – the parties are a hoot and the food is great P^)
I keep reading about the demise of Men In America and how in some way new rights of passage – ceremony – new ways to mark a transition will in some way cure all social ills being attributed to men, and afflicting men – the supposed demise of men – the infantilization of men – the demasculinization of men.
Some reference urban gang culture and imply that they have an inoculation that will solve this supposed international issue. They talk of it as if it is an emergent phenomena within living memory, and yet miss the point that it was even present in a Harbour in Boston, and the guys and gals were not sipping tea in a refined manner, with pinky out stretched.
I read examples which come from primitive cultures where a social group is measured in as little as 20 people. Transposing that into modern urban mega cities is a bit like attempting to equate basic agronomy skills with pushing a cart at Walmart (Other retail outlets also exist). It’s not even apples and oranges – it’s stone tools Vs micro chips. I’d love to see a right of passage, felling a red wood with an iPad!
I wonder how the USA has ever survived? When the Mayflower landed what was the male focused ceremony that stood in for the right of passage – and then when some uppity colonists went their own way in 1776, what was the right of passage they invoked for all men, and at what age? It’s missing from The Declaration of Independence, so evidently Jefferson et al thought it was so obvious and universal it just didn’t need to be mentioned. I’d love to know what was the right of passage that they all shared – promoting them to be so insubordinate to the crown? “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness…. and a Right Of Passage Ceremony”?
What were the supposed rights of passage in 1912 or 1938, to pick just two arbitrary years?
When exactly did the male right of passage vanish for US Culture, and when and where was the last event held? … links to contemporary news coverage would be helpful. P^) … some media savvy type must have noticed, even in pre-blog a pre-google times.
There seems to be this harking back to a lost golden age, which seems to have either become so lost it will never been found, or the gold was melted down and made into bullion and shipped off shore for tax purposes – probably in the 1960′s. I blame Nixon!
I have encountered many young people sent of the supposed modern right of passage called “The Gap Year” – sent out internationally to travel and survive and return home a supposed adult. The whole idea, which became high vogue in the 1990′s, was built upon travellers tales which sold like hot cakes. So many set off to see the world and they partied in Europe, then Thailand – on to Bali – partied all over Australia and then some even managed to party all over South America (Depending on ticketing options) before returning home to Ma and Pa. Most also managed to fornicate globally as they partied too! Shares in manufactures of prophylactics soared.
The issue is not the partying (or fornicating – I would never object to that P^ ), but that as in all matters some saw how to make money off an emerging industry of Gap Years, and how to take advantage. The Romantic Books of how people had set off and travelled – lived and seen the world were undermined by the intent of the new travellers. The Romance of a Dollar A Day was long gone, along with that reality or travel, broadening minds, real world experience and growing thorough that experience. When Starbucks opened in Phnom Penh, many agreed that the goose that laid the golden eggs was well and truly broiled.
One relative buggered off on a global sojourn back in the late 1970′s. She worked her way around the globe, having qualified as a nurse and flogged her car to finance the first part of her trip. A few years ago she went back to Malaysia and made the wry observation. When she was there first she had to barter for a bed and she did not speak the Lingo.
Now, where ever she looked there were signs advertising bed rates in dollars and signs, often in broken Engrish (and other languages thanks to the glories of google translate) that removed the barrier and responsibility of communicating with the natives. She likened it to any International Air Terminal – fast transit – destination unknown – Judged on the quality of Signage, and the ability to get from point a to z as quickly as possible the the minimal of human interaction – alla Cost Benefit Analysis, Business Class. Locals were shocked that she knew how to say “please” and “thank you” in their own language.
I wonder why this idea and ideal of Rights of Passage is so prominent in the psyche of some? I keep looking for equivalent modern rights of passage in other countries – and calls for them to be created and invoked. I’ve looked at China, India, all of Europe and South America, and the issue is absent. It does get raised, but primarily as a response to US Writers on the subject, and then everyone goes back to dealing with everyday life. For a great many, the right of passage is surviving to reach adulthood, or 18 years of age – which ever comes first.
There is no doubt that masculine roles have changed, on a global basis, in the last 100 years, and in the present global economic shifts there are very real issues. Oddly, those issues impact all societies, independent of chromosomes.
Here in the UK there is a housing shortage and due to economics that means many young people are obliged to live with Ma and Pa whilst they fight to gain work and income to be able to afford even basic housing. In many parts of the country there is such a housing shortage that you will have to wait until you are 25+ before you can afford anything – rental or purchase. I have neighbours with three 28+ children at home, and we speak of the issues often – all 6 of us! Me, 2 parents, 2 daughters and 1 son.
There is an interesting contrast with this to the UK. Here it as acknowledged that this impact is upon both male and females – and yet when I read about the USA it’s always talked about as Grown Male Infants who are still living at home, Child demasculinized men – and it seems that all female children are somehow or other missing from events – living independently in some unknown place, like Kansas: over the rainbow. Do female American’s get preferential rents and mortgages below market values? Do they get indexed linked rates that are gender skewed? Do they all have ruby slippers?
There is a double standard when there is a supposed crisis in the masculine and the feminine simply does not factor. They are both relative social constructs.
I have no doubt that for some the loss of primacy, and elevation of others, in the American Culture may be causing angst to some – and for those folks they can go to the Boondocks and be primitive and seek out and create rights. But, I do have concerns that their views and ideas are for the Minority and not about the true social issue and impacts that will not be put right with a primitive mind set on a global basis.
Mythopoetic men’s movement has this ideal that men are in some way primitive, and that men need to be isolated to be emotional as man. I don’t agree, and I have learned as a man that I have the right to be emotional just as I am, where ever I am. I also extend that right to all others – in my home, on the phone, in a bar, pruning hedges in the garden – or even out in the boondocks. I take men as I find them and where ever they happen to be. For me integrity comes before venue or mysticism. As many still comment, I’m so queer! P^)
I remain surprised that so often I encounter men who believe that they have no rights to be emotional, just as they are. In many ways, I live in the boondocks from choice ( I do love the peace and quiet and the gardening is far better due to the Gulf Stream and sub tropical climate – passing trade and fornication is lower, but you can’t have everything), and many people come to stay as a place of recovery and quiet. Poor misguided fools!
Actually, they mainly come and frequently return because it’s a place where I don’t give a damn and they can be 100% themselves, just as I am 100% myself, what ever the moment may be. Maybe that is the right of passage that needs to be addressed – 100% in the moment, just as you are. Stereotypes/Archetypes optional?
Anyway, I have to go to bed. I have an unruly Lychee that needs pruning in the morning, and a neurotic house guest who is not sure if he can man up to wielding the loppers and bringing it under control. He can get with the program, or go without lunch! I have heard that the best way to man’s solar plexus (in the region of the stomach) is by food! I’m assured from generations of female mystical passing out ceremonies this is a universal fact. Lop it off the right way, or it’s no Focaccia butties with fresh basil, mozzarella, tomatoes for you! Toasted or otherwise.
PS – my lopper wielding, Lychee eviscerating, house guest is presently urinating on the couch (Settee) at me writing this response. He’s so primitive – poor luv! What can I do with him – he’s so unrefined in an emotional way – and as a none military type, he has never had a passing out ceremony, or Right of Passage. What can one do with them? P^)
I don’t see why there needs to be a rite of passage period. I don’t know of any women who feel like they need a rite of passage–and I’m tired of the argument that our periods are our passage into womanhood. If this were true, my family would have given me a fanfare, but I can assure you the days girls get their periods, they’re just given pads, tampons, and whatever essentials, but no dramatic rites of passage this article seems to advocate for boys.
Maybe it’s just me, but I see no one writing about women needing external validation that we’re women. Apparently we don’t. Apparently men are the only ones who need that external validation, and this is something I’m not wrapping my mind around. Why the need?
Finally, copy/paste MediaHound’s post because I agree with everything.
It’s true that this isn’t a strictly gendered experience, as the two posters above me have pointed out. But the author isn’t comparing men to women here. If anything, he’s comparing today’s men to men of decades past, or modern Americanized/Westernized men to tribal societies that still observe masculine rituals.
Whether or not women have such rites, or whether or not women need them, is sort of beside the point and has little bearing on whether or not men have/need them. And women should resist the urge to scoff or mock the idea of a male rite of passage; that helps no one.
The uncertainty of the transition into adulthood is felt by both sexes, for sure. As a Gen-Y female approaching my 25th birthday, I’ve felt it myself and witnessed it in my peers. But there are two paths to adulthood, the male path and the female path. They have many basic similarities but they run parallel; they do not intersect or merge. A woman cannot know what it means to become a man, nor can a man know what it is like to become a woman.
And to extend that metaphor, I think what the author is saying here is that without a clear gateway or marker between the Path and the Destination (destination being Adulthood), men are getting lost, they’re walking in circles, they’re stalling…they lose forward momentum. This is something society needs to address, regardless of whether women experience the same thing.
The work the author is doing to create rites of passage for boys/men is good, constructive, helpful work. Thank you, Mr. Hipp, for recognizing and responding to a need.
But there are two paths to adulthood, the male path and the female path. They have many basic similarities but they run parallel; they do not intersect or merge. A woman cannot know what it means to become a man, nor can a man know what it is like to become a woman.
It just be me, being so old that I must be generation Alpha and a personal acquaintance of Methuselah, but why is it that people have to grow up to be Men or Women?
Can’t they just grow up to be Adult?
The gender stereotypes and cultural/social fixation on gender, gender roles and dimorphism is at time breathtaking. The Divorce rate may be high, but I’m amazed at how wedded some are to the Two Party Politics! P^)
“It just be me, being so old that I must be generation Alpha and a personal acquaintance of Methuselah, but why is it that people have to grow up to be Men or Women?
Can’t they just grow up to be Adult?”
Perhaps because people have grown up to be men or women since, oh, the beginning of the human race. As a matter of fact, I (and no doubt most of the guys here) happen to like being a man. While there are some drawbacks as a whole I like my gender and my gender role. As for the rite of passage, I went through my own when I did recruit training in the army. While I didn’t join for that purpose, many years after going through it I realised just how much it affected me and how thankful I am for the experience. Those that trivialise it as “just a ceremony” are doing nothing more than showing their shortsightedness and lack of understanding.
All,
On trip to Europe w/bad net connection… quickly… on male rite of passage we do not make “men” but (very simply put) bring young males questions about the man they want to become (including GLBTQ) males. We then surround and support them in making commitments to their choices, and honor and celebrate this crossing time in their lives. At the end of the experience they get the title “Journeyman.” Identifying them as a young man intentionally set on a path toward manhood. Even done imperfectly, this is FAR better then the abandonment too many young males experience today..
I believe young women would powerfully benefit from a similar experience. I believe that is women’s work.