14-year-old Jared Karol didn’t understand when his father told him he was gay. Now grown up, he hopes his own children won’t go through the same thing.
My father told me he was gay when I was 14 years old and it changed my life forever.
I lived in San Diego with my mom. My dad lived in San Francisco. I hadn’t known that I had known any gay people until that point in my life. No one had bothered to expose me to any positive information about gay people. No one shared gay history with me or read any books about gay people to me.
When I was growing up, homosexuality was something you just didn’t talk about. The exception was when my friends and I didn’t like something and would exclaim, “That’s so gay!” Discovering my dad was gay at the age when every boy is most homophobic wasn’t easy. I was forced to decide if being gay was bad or good. Not an easy question for a 14-year-old boy with no accessible resources for answers. And the fact that I framed my dilemma in such black and white terms was indicative of the environment I was in at the time.
It didn’t have to be that way though. Information didn’t have to be withheld from me. I didn’t have to be kept ignorant of the world. Contrary to the popular cliché, ignorance is not bliss. But ignorance is powerful. The power of ignorance breeds fear, and the power of fear can dictate one’s viewpoints and shape one’s belief systems.
It took me many, many years to figure out I didn’t want fear and ignorance shaping my belief systems. And as for fear and ignorance being at the root of my kids’ belief systems? That’s not really an option.
My kids never met their grandpa. He died almost 10 years before they were born. I sometimes wonder what their relationships would have been like. I think about the positive influences my dad would have had on my kids, as they begin to form and shape their own beliefs about the world. Not just because he was gay, but being gay contributed to how he saw the world around him, how he treated people, and what he stood for.
While my kids will never be influenced directly from their grandpa, they will feel his indirect influence through me.
♦◊♦
My personal journey to accept my dad’s homosexuality is a topic for another post (or twenty). Not only did I come to accept my dad was gay, I openly celebrate it and actively embrace it. My views of the world are largely shaped by what I learned from my dad, the experiences that he shared with me, and the experiences we shared together.
Two-year olds are sponges, soaking up whatever they see and hear. When the sponge is wrung out, their language, behavior, and attitudes are what emerge. My kids are learning everyday from a variety of sources, and while I cannot monitor and control all the sources of information that cross their path, I can and will play a major role in the dissemination of information they receive.
♦◊♦
I sit in the big comfy chair with one of my kids on either side of me. We are reading, as we often do. I flip through the pages of Daddy, Papa and Me by Leslea Newman, and as I read the words, my kids give commentary: “Two daddies! Boy has two daddies! Daddy help paint. Papa play catch.” In the pile of books on the table waiting to be read are Mommy, Mama and Me by the same author, and several Todd Parr books about different types of families. They know all these books and they love them all.
My kids don’t know their grandpa. They don’t know that he was gay. They don’t even know what gay means because no one has told them. There will come a time, well before they’re 14, when they will know what being gay means. But now, at their age, it is not that time.
What is important and relevant for them is the truth.
And that is some families have two daddies. Others two mommies. Some families only have one parent, some families are the same color, some families are a different color. This is not gay propaganda or a gay agenda, and this is not liberalism. This is an honest and open approach to instill an appreciation for the different types of families they will see on a regular basis as they grow up.
By celebrating these truths, I am giving my kids a foundation on which they can build a more sophisticated understanding of the world as they grow older. The kids I raise will not be ignorant, and they will not be fearful. The kids I raise will be powerful. And their power will emerge from knowledge and appreciation and love.
And that, my friends, is so not gay.
—Photo Paul W. Frields/Flickr
About Jared Karol
A powerful blog post written with sensitivity.
thanks, Jane. I’m you glad you found it both powerful and sensitive. I guess I succeeded!
Amazing post Jared. Thanks for sharing it.
You’re welcome, Ali. Thanks for reading.
What a beautiful tribute to your father, to look back with affection, and translate that for your growing children. Instilling a sense of value for all people, and combatting ignorance, will give your kids a boost in life.
Thanks so much, Jay, for your nice words. Yes, that is precisely what I’m trying to do–translate what I learned from my dad for my children. I can only hope and trust that it’s working. . .
You did a great job, Jared. I don’t even have words for how proud your dad is.
Well said. Very well said.
Thanks, Anissa. Yes, I think he is proud. I have to represent him as best I can to my kids, you know? Thanks for reading!
“But now, at their age, it is not that time.
What is important and relevant for them is the truth.”
You are very wise, Jared. There is a difference between facts and truth, and very often facts can get in the way fo truth for kids. I had a long argument with a friend over this – he thought there was sometrhing wrong with me not sitting my son (11 years old) and explaining all about being gay to him. For one thing he could not understand how a clear explanation of things can absolutely shut someone down if it’s the wrong time.
None of it mattered; I was hardly going to base a decision like that on the opinion of a friend.
Jim, I like your distinction between facts and the truth. Unfortunately, for me, my parents chose not to tell me either. And, yes, YOU are wise to not base your decision on the opinion of a friend. We have to make our own decisions on important matters like this. Thanks for taking the time to read and comment.
In general kids need to learn how facts can be manipulated in untruth. They are surrounded by it.
That friend was pretty doctrinaire about things and I never trusted his judgment much anyway.
And thanks for this article. So much written about gay experince is 1) about young twinks as if they are all that exist and 2) erases all the straight people in gay people’s lives. ths wasa good corrective.
Yes, Jim, right again, about facts being manipulated for untruth. That’s what makes it so easy in a way. There are so many truths out there that we will never be able to expose our children to them all, so we (I) decide on which ones are most important to us and our kids’ well being.
And, yes, as a straight man I am aware that I don’t have to care about any of this. I could easily say that it doesn’t affect me, and leave at that, and walk away. But I choose not to, actively! I’m glad to be part of the corrective!
Lovely. Thank you.
You’re welcome. I’m glad you enjoyed it.
Wow. Well done, Jared.
Thank you, Britt.
The fact that people think teaching others about different lifestyles is propaganda or an agenda sends my mind reeling. I think it is awesome that you are teaching your kids these things. Thank you for this post, and for saying what should be obvious to everyone but isn’t: there are many different families.
I know, it is crazy when you think about it. What seems so obvious and easy to many of us is unacceptable to many others. It stems from fear and ignorance of course. All I can do is expose my children to what I feel is right, and hope that others will do the same. I’m glad your are in agreement.
Excellent post, well written and something for all parents to aspire to when dealing with the differences in families and relationships and how to explain it to our children. Thank you.
Thank you, Andy. I hope all parents do aspire to educate their children this way. In my humble opinion, it most definitely would be best.
Great piece, Jared! I can only imagine how tough that must have been. I also wish there had been some alternative to institutionalized homophobia when we were kids. I was as homophobic as anyone when I was a teenager, even though in other ways I fancied myself an iconoclast. There’s no way our kids will grow up homophobic, but it makes you wonder what kind of prejudices we’re perpetuating now without recognizing it.
Beta Dad, you make some excellent points. I think “institutionalized homophobia” is dead on. Sometimes in my writings about this topic I come across as blaming my parents for not telling me (including my dad), but, really, what could they have done given the atmosphere and the times? And if I had known earlier on, would it have mattered? Hard to know.
And, yes, what kind of prejudices we are perpetuating will show themselves down the line, for sure. I just hope we and future generations are clever enough to right those wrongs that we create.
strong, Jared. very strong. the sentiment, the writing, the philosophy, and the journey.
Thanks, John. Coming from an established writer like yourself, that means a lot to me.
Jared,
I really enjoyed this work and would love to share it with others on OutMaturity.com. Let me know if you would like to collaborate as this is a story that I think should be shared?
All the best!
Michael
OutMaturity