In his latest tongue-in-cheek post, Ryan Björklund offers suggestions for click-worthy Good Men Project articles that will never, ever be written.
While there certainly are some really great motion pictures out there, not all of them exist for the purpose of jerking tears. Tear-jerking is often done at home, when you are feeling lonesome and eager for Jergens-love. Although some movies can turn me into a big, cisgendered, sniveling man-baby, I promise that I have never in my life punctured a hole in the bottom of a tub of popcorn. Never.
Not even once.
Can I get a #Witness?
So instead of writing the list described in the title, I’ve decided to pitch some cool GMP article ideas. Here are a bunch of titles you’d certainly click on that will never, ever exist.
“What Happens When We Don’t Teach Our Sons About Receiving A Blowjob Respectfully?”
“25 Rules For Moms With Uncircumcised Sons With Lap Dance Anxiety”
“25 Things I Wish I’d Taught My Daughter Before She Went and Founded a Website Dedicated to Giving Respectful Blowjobs (#1: She Should’ve Incorporated in Delaware)”
“25 Things I’d Like My Sons To Know About Crazy, Career-Driven Women (#1: If You’re a MGOTW, This Is Probably Your Best Bet For a Free Ride!)”
“10 Things I Learned From Having Two Stay-At-Home Dads Blow-Drying My Hair (Post Sponsored by Mane n’ Tail Shampoo)”
“10 Ways A Stay-At-Home Dad Can Spank His Kids Without Getting Laid Low Like Jerry Sandusky”
“We’ve Written So Many Articles About Jerry Sandusky That We Ought To Be Paying Him Royalties!”
“Army Hazing: A Fun, Do-It-Yourself Guide!”
“Steve Jobs Comes Out Of Closet In Suicide Note We Just Made Up: Should I Buy the iPhone 5? (Post Sponsored by Apple)”
“Obama Butt-plug: A Patriotic Product Review”
“In Praise of the Micropenis”
“Learning to Accept Your Micropenis”
“10 Ways To Grow Your Micropenis”
“10 Ways To Grow Your Micropenis That Are Less Painful Than the Ways Suggested in the Previous List”
“10 Reasons To Stay At Home, Dad”
“Oh Shit, My Life Is Over: A Guide to Chatroom Etiquette That Will Keep You From Ever Meeting Up With Dateline’s Chris Hansen”
“How Much Estrogen Does A Man Need?”
“Men! 10 Fun Ways To Boost Your Estrogen!”
“10 Foods That Make Anal Sex Fun (Post Sponsored by Nutella)”
“10 Yummy Ways To Celebrate Fat Acceptance (Post Sponsored by Nutella)”
“Fat Acceptance vs. Veganism vs. Going On A Hunger Strike To Protest Occupy Wall Street. Can A Man Have It All? (Post Sponsored by Nutella)”
“How Can I Tell If My Five-Year-Old is a Good Man?”
“Mitt Romney’s Transgender, Millionaire Cousin Speaks Out (Teaser: He’s in the 47%!)!”
“10 Things I Wish They Told Me About Pegging Before the Leakage Started”
“Help Needed: I Think My Son’s Best Friend is a Misogynist!”
“10 Reasons I Hate Segways (Post Sponsored by Vespa Scooters)”
“10 Reasons Why Writing Is So0o ”
“22 Catchy Titles GMP Readers Would Click On (Note: Includes Picture of Olympic Women’s Volleyball Players’ Butts)”