Jim Jividen loves Bravo almost as much as he loves the NFL Draft. Now he’s found a way to combine the two.
I enjoy the NFL Draft – I’ve got Kiper’s blue book, the Ourlad’s guide, and the Top 100 Big Boards for Rang and Mayock. You want to know why Bjoern Werner projects as a left defensive end in a 4-3, I got you.
I enjoy Bravo. I know the easy stuff, like to whom “close your legs to married men” was said, but can also play some deep cuts. Who was the best cast member from NYC Prep? What didn’t ever get sold at End of the Century on Gallery Girls? I got you. My Bravocabulary game is tight. That sounds like a good game, actually. Call Parker Brothers.
So let’s put those things together. Mock Draft!
1 Kansas City – This isn’t a draft with an Andrew Luck who you’d deal your whole board to pick; this isn’t a draft with an Orlando Pace or a Jonathan Ogden, a can’t miss franchise saving left tackle – so the Chiefs pick the one can’t miss superstar, Nene Leakes, bringing swagger and catchphrases with her to middle America. With two network roles and about to add a second Bravo show – Nene’s going to be a Trump Check cashing, sack dancing, scenery chewing machine. Plus, her oldest son was once arrested for bringing pot into a police station. Bloop! Plonk!
2 Jacksonville – A colorless town (with an unsettling burnt armpit odor) picks a colorless player (who is also weirdly odorless, the carbon monoxide of offensive linemen, he recently contributed to the deaths of half the cast of MTV’s Washington Heights) Luke Joeckel T Texas A&M
3 Oakland – It was Al Davis’s last wish, someone to return that renegade, swashbuckling, outside the law glory to Oakland. That person – the table flipper and recipe thief – Teresa Giudice. She brings along her husband Joe, who posed as his brother for a fake driver’s license, as they take their outlaw act to the East Bay. The Autumn Wind is a Raider. Pillaging just for fun.
4 Philadelphia – Chip Kelly comes from Oregon and he’s bringing one of his own, no, not Toni and Candace, co-owners of Women and Women First, that’s on IFC, but instead his pass rusher, Dion Jordan OLB Oregon.
5 Detroit – 50 years ago Detroit had the highest per capita income in the country; in 2009 the Silverdome sold for half a million bucks. This is a town in need of a hero. That hero – Shahs of Sunset star Reza Farahan, who referred to his best friend of two decades MJ as having been “double stuffed by some Jewish cousins.” Perhaps it is an overture to Michigan’s healthy Middle Eastern population, and the pick becomes controversial when Reza refers to Lions QB Matt Stafford as a “yummy white ho.”
6 Cleveland – the Browns get their best cornerback pairing since Frank Minniefield/Hanford Dixon by giving Joe Haden a partner – Dee Milliner CB Alabama.
7 Arizona – I spent two weeks there last summer and there is nothing hotter than Phoenix. Except Padma Lakshmi, who the Cardinals absolutely steal with the 7th pick.
8 Buffalo – The Bills head into the season with Kevin Kolb as their starting quarterback; they end it with Geno Smith QB West Virginia.
9 New York Jets – Desperate for a pass rush, the Jets get the best edge man in the draft, Barkevious Mingo OLB LSU.
10 Tennessee – Music City USA has its pick of the full Bravo canon, from “Tardy for the Party” to “Money Can’t Buy You Class” (or my favorite, Miss Lawrence’s “Closet Freak”) – the pick is the singer of “On Display”, Melissa Gorga, whose husband Joe’s comfort with women’s wear could probably get her booked at Tribe.
11 San Diego – before Philip Rivers gets killed the Chargers get the best tackle on the board, Eric Fisher T Central Michigan.
12 Miami – the median age of the town still drops .25 years with the somewhat unexpected selection of Inside the Actor’s Studio host James Lipton. And now, from the questionnaire developed by the legendary Bernard Pivot, Jim – What is your favorite word…suplex. My favorite word is suplex.
13 New York Jets – You don’t deal Darrelle Revis unless it’s for a tattoo worthy of Rex Ryan’s other arm. In the spirit of Mike Mamula, the Jets pick a combine hero; one of the all time Height/Weight/Speed guys who has all the measurables: Atlanta based male stripper Ridiculous. Dude’s gonna need a bigger cap.
14 Carolina –the value on the board is in the interior of the defensive line, the Panthers leap at Sharrif Floyd, to whom Chris Berman has presumably already given the obvious musical nickname.
15 New Orleans – the Saints year in football jail comes to an end, they want to spend this pick on someone who is above the fray, beyond reproach – and that’s Lisa Vanderpump. Jiggy becomes the toast of the French Quarter but is viewed as bougie by residents of Treme.
16 St. Louis – the Rams have been faceless since the end of the Greatest Show on Turf when Kurt Warner resumed his previous life bagging groceries and Mike Martz passed away mumbling “the horror, the horror”. Andy Cohen returns to his hometown to become that face, serving both an on field and front office roles. Wednesday becomes Shotski night in the Ram locker room.
17 Pittsburgh – the top defensive end is still on the board and the Steelers need to replenish that edge rush. Ezekial Ansah DE BYU.
18 Dallas – other than the American Family Association, there aren’t too many organizations I dislike more than the Cowboys; my least favorite Bravolebrity is Millionaire Matchmaker Patti Stanger. Here’s hoping they can’t turn the card in fast enough. I enjoy it when people I dislike align in some fashion; if Nancy Grace married my freshman year forensics coach, I’d put the wedding announcement on my fridge.
19 New York Giants – there remain 3 premium offensive linemen on the board, give New York the best tackle left Lane Johnson T Oklahoma.
20 Chicago – the Bears are dying for a guard; there are two elite interior linemen in the draft and both remain in this spot – Chance Warmack G Alabama.
21 Cincinnati – what are the two things we know about the Bengals? 1. They could use an influx of cash 2. They aren’t afraid to draft players whose characters come into question. The pick is Adrienne Maloof; she brings some casino money and a sleazy veneer. Chef Bernie and Rod Stewart’s son come along for a dysfunctional entourage.
22 St. Louis (from Washington) – the best receiver in the country is still available here, Travon Austin WR West Virginia.
23 Minnesota – the Vikings have lost 4 Super Bowls; Tom Colicchio has won 5 James Beard Awards; you need to start changing the culture in Minneapolis. He’s the pick.
24 Indianapolis – there is some reason to believe that Colts owner Jim Irsay is batshit crazy, or at least, enjoys a little drinky drink every now and again. That’s a good description of Sonia Morgan, who brings her interns and toaster ovens to the Midwest.
25 Minnesota (from Seattle) – They thing they’re drafting Mike Singletary; personally, I think the Vikes are about to get Catfished, but they’re taking Manti Te’o ILB Notre Dame
26 Green Bay – Kenny Vaccaro S Texas is still on the board for the safety hungry Pack.
27 Houston – The Texans are close, filled with really talented players on both sides of the ball, but Matt Schaub, even though he’s not a bad QB, just isn’t field general enough to lead this team to the Super Bowl. You know who is? Jeff Lewis – he’ll feed Andre Johnson and fill the writers’ notebooks. If he and Jenni Pulos can stay out of protracted litigation, this is the pick that puts the Texans over the top.
28 Denver – Elvis (Dumervill) has left the building, the Broncos get the best lineman on the board, Star Lotulelei DT Utah.
29 New England – Bill Belichik does what he wants. And what he wants is to hand out with Vicki Gunvalson’s Maybe Boyfriend Brooks. “I don’t care what Tamra says, Brooks is the Bomb Dot Com.”
30 Atlanta – The first Husband/Wife combo on the same NFL team since the secret Ken Anderson/Pete Johnson elopement in 1981 – the Falcons draft defensive lineman Kroy Beerman’s wife (why? Why did he do this?) Kim Zolciak.
31 San Francisco – Sure, as someone who watches every Niners game I could give us Brandi Glanville, just for the Oscar dress alone – but our need for a safety wins out with the pick of Jonathan Cyprien S FIU.
32 Baltimore – the Ravens look for doubles in the first round, someone safe with a good track record and a high motor. Plus, we’re reminded by GM Ozzie Newsome, “Girl wrote No Scrubs!” Kandi Burruss.