“Explanations were unnecessary. Those fake tits would do the talking for her.”
Camden Camden couldn’t stop staring at her new C-cup breasts. The breasts were an early Christmas present from helicopter parents who worried that Camden would suicide herself if her self-image didn’t improve.
“Don’t I look amazing?” she asked her friend Emily Twiggs.
Emily Twiggs, who was much thicker than Camden and thus already in possession of large breasts, racked her brain for an appropriately enthusiastic-sounding response. “Yes, they’re so natural,” she said.
The breasts weren’t the least bit natural in appearance, though. They were two enormous globes that had sprung sui generis from Camden’s disgustingly narrow and concave chest. “They’re everything I’ve ever wanted,” Camden said, cupping the breasts with her skeletal fingers and pushing them even higher.
Although Emily lacked her friend’s socially-sanctioned “perfect” appearance—whatever that meant—she thought herself possessed of far greater ambitions. She wanted a husband, children, IKEA shelving, a McMansion financed with an interest-only mortgage, and all of the other accoutrements of superficial maturity that were disdained and sometimes even anathematized by self-absorbed souls like Camden. “I’m glad you’re happy, Cammy,” she said.
Camden Camden’s gaze remained fixed on the décolletage of her v-neck top. “I can’t believe it’s really happening to me, Em. But what should I tell people? Should I say it’s because of a growth spurt? Vitamins? The pill?”
Emily thought that such explanations were unnecessary. Those breasts would do the talking for her. Jutting out at everyone Camden Camden met, they would announce that she was an insecure person, a sad person, a tragic person. “You just say what you feel is right,” she said.
Like what you just read? Read more from The Moustache Club of America!
More by Oliver Lee Bateman:
How to Write a Short Story So Gr8 It’s Gr9!
Five Things That Should Never Be Mentioned in a Political Campaign
Impossibly Awkward Conversation
More by our other authors:
Reasons I Have Rejected Guys Based on Their OKCupid Profiles
The First Gay Divorce in Our State
10 Movies That Will Absolutely, Positively Make a Man Cry
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About Oliver Lee Bateman
There is so much wrong with this, I don’t even know where to begin. Luckily body shaming is SO last Wednesday, so I can cut you out as not being with it.
It’s very handy for a woman that she can fill the void of a lacking actual personality with two new ones; a left one and a right one…
Personally I would never choose substitutes…
For any woman who wants to get implants, you better read this: http://www.myimplantstory.com/index.html
Furthermore, the vast majority of men like real boobs. Be it uneven, small/flat, big, most men don’t care!!
http://members.lovingyou.com/poll.php?s=6925fc73022c3643bec469f79a998b3d&action=showresults&pollid=990
Perhaps, one day, the feminist mystics that inspect this site will condescend to the rest of us and share their arcane wisdom and perfect hermeneutic stance. Until that day, I suppose I’ll be left wondering how they do it.
Luckily for the rest of us, reading something only superficially and deeming it ‘anti-woman’ is pretty last Tuesday. Didn’t you get the memo?
You know it’s the right thing for you when you can just feel free to tell people the truth instead of making up excuses.
“I had them done because I didn’t like the way that they looked, and now I do.” That would be an explanation that would be hard to argue with. It’s very disarming when people like Joan Rivers just say, “yeah, I’ve had a lot of work done. It’s my body. Deal with it.” Cher is fond of saying that it’s her boobs, no one else’s, and she’ll move them around to her back if she wants to.
“My parents bought them for me so I would have more self-esteem.” That would be a clear indication that this is a poorly conceived idea all around.
The cranky old man in me says a young woman can build loads of self-esteem by getting a job and earning the money to pay for her own damn boob job. Combine physical change with a personal sense of accomplishment.
social commentary? i guess so. really just a terrible story. so many ways to go with this topic but this was like a bad liberal arts student’s first year creative writing flash piece. ugh.
Life is art. Art is life. I generally agree with Once.
Fake breasts look decent in clothing. In revealing and tight clothing, or naked, fake breasts look like fake breasts, almost like bolt-on boobs inserted beneath the skin. That said, some guys love the looks of fake breasts. I’m sure that some women do as well. That is cool with me. People can get cosmetic surgery, and it doesn’t mean that they are shallow, insecure people. I go to the gym 4-5 times a week. Sure, I want to be healthy, but I also like having a toned chest and arms that barely fit in my shirt sleeves. Does that mean that I am a “insecure person, a sad person, a tragic person”?
No. Of course it doesn’t mean that. People with breast implants are people too.
Just like Dennis Avner, who can be found at:
http://stalkingcat.net/
‘Life is art. Art is life.’
…ugh.
Anyway, wanting toned arms is not an apt comparison. An apt comparison would be penis enlargement. Some things in life we’re just given… they can’t be corrected with just going to the gym or a little concealer. The idea is to just deal with it. Like it or at least accept it, and then move on with your life. It doesn’t seem like Oliver is criticizing anyone’s body itself — just pointing out that (GASP!) — maybe it’s actually a *weakness* to ‘give into society’s ideals’ about what a body should look like — it doesn’t make you some hapless victim. As someone with a small boobs, I refuse to accept this idea that anyone who gets a boob job is just a victim of body-shaming or society’s patriarchal views…and not their own weakness. It IS possible to rise above that and accept, even genuinely *like*, your own body.
Ugh, yourself. I was talking about the article. It doesn’t make any creative points, but it is an expression of someone’s beliefs and ideas, and here we are talking about it.
All people have insecurities and weaknesses, but that doesn’t mean that we are all tragically weak. You can go to the gym to get buff and look good, and you are just fine. You are not a terrible, insecure person. You can actually *like* your own body and still get cosmetic surgery. Perhaps getting breast implants doesn’t mean that you are giving into anyone’s ideals but trying to better fit your own ideal (which may be influenced by society’s, but who cares?). What about the people who hate their bodies, but refuse to buy cosmetics, workout, wear trendy clothing, or get cosmetic surgery because they think they are a sociological martyr to a cause that may only exist in their head? That is cool with me too. People can do whatever they want, and that doesn’t mean they are tragic in any way. We have enough judgement and hate in the world.
Right on.
I’d really hate for someone to get a boob job expecting that ALL men like bigger breasts. I LOVE smaller breasts, but bigger ones don’t bother me all that much. I don’t think people should feel the need to take drastic action to try fit a universal beauty ideal, but it’s their choice and I’ll respect that. Just remember that some people like big boobs, some like small, some don’t care. Some like big penis, some like small, some don’t care, etc.
Right, and isn’t that the thing? There’s all kinds of different strokes for different folks out there. And I think that what Oliver is pointing out is that doing it to please others – is kind of, well, like he says, pitiful. It’s possible to point something out as being kind of tragic (again, his exact words) without it being ‘hate.’ We can go in circles all day about this — no, no one lives in a vacuum — but maybe some have reasons for doing it that are more caused by external forces than others. And I think it’s fair for those of us who *don’t* have, or give into, a desire to surgically modify our bodies in order to please others, to feel kind of sad for and pity — without necessarily feeling superior to — those that *do.*
If there was a penis enlargement surgery that actually worked in the same way that breast enlargement surgery did, it would instantly become the #1 cosmetic procedure in the world and it would not even be close. So for all the men who want to shame women who get boob jobs, think about that one for a second. If you could spend say $5,000-$10,000 to add a full two inches or more to your dick and it would still work and feel basically the same as before, would you have it done?
On the flip side, when women are willing to risk the dangers of going under the knife a lot of people talk about women’s negative body image and how sad it is and that these women need help.
When many men have been lead to believe that penis size is important to women (or whatever) and that their totally avg penis is deficient most people mock their insecurities.
The double-standard cuts both ways: women get sympathy for body image issues, men get more mocking.
And before anyone pounces — I’ll clarify that I’m talking specifically about feeling that a particular body part you have is ‘not good enough’, ‘not big enough’, etc etc etc. I’m not getting into gender reassignment surgery and the like. That is a whole other category of body modification, and rightly so — the mindset, feelings, and needs driving that deserve their own consideration. I’m talking about people wanting to change a body part because it’s just *not* what they’d like it to be — they don’t look quite enough like the people in magazines or on TV, or like what other people probably find most attractive. It’s pretty clear to me that’s what Oliver is criticizing here, too.
A lot of men and women like breast implants, and I think they’ll be even more common in the future.
I hear a lot of men say they don’t like breast implants, but I think they really mean they dont like poorly done breast implants.
From personal experience and this stems around asking the direct question to my mates at the appropriate times during conversations, everyone has always said to me that natural is better. Hopefully they won’t become more common as there will be better counselling and a better society-at-large which doesn’t make every small chested woman feel like they are a failure to their gender/not womanly enough for having AA/A /B cup-sized breasts.
@Jonny
Breast implants will probably become more common as the prices continue to drop. Then the increased number of women with implants dampens the stigma associated with them. I also think average age of first implants will drop.
I understand that a couple men here and there may prefer smaller breasts, but society at large-men and women-like bigger ones. A lot of times guys say they dont care about size, but they pay more attention to women with larger breasts even if shes not that attractive by the face. Men like for women to look good, and women want to look better than the girl standing next to them.
I agree. We live in a society that caters to the lowest common denominator (i.e. there is no need to wonder why Jerry Springer had great viewership).
That’s right Alice, this procedure like all other plastic surgeries became popular because their prices continue to drop. I don’t think most women have breast augmentation surgeries because men love big breasts but because they don’t like what they have.
When I decided to have breast augmentation in Toronto it was because I had very very small breasts and I saw on my clinic’s website a nice before/after gallery that convinced me that even I can have nice breasts. It’s not just about the size but also about the shape and the way they fit with your body.
Those that have huge breast just because this is the trend don’t think about the consequences and that maybe their huge implants might affect their health, as it usually happens:(
I don’t know about Alice, but I think that it’s possible that if we didn’t live in a society that views the body (men’s and womens) as a commodity then you may not have felt the need to have surgery.
When I look at countries in europe, it seems to me those countries embrace a woman’s femininity rather than her sexuality. Rather than reducing women to hips, thighs, buttocks, and breasts they embrace her ability to be feminine (wear feminine clothes, be coy and flirting, ask for help, stroke men’s ego and other things). To my mind if you put a woman who was the perfect sexual woman in terms of figure and looks who was absent redeeming personal characteristics against a woman who was lacking in some respects, but exhibited true feminine characteristics and redeeming personal traits (like honesty, integrity, and loyalty) I would pick the 2nd as a life-long mate even though I might pick the first for a 1night stand.
I remember an interview on Letterman or some other show in which lady gaga was on at the same time as a south american actress who was very feminine and classically beautiful. The contrast was very stark. It was like looking at two different worlds. The measure of people shouldn’t be in the shape and size of their bumps for women or men.
I understand you’re an adult woman and you made your choice freely. I understand that you didn’t go insanely huge, only wanted something that worked well with your body.
However, I think that our culture is very effed up if people think they have to go under the knife to fix very minor body issues.
I don’t know about Alice, but I think that it’s possible that if we didn’t live in a society that views the body (men’s and womens) as a commodity then you may not have felt the need to have surgery.
I think society is one reason she had the surgery, but not the only one. Sometimes clothes just fit better with bigger boobs.
“When I look at countries in europe, it seems to me those countries embrace a woman’s femininity rather than her sexuality. Rather than reducing women to hips, thighs, buttocks, and breasts they embrace her ability to be feminine (wear feminine clothes, be coy and flirting, ask for help, stroke men’s ego and other things). ”
I don’t know, the girls Silvio Ber-lust-oni were looking pretty good! I’m guessing men like for women to look good and be feminine. I’m having a difficult time believing that European men aren’t as into humps as American men are, if that’s what you are getting at. Just going to bild.de it still seems like the large breasts are still highly prized. Is it possible that you are romanticiziing Europeans?
“However, I think that our culture is very effed up if people think they have to go under the knife to fix very minor body issues.”
To some ladies, breast size is not a minor issue.
I work with this formally-hot-woman who used to have bod resembling Jessica Biel’s. She didn’t think her breasts were big enough, so she spent a Bentley to get them “circus-sized”. Now she looks like the girl in the photo. (Now she gets even more attention from even more Shallow Hals) The saddest irony is she’s a married, middle-aged executive, with a adolescent girl’s self-image. It worked for about a year. But now, she appears to be emotionally back at some imaginary starting line. Of course, I would be axed by her, or one of her minions, for any of my unsolicited observations. I know it means allot to her. Maybe too much; though.
“Furthermore, the vast majority of men prefer real boobs.”
I love this attitude. It is SUCH hypocrisy!! “Women get fake boobs to attract men, and that is sad and pathetic. They should be made aware that men like REAL boobs, and conform to that standard instead!” I think it’s interesting, too, that men idolize “fake women” on the covers of magazines – their fake boobs, fake tans, fake hair, and bodies photoshopped down to impossibly fake levels of thinness – but openly shame women who do things to make themselves look more like those magazine cover girls. Why? I have a theory: Men like to look at those magazine women, fantasize about those women, beat off to those women. But they know that those women are WAY out of their league. Men depend on average looking women for relationships and sex. Women who are safely in their league. When “real life” women start getting bigger boobs and smaller waists and whatever else, they raise their standards. They feel they are worth more by virtue of being “prettier,” and those men are left staring at a smaller pool of women that are “within their league.”
I think women shame women who get boob jobs and other cosmetic enhancements because we don’t like to see our bar raised. We want everyone to love us just the way we are – small boobs and cellulite and love handles and all – and as more and more women fight nature and pursue physical “perfection,” other women feel as though they are less and less able to compete.
In any case, you can’t make assumptions about a person’s character based solely on whether or not he or she surgically enhances his or her body. Also, its ridiculous to sell this image of perfection all over the media, to sell diet pills and gym memberhips and push up bras and shapewear and makeup and protein powder and salon services and spray-on tans and stretch-mark removers and chemical peels and then turn around and say, “You should learn to live your body just the way it is!” What a load of crap. Seriously.
@Bonnie
I think it’s interesting, too, that men idolize “fake women””
BINGO! ITA, and it makes no sense.
Many men seem to be quite enamored with the Carmen Electras and Pam Andersons of the world, but get mad when women emulate the aforementioned ladies.
That like if I tell a man I like muscles then look down on him for going to the gym.
I promise that most of the guys who say they like natural ones will break their necks getting a glimpse at a pair of fake dds.
I’m a guy and i’m agree 100% with you!!! those guys saying they like natural boobs while they are jerking off to fake boobs pornstars are just hypocrite. Maybe it is because i like working out in gym. Same as women always saying they rather have skinny or chubby guys than fit guys ( i talking about fit here, not extreme size steroids bodybuilders ) and they said they dont care a bit about men appearance , while they are swooning and drooling over celebrity and athletes with fit bodies. Same hypocrite. I think women and men can do anything they want with their body, if it makes them more confident.
I find it interesting that everyone on this board seems to have missed this paragraph of the essay:
“Although Emily lacked her friend’s socially-sanctioned “perfect” appearance—whatever that meant—she thought herself possessed of far greater ambitions. She wanted a husband, children, IKEA shelving, a McMansion financed with an interest-only mortgage, and all of the other accoutrements of superficial maturity that were disdained and sometimes even anathematized by self-absorbed souls like Camden. “I’m glad you’re happy, Cammy,” she said.”
Maybe that one just hits a little too close to home for everyone here? If we address this, does it make it just a little too difficult to separate ourselves from those who undergo cosmetic surgery? Is it just too uncomfortable to admit that we are ALL guilty of being concerned with our outward appearance and how others perceive us? Hmmm??