Astrology for Bitter Single People Who Don’t Believe in Astrology

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About Bridget Callahan

Bridget Callahan wants to meet this generation's Hemingway, and have him cheat on her profusely. She writes one of those blog things at bridgetcallahan.com and currently attends UNCW.

Comments

  1. Travis Blankenship says:

    Just threw an entire shelf of astrology books away! This list is all I’ll ever need. You know, for life’s pertinent questions like “what’s your sign?”

  2. Hank Vandenburgh says:

    Mostly true. Don’t agree on Pisces. (Can’t concentrate sexually.) Got me right (Taurus, Scorp Moon, Pisces Rising.)

  3. oh, libras are like ravens, you say? hahahahaa. because i know this one guy. who has raven in his name.

    also: nailed aquarius. my feelings, they ache. they’ve been nailed.

  4. Not buying it says:

    Is this for real, what’s next witchcraft! !! And some people actually buy into this.

  5. Hank Vandenburgh says:

    I’ve been doing full charts since the 1960s. They seem to be much more accurate than the Meyers-Briggs, say. Great hooks for intuition in any case.

  6. wellokaythen says:

    If astrology really is reliably predictable, I should be able to tell you what I’m like and then from that you can tell me what my birthday is. Somehow that’s not how it works, though, is it? If the characteristics match up with the signs, then the charts should work both ways. I could tell you things about my personality, and astrology would probably guess 3-4 signs for me.

    Or, if it’s truly accurate, then anyone with an incorrect birth certificate could be immediately spotted. If your parents are lying to you about when your birthday really is (because the real birthday was embarrassingly too close to the wedding day), astrology will save the day and tell you when you were really born.

    Or, I could test an astrologer by lying about my birthdate, and I’d probably find something in the horoscope that describes me perfectly. An astrologer ought to be able to tell if I’m lying about when I was born, because it just shouldn’t match up.

    There are some people out there whose childhoods were such that they don’t actually know when they were born. Astrology should be able to tell them when they were born. Theoretically.

  7. as a Leo, completely and utterly offended.

  8. Hank Vandenburgh says:

    Sidereal astrologers have this type of scientific orientation (I and most other astrologers are not siderealists.) Most astrologers are tropicalists. Tropicalism is more or less a Jungian orientation, where the planets are thought to be like Jung’s symbolic complexes in the personality. Siderealists, by contrast, believe that “rays” emminate from the stars and influence our behavior directly. Because all the planets are taken into account; as well as houses, aspects, etc; the holistic picture is incredibly layered. Some tropicalists, though, can do exactly as you say, accurately naming a sign, or resecting a birthtime (rising sign) accurately when it isn’t, as yet, known. I can’t do this with any precision, although I have named three unknown as yet persons’ Sun signs accurately in a row. I think the odds against that are about 12 to the third.

    • wellokaythen says:

      I pretended I didn’t know when my birthday was and read all the entries. Four different signs described me quite well. Ooh, maybe I have a multifaceted soul and I have more than one birthday? Perhaps I’ve been different signs in previous lives and I’m actually channeling people born at several different times of year? Intriguing….

    • I find it strangely fascinating that you have all these divisions of dogma and trivial differences in your imaginary discipline.

  9. I am Scorpio and not an asshole :)

    • Hank Vandenburgh says:

      Sun Scorpio people are really cool. They often come off as shrewd card-player types, though. They may be the hardest to read of all signs. For my money, Leos (generous egotists) and Aries (impulsive adventurers) are more likely to come off as assholes (at least at first.) But the journey in life is often thought to be from one’s Moon to one’s Sun. So I may have started off as emotionally Scorpionian (Moon) but am becoming respectable and predictable (Taurus Sun.) Scorpio Moons are much more silly and more promiscuous than Scorpio Suns (who hate being observed serving their desires, although they do get them taken care of.) Scorpio Suns are often very sympathetic and helpful, but they need to be in control as much as possible.

  10. Thanks for writing a funny article. Ha ha. Is to laugh. (Seriously, very funny.)

  11. Bitter and single…What a surprise! Two great tastes that seem to go great together.
    I’m lovin’ that yummy aftertaste of bile and vinegar from kissing a Bitter Batchelorette. Makes you want to come back for more.
    Nevertheless, this tin-foil-hat wearin’ Libra (I’ve made my peace with the Libran paradox of ‘specialness’) thinks you’re a hoot and looks forward to reading more of your writing.

  12. Dead-on about Sagittarius. LOL! We have issues with authority…

  13. All the normal astrological Capricorn women I know are overly emotional.
    And clingy as hell.
    And all the Pisces I know enjoy sexual promiscuity.

    Even though I’m an astrological Aquarius I actually fit the Capricorn and Sagittarius aspects of this article.

    “Driven to be in control of their situation, even if that means staying in their house every day playing computer games because its the only thing they are good at, and if they leave the house they might have to experience this thing called an emotion, which frankly they don’t see the point of.”

    “If you don’t meet their standards, then they will probably still sleep with you, but will not call you in the morning and probably won’t enjoy it anyway. They like trench coats, symmetrical pictures of nature.”

    “The worst thing you can do to a Sag is tell them they have to do something because they are “supposed to.” However, if you give them a reason to “want to,” then they are on it.”

  14. Hank Vandenburgh says:

    A couple of my favorite newspaper column astrologers, Rob Breszney and Sue Marshall, both of whom I met, admitted that they never actually did charts. Shocking!

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