Astrology for Bitter Single People Who Don’t Believe in Astrology

Is love in the stars for you?  Bitter single person Bridget Callahan has the answers!


Capricorn – The Goat

 

Capricorns are driven people. Driven to be intellectual snobs. Driven to be exclusive. Driven to be in control of their situation, even if that means staying in their house every day playing computer games because its the only thing they are good at, and if they leave the house they might have to experience this thing called an emotion, which frankly they don’t see the point of. They love to talk to you if you’re smart, but only as long as you don’t admit to knowing more than them. If you don’t meet their standards, then they will probably still sleep with you, but will not call you in the morning and probably won’t enjoy it anyway. They like trench coats, IT jobs, and symmetrical pictures of nature. If you meet a Capricorn with excellent social skills, it probably means they make a lot more money than you.

 

Aquarius – The Water Bearer

 

Aquarius likes to be thought of as unique. You know what’s not unique? Telling everyone how unique you are. If you tell me that you are “crazy and weird,” then you’re probably neither of those things. Unless while you tell me this, you are also juggling stray cats and wearing a caftan you knitted to symbolize world drought. In other words, Aquarius tries too hard. They are most likely to try and change the world, and most likely to drive everyone crazy by preaching about veganism and alien encounters. They infest non-profits and college activism groups like pesky squirrels. I suspect most of them are bipolar, since a disproportionate amount of them claim to have conversations with angels. Also, what is a water bearer? ‘Cause to me that reads slave.

 

Pisces – The Fish

 

Pisces are sluts. Seriously, any Pisces will sleep with you. If you’re into anal, go out with a Pisces. They will totally fall in love with you though. Sweet, darling, slutty Pisces.

 

Aries – The Ram

 

Aries are totally adventurous, and will do most anything. Whether or not its dangerous. Need someone to walk into a den of badgers? Call an Aries. Need someone to hang from an airplane over the Andes and lure condors with chum? Call an Aries. Some people think this stupid, careless, reckless. After all, who does dumb shit like scuba diving under the Artic shelf? Whatever, you don’t even know what living is. Aries write a lot of survival guides, and frankly, if there is an apocalypse, you should get one on your side. Aries are physically incapable of becoming zombies. In fact, we should be farming them for anti-zombie stem cells.

 

Taurus – The Bull

 

Once upon a time, you used to date this guy who seemed totally calm and collected, had a good job, a house, was unflinchingly loyal and paid your car bills and stuff. Then he went on your facebook, saw how many guy friends you had, and suddenly he was suspicious of everything you were doing. Who was that on the phone? Why can’t you come over tonight? When you asked him what the hell was up, he wouldn’t tell you.  Instead, he just made sad puppy dog eyes at you. Eventually he got really defensive at everything, started snapping anytime you disagreed about something, and started drinking a lot. He was a Taurus. You dumped him for a Pisces.

 

Gemini- The Twins

 

No matter how awesome that collage you made for their birthday is, a Gemini will still think they are more creative than you. Don’t worry about trying to make plans with them either, because Geminis are notorious for not calling you for months, then all of a sudden totally having to see you on this specific day at this specific time, and if you don’t do it then, you may never see or hear from them again. Not because they don’t like you. They are just too busy being awesome. Geminis are great for doing drugs with, as long as you catch them on the upside of their monthly mood cycle. Otherwise it’s kind of depressing. And they sort of become addicts. Which is more depressing.

 

Cancer – The Crab

 

Do you like watching a woman cry? Do you like watching her cry because you did something conceptually hurtful, even though no solid action took place? Do you have a pressing need to take care of someone, manage their budget, comfort them when they get irrationally insecure, and put up with their entertainment demands even though you’re footing the bill because she is too busy writing her novel to go to work? Does her having big tits and giving good blowjobs, plus being really fun to drink with, make up for all of that? Then call me.

 

 

Leo – The Lion

 

Leos get hurt just as easily as Cancers, only they’re too proud to actually say anything about it. It’s sweet, until they get super passive-aggressive. They try to be steady, not cause a fuss, but if you step on them, they get totally irrationally angry. Leos hold a grudge like nobody’s business. Well, I mean, technically it should be their business. If only there was a way to profit off hating people, places, and things. I wonder what the quantity of Leos on staff at Fox News is? As long as you stay on their good side, then they’re great friends. But good luck with that. It’s a minefield. Start with never ever telling them what to do. Send them to Africa to travel down the Congo and find a crazy man.

 

Virgo – The Virgin

 

When I asked my friends to contribute lists of their perfect mates, the first 2 who responded were Virgos, because they already had lists made, which they kept in their wallets. Their houses are always clean. Their bank accounts are always in order. They are disgustingly perfect and well balanced. Virgos should probably run the world, but if you tell them I said that I’ll deny it. They are good friends to have, but they are always asking you to go out which can be frustrating, since their budgets are like a well oiled machine and yours is closer to an ’85 Chevy that needs a transmission flush. If a Virgo falls in love with you, you should probably shut the fuck up and consider yourself lucky. If your Virgo is a girl, she’s probably vegan. If it’s a guy, he belongs to a gym. Seriously, they will make you doubt your self-worth.

 

Libra – The Scales

 

Libras are totally delusional. They are all born thinking that they are destined to live some special grand life, and when that doesn’t happen, they start irrationally grabbing onto anything that can cover up their mediocrity and give them the appearance of individuality. This makes them lots of fun, because they really, really want to seem fun. It also makes them the worst flirts ever, because they’ll try to seem popular and in demand and adored. If you want to love a Libra, be prepared to deny reality often, and agree with them about how awful everyone else is except them. Also be prepared to be dumped when the next new thing comes along that’s shinier than you. Libras are like ravens, constantly swooping off path for bits of tinfoil to help them pretend their nest is silver.

 

Scorpio – The Scorpion

 

Scorpios are assholes. But if you like someone dominating every aspect of your life, and dictating what you think and who your friends are and what kind of politics you have, then hey. They’re good in the sack, and they are right about things 100% of the time, as long as your definition of “right” is “complete and total confidence that this is true”. They’re sort of like the military version of Pisces. A Scorpio would totally murder a Pisces, and get away with it. If you want to murder someone and get away with it, call a Scorpio. If you need a short man to lead your army across Europe, call a Scorpio.

 

I love scorpios SO MUCH.

 

Sagittarius – The Archer

 

The worst thing you can do to a Sag is tell them they have to do something because they are “supposed to.” However, if you give them a reason to “want to,” then they are on it. They are the nice versions of Capricorns. But if you dropped a Sag and Cap somewhere deep in the woods, and told them to kill each other, my money’s on the Cap because they usually own guns.

 

 

Like what you just read?  Read more from The Moustache Club of America!

More by Bridget Callahan:

Reasons I Have Rejected Guys Based on Their OKCupid Profiles 

Sexual Fantasies I Have About Various Republicans

More by our other authors:

Impossibly Awkward Conversation

 10 Movies That Will Absolutely, Positively Make a Man Cry

How to Write a Short Story So Gr8 It’s Gr9!

And keep the conversation going on Twitter:  @MoustacheClubUS

 

Photo–Flickr/Remko van Dokkum


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About Bridget Callahan

Bridget Callahan wants to meet this generation's Hemingway, and have him cheat on her profusely. She writes one of those blog things at bridgetcallahan.com and currently attends UNCW.

Comments

  1. Travis Blankenship says:

    Just threw an entire shelf of astrology books away! This list is all I’ll ever need. You know, for life’s pertinent questions like “what’s your sign?”

  2. Hank Vandenburgh says:

    Mostly true. Don’t agree on Pisces. (Can’t concentrate sexually.) Got me right (Taurus, Scorp Moon, Pisces Rising.)

  3. oh, libras are like ravens, you say? hahahahaa. because i know this one guy. who has raven in his name.

    also: nailed aquarius. my feelings, they ache. they’ve been nailed.

  4. Not buying it says:

    Is this for real, what’s next witchcraft! !! And some people actually buy into this.

  5. Hank Vandenburgh says:

    I’ve been doing full charts since the 1960s. They seem to be much more accurate than the Meyers-Briggs, say. Great hooks for intuition in any case.

  6. wellokaythen says:

    If astrology really is reliably predictable, I should be able to tell you what I’m like and then from that you can tell me what my birthday is. Somehow that’s not how it works, though, is it? If the characteristics match up with the signs, then the charts should work both ways. I could tell you things about my personality, and astrology would probably guess 3-4 signs for me.

    Or, if it’s truly accurate, then anyone with an incorrect birth certificate could be immediately spotted. If your parents are lying to you about when your birthday really is (because the real birthday was embarrassingly too close to the wedding day), astrology will save the day and tell you when you were really born.

    Or, I could test an astrologer by lying about my birthdate, and I’d probably find something in the horoscope that describes me perfectly. An astrologer ought to be able to tell if I’m lying about when I was born, because it just shouldn’t match up.

    There are some people out there whose childhoods were such that they don’t actually know when they were born. Astrology should be able to tell them when they were born. Theoretically.

  7. as a Leo, completely and utterly offended.

  8. Hank Vandenburgh says:

    Sidereal astrologers have this type of scientific orientation (I and most other astrologers are not siderealists.) Most astrologers are tropicalists. Tropicalism is more or less a Jungian orientation, where the planets are thought to be like Jung’s symbolic complexes in the personality. Siderealists, by contrast, believe that “rays” emminate from the stars and influence our behavior directly. Because all the planets are taken into account; as well as houses, aspects, etc; the holistic picture is incredibly layered. Some tropicalists, though, can do exactly as you say, accurately naming a sign, or resecting a birthtime (rising sign) accurately when it isn’t, as yet, known. I can’t do this with any precision, although I have named three unknown as yet persons’ Sun signs accurately in a row. I think the odds against that are about 12 to the third.

    • wellokaythen says:

      I pretended I didn’t know when my birthday was and read all the entries. Four different signs described me quite well. Ooh, maybe I have a multifaceted soul and I have more than one birthday? Perhaps I’ve been different signs in previous lives and I’m actually channeling people born at several different times of year? Intriguing….

    • I find it strangely fascinating that you have all these divisions of dogma and trivial differences in your imaginary discipline.

  9. I am Scorpio and not an asshole :)

    • Hank Vandenburgh says:

      Sun Scorpio people are really cool. They often come off as shrewd card-player types, though. They may be the hardest to read of all signs. For my money, Leos (generous egotists) and Aries (impulsive adventurers) are more likely to come off as assholes (at least at first.) But the journey in life is often thought to be from one’s Moon to one’s Sun. So I may have started off as emotionally Scorpionian (Moon) but am becoming respectable and predictable (Taurus Sun.) Scorpio Moons are much more silly and more promiscuous than Scorpio Suns (who hate being observed serving their desires, although they do get them taken care of.) Scorpio Suns are often very sympathetic and helpful, but they need to be in control as much as possible.

  10. Thanks for writing a funny article. Ha ha. Is to laugh. (Seriously, very funny.)

  11. Bitter and single…What a surprise! Two great tastes that seem to go great together.
    I’m lovin’ that yummy aftertaste of bile and vinegar from kissing a Bitter Batchelorette. Makes you want to come back for more.
    Nevertheless, this tin-foil-hat wearin’ Libra (I’ve made my peace with the Libran paradox of ‘specialness’) thinks you’re a hoot and looks forward to reading more of your writing.

  12. Dead-on about Sagittarius. LOL! We have issues with authority…

  13. All the normal astrological Capricorn women I know are overly emotional.
    And clingy as hell.
    And all the Pisces I know enjoy sexual promiscuity.

    Even though I’m an astrological Aquarius I actually fit the Capricorn and Sagittarius aspects of this article.

    “Driven to be in control of their situation, even if that means staying in their house every day playing computer games because its the only thing they are good at, and if they leave the house they might have to experience this thing called an emotion, which frankly they don’t see the point of.”

    “If you don’t meet their standards, then they will probably still sleep with you, but will not call you in the morning and probably won’t enjoy it anyway. They like trench coats, symmetrical pictures of nature.”

    “The worst thing you can do to a Sag is tell them they have to do something because they are “supposed to.” However, if you give them a reason to “want to,” then they are on it.”

  14. Hank Vandenburgh says:

    A couple of my favorite newspaper column astrologers, Rob Breszney and Sue Marshall, both of whom I met, admitted that they never actually did charts. Shocking!

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