Oliver Lee Bateman has some helpful advice for people who can’t seem to keep their sexts to themselves.
In springtime a young man’s fancy lightly turns to thoughts of taking pictures of his junk and sending them to friends, acquaintances, and Craigslist randos. At least since the dawn of the Polaroid instant camera, the thrill of snapping a few dick pics and then sharing them with others has proved nigh-irresistible. However, even the best-laid dick pic distribution plans can go awry, as evidenced by the high-profile cases of Brett Favre, Greg Oden, and Anthony Weiner.
Although worrywart news reporters are fond of waxing apocalyptic about middle school “sexting rings” and various local legends have been laid low due to a little horseplay on the celly, it’s clear that dick pic-taking here to stay. As such, the point of this article is neither to disparage the parties involved nor to heap shame upon those whose dick pics are made public. Rather, I intend to offer a series of helpful tips for those individuals employed in positions where the revelation of a dick pic or three may result in considerable embarrassment.
Hypothetical #1: A new co-worker is assigned to the cubicle next to yours. You find this person très sexy, so you do what any right-thinking individual would do: you hunt down your co-worker’s cellphone number in the employee phone directory. After discovering this number, you should:
A) Do nothing, because this is already sorta creepy.
C) Slip away to the bathroom, unzip your flat-front Dockers, and try to find the most swagalicious angle for a dick pic to send to this person.
Answer: A is probably the best answer here, though many bros would argue that B is a great way to get someone’s attention. Following the advice in C will probably lead to your getting reassigned to a different cubicle.
Hypothetical #2: You’re browsing Craigslist late one afternoon when you notice that a 27″ CRT television is being offered for sale in a trendy part of your town. ”Hey,” you think to yourself, “I bet the person who owns this TV is pretty darn cool.” You decide to respond to the ad by:
A) Offering to pay for the TV at list price while also asking the person out to dinner at a hip coffeeshop nearby.
B) Telling the person to go to hell in the course of a long, confusing rant about our socialist, Kenyan-born president.
C) Sending a dick pic.
D) Doing none of the above.
Answer: There is no good reason why you should want to purchase such an outdated TV, so D is the best answer. It’s way too early in your nonexistent relationship with this unknown person to attempt A, and C will likely result in something like this being written in response.
Hypothetical #3: You are a fortysomething pro athlete, and you have just been interviewed by a sideline reporter half your age. During the course of the five minutes that you spent with this person, you experienced the sort of “spark” you no longer feel with your boring wife. You should:
A) Wait until the moment is right, then use the 1 megapixel camera in your circa-2004 Nokia bar-phone to take an unflattering photo of your junk that also includes the powder-blue Crocs you’ve been wearing around the house (“They’re my house shoes,” you tell friends who inquire about these garish monstrosities).
B) Send 30 or more photos of this sort, hoping that the sheer bombardment will cause this sideline reporter to run to your side.
C) Refuse to send any photos of your junk, because they’ll be leaked to the press and you’ll have to deal with a lot of needless humiliation.
Answer: Oh, who the hell cares? You’re 43 and bound to wind up flinging your extra-slow fastballs for a dismal Minnesota Vikings team, so who am I to criticize you for shooting for the stars? YOLO, brah!
By now, I hope my point is clear: you probably shouldn’t just grab a phone book and set about disseminating your dick pics willy-nilly. Given that sexting will doubtless increase in the coming years (or, better yet, morph into a new and more hands-on activity), you should instead exercise extreme caution when selecting a recipient lest all of your lewd material wind up in the public domain. In addition to the three examples presented here, it’s unlikely that distributing dick pics to underage members of your congregation, to the White House, or to Wilford Brimley will result in positive outcomes. Furthermore, while those ”all comments welcome” statements that preface company suggestion lines may sound inviting, I would urge you to think twice before sending these places even the most well-lit and impressive dick pics in your spank bank. Regardless of the situation, hew to the golden rule: when in doubt, don’t send it out.