Oliver Lee Bateman has a foolproof method for avoiding distractions.  You simply need to…hey, is that the Keyboard Cat?

I’m going to address a very important topic: how to avoid distractions in this ADD-afflicted world of ours. But before I do that, let’s see what’s happening on Facebook. Oh, that’s a cool cat. Looks like a Persian. Or a tabby. Or a Siamese. Aside: Look up varieties of house cat on Wikipedia. Regardless of breed, this flabby feline warrants a “like.”

While I’m at it, I ought to click through to this person’s page. I used to date her, so why not, right? Maybe she’s found true love.My goodness, she has! She’s getting married to a guy who makes way more money than I do. That’s heartbreaking. The fact that I make so little money, that is. Not the fact that she’s getting married. I can be the bigger person:  Good for her! The year or two before he divorces her sorry keister should be pretty fun for both of them.  Gracious, I need to take my mind off such depressing matters. Ah, here we go: a piping-hot text. “Sup,” it reads. Should probably answer that. Hmm, what to say? Given that I’ve got an entire column ahead of me — and on a super-important topic, to boot — I mustn’t waste any time. “Nm u” is my terse reply.

Where was I? Distractions, that’s right. Isn’t it funny how many there are? No matter what you’re doing, even if you’re somewhere you’d like to be, it’s never good enough. Face-to-face conversations with BFFs are swell, but is it wrong to get hella bored when those BFFs cease for so much as one split freaking second to entertain you? I don’t think so. Wait, hold up. A request has arrived from Words With Friends.

“A, E, M, P, R, S, X.” What a bunch of crap letters. Looks like I’ll have to plan a move later in the day, when I have more free time on my hands. Besides, I really don’t like my jerky opponent and her jerky, made-up words. Satay? No way! Hmm, let’s check the weather. A balmy 43 degrees, huh? Rain projected for the evening? Man, that stinks. In fact, now that I think about it, I’m feeling utterly miserable. There’s no choice: I must post a melancholy Facebook status and hope that all of those acquaintances I couldn’t stand to spend any time with in real life will weigh in with reassuring comments about how great I am. “Sry dawgs Im just feelin blue right now FML” should do the trick.

OK, back to the matter at hand. Distractions and how they can keep us from accomplishing anything meaningful. Oh, that totally needs to be Googled and YouTubed. There’s got to be a great Economist article or TED talk on the subject that I can shamelessly plagiarize.

Whoa, first comment on my status! “Hey dude stay strong 4 realz,” it reads. How do I know the woman who wrote this? Ah yes — we went to the fourth grade together, and I walked with her to the nurse’s office when she lost control of her bladder during gym class. Those were the days. Hmm, maybe I should Google the old elementary school building. Nah, I’m crazy busy — but I will add a “Reminder” on my iPhone.

While I’m fooling around on the celly, I should play a round or two of Angry Birds Space. This is a much better version of the game, no doubt about it. Tougher puzzles, better pig placement, and the same wonderful birds (particularly that enormous red “Big Brother Bird,” which is a destroyer of worlds). Well worth whatever I spent on it ($.99? $1.99? IDK, LOL!). Say, while I’m on the topic of spending, I ought to check on my latest Amazon.com order. All right, the PastaBoat™ and the Slap Chop™ have left the shipment facility in Pennington, Kentucky and are now in Columbus, Ohio! Ooh, these recommended items are pretty sweet, too. “Touched: The Jerry Sandusky Story”? This sounds swagalicious. Is there a “Look Inside” option? No, darn it. Well, add it to the Wish List and move forward.

Wait. I’m forgetting something very important here, something I meant to do earlier this morning. I haven’t viewed Orlando Magic power forward Glen “Big Baby” Davis’ latest game log on Hoopdata.com. Thankfully, there’s still a chance to remedy this omission. He’s 2-for-4 FGM-A, 2 rebounds, 4 points. The Magic are paying him $5 million a year to do this? Man, he’s a regular Stephon “Starbury” Marbury. Speaking of Marbury, I need to surf over to Basketball-Reference.com and analyze his career stats.

Jeez, enough’s enough. There’s no way it should be this difficult to write an 800-word advice column. One simply needs to sit down, type 800 words more or less at random, and then email the finished product to the relevant parties. Yet: OMG! And also ZOMG! More Facebook replies: “sometimes i wish i didnt care about other peoples feelings as much i wish i could just close my eyes.” That’s even more depressing than what I wrote! Why is this sad sack still on my Friends List? Ugh, delete. Phew. Maybe a little more pruning, since I’m in the mood. This guy: never liked his lazy eye. Gone. That girl down there owes us five bucks. Na na na na, hey, hey-ey, goodbye. “Man that sucks hope things look up give me a call one day its been 2 long!” Ah, here are some words of wisdom from a person I wouldn’t dream of calling even if he happened to be the last man on earth.

Hey, can you folks take a rain check on whatever I was writing about? It’s been a long 45 minutes, and I definitely need a nap. After I finish browsing the “free” section of Craigslist, that is. An umbrella stand would really bring this room together.

Photo–Flickr/birgerking