Can you really win the lottery every single time you play? In a word, yes. In two words, heck yes.
Times are tough all over. Word has it that there’s a single job left in the entire country, so working is out of the question. Sponging off ma and pa might be an option, but that’s not something most swinging singles would want to do. Fame could work if you’re as outrageous as Kim Kardashian, but she’s one of a kind and you probably aren’t. It appears we’ve exhausted every possibility save one: the Powerball lottery.
Powerball is a can’t-miss proposition. Introduced in 1992 as a quick and painless way of getting poor people to give their money to faceless state bureaucrats, this legal numbers racket has created almost as many millionaires as the Charlotte Bobcats. Unlike the Charlotte Bobcats, though, the lottery doesn’t demand a 42-inch vertical leap or a textbook jumpshot in exchange for such princely wages. It requires only that you pick the best numbers, which is a snap if you know your lottery strategies as well as I do.
See, many people erroneously believe that the lottery is just a game of chance. The numbers are randomly selected, they say, and there’s no way to beat the system. Well, there’s a name for such people: losers. Not only can you beat the system, you can beat it frequently. A master lotteryman can walk out of his apartment, stroll down to the corner grocery, buy a ticket, and count on five or six years of guaranteed income. It’s just that simple.
“How do I become a master lotteryman?” you ask. Friend, it’s easier than growing a goatee or leaving the shiny hologram on your fresh and swagalicious new hat. First, get a handful of your favorite numbers — I happen to like 1, 7, 9, 3 and 2 — and draw them close to your heart. If you need help picking favorite numbers, opt for extremely powerful ones like your grandfather’s dog’s birthday or the combined weight of the contestants on “American Idol.” It’s good to have favorite numbers because they carry a lot more luck. Since the lottery was designed for players with average or below-average luck, that extra luck will put you over the top.
Next, develop a feel for the stores in your neighborhood that sell lottery tickets. It’s all about location, location, location in this game. Some stores are real cold and never sell a winner. Others sell nothing but winners. These places are referred to as “hot shops” or “hot boxes” in lotteryman lexicon and are where you want to go when you need fast cash.
You’re also going to need plenty of intuition — “court vision” to put it in terms that a Charlotte Bobcats hoopster could grasp. You can cultivate this intuition by reading lottery winners’ stories, which are available on your state lottery website. One woman won big by playing the lottery during a week when her hands itched, so that’s something you could try. Another fellow got so nervous about playing that he had his wife buy the winning ticket. That would probably be a bit tougher if you’re a confirmed bachelor, but I think it would work equally well if you substituted an aunt or uncle for your spouse.
Finally, you ought to think about what you’re going to do with all of your winnings. The usual crowd of do-gooders and try-harders will put the arm on you to donate that money to conceptual artists, buskers, documentary filmmakers or some other distressed, dispossessed group. Far be it from me to tell you how to spend your gil, but cutting-edge Nate Silver-style statistics show that the lottery is one of the safest investments you can make. Plus, you’ve won before, so your odds of winning again are bound to have increased. In that respect, winning the lotto is a lot like riding a bicycle: it’s a skill that, once learned, will never be forgotten.