ESPN game show winner Jim Jividen lays out your fantasy draft.
I play fantasy football. You play fantasy football. For years. A little obsessively.
Like any other addiction, like cigarettes or pumpkin pie or Minka Kelly photos, the law of diminishing returns requires that consumption be stepped up in order to get a good fix. So, you play in an auction draft and then a dynasty league. You play IDP and 2 Quarterback and make sure the filters are off your google image search. But the monkey remains on your back.
Until today. (No, not for Lyla Garrity. You’re on your own for that).
I bring you NFLPA Fantasy Football.
Who can you draft – any living player whose last game was before the year 2000; these are 20th century players only. Pick any ten.
What’s the scoring?
10 pts: Plaintiff in a concussion and/or licensing lawsuit.
9 pts: Appearing on a panel with Chris Nowinski.
8 pts: Getting name checked in the same article with the phrase “chronic traumatic encephalopathy” or “extensive rare car collection”
7 pts: Felony charges filed against, bonus half point if for identity theft. Bonus point if the script is flipped and player files domestic battery charges.
6 pts: About whom is a discussion of relative toughness compared to today’s (obviously soft) players, bonus half point for any former defensive player who “wouldn’t have been able to play today” with the evolving tackling guidelines; bonus point for a discussion of the statistics player would have been able to accumulate given today’s rules. “Steve Bartkowski would have thrown for 48 touchdowns if the corners couldn’t have jammed White Shoes Johnson.” That kinda thing.
5 pts: Official jersey of whom seen in the stands of a current NFL game. There might be the occasional #56 at a Giants game, for example.
4 pts. Leaving a comment on Dave Pear’s blog. That’s some inside stuff right there, sports fans.
3 pts. Placing/removing name from a car dealership, car wash or sports bar.
2 pts: Filing bankruptcy/divorce or running for county commissioner as a libertarian.
1 pt.: Death. Low total awarded in order not to incentivize bad behavior. No one go hunt Steve Bartkowski. It’s just not worth it.
Next – B.S. Report Bingo (for example….turn over a tile for a Simmons complaint that he can’t write about baseball anymore because he can so readily be proven wrong by advanced metrics; turn over a tile every time he complains that television criticism by English majors is overly intellectual; turn over a tile every time he and Jack O chuckle about stats guys not valuing the RBI. Like that.)
Or – my actual fantasy football board. Player. Bye Week. Position.
Adrian Peterson MIN 5 RB
Doug Martin TB 5 RB
Marshawn Lynch SEA 12 RB
Jamaal Charles KC 10 RB
Arian Foster HOU 8 RB
Ray Rice BAL 8 RB
C.J. Spiller BUF 12 RB
Alfred Morris WAS 5 RB
LeSean McCoy PHI 12 RB
Trent Richardson CLE 10 RB
You get one of these guys in Rnd One. You could pick Lynch second if you wanted to. Charles-McCoy could be in any order. Richardson’s definitely last.
Calvin Johnson DET 9 WR
Johnson’s all by himself as the top WR. If all those backs are gone, then you take him.
Stevan Ridley NE 10 RB
Matt Forte CHI 8 RB
Chris Johnson TEN 8 RB
David Wilson NYG 9 RB
Next group of backs. Ideally, your top two picks are RB-RB from these two groups. Keep this order if you can but if there’s a bye issue with your first back, then adjust (Hey, I slipped in an edit – with Brown’s injury you can bump Wilson to the top of this group)
A.J. Green CIN 12 WR
Brandon Marshall CHI 8 WR
Dez Bryant DAL 11 WR
Julio Jones ATL 6 WR
Demaryius Thomas DEN 9 WR
Victor Cruz NYG 9 WR
So, at this point, ideally you’re 3 rounds in and have gone RB-RB-WR. Could be the size of your league doesn’t allow that and you only get two through this point. Keep the order for these WR through Bryant – you can order the last three guys any way you want.
Aaron Rodgers GB 4 QB
You don’t want Rodgers, he’s gonna go too high. But if you’re here somehow, this is the spot.
Maurice Jones-Drew JAC 9 RB
Reggie Bush DET 9 RB
Steven Jackson ATL 6 RB
Frank Gore SF 9 RB
Lamar Miller MIA 6 RB
Any order, watch the byes. Maybe your second RB comes out of this group.
Roddy White ATL 6 WR
Steve Smith CAR 4 WR
Andre Johnson HOU 8 WR
Marques Colston NO 7 WR
Any order, watch the byes. If you don’t have your WR yet, probably you get one here.
Drew Brees NO 7 QB
Cam Newton CAR 4 QB
Peyton Manning DEN 9 QB
In this order. You don’t want these guys either, they’ll go too high.
Jordy Nelson GB 4 WR
Vincent Jackson TB 5 WR
Randall Cobb GB 4 WR
Dwayne Bowe KC 10 WR
Reggie Wayne IND 8 WR
Larry Fitzgerald ARI 9 WR
Any order. Watch the byes. Ideally you’ve gotten both backs and both receivers.
DeAngelo Williams CAR 4 RB
Darren McFadden OAK 7 RB
Rashard Mendenhall ARI 9 RB
Ryan Mathews SD 8 RB
Any order.
Colin Kaepernick SF 9 QB
Tom Brady NE 10 QB
Matt Ryan Atl 6 QB
Jimmy Graham NO 7 TE
If you had 2 QB and 2 RB and it was round five and you saw any of these guys on the board, you take them and be happy.
Chris Ivory NYJ 10 RB
Montee Ball DEN 9 RB
DeMarco Murray DAL 11 RB
Giovani Bernard CIN 12 RB
Any order. This should be your flex – but, if you still don’t have a second RB, then you push these guys ahead of that QB-QB-TE group from just above.
Antonio Brown PIT 5 WR
Wes Welker DEN 9 WR
Hakeem Nicks NYG 9 WR
Pierre Garcon WAS 5 WR
Eric Decker DEN 9 WR
Steve Johnson BUF 12 WR
Danny Amendola NE 10 WR
Mike Wallace MIA 6 WR
Any order – if you don’t have your second receiver, still take that QB-QB-TE group ahead of this group. If you had 2 RB but only 1 WR and that previous RB group popped up, take that third RB ahead of this group.
Matthew Stafford DET 9 QB
Robert Griffin WAS 5 QB
Either order.
Torrey Smith BAL 8 WR
Tavon Austin STL 11 WR
Lance Moore NO 7 WR
Any order.
Eddie Lacy GB 4 RB
Darren Sproles NO 7 RB
Any order.
Andrew Luck IND 8 QB
Tony Romo DAL 11 QB
Russell Wilson SEA 12 QB
Rob Gronkowski NE 10 TE
So, this is important – you want to have a QB by now – this is where the cut line is between starters and backups. I had this exact decision and chose Luck; you could pick them in any order.
Mike Williams TB 5 WR
James Jones GB 4 WR
Cecil Shorts JAC 9 WR
Ahmad Bradshaw IND 8 RB
Daryl Richardson STL 11 RB
Sidney Rice SEA 12 WR
Kenny Britt TEN 8 WR
Any order, note I’m now mixing RB with WR depending on your roster needs. Watch the byes. It’s harder to get a back than a WR.
Mark Ingram NO 7 RB
DeSean Jackson PHI 12 WR
T.Y. Hilton IND 8 WR
Malcom Floyd SD 8 WR
Tony Gonzalez ATL 6 TE
Pierre Thomas NO 7 RB
Anquan Boldin SF 9 WR
Jason Witten DAL 11 TE
Miles Austin DAL 11 WR
Brian Hartline MIA 6 WR
Any order, watch the byes – note we have two more TE in this group, you wouldn’t draft one unless you were comfy at RB.
Emmanuel Sanders PIT 5 WR
Golden Tate SEA 12 WR
Ronnie Hillman DEN 9 RB
Michael Floyd ARI 9 WR
Ideally, these are bench guys. Any order.
Andy Dalton CIN 12 QB
Eli Manning NYG 9 QB
Ben Roethlisberger PIT 5 QB
Michael Vick PHI 12 QB
Vernon Davis SF 9 TE
If something has happened and you didn’t get one of the QB you needed to get, then you can’t wait – once that group is gone you dive into this group. Hopefully this instead becomes the first time you start considering backups. I got Vick. Any order.
Justin Blackmon JAC 9 WR
BenJarvus Green-Ellis CIN 12 RB
Shane Vereen NE 10 RB
Josh Gordon CLE 10 WR
Jacquizz Rodgers ATL 6 RB
Le’veon Bell PIT 5 RB
Backups. Any order. Byes. Note, Blackmon is out for 4 weeks, if somehow this is a starting spot, don’t pick him. You want him as depth.
E.J. Manuel BUF 12 QB
Matt Schaub HOU 8 QB
Joe Flacco BAL 8 QB
Backups. Any order. Byes.
Jeremy Kerley NYJ 10 WR
Denarius Moore OAK 7 WR
Andre Roberts ARI 9 WR
Greg Jennings MIN 5 WR
Jermichael Finley GB 4 TE
DeAndre Hopkins HOU 8 WR
Bryce Brown PHI 12 RB
Jacoby Jones BAL 8 WR
Kendall Wright TEN 8 WR
Nate Washington TEN 8 WR
Chris Givens STL 11 WR
Note, there’s a TE if you don’t have one, and you probably don’t. Any order. Byes. Ignore those gaps, this is one big group. There’s also a RB hiding in there.
Owen Daniels HOU 8 TE
Coby Fleener IND 8 TE
Greg Olsen CAR 4 TE
Antonio Gates SD 8 TE
If you don’t have a TE, you probably want one now.
Daniel Thomas MIA 6 RB
Bernard Pierce BAL 8 RB
Ben Tate HOU 8 RB
Rueben Randle NYG 9 WR
Stephen Hill NYJ 10 WR
Alshon Jeffery CHI 8 WR
Vincent Brown SD 8 WR
Brandon LaFell CAR 4 WR
More depth. Byes.
Terrelle Pryor OAK 7 QB
Josh Freeman TB 5 QB
Jay Cutler CHI 8 QB
Carson Palmer ARI 9 QB
Jake Locker TEN 8 QB
Any order.
Kyle Rudolph MIN 5 TE
Fred Davis WAS 5 TE
Jermaine Gresham CIN 12 TE
Brandon Pettigrew DET 9 TE
More TE, you’ll only want a backup in addition to your starter if you’re in a big league or have a lot of bench spots to fill
Greg Little CLE 10 WR
Darrius Heyward-Bey IND 8 WR
Ryan Broyles DET 9 WR
Mikel Leshoure DET 9 RB
Isaac Redman PIT 5 RB
Isaiah Pead STL 11 RB
Aaron Dobson NE 10 WR
Santonio Holmes NYJ 10 WR
Robert Woods BUF 12 WR
Mohamed Sanu CIN 12 WR
Michael Bush CHI 8 RB
Rod Streater OAK 7 WR
Johnathan Franklin GB 4 RB
One big group for depth, WR/RB. Any order.
Jordan Cameron CLE 10 TE
Jared Cook STL 11 TE
Heath Miller PIT 5 TE
Miller’s out first 4 weeks, ideally this is a backup TE group, but if you still need a starter, don’t pick him.
Bears D CHI 8 D
Matt Prater DEN 9 K
The Bears are probably gone. Prater probably isn’t.
Vick Ballard IND 8 RB
Fred Jackson BUF 12 RB
Danny Woodhead SD 8 RB
Bilal Powell NYJ 10 RB
Dwayne Allen IND 8 TE
Shonn Greene TEN 8 RB
Depth. Byes. This is really your last possibility at a starting TE.
Sam Bradford STL 11 QB
Ryan Tannehill MIA 6 QB
Philip Rivers SD 8 QB
Alex Smith KC 10 QB
This is really the last backup QB group. You only need one in a big league or one with lots of bench spots or if you waited to get one. If you picked Aaron Rodgers and are in a ten team league, you don’t need one.
Zach Sudfeld NE 10 TE
Davone Bess CLE 10 WR
Leonard Hankerson WAS 5 WR
Jason Avant PHI 12 WR
Josh Morgan WAS 5 WR
Deonte Thompson BAL 8 WR
Cordarrelle Patterson MIN 5 WR
Donnie Avery KC 10 WR
Knile Davis KC 10 RB
Scott Chandler BUF 12 TE
Kendall Hunter SF 9 RB
Brandon Myers NYG 9 TE
Markus Wheaton PIT 5 WR
Dexter McCluster KC 10 WR
Marcedes Lewis JAC 9 TE
Michael Crabtree SF 9 WR
Crabtree’s a lottery ticket.
Packers D GB 4 D
Texans D HOU 8 D
49ers D SF 9 D
Bengals D CIN 12 D
You only need to draft two defenses if you have a giant league, but if you do have a big league or a ton of bench spots and you don’t get a defense here, skip to the next defense section and get a defense. In fact, get two and matchup.
Santana Moss WAS 5 WR
Delanie Walker TEN 8 TE
Brandon Gibson MIA 6 WR
Tyler Eifert CIN 12 TE
Roy Helu WAS 5 RB
Kevin Ogletree TB 5 WR
Brian Quick STL 11 WR
Jarius Wright MIN 5 WR
Ed Dickson BAL 8 TE
T.J. Graham BUF 12 WR
Zac Stacy STL 11 RB
Tony Scheffler DET 9 TE
Zach Miller SEA 12 TE
Christine Michael SEA 12 RB
Stepfan Taylor ARI 9 RB
Benjamin Watson NO 7 TE
Jerricho Cotchery PIT 5 WR
Rob Housler ARI 9 TE
Robert Turbin SEA 12 RB
Depth. Any order.
Adam Vinatieri IND 8 K
Mason Crosby GB 4 K
Matt Bryant ATL 6 K
Stephen Gostkowski NE 10 K
Robbie Gould CHI 8 K
Kai Forbath WAS 5 K
Mike Nugent CIN 12 K
You don’t need two kickers – if you didn’t get Prater, get one from this group – if you did, ignore it. If they’re all gone, I have one last kicker group for you.
Ravens D BAL 8 D
Jets D NYJ 10 D
Seahawks D SEA 12 D
Patriots D NE 10 D
Giants D NYG 9 D
Bucs D TB 5 D
Dolphins D MIA 6 D
Chargers D SD 8 D
You definitely want at least your starting Defense out of this group.
Justin Tucker BAL 8 K
Sebastian Janikowski OAK 7 K
Steven Hauschka SEA 12 K
Randy Bullock HOU 8 K
Phil Dawson SF 9 K
Photo–Flickr/Theogeo
LOL,too late … should have read this before going to my sons house … we’ll see how it goes.