As SPSMM’s editor for contributions to the Good Men Project Magazine, I’d like to respond to some points made by Mr. Paul Elam (“Men and Violence: Blaming the Blameless“) in response to an article written by Chris Kilmartin, Ph.D., (“Violence Is a Men’s Issue“). Elam notes that Kilmartin did not explicitly reference any research in his article. It’s GMPM policy, obviously, to fact-check, but not require citations in the text of the article. And of course, we hope that GMPM readers interested in the topic would follow links back to the author’s homepage. Readers can also visit the free bibliographic service at Google Scholar, or view books listed by their favorite bookseller. Searches for “violence masculinity” at Google Scholar indicate nearly 87,000 references and at Amazon.com indicate nearly 500 titles, including Kilmartin’s three books.
Elam wants you to think about the issue in terms of men vs. women: who’s more likely to start violence, who’s more likely to engage in violence, and who’s more likely to get hurt. Those are important issues, but they aren’t the focus of Kilmartin’s article. Kilmartin argued that we need to stop the violence—one way to do that is for men to hold each other accountable. When men turn their ability for violence—which is supposed to be used to protect their country and loved ones—onto their partners or children, that’s masculinity gone bad. When men hurt their partners—the people we men are expected to protect—it looks bad for all men. And men are much more likely to cause damage that requires medical treatment, a point that Kilmartin and Elam agree on.
The idea that a small percentage of men can make all men look bad isn’t far fetched. The U.S. military understands this; the events of a small number of soldiers at My Lai and Abu Ghraib left the entire military with a proverbial black eye. In response, the military increased awareness, changed training, and prosecuted those whose misdeeds directly caused the problem. Kilmartin suggests that men do the same; we should make all men more aware and hold accountable those men who are violent and therefore make us all look bad.
Elam draws an interesting parallel with problems in the African American community. What folks in those communities realized was that they needed to take care of their own. Black communities throughout the U.S. have found a myriad of ways to try to prevent their young men from becoming violent and thus being killed or incarcerated (admittedly, some programs have been more effective than others). Kilmartin is arguing for the same: that we, as men, find ways to help other men refrain from violence. This seems to be especially problematic for Elam, who believes that men should “abandon any notion of commitment to women or vulnerability to them,” and who is “anti-marriage and anti-commitment to the core.” Like Kilmartin, I think that some of our society’s expectations of men contribute to the problem. And like Kilmartin, I think that we, as men, can and should help other men.
—Andrew Smiler, Ph.D.
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Andrew P. Smiler, Ph.D., is a visiting professor of psychology at Wake Forest University and the president-elect of SPSMM. More information is available on his website.
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This is a response to “Men and Violence: Blaming the Blameless,” which was a response to “Violence Is a Men’s Issue.” Paul Elam responds again, here.
About Andrew Smiler
In New South Wales in 2008 the ratio of women convicted of serious domestic violence assaults in NSW Courts is 1 woman for every 1.8 men. Thirty years ago this was 1 woman for every 8 men. Add to that the ABS figure that one quarter of violence against woman comes form other woman. Indeed the fastest growing source of violence against woman in Australia is….other woman.
The reality of modern day Australia makes a nonsense of the notion that IPV is a male issue. How can one eliminate violence against woman by ending male violence alone – it would still leave in place a full quarter of violence against woman.
This is why so many comments are saying that this is a community issue that should involve everyone not a gender issue to be used for male shaming!
Further, how do you ignore the male victims of domestic violence so easily. From your own research you know that violence against a spouse is repeated against the children in the same incidence and with the same pattern. If 3,000 woman were convicted of IPV assaults in NSW Courts in 2008 then that is a potential 3000 families in which the mother is harming her children – and thats just the physical harm.
By taking such a sexist attitude to IPV you are not only ignoring the thousands of male victims that these conviction by definition prove exist you are exposing their children to continued abuse. What a low, cowardly act from people who we should be relying on for truth, courage and leadership.
I hope that 30 pieces of silver feels good in your pocket for your soul is empty..
Andrew. I would be interested in knowing when we can expect SPSMM’s next article to GMPM. Kilmartin has clearly chosen to take his articles to locations where he does not need to fear his “facts” being challenged (due to a lack of comments section http://www.nomas.org/node/90 ), but I remain curious as to how you have/will respond to the suggestions made for you.
There’s another dimension to violence awareness that’s a men’s issue: Toxic women. There are many good women in the world, but there are also the toxic women. The manipulators, instigators, “domestic terrorists”. We often make excuses for women when they do horrible things. When women commit violent acts, we as men, and women too!, don’t hold women up to the same standards as we do men. For example, if women bludgeon a man to death with a sledge hammer our response is to say, “let’s pray for her”?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xE8BUHKRr-E&feature=player_embedded
We can pray for her, but only when we pray for the male pedophiles and rapists. When women attack men we assume he did something to deserve it: As bad as murder is, cheating is an “understandable” motivation to drive a woman to it; If we see a woman hitting a man, he must of done something stupid like left his socks on the floor for the fiftieth time after she made it quiet clear they go in the hamper. A long suffering woman can only take so much! “When women resort to violence, some man must of driven her there!” is the narrative of our culture. Yet, as men, we all know how ruthlessly persistent a woman can be in getting her way. We accept it and don’t speak out against that kind of toxic behavior. So when a woman develops a flaming personality disorder that sends the lives of people around her in to turmoil for her selfish behavior, we don’t hold her accountable for it. We don’t ask if toxic personality disorders drove a man to violence, even in self defense. No, we make excuses and “pray for her”.
I think it’s our responsibility to put a stop to that kind of passive aggressive violence which is mostly invisible for fear of being accused of “hating women”. Will you put a poster up on the wall at your University raising awareness of this crisis?