With our record a paltry 2-5, we’re trying something different this week. We are picking every game on Sunday and Monday. This is easily the most ill-advised decision we’ve ever made, but when you’re sitting at 2-5, you’re willing to do anything to right the ship. This could turn out really well or—more likely—it will end in tears and broken friendships. But, like a car crash, you won’t be able to look away. So please read on and join us in subjective, moralistic fandom this Sunday and Monday.
New Orleans Saints at Baltimore Ravens
I won’t waste your time. Here’s why we won’t pick the Ravens. And remember when everyone loved the Saints in the Super Bowl? Well, nothing’s changed. The team is still pretty awesome. Everyone still loves Drew Brees, the Saints’ leader and quarterback. And how can you not? He’s the most polite person in the world. Seriously.
Arizona Cardinals at Carolina Panthers
There’s a very good chance that this will be the least-watched game of the season. Both of these teams are awful. Anyone who watches this is either an absolute die-hard or someone whose remote broke while the TV was stuck on this game. Anyway, we’re going with the Cardinals. John Skelton is starting the second game of his career. He’s a rookie quarterback from Fordham. Yes, Fordham still has a football team.
Cleveland Browns at Cincinnati Bengals
Colt McCoy, the Browns’ rookie quarterback, is back. We love good names, and Colt McCoy is the ultimate name for a quarterback—is it not? A few years ago he even swam 300 yards to save a man’s life. Also, Cleveland has a running back named Peyton Hillis. He’s the first white running back to run for 1,000 yards since 1982. He scares me, so we’re going with Cleveland.
Washington Redskins at Dallas Cowboys
Have you seen these clips from Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders: Making the Team? Those judges are downright vicious. Am I reaching here? Most definitely, but we will never pick a team that once employed Nate Newton. And is there a more distressing figure in sports than Donovan McNabb? It seems like absolutely nothing can go right for the guy. The Skins are the pick.
Jacksonville Jaguars at Indianapolis Colts
This might be the game of the weekend, with the winner probably going on to win the AFC South. This year’s Colts aren’t the Colts you know. They’re just not that good—and they’re not that likeable. Jacksonville is the choice. Jack Del Rio, the Jaguars’ coach, once left a symbolic tree stump implanted with an axe in the middle of their locker room. Even if it cost Chris Hanson his season, it’s still pretty damn cool.
Buffalo Bills at Miami Dolphins
You have to feel bad for Bills fans. The weather is miserable and so is the team. However, their quarterback is a Harvard grad and, while it might be just another reason to hate that pretentious school, we think it’s pretty impressive. We might’ve picked the Dolphins if they had updated their uniforms since 1965 and didn’t pay this guy.
Philadelphia Eagles at New York Giants
I get it. Michael Vick plays for the Eagles. He was in prison. He tortured dogs, and he now wants to own one again. So, by picking the Eagles here, we might be upsetting some people, but that happens fairly often around here. Vick’s story is actually a great one. I’m not going to repeat it, but he’s playing better than he ever has—after going to jail. Also, the Giants knocked me out of the survivor pool I was in. So, if I could use that as a reason to pick the Eagles, I would. I won’t, but we’re still going with the Eagles. Confused yet?
Kansas City Chiefs at St. Louis Rams
Chiefs coach Todd Haley is crazy. But then again, what NFL coach isn’t? Last year, he handed some random dude in Kansas City a stack of $20 bills. Random acts of kindness don’t go unnoticed over here, so we’re picking Kansas City. The Rams are fine, but I don’t see any of their coaches handing out money on streets of St. Louis. Steve Spagnuolo, that is a challenge.
Detroit Lions at Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Detroit is a historically bad franchise. They’ve got some good young talent, and it looked like they might have a franchise quarterback in Matt Stafford. Unfortunately, he can’t stay healthy. Stafford might need to start covering himself in bubble wrap or something. Not a lot has gone well for Detroit, so they’re our choice. LaGarrette Blount is Tampa Bay’s running back. That automatically disqualified them.
Houston Texans at Tennessee Titans
It’s Finnegan-Johnson, round two. Johnson won the first round, and we’re backing him to win again. Go with the Texans.
Atlanta Falcons at Seattle Seahawks
These are two seemingly harmless teams. The Falcons are really good and the Seahawks are decidedly mediocre. We love Matt Ryan, Michael Turner, and Tony Gonzalez, but we’re going with Seattle here. Meet Marshawn Lynch. He might be a fool, but damn, does he make us laugh.
Denver Broncos at Oakland Raiders
The Broncos just fired their coach, Josh McDaniels, after less than two seasons. He was arrogant, he drafted Tim Tebow, traded Peyton Hillis, and he didn’t report one of his assistants for videotaping a 49ers practice. But we won’t award management for backtracking on an originally dumb hiring, so we’re going with Oakland. The team is actually decent, Darren McFadden is great, and I really don’t want to upset any of their fans.
New York Jets at Pittsburgh Steelers
This is the toughest pick of the week. Big Ben has been accused of rape—twice. But Sal Aloisi made this a lot harder than it should’ve been. So, we’re going to try to make history here. We are picking a tie. Yes, a tie. So, when you’re watching, you will root for whatever team is losing—until the game is tied. Once it’s tied, root for the defense, but don’t root for them to cause a turnover and take it back or a touchdown. Simple enough, right?
Green Bay Packers at New England Patriots
This is the easiest pick of the week. The Patriots are the best team in the NFL. The Packers have been crushed by injuries, but they’re still in the playoff picture. And now Aaron Rodgers, their star quarterback, might miss the game due to a concussion. In his place would be Matt Flynn, who’s thrown for 246 yards … in his entire career. It probably won’t be pretty, but we’re taking the Packers.
Chicago Bears at Minnesota Vikings
Allow me to be the 568th person to say that the Vikings’ season is literally falling apart. Brett Favre texted penis pictures. Head coach Brad Childress was fired. The Metrodome collapsed. Favre missed a game due to injury for the first time since the Roman Empire fell. Favre’s backup, Tavaris Jackson, is now hurt, so they’re scrambling to find a quarterback. We actually feel bad for these guys. And the Bears screwed us over last week, so Minnesota is the pick.