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I’ve been thinking about Tom Matlack’s piece, “What If It Had Been a Girl In the Shower?” and wondering what it is, exactly, that caused the grown man who witnessed this hideous, horrible act of cruelty and exploitation to walk away? Was it reverence for his coach? Was it fear of retribution? Or was it, as Tom suggested, a complication of our society’s fear, or even just misunderstanding of, homosexuality?
I think what I’m most interested in here is the idea that the same-sex nature of abuser and victim somehow caused a sense of shame within the witnessed that ran deep enough for him to run away and keep it a secret. Perhaps that shame came from a larger and more profound shame about any sort of same-sex activity, perhaps it came from a disbelief that this piece of sh** assailant would have an interest in ANYONE male, let alone a child.
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What I wonder about is the fear upon the realization of the vulnerability of male to be victimized. I wonder if this is why men (in general) often have a hard time accepting that men can be raped by women. Or why they often wonder whether male victims of male sexual perps were somehow “gay” and therefore “wanted” it.
What would the average straight male in our society be forced to feel if he realized that men are, in fact, vulnerable? They may know it intellectually (“sure it COULD happen, but it seems pretty unlikely”), but not truly realize the reality of sexual abuse upon males. You guys (men, in general) have been the ones in control of sexuality for thousands of years, as a group. Even though abuse of men and boys has always been true, and has ALWAYS been wrong, sexual politics and sexual power have been controlled by men as a group as long as history has been recorded, in most societies.
What if that security were suddenly undermined right in your face? What if you’d been taught to protect girls, to never hit a lady, to respect your elders, and you walked in to have everything you believed crumble from underneath you? This witness should have punched him, should have done ANYTHING physically possible to get that piece of sh** away from that child and all children. His lack of effective prevention of further crimes should be criminal in and of itself.
However, upon examining how sexual politics may have affected his psychology at that moment, we can maybe further understand why it may have been different were it a girl. He had probably heard his Dad say, “protect your sister” or “never let a guy hurt a girl” or “never hit a girl”. He may have known, intrinsically, that this girl needed protecting, and there may not have been that undercurrent of confusing psychology that prevented him from murdering that piece of sh** (can you tell I find it hard to even utter that disgusting person’s name?).
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I teach my two boys not to protect girls, but to protect anyone who is being done wrong. I teach them to always defend one another and to stand by one another. Never once have I said, “You don’t hit girls.” I say, “You don’t hit people, unless you need to protect your body from being hurt.”
This is what I’ve been mulling over since I read Tom’s fantastic piece. Agree or disagree, it presents important lessons for those of us who are parents.
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photo by chegs/flickr
I personally think that this issue goes beyond sexual abuse. There is an undercurrent in our society that says it’s okay for males to be hurt or injured, but there’s something horrific if a female gets hurt or injured. We can see it sports and the army in varying degrees. For example, one subject I like to discuss with people is the idea that women be accepted into professional team sports, like hockey (I have multiple reasons for this, but that’s another comment). First, I’m told there’s no way that a woman could keep up, but then I throw at… Read more »
I apologize for the tangent about to ensue. I agree it’s odd how injury or pain in men is tolerated or even celebrated in men, but is considered horrific for women, but I’m itching to reply to a different part of that comment: First, I’m told there’s no way that a woman could keep up, but then I throw at them that lots of mediocre male hockey players get to make a decent living, even when they’re not Wayne Gretzky or Sidney Crosby. The glitch in that argument is that at the pro level, you’re talking about outliers on the… Read more »
Abuse by any sex is wrong love and respect across the sexes is the only way forward.
we need education on this subject from school onwards
Joanna – I do find this preoccupation with gender, assault, reaction and people attempting to make it different for different genders very worrying. I have had to deal directly with both male and female victims of sexual assault as a first responder, and there really is no gender difference. I have also been involved with witnesses and again there is no gender difference. It does not matter the gender of the victim or the gender or assailant or the gender of the witness. It’s what has happened and how it makes the person think and feel about themselves that is… Read more »
Thanks for writing this. My son was abused in our hometown school system, by a male swimming instructor through the local aquatic center and the mindset you wrote about is EXACTLY why we dealt with a nightmarish situation and full scale denial by the school system in question.
AJ, I am incredibly and profoundly sorry that your family went through that. What hell. I hope he is recovering okay and obviously you’re an engaged parent who is capable of providing him the emotional support necessary to help him rebound as best as possible. I’m really glad that my comment meant something to you and hopefully it proves helpful to understanding the shameful undercurrent to recognizing the possibility of abuse in all forms. I don’t know what’s the right answer, my thoughts are merely theories and questions. Healing energy coming your family’s way (So hippy skippy of me, I… Read more »