I know next to nothing about marriage. My longest relationship has been the kind that I’m compelled to describe as “on again, off again,” and the concept of devoting a lifetime to someone (who isn’t myself) is like an alien intrusion. It fell out of nowhere, it’s steaming in my front yard, and the only interaction I’ve had with it so far is to poke it with a stick.
So when I read this piece in YourTango about premarital counseling, I was surprised to find that A) it legitimately exists, and B) I’m in full support of it. In a culture that obsesses over Internet reviews before committing to buy the latest iProduct, why do we insulate ourselves against help for something as serious as marriage? As writer and life coach Zoe Saint Paul says in the article,
People train and prepare for marathons, jobs, trips, and more. But then they treat marriage as though it’s just something we’re all naturally good at. There is no more challenging—and rewarding—marathon than marriage, and if we’re wise, we’ll prepare for it wisely.
It seems ludicrously simple. And yet, not many people seek it out. As YourTango put it:
Some are turned off by the stigma, believing that seeking professional help indicates they’re somehow deficient. Others balk at the high cost of counseling, preferring to spend their money elsewhere.
Or, most commonly, couples just don’t think they need it. As one young, recently engaged woman stated, “We’re not anti-premarital counseling—[my fiancé and I are] just very much on the same page with everything. We just feel there’s not much that a counselor needs to delve into with us.” This attitude—while romantic—may explain why 41 percent of marriages fizzle after the first few years.
Which is why states are beginning to pen legislation that would penalize couples for not checking in with a counselor before tying the knot. Texas has been a frontrunner in this movement (although it’s been wildly unpopular) and other states like Minnesota and Florida have begun to offer significant discounts on marriage licenses if the couples agree to a set number of counseling hours. But only 15 percent of married couples have participated.
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Amanda Marcotte wrote an intriguing piece over at Slate’s DoubleX yesterday, urging for the retooling of media’s take on divorce. She notes that coverage like this Huffington Post article about a divorce study glosses over the researchers’ lack of alarm, instead portraying the study as “pessimistic” and paradoxical. Here’s an excerpt of her argument:
I like to reframe divorce in this way: Stop thinking of divorce as a problem, and consider that it’s actually a solution to the real problem, which is bad marriages. Sure, terminating a relationship is a miserable endeavor, but it’s better than the usual alternative, which is an unhappy relationship.
While I agree with Marcotte to an extent, doesn’t it make more sense to nip problems early? In my case, once I’ve prodded open that alien commitment, determined that it’s not armed and hostile … shouldn’t the next step be to ask for help?
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Should Paternity Testing be required before the birth certificate is signed?
I give lectures/seminars on the subject of marriage and relationships
based on my book: http://www.TheFourSteps.com
You can see a short clip of my talk at: http://goo.gl/NAH1d
If you are interested in working together you can contact me:
Sam Krause
[email protected]
My friend is in love with a girl and they both want to married with each other but I suggested him that marriage counseling is required before tying the knot.
I agree that at the very least the couple should go over the marriage license with someone, because it is a legal contract with all sorts of fine print. In many states, the marriage license states some basic rights in it that many people would need to hear, it seems to me. My wife and I joke about our marriage license, which said something like “you are not someone else’s property. Your spouse does not have the legal right to beat you.” My issue with mandatory counseling is who will be in charge of that? Will there be a state-legislature-determined… Read more »
Definitely a great idea. Most divorces that occur had the seeds of divorce already present before the marriage, and they possibly could have been rooted out or identified before the marriage.
“If the media did promote marriage the way modern women tend to view it, many men wouldnt take the risk in the first place.” Doesn’t it already? Look at the prime time sitcoms on tv….the working formula is smart savvy beautiful woman with a semi-glamourous job married to an average to less than average looking man of less than average intelligence who is, at best, an incompetent bumbling overgrown child who needs to be directed and ‘mothered’ by his wife. She is portrayed as being the one in control of the finances, the children, the entertainment, and the sex. Idk… Read more »
All I have to say on this topic is that my wife and I did counselling and marriage prep class before getting married. In both cases it brought up issue we had to discuss and work through. We did and we have been married for 7 years now without any major conflict because we knew where we stood on issue before getting married.
If nothing else, people should at least be required to take a class explaining the legal ramifications of marriage. Upon marriage, one enters into a very serious legal contract with all kinds of default terms, and most of the time, those parties have no idea what those terms are. You go through more paperwork signing up for a gym membership than you do getting married. And other than marriage, there is no form of contract where the law would uphold such significant unwritten and implied terms. When you get married, you’re giving the government permission to apply the force of… Read more »
You should have a blog.
No, counseling shouldn’t be required. Of course divorce belt states want it.. you have people getting married way too young, not having been in relationships, not having had much life experience.
PLUS, these are states with a large Christian contingent, some of whom are trying to promote ‘covenant marriages.’ These are marriages where divorce is near impossible.
Can it be encouraged? Sure. But requiring it is intrusive, promoting of the wedding industrial complex, and reflective of how we should be less concerned with society forcing people into marriage, and more about society promoting people’s personal freedoms.
Yes . . . counseling should be required. After a couple marries and then troubles arise, we have no hesitation telling them right off that they should go get some counseling. Why wait until that point when it is easy, through pre-marital counseling to help equip them with skills that can keep small problems from becoming destructive. I remember the suggestion from a counselor that I should “give . . . give in . . . forgive . . . and never keep score.” I didn’t realize how thankful I would be that my wife heard the same words. All… Read more »
.I not convinced (mandatory) training, counseling, etc helps. As you mention, the issue is really a cultural mindset relationships (and parenting) is easy, or that it’s expected that you will just know how. What is needed is an expectation that it’s going to be a challenge and that you will need to reflect, have an open mind, and put in hard work. If you do not have this attitude, counseling is not going to amount to much. Like parenting, having a good relationship is an ongoing process. It’s not something you can learn in a pre-marriage session and just get… Read more »
The notion of a marriage counseling session for the soon-to-be wed ‘makes sense’ in the same way that sex education `makes sense’ for high school students. Logically, knowing what to expect, what can happen and what the road looks like 3,5 and 15 years out on the marital trip gives perspective, pause and perhaps valuable catalyst for reflection. But consider that while sex education is basically hardwired into the secondary school curriculum, the rate of unwanted teen pregnancies have not abated and the incidence of casual, careless sexual intercourse between teens seems to be ever more the dominant behavior. Any… Read more »
But teen pregnancies are worse in areas with abstinence only curricula.
About unwanted teen pregnancy, it’s worth pointing out that in countries that put more emphasis on sex education and notably where it’s common for parents to have a positive attitude to teenage sexual relations have substantial lower teen pregnancy rates than the US.
It seems to me that women are the ones who fail to understand marriage. They marry a man who acts like a man, thinks like a man, talks like a man and argues like a man, and then immediately set about trying to turn him into a woman. Popular culture and formal education both teach women that the way men talk, think, act, communicate and argue is wrong. Because they’re men. The way women talk, think, act, communicate and argue is right. Because we’re women. So the solution to any conflict, or even in the absence of conflict, is to… Read more »
I agree with marrying a person for who he is. However, sometimes a man’s natural fight/flight instinct is alien to his woman’s discuss/nest instinct. Therefore, BOTH genders must take difficult steps AWAY from their instincts to become a strong interdependent force; this isn’t about making men into women, it’s about opposing tendencies meeting comfortably somewhere in the middle. That means, ladies, you must learn to allow your man to express his anger in non-pretty ways and to have a messy den; This also means, men, that you must learn to quell your temper, and make a reasonable effort to comfort… Read more »
Oh, and I totally agree – the women’s magazines I skim through have ALWAYS seemed to have a blatant sexist attitude toward men… and themselves as women!