Apparently I am a single man!
Now, regular readers will be thinking “wait, we’ve been referring to you as ‘zie’ this whole time in vain and we can actually just use he?” And assholes will be all “you still have a
vulva rancid kebab, slut!” And everyone will be all “you are dating multiple people and therefore are kind of the opposite of a single person.”
But Ian Fortney has proved that I am, in fact, a man. I don’t remember dates either! (Seriously, the only reason I remembered Father’s Day is next week is because I had to write an article about it for Role/Reboot.) I don’t know what all of those toiletries do! I think that we don’t really need twelve thousand kinds of pads, particularly when I’m shopping for them! I too remain somewhat confused about what the difference between a ‘Capri’ and a ‘gaucho’ is!
But the thing is that there are lots of men who understand the difference between different kinds of pants! Perhaps I have a biased sample, as I am friends with several dandies and can find out more-or-less on demand in what circumstances one is supposed to doff their hat. But there are all kinds of dudes who have, like, serious opinions about what pants one is supposed to wear with what outfit.
And don’t get me started on the beauty industry thing. Noah Brand and I were having a conversation ages and ages ago in which he mourned that because he was staying someplace he was lacking the appropriate lack-of-hair care products, and I was like “…I thought the whole point of being bald was so that you didn’t have to pay any attention to it.” It cuts even shampoo out of your beauty routine! Apparently not, for people who are not as lazy as I am, which includes a fuckton of dudes.
The dates thing is just… blatantly misandric. Here, let me pull out a paragraph for you:
Dudes are better with spatial memory and facts. Trying to remember dates requires a whole different set of brains than what men have, so dates, especially dates they haven’t had to remember since childhood, get pushed aside for facts about how many actors were hurt on set during the filming of Predator.
Yes. All men are clinically mentally disabled about remembering dates. This definitely seems plausible and not remotely sexist at all.
Oh, by the way, the research he used as a citation? Is about how if you remove two genes from male mice they won’t be able to solve mazes as well, but if you remove those two genes from female mice they still will. In other news, people who like My Little Pony are better at rational thinking because if you remove two genes from hamsters they no longer think lettuce tastes good.
Finally! Pads! Okay, that one’s fair, I don’t think many cis dudes know much about pads unless they’re, like, the CEO of Kotex. The reason we have huge pads, btw, is because your pussy will generally insist on bleeding on the exact location on your underwear not covered by any pads, this being some kind of Murphy’s Law of Bleeding Out the Crotch, and some people were like “fuck it” and decided to cover every area of their pussy. Panty liners exist because for a few days after the period ends your crotch will still decide to bleed randomly. And a lot of the reason we have four thousand different brands is, in fact, marketing.
…God. Fuck vulvas. They suck.