Recently, the inimitable Captain Awkward provided advice to a gentleman who was flirted with somewhat avidly but didn’t end up having sex with the lady in question, and feels somewhat wrong about all of this. I’d just like to signal-boost this bit right here:
Fallacy #1: ”Young heterosexual dudes are up for sex all the time, and if a hot girl even smiles at them they are ready, willing, and able. If you’re not, something must be wrong with you. Are you sure you’re not gay, dude?”
Yeah, nothing is wrong with you if you don’t want to have sex with someone even if they maybe want to have sex with you. When you are young and not-so-experienced, it’s easy for every encounter or possible encounter to feel like a referendum on Masculinity or Prowess or Who You Are And Will Be Forever. When you are older and more experienced, you might still get that feeling sometimes and it’s usually a sign that something is off – when there is pressure to “perform” in a certain way everything is less fun for everyone. Relax. You’ll get a lot of chances at this.
Yep. There is no requirement to have sex.
Things that not having had sex in a while, or even ever, does not mean:
- You’re unattractive.
- You’re not masculine enough.
- No one wants to have sex with you.
- You’re a loser.
- You’re a failure.
- You’re going to be alone and sexless forever.
- You’re going to be alone and sexless next week.
Things that not having had sex in a while means:
- You haven’t had sex in a while, or even ever.
Look. Not having sex sucks. I get it. I’m going through a bit of semi-voluntary celibacy at the moment, and it’s getting so I want to fuck vegetables and/or inappropriate people and/or inappropriate vegetables. And even worse than the physical aspect is the psychological aspect. You don’t feel loved or wanted or desired. For men, in particular, a lot of being a Real Man is tied up in being able to get sex with hot ladies more-or-less on demand, and you feel like if you can’t do that you’re a failure.
But all of that crud… it’s your brain. It’s not objective reality. It is your mind telling you things that are probably not true.
There are lots of reasons why people don’t get laid much. A general dislike of leaving the house or meeting new people, prioritizing different things in their lives, not being willing to ask people out, only being attracted to a small percentage of people, and so on and so forth. You’ll notice that none of those reasons are “they are terrible, ugly people.” That’s because none of the people I have met who are incredibly unsuccessful at dating are terrible, ugly people. In fact, some of them are the kindest, smartest, most interesting, and prettiest people I’ve met.
And what if your celibacy is voluntary or semi-voluntary? Holy shit, man. Men are supposed to love casual sex! And if you have an opportunity for casual sex and you turn it down, because you don’t like casual sex or you weren’t really attracted to that lady or you just didn’t want to, it is time to REVOKE ALL THE MAN CARDS FOREVER. I have slept with quite a few dudes who didn’t actually like or want casual sex, but felt like they should.
That is not a good plan. Sex you don’t really want is sex you won’t really enjoy. “Well, at least I’ll lose my virginity/break my dry spell/get laid” is a terrible mindset to enter a sexual relationship with. I mean, it’s not going to ruin your sex life forever, but the chance is that you’re going to find it unsatisfying. “Holy shit! Sex! This is awesome!” is much better. And if you’re not ready for sex, or still not over your ex, or only desirous of sex in intimate relationships, or whatever, it is perfectly okay to say no. There will be other opportunities to have sex. I promise.
A final note: whenever I find people incessantly complaining about how little sex they’re having, my first impulse is to say “I can correct that problem!” I wish that were generally considered a polite reaction…
About ozyfrantz
As far as the scarcity thing is concerned.
I think what is happening is that some guys who have little to no fortune in the realm of sex and relationships are treating the apparent way that women seem to have an easier time finding sex as having an easier time finding meaningful sex.
Kinda like, “You have more opportunities than I do, so you must be getting more positive results.” While this can hold true on a case to case basis, it’s a stretch to flatly declare that is does hold true overall.
Of course increased opportunity doesn’t necessarily equal increased results and things get real hairy because the definition of “meaningful” can vary from person to person.
I found this site & have literally been devouring it and everyones’ conversations here as if it were a tall glass of water in the desert. I am a 40-year-old woman trying to be a better human being. I am confused and desperately trying to understand men better. I am grateful, and would like to thank everyone here for their braveness to openly write about their pain, frustration, and confusion regarding sex. So far, this is the longest thread I’ve been tracking. I have read every comment. I believe the more we continue to argue who has it worse, men or women, the more divided we become. It is not easy for any human being who is without companionship and intimacy, and our culture has made it as such. Your discussions are the beginnings of change. Thank you.
For every 1 man that is “not getting laid,” there is a 1 man not having sex—not being nurtured, caressed, held, listened to, accepted, enjoyed, cherished, loved, nor seen. For every 1 woman that is “not getting laid,” it is the same. I believe we do a disservice to ourselves when we start to argue math or statistics regarding these subjects. Math is *a language* we use to keep airplanes in the sky, do business transactions, and abstract our location in the universe. Math and statistics are helpful for giving blanket statements to initiate a discussion. Math is good for clinical trials. But, statistics frequently dehumanize individuals, invalidating the uniqueness of their beauty or pain. I am witnessing some comments here where it looks like one person or another is feeling invalidated and not heard (not seen) with every comment. I am witnessing pain and loneliness. One of the most painful things a human can experience is not being seen or understood.
I have gone from being a lifeguard and a model to a sick, depressed, obese person. I witnessed myself transform from being in a body where I got what felt like overwhelmingly too much attention, to becoming completely invisible. I became a non-person, simply because my outsides changed. I’ve returned from the land of being sick, obese, & invisible, but still I will experience periods of such loneliness that I feel I could just break in half. I have been so lonely and desperate for companionship, touch, and comfort, that I would take comfort in the only touch that I had: someone else having to sit or stand next to me on a crowded train, bus, or airplane. I had no touch otherwise. No physical intimacy, sexual or non-sexual. None. It is devastating for the human condition & experienced differently by everyone.
I would think, “Please, lift your head, look up at me, smile, or talk to me. I’m here. I’m the same as you. Will someone please see me. Will someone try to look. Will someone please smile and say ‘good morning’. Will people please stop thinking I’m a weirdo for trying to initiate a conversation on my bus ride home from work.” Loneliness is something that can be experienced as an individual, but it is also contagious within a population, like smoking.
If you look at photographs of men from the time when the camera was just invented, you will see men with their arms around each other, touching or holding each other, showing affection. It was completely “normal” socially for men to express affection with each other with touch. I don’t know exactly the date, (1800-something) when homosexuality was a word that was coined and then “normal” intimacy between men which was going on since man became man was suppressed. The only culturally-sanctioned intimacy available came from a religiously-sanctioned relationship (marriage,) or heterosexual sex. Intimacy between men was ruled as “disgusting, unnatural, pathological” homosexuality. Now the predominant socially acceptable (insert average statistic here) norm for touch between males who have outgrown the comfort & safety of their mothers is some kind of dramatic sport, or sex. Thassit. We’re bombarded with hyper-sex in the media, but contradicted with a totally non-logical shaming of the sexual impulse. Now so many non-sexual interactions between men and women are lumped into one classification: sexual. Initiating a conversation: sexual. Looking at someone: sexual. WTF. There’s no breathing room for people to be otherwise. How did all types of companionship or intimacy become all boxed into sex? (Except for women, as we can walk around holding hands, touching each other, go to the bathroom together, etc.)This is so wrong and such a disservice to all humans.
Also, during the entire time humans have been walking around the planet, there are people who do not get sex. Not to sound callous, but by design, Nature is not exactly fair. There is no sexual partner for *everyone.* Some people will not have sex & that is the nature of things. But it is wholly unnatural and wrong for a culture to deny men/people other kinds of intimacy.
Yes, it is somewhat “easier” to just have sex. Rub pink parts together. “Masturbate” with another human being. But, seriously, how do you really know you’re going to have “bad” sex without having it? Unless the fact is that *you* won’t have any good sex unless you have emotional intimacy first, which takes time. I honestly am a little put off by this opening statement of basically “I have no sympathy for someone complaining about not getting laid.” What does that really say? They don’t have any sympathy for someone experiencing pain due to lack of physical intimacy. That’s kind of…well, yuck.
I don’t know how to fix this. I’d perhaps say start by: Lift your head. Be open to connecting with people. Try taking out your earbuds on your commutes. Do not assume being approached by the opposite sex is only for/about sex. Try to see people. The more you look, listen, & try to understand others, the more you’ll realize we are all in this together. We are not so separate. Then relationships, intimacy, and hopefully some sex will come. This desperate separation is artificial, imposed, unhealthy. I feel like I am a feminist in the sense that I wish to empower the manifestation of feminine energy in all humans, as we are all infinite manifestations of the varied mixes of the divine masculine and feminine. (Everything else regarding equality I think should be called the “humanist” movement, but that is a different topic.) Like any living creature or ecosystem we need balance between the prime energies for wellness & happiness—for homeostasis. When wearing my feminist hat, I believe it’s my “job” to support love, intimacy, & touch between men, which is one reason why I am here, devouring this website and all it’s discussions. I’d like to be a better Feminist. It is so wrong that the only culturally acceptable outlet for men to have intimacy is sex, but denied intimacy between brothers, fathers & sons, cousins, best friends, mentors, etc. We’ve got an epidemic of intimacy & touch-deprived human beings, and I’d like to do something about it…
…So I did. I became a Licensed Massage Practitioner. (I didn’t become a LMP for the sole purpose of touching sex-deprived people, but to help people have less pain.) You can look at a whole slue of scientific studies (try PubMed online) that report scientifically how good for the body & psyche a massage 1x/week or even just 2x/month is. I am not talking about anything sexual, I am talking about providing your body with the wholly needed stimulus of human touch required during their entire lifespan. DO NOT ASK YOUR MASSAGE PRACTITIONER FOR *ANY* KIND “SEXUAL RELEASE.” It is entirely inappropriate and not legal here in the US. 1 full-body, swedish relaxation massage per week can provide the stimulation to the parasympathetic nervous system (something that happens during sex also) that *every* body needs. Try to include massage of your abdomen, where we hold much pain and tension (also your back is directly connected to your abdomen so that will help with chronic low back pain.) Massage is also proven to improve circulation, sleep, decrease anxiety & pain, among other things. Many insurance companies now cover massage. You can go to your PHCP and ask for a prescription for massage simply for mental health reasons. I have several clients that are without injury or pain but are essentially “touch starved,” and understand that it’s a good health habit to recieve massage. I provide a safe space of acceptance and gratitude for them to receive healing, therapeutic touch. It helps tremendously. I encourage people who are touch & intimacy starved to give it a try. Try giving your body some of the physical stimulus of human touch it needs. Massage is perhaps the oldest documented health care practice.
I’m saying a prayer for everyone here: “Please send everyone here their own tall glass of water while they are in this desert.”
Thank you. (& TY for tolerating my long-windedness.)
Bravo!
What a deep and profound understanding of the human condition.
Thank you so much.
Bravo. I am fortunate to live in a world with human beings such as yourself. I am too moved to stay in this mental spot. I must move on now. Thank you.
In our society I think sex has too much significance in terms of relationships, and not enough in terms of building simple human connection.
There is too much emphasis placed on having monogamy, a long-term relationship or marriage as the ultimate goal, so when anyone is engaged in pursuits of a sexual nature it is expected that their goal is to find 1 person to be with forever. For some people, I think this causes the starvation described where you lack physical connection with people. It is because of the emphasis placed on simple touching that invokes implications bigger and more emotionally daunting than people should have to consider. Like, if I sleep with him/her at this point is it too early, will he/she think I’m just a slut/player? Will they lose interest if we don’t do it? Will she think I am gay if I don’t make a move?
I spent the majority of my college years pursuing girls for purely ego-driven sexual conquests and I can honestly say I never enjoyed any of the sex, and I’m sure none of the girls really enjoyed it either, because most of the time I was doing it out of being conditioned to believe as a man, I am supposed to want and pursue sex anytime it was possible. I got laid a lot. It was never memorable and I remember especially after my freshman year, I went home for the summer and did not know how to relate to girls outside of the college party atmosphere. It ate me up. I felt like a total loser and I realized how I missed the point. It’s not about me or her, it’s about us, together, sharing and communicating. That connection that develops in those rare situations when two people have the same approach, expectations, attraction and motivation are what eludes most of us in our romantic pursuits. We are too often saddled with the belief in formulaic approaches (often from media, films, tv, etc. ) that fail, and with expectations of something so profoundly grand as finding that 1 person who is perfect. And we also have unreasonable views on what is attractive or what we should find attractive, which then clouds our motivation. We are driven to fulfill an image and that leads us further away from individually understanding who we are, what we like, and how we prefer to seek what makes us happy.