Ozy Franz tears apart an article on relationship advice and puts it back together again.
I know, I know, picking on evopsych garbage in low-end women’s online magazines is like picking on a chocolate-splattered toddler with her hands tied behind her back. But never let it be said that Ozy Frantz ever left a fish in a barrel unshot.
Although we’ve evolved from our cave-dwelling days, genes still trigger modern-day gaffes… Blame the miscommunication on age-old “hunter” and “gatherer” traits, she says.
…This is going to be good.
Women get a dopamine hit and build bonds through conversation. The average man doesn’t get that same high. “Men don’t understand that women talk to connect,” Love says. “A man thinks she is talking to tell him something.”
No, actually, dopamine has been linked to sociability for people of all genders, even ignoring the obvious reality that we don’t fucking know how most of the brain works. Dopamine seems to be involved in the reward system somehow, but exactly what it does hasn’t been discovered yet.
Also, um, most of the time when people are talking, they are talking for Reasons. Admittedly, I am just a poor nonbinary, I do not understand the strange ways of “men” and “women,” but when I share EVERYTHING IS BOOBS AND NOTHING HURTS with my partners I am doing it both to tell them about the bizarre array of products that come in boob-shape and to connect to them with this strange human emotion we call ‘humor.’ Men are capable of connecting with their partners! They are not Practicality Robots!
Three simple words are magic for women, Love says: “Tell me more.”
Or you could… listen? Oh, silly me, women are just saying random words because the act of speaking makes them feel connected, they aren’t talking for reasons.
For the average woman, housework pours cold water on foreplay. But seeing her man do housework? That’s foreplay.
No. The average woman does not have a houseboy fetish. Foreplay for women is the same thing as foreplay for men– kissing, massage, nipple play, genital torture, whatever. Doing your share of the chores is just, you know, your responsibility as a person who is living in a place. Men do not have to be bribed with sex to do their responsibilities.
Why did he give you an Xbox for your birthday? Because it’s what he would like… so naturally you would too.
This is… really, really man-hating. I think that most men are capable of noticing that their intimate partners, the people they’re spending their lives with, happen to like things (sometimes things that are different from what they like!). Unless we assume that men aren’t human, just some kind of overgrown ape-child (which, frankly, is growing more plausible the more of this article I read).
Also, non-gamer men, you officially aren’t men anymore. The line for estrogen injections begins to your left.
Guys think they’re being punished when their gal gives them the cold shoulder. In reality, the silence means she’s hurt and can’t speak, Armstrong says. They also have it wrong when the silence lingers. He may believe the wound has healed, but when she’s not talking at all, the relationship has gone from bad to worse.
WHAT NO STOP THAT
“The silent treatment” is inappropriate, immature, and best suited for middle-school Mean Girls, not adults in functional human relationships. Unilaterally shutting off communication is coercive and a borderline emotionally abusive tactic. Of course it’s fine to take time for yourself after a fight, but that’s something that you need to communicate about. There’s nothing wrong with saying “I’m really mad about those things you said, can we have a few hours/a day apart so I can cool down?” But just not talking to someone isn’t a Universal Female Tactic. It’s a fucking shitty tactic.
Also, I doubt there is anyone dumb enough to think that their girlfriend not talking to them is a sign the wound has healed.
He should say, “I don’t know what I did, but I’m so sorry.”
Apparently you’re supposed to say that every time your girlfriend’s quiet. On one hand, while I don’t want to criticize people who manage to communicate using that subtext thing I’m so crap at, part of me is thinking that if your girlfriend can’t be bothered to say what she’s upset about she shouldn’t be allowed to fight about it. What if she’s a little pissed at you, but she understands that it’s irrational, so she doesn’t want to make a big deal about it? Also I can see that getting rapidly very annoying. “You didn’t do ANYTHING, I am just THINKING, STOP FUCKING APOLOGIZING.”
…I think I’ve figured out why those ladies talk so much about complete nonsense.
As ancient hunters, men needed to conserve calories. Today, they save words – which is why they don’t verbalize what’s obvious to them, Armstrong says.
You got from a wrong premise via wrong logic to a wrong conclusion. I want to give you some kind of prize for being the wrongest wrong person I’ve set my eye on today. Not all men were hunters! There is no evidence men speak fewer words than women! There is no logical connection between saving calories and saving words! aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
Also, weren’t the ladies all giving dudes the silent treatment like, two paragraphs ago?
Tandem activities are intimacy for guys… Unless there’s S.O.S. – skin on skin – contact or eye contact, it doesn’t count
For every woman and man? Everywhere? No women have ever had fantasies about curling up on the couch reading with the person she loves? No men have ever sung songs about, I don’t know, as a completely hypothetical example, just wanting to hold her hand? And there are definitely no people who experience intimacy through physical gifts or kind words or waking up early to muck out the driveway.
Also, this contradicts the other bullshit thing they keep telling us about how men don’t feel loved unless they get their cock sucked.
If you answer the phone or turn off boiling water in the middle of an important conversation with him, he thinks you’re not listening.
Here’s a hint: if you answer the phone during an important conversation with him, you aren’t listening.
Men should hold her hand when talking to her.
…Like, all the time? What if he’s across the room? Does he have to walk over and grab her hand beforehand? Or if they’re cooking? Can a hand on the shoulder work too? What if one of them hates being touched sometimes? Is anyone else getting the mental image of a man using a woman’s hand as a leash like she’s a dog? Because I totally am.
DNA makes men and women navigate the world differently. Prehistoric men (hunters) had to focus to capture prey; women (gatherers) had to be aware of everything around them to spot that ripe berry bush.
I expect, O Article In A Third-Rate Women’s Magazine, you have some really excellent geneticists on staff to back up that statement.
Also, while I’ve never hunted, I’m pretty sure that you have to look around lots of places in order to find the animals. They tend to hide and move around, as opposed to berry bushes, which tend to stay rather stationary.
He may notice the overflowing trash can or the socks on the floor, but he won’t do anything about them if his focus is elsewhere.
Oh, he’s not a lazy arse, it’s just evolution.
…Can anyone explain my girlfriend’s magical inability to ignore that the living room is full of boxes?
As is traditional, I will now provide a list of Better Relationship Advice That Applies To People Of Any Genders In Relationships With People Of Any Gender.
1) Listen to your partner.
2) Do your fair share of the housework; “fair share” depends on your mutual interests, amount of free time, enjoyment of housework, etc.
3) Remember that your partner doesn’t like everything you like.
4) Don’t give your partner the silent treatment.
5) Communicate regularly about things that bother you.
6) Talk to your partner about what makes them feel loved and try to practice it regularly.
7) Don’t get distracted when you should be giving most of your attention to your partner, but try not to get upset when they have to put the conversation on hold to deal with the problems of everyday life.
8) Unpack after you move. (…Okay, maybe that’s just my relationships. Love you, sweetie.)
Photo: BiblioArchives / flickr