Trigger warning for discussion of rape and abuse.
If you’ve been around the blogosphere for longer than five minutes, you may have noticed recurring discussions on sexual violence and feminist related blogs related to the need for men need to step up and take a bigger role in prevention and recovery. I’m not going to dispute that. Men do need to assume a higher profile, but as equal and respected partners, rather than out of guilt or as some form of penance for the actions of other men. That said, some people may not like the form that such involvement can take.
Putting Away the Keyboard
More often than not, the role that men are expected to assume by such bloggers, particularly by those who are not directly involved in real world advocacy themselves, is that of background support for the work of women already in the field. There is a philosophy, promoted by some, that men involved in sexual violence work should never seek leadership roles or question the present orthodoxy in any way. For some men, that may be a good fit. However, there are far greater opportunities available to men interested in making a real difference in sexual violence prevention or survivor advocacy programs.
Typically, men involved in sexual violence work are expected to engage ONLY in the following ways:
- Attend Men Can Stop Rape events and programs.
- Raise funds for crisis centers and prevention programs.
- Participate in protests and walks such as Slutwalks, Take Back The Night events, or locally inspired actions.
- Join campus organizations as an ally.
Making a Difference
There is nothing wrong with any of these approaches to involvement. If that is how you choose to make an impact, then I encourage you to make the most out of it. That said, there are many other under-utilized opportunities for men to get involved in sexual violence work. Some examples are below:
- Volunteer and train as a crisis line counselor. – Contrary to opinion among some in the blogosphere who do not engage in real world advocacy, not all female survivors want to talk to another woman. Some female survivors are impartial with regard to the gender of the person on the other end of the phone. Others still, prefer a male voice on the phone. Additionally, some male survivors may prefer to talk to another man.
- Join an advocacy organization that is involved locally. – Attend meetings, sign up for committees and participate in campaigns and events. Make your presence known through your actions and attitude. Don’t be afraid to make suggestions or question the status quo if you believe there is a better or more efficient way to accomplish a particular goal. Remember that an idea’s validity is not determined based on the genitalia of its proponent. The people who believe such nonsense tend not to be involved in the real world grunt work.
- Participate in a survivor speaker’s bureau. – If you are a survivor and at a place in your healing where you feel comfortable sharing, this can be a very healing and high impact form of involvement. Please remember that most survivors will NEVER feel comfortable with public disclosure. It is not a reflection on your healing or courage if you choose to not get involved with public speaking. For those of you who do get involved, you will be surprised at how many organizations are eager to hear from male survivors. The overwhelmingly vast majority of survivor speakers tend to be white females and event planners are looking to diversify their discussion topics. The impact of your presentation may be the very thing a survivor suffering in silence needs to feel validated and worthy of healing. Your words can help change someone’s life and further heal your own wounds.
- Speak out online and offline when you feel the need. – There are so many ways to change opinions and make an impact that don’t require the access and approval of specific organizations. Campaigns to rid Facebook of troubling groups that make light of sexual violence; correcting rape myths in everyday life as you confront them; and getting involved in legislative and legal campaigns when possible are additional options.
Potential Obstacles and Challenges
As a man involved in sexual violence work, you can expect to confront some very uncomfortable situations. For instance, you may be put into the “perp” box from time to time. This can come in the form of fellow advocates who promote generalizations based on gender. Also, you may experience the same while in contact with female survivors of male rapists.
The latter will be the hardest to overcome as you are dealing with a person who has had their trust violated in an extreme and traumatic manner. The former may come via people who are confusing advocacy work with ideological agendas. While this is far more common online with people who do not commit to real world advocacy, it can still occur offline in more limited supply.
When in contact with female survivors struggling with severe trust issues, you will need to work hard to gain trust and this will take patience. It is not your job to “fix” anyone. You are support to those who want your support. Your actions, more than anything, will communicate loudest to such female survivors. For some, you will never be trustworthy. You cannot control this and should not be made to feel guilty for the actions of those who hurt them. It is not possible to truly make a difference if you are attempting to atone for the actions of others. It is not a burden you can bear and no good will come of it for the survivor in the end. All you can do in such a situation is to put forth your best work and stay focused on the organization or campaign’s goals.
Advocates, however, have no excuse for treating male volunteers like pariahs or subjecting them to abuse or discrimination. Such treatment should be challenged as it is not appropriate in what is expected to be a healing environment. Bigotry and hatred have no place in sexual violence related efforts. If such advocates are willing to treat men who have volunteered their precious time and money in such a manner, they surely cannot be trusted around vulnerable male survivors or even female survivors who have been hurt by other women.
Keeping It Real
It is important to remember when dealing with any trauma survivor, that the healing process is theirs to own. It is entirely their decision as to how they heal and who they allow to assist them on that journey. No survivor should be made to feel pressured or emotionally manipulated to accept anyone’s help regardless of how sincere it may be offered if said help is not something the survivor is comfortable accepting. Everyone heals at their own pace and on their own terms. That should be respected without question or debate. Sexual violence survivors often create multiple layers of emotional barriers to protect themselves from harm. It is entirely the survivor’s decision who they allow to breach those walls. Please remember to respect that while serving the greater needs of the survivor community.
Far too often, advocates and volunteers completely lose sight of the real reason they are doing the work – the needs of the individual survivor and potential future victims. So long as you always bear in mind both the why AND who, you will be prepared to make a real and lasting impact.
Whatever your reasons for getting involved, please remember to take care of yourself as well. Working with survivors or on related campaign issues can be exhausting and emotionally stressful, even if you are not a survivor yourself. Practicing good self-care will ensure you are able to participate to the best of your ability and keep your mind and body in tune with your goals as a volunteer.
Why I Do It
In 2008, I finally decided to acknowledge what happened to me so many years ago as rape. I was drugged, raped and then blackmailed into silence by a female friend of a friend. As I’ve been involved in civil liberties work for years, it was a natural progression for me to add sexual violence work to my agenda. I had already acquired a thick skin from years of publishing The Multiracial Activist and The Abolitionist Examiner magazines online as well as participating in multiple civil liberties coalitions and efforts to include a U.S. Supreme Court case.
Since then, I have blogged about my own experience and related topics frequently on multiple websites. I’ve been interviewed online, via podcast and for print publication. As an active member of the speakers bureau for RAINN and speaker/trainer for the Survivors Caucus of the Virginia Sexual and Domestic Violence Action Alliance I’ve visited college campuses, youth groups and churches to discuss rape myths, survivor needs and participate in panel discussions on sexual and domestic violence. My own story has been adapted for use by the Empowerment Theatre on stage. In addition, I was interviewed for a video segment that is shown during Precious Porter’s awesome one-woman performance of “No More Drama: Love Should Not Hurt”, which was recently performed/screened for a group of over 3,000 attendees in Atlanta, Georgia. Online, I am moderator for the Facebook group associated with the healing handbook Resurrection After Rape. In addition, I serve as a Section Moderator at Pandora’s Aquarium, one of the largest online mixed gender rape survivor communities. Offline, I have served as a secondary survivor for several female and male survivors who have done the same for me.
However you choose to make an impact is your decision. Just remember to keep your goals in mind and take care of yourself mentally and physically. This is important, but emotionally painful work. I salute each and every one of you who decide to take on such a burden.
___________________________
James Landrith is a rape survivor, public speaker, internationally syndicated blogger, civil liberties activist and the notorious editor and publisher of The Multiracial Activist (ISSN: 1552-3446) and The Abolitionist Examiner (ISSN: 1552-2881). Landrith can be reached by email at: [email protected] or at his personal website/blog.
@James, as usual well done squire. I’ll catch up with you on your own blog down the track and fill you in on what’s happening in the services over my way – which in terms of inclusiveness are very positive in some areas at least. @Hugh Tipping Ristik, agree with you and Xakudo. There is an arrogance in the assumptions being made that I always find frustrating. Why is it that so many folk assume they can define my experience of abuse for me or lecture me about community attitudes I’ve lived with all my life? Do they think I… Read more »
James, thank you for this post and for the work that you do. I think men’s involvement in sexual violence work is crucially important – my ability to recover from my own sexual assault has been due in large part to the men in my life (not professionals, just wonderful people) so I have an idea of the difference men can make. And I’m a woman; I imagine their contributions are even more crucial when it comes to helping male survivors. This comment thread, on the other hand, is a reminder of why I rarely read or engage with the… Read more »
Hopefully the dust has settled enough for it to be safe to compliment James on this article, his work and his personal strength in the advocacy he does. His open and public stance on what happened to him has helped me tremendously. Thanks.
At least 80% of TyphonBule’s comments here (I don’t know of her from else where) have been: but what about the {eeevil} women?
Xakudo said:
Co-signed. It also worries me that this is a guest post by James Landrith, yet his voice has been superseded in this thread.
Daisy, I’m going to reply to this in the open thread. I think this one has been derailed for long enough.
Daran, I have to ask, why didn’t you come to my defense when I was banned for “bad faith” at Feminist Critics? I was NOT arguing in bad faith, as Typhon Blue claims she was not arguing in bad faith on this thread. You choose to believe her, and you chose NOT to believe me. Now, can I guess why that is? At the time, I was the only feminist arguing there. The. Only. So, yes, I was piled on, repeatedly, and I was very defensive. All these thousands of words in her defense, and you couldn’t be bothered with… Read more »
OK, not personally moderated, which is good to know. I think I know which word tripped it.
That’s interesting. My lastest reply to AB has gone into moderation, not the spam queue. Did I say something which tripped the moderation filter, or have I personally been put on moderation?
AB: Not you personally, but I have rarely seen a case of alleged misogyny or unfair treatment of anyone who wasn’t mainly focussed on attacking women and feminism being met with a fraction of the outrage reserved for misandry or bad feminism. Sure. It’s a blog whose specific purpose is to criticise feminism. Inevitably, we tend to focus upon bad feminism. From time to time we’ll put up a post defending some aspect of feminism from common attacks we don’t agree with. (See my series on Koss’ research into college rape, for example), or debunking antifeminist nonsense. But in general… Read more »
I’m only new around here. But I’ve got to say…. this is all a bit People’s Front of Judea, to me. I mean I first started taking an interest in Gender issues mainly by reading Tiger Beatdown and Feminist Critics, and I found they both had huge amounts to say that I’d agree massively with, and obviously a few things I’d have reservations about. And now I’ve come across this site and so clearly its like “Wow, I agree even more with this!” But to me the entire gender blogsphere falling on the above spectrum and even a bit past… Read more »
RickyTicky:
It would be very hard for her to do that, given that she is so strongly triggered.
“Attempting” implies that it is her intent to defame. I see no indication of that.
AB said: “When people at FC decide to accept material which is triggering to me and call objections to it unreasonable, then I’ll damn well conclude that they don’t show respect or consideration for it.” I just want to reiterate – allowing a post and agreeing with the principles of a given post two *completely* different things. You actually need quotes of support from individuals to support your assertion that they accept and potentially agree with a given line of reasoning. AB said: “You already know that FC is considered a very hostile place by a lot of people. Even… Read more »
@Daran: What I’d like to know specifically is what leads you to think that there is “a degree of hostility against women” acceptable to me which I “would have labelled misandry if being about men”? Not you personally, but I have rarely seen a case of alleged misogyny or unfair treatment of anyone who wasn’t mainly focussed on attacking women and feminism being met with a fraction of the outrage reserved for misandry or bad feminism. I’m not sure what else I can do to show respect or consideration, given that this is the first I heard of it. You… Read more »
This is an awesome post.
Another reply to AB in spam limbo. (Sigh).
It’s the pattern. Every time I’ve looked through a thread on FC, I’ve seen several sexist comments about women which were casually accepted. But similar sentiments about men are routinely derided as the height of misandry by the same posters who’re fine with it when women are the target. No doubt. But you weren’t accusing just any old FC commenters of “accepting a degree of hostility against women which they would have labelled misandry if being about men.” You’re remark was specifically directed those responsible for the “the sudden outburst of sympathy” for typhonblue in this thread. That’s a limited… Read more »
First off, I just want to say – thanks James for the post! Insightful and useful. Secondly, I think TB’s intention in her first question is entirely legitimate although I understand how it quickly got out of hand due to high emotions and poor phrasing – namely, do centers which help survivors of male-perpetuated abuse also seek to make similar accommodations to survivors of female-perpetuated abuse, i.e. do they seek to understand how their approach, and even characteristics such as gender, can hinder a survivors ability to engage with those who are working at the center? And if centers don’t… Read more »
Thank you for the advices, James.. I found it very helpful ^ ^
Fair enough. If it continues, you could probably take it to an open thread. The whole conversation was a bit off topic anyway, so it might be a good idea in any case.
If youre taliking about the mencallmethings post AB the reason I haven’t responded is because whatever has been eating comments has been eating my response to you over there for the last 2 days. Like seriously I copy/pastes it to Wordpad just in case and have been copy/pasting from there. Not sure why its not taking so I may have to retype it from scratch.
@Daran: I assume you mean me, among others. I fail to see how TB’s alleged misbehaviour, presumably on other threads, since she’s done no such thing his this one, implies anything at all about what I would or would not label “misandry”. It’s the pattern. Every time I’ve looked through a thread on FC, I’ve seen several sexist comments about women which were casually accepted. But similar sentiments about men are routinely derided as the height of misandry by the same posters who’re fine with it when women are the target. I have to mostly stay away from FC, because… Read more »
AB, I have a reply to you still in the spam queue. it was a way of leading up to an attack on the alleged attitudes of people who aren’t James. We don’t agree that it was. But on the other hand, TB has also made accusations of misandry and chosen to disbelieve it when people say she has misunderstood them and explained their meaning, so I can’t help suspecting that the sudden outburst of sympathy over this behaviour from people at FC is yet another example of them accepting a degree of hostility against women which they would have… Read more »
The post above is a response to Danny. Sorry I forgot to include quotes.
First off, the question in itself referred to a third part (the women who were or weren’t required to earn James’ trust), not to him personally. He chose, quite thoughtfully and diplomatically, to answer in regards to his personal feelings about whom he had trouble trusting, but the question itself wasn’t about his personal feelings, it was a way of leading up to an attack on the alleged attitudes of people who aren’t James. I can’t speak for the mods, but most places I’ve been where there is a policy of warning before banning, it is precisely to leave room… Read more »