My Halloween costume this year is simple and inexpensive: Lex Luthor.

Specifically, late-1980s Luthor, as I’m sure some of you spotted right away.

The key components of this costume are a red silk tie in a full Windsor knot, because Luthor is the kind of asshole who always has to win every human interaction, and a Kryptonite signet ring on my right hand, because Luthor is also the kind of asshole who keeps trying to kill Superman. Amusing trivia point: I had to buy a white dress shirt for this outfit. Did not previously own one.

For those who don’t make their own, the state of commercially-purchased costumes is rightfully regarded as dire, and much time has been spent decrying, or more entertainingly, mocking the hell out of the notion that costumes for women must be “sexy”, whether or not they make any damn sense. I think we can all agree that this overwhelming mandate is stupid, and when applied to children’s costumes, stupid and creepy. (Incidentally, I’ve enjoyed the pushback here, with simple how-to guides on dressing as various awesome women of history and mythology.)

Thing is, the costumes typical Halloween stores sell for guys are also stupid and offensive, but in a totally different way. Yes, the guys are not encouraged to show as much skin as possible (which is probably good; it’s late October, people) and when it’s a costume of a well-known character it tends to actually look like that character, not “What if Batman were a stripper?” But hey, can’t men be sexy too? Where’s the sexiness?

After the jump, prepare to be sorry I asked.

Hmmmm… it’s almost as though a theme is developing, but I can’t put my penis on it. I mean finger.

Oh, I get it, it’s a visual pun. Specifically a visual pun that’s been run over by several trucks and now has crows feeding on it.

Oh come on, that’s a bit on the penis. I mean nose.

For god’s sake, people, I appreciate dick jokes as much as the next person, but these aren’t even jokes! Just an endless, endless parade of dicks! It’s like reading all of Garth Ennis’s comics at once!

Come on, Spirit Halloween Stores, do you know a different joke? A single joke that isn’t just “penis”?

…Christ. Forget I asked.

I’m going to assume that none of the charming and decent people who read our blog are wearing these, or any of the other ha-ha-penis costumes. (Yes, this is by no means an exhaustive selection. This is the tip of the penis. I mean iceberg.)

We could spend a lot of time dissecting the ugly, horrible assumptions and societal influences that go into this bottomless well of trouser truncheons (and how’s that for mixing phallic and yonic imagery?) and if you feel like doing that in comments, feel free. Or, more fun, just talk about what you’re going as for Halloween.

Me, I’m going as an enormous prick.