I like this Annie Urban lady. There was an entire New York Times discussion about “motherhood versus feminism” (cringe) which is actually about attachment parenting versus feminism. The people have positions from the sensible (hey, maybe we should stop freaking out) to the ridiculous (fuck you too lady). However, of them all, Annie Urban was the only one to bring up the obvious elephant sitting on the couch and stealing the potato chips:
What about the dads?
Too often the discussion about women’s choices (stay at home, go back to work) ignores the role of fathers. To achieve meaningful equality, we need to push for a society that values fathers who strike a balance between their career and their family life too. Women shouldn’t have to be equally uninvolved parents to reach their goals; they should be able to ask their spouses to step up too.
My one objection here is the phrase “ask their spouses to step up too.” Fuck asking your husband to help you raise your kids! He’s their fucking father, it’s his job to be an equal partner in the kids-raising business. He shouldn’t have to be ASKED, he should just DO. I mean, Christ, could you imagine someone being all “you should ask your wife to step up and help with the family finances”? No? Because it’s stupid. In a marriage, the people are partners.
Now, of course, what “equal partner in the kids-raising business” means is different for every family. For some families it might mean that the dad works and the mom stays at home to clean and cook and raise the kids; for some families it might mean that the mom works and the dad stays at home to clean and cook and raise the kids. For most families it will probably mean some kind of compromise, involving shared chores, shared kid duties, parent tracks at work, babysitting, day care, etc.– all based not on silly and outdated gender roles but on the preferences and the desires of the parents themselves.
The other bit I like:
It requires a partnership (at a minimum) and a village (ideally) that rejects traditional patriarchal models of motherhood and instead adopts a nuanced flexible approach to balancing work, family and community.
I like this on a purely selfish level. There are all kinds of excellent reasons I shouldn’t have children, starting with “I’d be a shit parent” and getting steadily more convincing from there. But I like kids! I see no reason that I shouldn’t be allowed to contribute to a kid’s life, watch them grow, and know that I made my mark on the next generation just because I happen to not want to be their primary caretaker. The world needs more aunts and uncles, and more recognition of the awesome work they do.
Maybe then all those working moms can actually get some sleep.
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Whenever I read about “attachment parenting,” I wonder about the fathers too. Because even though it’s called attachment “parenting,” everything I read seems to be about mothers. Mothers breast feeding kids until they are 7 years old. Mothers “wearing” babies 24-7. The fathers seem relegated to the role of silent supporter, co-sleeper, and occcasional diaper changer. And bread winner. Cause most of the attachment mothers seem to be SAHM’s. Now, maybe the dads are doing a lot, but you never hear about it. Also, I wonder what dads think of their wives becoming exclusive baby-making, baby-wearing, breast-feeding machines for years and years. maybe it’s all wonderful for everyone — I just don’t know.
“Whenever I read about “attachment parenting,” I wonder about the fathers too”
“The Baby Book” is directed at both mothers and fathers. Check out “The Baby Book” page 272 “The Baby Wearing Father for just one example. The problem of fathers not being involved with their infants existed long before attachment parenting became fashionable. You speak as if other parenting styles don’t have any trouble with this issue. Lack of involved fathers is a parenting problem, not an attachment parenting problem. Here is a link to Dr. Sears’ website to clear up your other misconceprtions: http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/attachment-parenting/what-ap-not
“I mean, Christ, could you imagine someone being all “you should ask your wife to step up and help with the family finances”? No?”
Seriously? I do not tink that this is the point of utter non controversy that you believe. Hell, I’ve seen a ‘Dear Abby’ style letter where the question in response to a husband putting this to his wife was “So should I divorse him?’
* divorce
And fyi if I remember, the response, paraphrased, was “Maybe, your relationship is obviously screwed up somewhere”
I agree that “help” is an unfortunate choice of words – not least because it denigrates the man’s role in his kids life. However, if there is a difference in expectations of how a family divide the kid-raising business then the man is in no way obligated to just magically know how his partner wants to divide things and he shouldn’t be obligated to just DO. If the wife wants a change in how work is distributed she needs to communicate that to her husband and ask him whether they could do things how she wants. And then there would be a negotiation where the result may be a compromise or not, but which both can live with and live up to.
Wanting some change and not communicating that and just sitting around stewing and waiting for your partner to just get it and just do it will guaranteed make none of you happy.
I’ve also seen dynamic like this happen a few times:
“No, don’t do A like that. Do it like this.”
“No, don’t do A like that. Do it like this.”
“No, don’t do A like that. Do it like this.”
…
“Why the hell don’t you ever do A!”
Now, countless jokes says this happens because the lazy man sees this as an opportunity to avoid doing A. I bet that is sometimes true. Other times it is caused by an inability of the woman to trust her partners ability to perform a task unless the result is exactly as it would be if she did it herself. It’s a matter of not being able to relinquish control. In order for the husband to actually DO the wife has to accept him as an equal partner in that area. Describing any imbalance in workload around housework and child-rising exclusively in the terms of the man failing in the DO department is not sufficient.
” Fuck asking your husband to help you raise your kids! He’s their fucking father, it’s his job to be an equal partner in the kids-raising business. He shouldn’t have to be ASKED, he should just DO.”
You might be right. At the same time, Shouldn’t-Have-To-Be-Asked-itis has caused a lot of misery and misunderstandings for a lot of people whether the subject is parenting, finances, housework, sexual consent, or innumerable other things.
Embrace it at your own risk.
Quoted for truth.
(I wanted to link to a clip of an episode of Malcolm in the Middle, where Hal tells Lois that he’ll never be able to know what she needs without her having to ask for it, because “we’re not that smart – all we can offer you is our total obedience”, but the Internet has failed me.)
See also: Ask Culture and Guess Culture