Trigger warning for mentions of rape and violence.
When I was a freshman in high school, I and my friends were Cool Chicks.
We weren’t like those other girls, the ones who were passive and weak and giggled and watched romantic comedies and thought about their hair and makeup. Those girls were stupid and frivolous and vapid, and we made fun of them. No, we were Cool. We liked fantasy novels and action movies and anime! We laughed at “that’s what she said” jokes and “make me a sandwich” humor and South Park quotes! We fake-fought with each other and laughed off pain and never cried! We were just like the guys in every way!
Around this time, I was also beginning to really get into feminism. I was proud of myself. I defied convention and gender roles. My adoption of male gender norms wholesale was truly a feminist act. After all, all the stuff girls did was stupid, and the stuff boys did was fun, and–
…hey, wait a minute.
Julia Serano, in Whipping Girl (which is, in my opinion, a book that should be read by everyone interested in gender issues) discusses the concept of “femmephobia” in our society. Femmephobia is the devaluation, fear and hatred of the feminine: of softness, nurturance, dependence, emotions, passivity, sensitivity, grace, innocence and the color pink.
To a large degree, our culture has replaced the fear and hatred of women, with the fear and hatred of things commonly associated with women. I think this is… not so much progress, actually.
To see femmephobia in our society, it’s only necessary to look at the differences between how we treat masculine girls and feminine boys. A masculine girl is a “tomboy,” likely to be approved of by her parents; there are many programs to encourage girls in sports and in the sciences, stereotypically male fields. A feminine boy is a “sissy,” likely to be bullied by other boys and by girls; there are no programs to encourage boys in dance and in the humanities, stereotypically female fields.
As we get older, masculinity continues to be more acceptable for women than femininity for men. I own boxer shorts and ties, and I have short hair; at worst I’m considered to have a mildly eccentric fashion taste. A guy who dressed in as feminine a way as I dress masculine would have Transvestic Fetishism, a clinical mental illness. Men are encouraged not to cry, because it’s girly, but women are not discouraged from getting angry because it’s masculine. As I pointed out to one of my Cool Chick friends, “if any guy tried to act as girly as we act dudely, he’d get beaten up.”
Femmephobia can also be seen in marketing. We have diet soda, and we have diet soda FOR MEN; we have loofahs, and we have loofahs FOR MEN; we have canned soup, and we have canned soup FOR MEN. Men cannot be expected to consume feminine things like body care items or diet food or soup in cans (!?) unless it is specifically marked out as Not Girly, and therefore Not Bad. With a few obnoxious exceptions, such as tools for girls (they’re pink) or video games for girls (they’re pink and have Barbie), women who like traditionally masculine hobbies get to have the same fishing poles, golf clubs and bad Trekkie novels as the boys– because, since masculinity is valued, it doesn’t matter if a woman tries to become masculine.
The form of femmephobia most annoying to me occurs in feminist communities. It’s a difficult line to walk, because it is often necessary for feminism to critique femininity, the same way it is often necessary for masculism to critique masculinity. However, it is possible to critique femininity without critiquing feminine people. Choosing to be a stay-at-home mother, to abstain from sex until marriage, to remove body hair or to wear makeup and the other accourtrements of femininity does not somehow make you a bad feminist. That is ridiculous.
Perhaps the most tragic consequences can result when femmephobia intersects with homophobia and transphobia. The source of much homophobia against gay men, I think, is femmephobia: consider the association between having sex with men and a feminine gender performance that many homophobes claim exists. As for transphobia, well, there isn’t a single thing more girly than wanting to be a girl. And since being feminine is, for men, the worst thing possible (and even for women it’s a little disreputable), well…
Of the streak of gay teen suicides in 2010, the majority were men.
Of the trans people murdered in 2010, the overwhelming majority were trans women.
Femmephobia kills.
I’ve been reading this and I think some people are missing the point here. First off I’d like to say that I’m coming from a perspective that is sceptical of “Masculism” and a little bemused as to why people here think they compliment each other – in theory, yes, but most “Masculist” discussion I see online drifts very quickly towards complaining about feminists. Feminism may drift towards “man hating” in the more extreme fringes, but it has very noble roots and serves a purpose. However, I feel the need to explain a little with regards this concept of “Femmephobia”, as… Read more »
“so I don’t think being a tomboy is that easy.” I can see that, and not just from the bit you mention here. While it may be that tomboys don’t get the same amount of physical violence that feminine boys get (and that may not be true either for all I know) I am sure they come in for quite a bit of emotional violence from peers. And even when they get accepted and approved of by men, it seesm to be in a kind of a mascot role. It’s like Annie Oaklwey, who was treated like an entetaining oddity.… Read more »
ozymandias:
I second that. I’ve long been a tomboy fan. Boys who are effeminate , on the other hand, get the perjorative “sissy” and get beat up and socially excluded a lot by both other boys and girls though a substantial minority of girls seem ok with it.
okelay: Of course women get shit for being tomboys! However, women get shit for defying gender roles, and men get shit for defying gender roles AND being feminine, which is icky and evil. It is far worse in most circumstances to be a feminine boy than a masculine girl.
“so I don’t think being a tomboy is that easy. it’s ok when you are a kid, but once you’ve reached puberty and beyond you are expected to grow out of it. ”
Do you think being a feminine boy is ever acceptable? Even as a 6 years old? Let alone a 14 years old.
You raise some some decent points but as a tomboy I can assure you it is not always approved by parents. my parents and my sisters have always tried to get me to be more feminine. to play with dolls instead of legos, with more girls instead of boys, to wear skirts and dresses insteads of jeans and sweats, to wear boots instead of chucks, to wear make up, to let my hair grow out and so on. I have to negotiate with Mum to buy the clothes I like, to accept something she likes in order to get her… Read more »
@phinforthewin: Iignoring a problem doesn’t make it go away. Complacency is what every system of oppression wants.
Great, great article, though, and fantastic commentary. Found you through fuckyeahfeminists on tumblr, and now I’ll be following the blog for sure. :]
or we can all stop splitting hairs and understand that gender/sexuality are fluid things and the binary is causing people to get into a dialogue that oppresses everyone. if people weren’t so caught up in the notion that there is a dichotomy, things would be a lot simpler. people are people and we should shut the fuck up and get over it. we’re all butthurt about something. we are all victims of our society. just subvert and be happy.
<3 a romantiqueer and genderqueer transboi
@BedHead
If the glittery lipstick and dolls and pink etc was open to boys, the notion that it can even possibly lesser would vanish. Because it wouldn’t be ‘girl only’.
I really agree with this article but my comment is actually directed at Darque. When you say, being a feminine woman isn’t looked down upon, I beg to differ. I am a feminist. I am also girly. I played with barbies all the time as a kid. My favorite color is pink. I wear (and enjoy) make-up. I have other interests, I also enjoy that’s what she said jokes and south park, but I wouldn’t be labeled a “tomboy”. I have spent pretty much my entire life being looked down upon by men and women. I have been looked down… Read more »
“You mean like roller derby?” Roller derby is something we see as rough ‘n tumble, GRRRRL POWER, though… I’m more thinking along the lines of the sort of dainty, frilly things: “These are GIIIIIRL shampoos, a guy smelling like cucumber melon is silly” or “That book’s for GIRLS” Say, playing the flute. I played in band all through high school — started on flute, picked up alto saxophone, and then bassoon. And while a girl can readily pick up a more “masculine” instrument like trombone or trumpet and be clapped on the back and praised for it, a guy who… Read more »
What’s idiotic though is that people opposed to men’s roller derby participation, both men and women, say “go play real sports” and “don’t steal the spotlight from women”. As if it was the only possibility that men would be taken more seriously, and that women who play roller derby are “not really playing sport”. The reason women’s golf and basketball leagues are taken less seriously has to do with the relative youth of the league, and the fact that people perceive those sports about physical prowess tied to strength and height and nothing else. Like roller derby having strategy and… Read more »
“I think perhaps my problem is more women claiming supposedly effeminate activity as explicitly theirs, perhaps, and thus the reason males interested in feminine things are mocked by men and women alike is… misogyny.”
You mean like roller derby?
They’re calling men’s leagues as “merby” even though roller derby has been co-ed since the 1930s. It’s just the resurgence in popularity that has been more with punk women.
@Ozy
“Because femininity is not debasing.”
I’m not the one *saying* it’s debasing.
“Our culture assumes that things-arbitrarily-labeled-masculine are better than things-arbitrarily-labeled-feminine, when really both have good and bad points.”
I disagree. Femininity may be seen as ‘weaker’ then masculinity, but it is certainly not seen as more capable or even as capable of evil.
“I think what she’s saying is that society devalues femininity so women being forced to be feminine debases them while men aren’t allowed to debase themselves by being feminine. How this connects with women’s greater latitude to be masculine I haven’t figured out yet; you would think that if society was invested in debasing women by forcing them into femininity it would actually force them into femininity. ” Yeah, I getchya. I agree on that, and I am still having problems finding where I as a woman am completely obligated to be feminine OR ELSE. I can wear gym shorts… Read more »
Typhon: Because femininity is not debasing. There is nothing debasing about taking care of a child or an elderly parent or a romantic partner, enjoying stereotypically feminine activities or even wanting to make yourself physically attractive. Our culture assumes that things-arbitrarily-labeled-masculine are better than things-arbitrarily-labeled-feminine, when really both have good and bad points.
@Rachel What I’m saying is that if you look at the dynamic of masculinity and femininity within the relationship between men and women (not men and children or men and the elderly or women and children or women and the elderly, or infirm, etc.) there is a definite sense that, in order to be a real man, a man has to ‘look out’ for women. Thus appropriate masculinity is associated with providing and protecting women. Even if it’s feminine to ‘look out’ for the elderly or children or the infirm, it’s not feminine to ‘look out’ for men. This may… Read more »
I wasn’t suggesting it had to do solely with the dynamic between women and children… by caretaker I didn’t mean caretaker in the domestic sense only. I meant of other people in general ways- taking care of husbands, the elderly, as nurses, social workers etc…
I never said ‘providing and protecting’ is considered a feminine thing. I think that’s well established as within the masculine realm.
@ Rachel
“Why do you see masculine things as more ‘practical and pragmatic’?”
Maybe because it has more to do with the dynamic between the genders then between women and children?
Men are supposed to provide and protect women and that’s seen as masculine. Is providing and protecting for men seen as feminine? I think it’s considered the exact opposite of feminine.
I don’t think femininity is innate to females or masculinity innate to males- I think it’s often seen that way. Obviously, all human beings have a mix of ‘feminine’ traits and ‘masculine’ traits. But we’re told “Girls are this way. Boys are this way. Girls do this and boys do that.’ And growing up, boys are girls are told these messages over and over again. Gender roles and expectations are enforced throughout peoples whole lives through family, parents, teachers, peers, the media, etc… Appropriate expressions of femininity are way more complicated than ‘you must wear make up everyday.’ Makeup is… Read more »
“However, women can’t avoid the fact that they are women and possess all these icky feminine qualities. They have to perform femininity in some visible way- makeup, hairstyle, choice of interests. They are expected to. If they behave the exact same way as men, how can we discount and demean them?” Man, I need to look out for these makeup police, too. Never seen them in my 22 years of being a straight, cisgender tomboy, but they sound awful. If I can grow up and play with legos and dinosaurs and videogames with grass stains on my knees and people… Read more »
Like Typhon, I’m a bit puzzled where this idea that masculinity is viewed as universally awesome (especially on a site that also has a post discussing “schroedinger’s rapist”) is coming from.
Testosterone poisoning?
tropes like the “jerk jock” or the “idiot frat boy” ?
snips and snails and puppy dog tails, vs sugar and spice and everything nice?
any of this ring any bells?
@ Rachel “However, women can’t avoid the fact that they are women and possess all these icky feminine qualities.” Then if femininity is innate to being female, is masculinity innate to being male? Further, where does all the adrophobia fit in? I mean we have this idea that men’s sexuality is innately predatory; that masculinity is incapable of nurturing, compassion or cooperation; that if women were in charge that there would be no war; that masculinity is oppressive. It isn’t that feminine traits are universally loathed or masculine traits universally lauded; this construction does not jive with my experience at… Read more »
Ozy: We’ll have to differ in our opinions, then. I find it inherently problematic to marry for security and not work yourself — regardless of your gender. Be “femme” if you wish, but for god’s sake be a grown-up too.
“Jim: I don’t think there’s anything wrong with giggling (I giggle) or caring about your hair or makeup (adornment can be fun), as long as it’s what you want to do. It doesn’t necessarily mean you’re frivolous or vapid, any more than being stereotypically masculine does.’ I giggle too. “Why is giggling and caring about your hair any worse than grunting and caring about your muscles?” Oh God, that’s at least as silly and vapid. Good grooming is one thing, but spending huge money on it – closets full of shoes should be grounds for re-education IMHO – and the… Read more »