Others may be more important, or starker, or more common, but the gendered behavior I find most puzzling is the unsolicited genitalia picture.
Seriously. There is a (small, but evident) group of men who think the single most attractive thing they can do is send a woman they barely know a picture of their erect penis, to the point that nearly all my female and female-assigned friends who do online dating have received a dick pic. (Although I do not know any men who have sex with men well enough to inquire of them, commenters are encouraged to share their experiences about whether this is strictly a straightboy thing.)
Why? Why? WHY DO PEOPLE DO THIS? I mean, most men who like women are not attracted to a random disembodied vulva floating in space; why would they assume women who like men are attracted to a random disembodied cock? (Of course, there are people who are attracted to random disembodied vulvas/cocks, but I’m fairly comfortable with saying they’re in the strict minority.)
Side note to those who are considering sending a dick pic to a woman: please do not send one unless it is specifically requested, and I mean “I would like a picture of your penis” specifically requested. If she just asks for a sexy or naked picture, then take a picture of your torso, ass, or full body. Your dick can certainly be in the picture, but it should not be the starring role (barring being able to suck your own cock, or other exceptional traits).
For everyone else: I will now speculate about why people do this. If you have personal experience, please do elaborate in the comments.
1) Penises stick out, and therefore are easier to take pictures of than vulvas; if you could take a picture of your vulva without contorting into some completely awful position, then a whole bunch of women would be sending allegedly sexy but actually gynecological vulva pictures.
2) A lot of people believe that penises are the male equivalent of breasts. (This showed up in the comments on my post last week about why women should be allowed to take their shirts off in public– “I don’t want to see penises waving about in public, so it makes sense we’re not allowed to wave breasts about in public!”) Therefore, just like men are famously attracted to breasts, women are attracted to penises! Except that the male equivalent to a female chest is, you know, a male chest.
3) A lot of men are under the impression that male chests and asses are not a sexual thing to women, possibly related to the widespread cultural insistence that the only physical trait that matters is a large penis. (This has been changing recently to the insistence that there is such a thing as male beauty and it is defined as HUGE MUSCLES, but the first idea still exists.) I have no idea how they’ve managed to keep this idea. Do I need to show you people more pictures of hot shirtless men? Because I will.
4) The idea that every woman is incredibly attracted to a large penis, and that by taking a picture of your cock you’re showing that you have a large penis, which is hence very attractive.
5) The theory espoused in this Reproductive Health Reality Check article, i.e. gendered responses to insecurity (such as the insecurity involved in hitting on someone via the Internet). Men tend to respond to insecurity through asserting their physical superiority (“look at me, I’ve got a giant cock!”) whereas women tend to respond through seeking reassurance.
6) Men are incredibly more likely to hit on women on online dating sites than women are to hit on men. In particular, terrible men make up a substantial percentage of any woman’s inbox on online dating sites, as they will copy-paste the same “hey sexxxxxxxy ur cute wanna fuk?” message to two hundred women, while the decent people will send a thoughtful message to people they like. It only takes a few terrible men sending pictures of their penises to hundreds of women to make sure everyone online gets one.
7) Emotional armor. Hitting on someone makes you incredibly vulnerable– just think about the fear of rejection!– and the male gender role is about not being vulnerable. For some reason, a penis picture may make them feel less vulnerable. (If nothing else, they are literally showing that they have the balls to do it.)
Anyway, that’s all the theories I have. Add your own in the comments.
About ozyfrantz
Supposedly, the only reason men bother to get those HUGE MUSCLES is to compensate for their penis size. Just like how every man who has a nice car, big house, aggressive personality or plays extreme sports is accused of doing so to overcompensate for their small penis. As a man who likes to lift weights, surf and ride BMX, this trend offends me greatly.
The message is clear: If your penis isn’t long enough (it never is) nothing you do means anything. When men are told that their worth is solely determined by the size of a body part that is covered up 99% of the time, does it come as any surprise that some of us believed it and now think their erect penis is the only thing that matters? Does it come as any surprise that those who do open up online conversations by showing what they think is their only trait that’s important?
You missed the possibility that they might just be exhibitionists – it might have little or nothing to do with the recipient, beyond her being female.
There might be a kind of safety in taking a cock-shot rather than a full-body shot. First, because a hard dick doesn’t project vulnerability – it’s the eyes, not the balls, that are the window to the soul. Second, who can really say it’s yours for sure? I have sent breast-pics to men (men I was already sleeping with!) but hesitate to send a picture that includes my chest and face. Even though it’s all coming from my cell phone so it’s really an imagined safety.
I have not been the recipient of a penis pic, but I have been the recipient of surprise Skype masturbating (by someone I knew, sort of). I think the penis-owner takes pleasure in having someone looking at his hard member. I don’t think he necessarily thinks it’s the “most attractive thing he can do.” More like he knows that most women don’t necessarily want to look at it, but maybe he’ll find one that does and how awesome will that be?! Not sure if I qualify or not. It didn’t turn me on exactly, but I did watch the whole thing.
Dan Savage has a hypothesis about this, related to your #6. Maybe only a small minority of women are turned on by cock pics, but it’s that minority that the cock-pic-sender is interested in getting in touch with. The most efficient way to find those women is to spam everyone’s inboxes with cock pics. (As you acknowledge, these women do exist.) I have no idea whether this hypothesis is right, but it seems believable to me.
Possibly related bit of research to support this, regarding the Nigerian 419 scam emails:
Why? Why? WHY DO PEOPLE DO THIS?
I’d wager that some of them are overcompensating for the fact that they have had the whole “size does matter” bit tossed in their faces a few too many times. I mean even now when someone wants to insult a man the first thing they reach for is his penis size.
If people want guys to stop doing stuff like that then quit hanging penis size over our heads like it’s the only measuring stick for how much of a man we are.
I agree, people REALLY need to stop acting like penis size not only matters, but that it matters more than anything else about a man. I know that some women do indeed exploit insecurities about penis size. However, I would guess that at least half of the insecurities are caused by other men. For example, the idea that only a super-huge penis can satisfy a woman is baffling to me, as I and I’m sure a lot of women know that a super-huge penis can cause a hell of a lot of pain if sex is not conducted with great care. Where the hell did this idea come from? I really think that any woman who has slept with a few men and seen a range of penis sizes will not be able to make any real (i.e. not made up to make someone feel worse/better) correlation between how good the sex was and how large the penis was. You can have amazing sex with a man with a penis of any size.
There is a (small, but evident) group of men who think the single most attractive thing they can do is send a woman they barely know a picture of their erect penis…
Honestly, I don’t think most of these men think it’s attractive, or that it’s likely to get them dates. They’re just the internet version of a street flasher who gets off on sexually harassing random people, only a bit more cowardly.
I wish I could edit my comment! I wanted to add that I don’t think there’s anything wrong with sending cock shots (or vag shots) to someone you’re already in a sexual relationship with- I’m just speaking about unsolicited pictures from strangers above.
While it’s not sending such a picture I have seen a woman with a picture of her disembodied vulva as the profile picture. There were several actually on the same site, and plenty of male profiles with dick pics. Seems it was accepted behaviour on that site.
But in general female sexuality is seen as pure, good and desireable while male sexuality is dirty, bad and even straight women are expected to wish they didn’t need men to have sex. The result is that it’s culturally meaningful for a man to try to push his sexuality on a woman but not the other way around.
Some people probably just want to be vulgar/rude/make the recipient uncomfortable which doesn’t require a penis of your own to do it with. Take for instance Rebecca Watson (noted for crusading against among other things dick pics) sending an ASCII drawing of an erect penis to the Coffee Loving Skeptic
But in general female sexuality is seen as pure, good and desireable while male sexuality is dirty, bad and even straight women are expected to wish they didn’t need men to have sex.
I’d disagree with this, for the most part. I think both male and female sexuality are both viewed as dirty, and women aren’t even supposed to want sex at all, while men are supposed to want it all the time.
Women aren’t supposed to want sex at all, because the male sexuality is (seen as) dirty and bad and will “contaminate” them…
Now you’re just reducing the BS women face to being defined by the BS men face. Women get shit about their sexuality being dirty absent any man at all or even any intent to be sexual.
I agree that he is being reductionist, and re-framing things in an inappropriate way.
However, there is a kernel of truth in what he’s saying. In general, women are viewed as defiling _themselves_ with their sexuality, whereas men are viewed as defiling _others_ with their sexuality (in particular, women). And, conversely, women are generally seen as benefiting _others_ with their sexuality, and men are generally seen as benefiting only _themselves_ with their sexuality. Or, in a nutshell, sex is viewed as harming women and benefiting men.
This can definitely give the impression of women as pure creatures that are defiled by toxic male sexuality. And certainly I grew up feeling like my sexuality was harmful to women (i.e. almost any sexual partner I might desire) due to messages along those lines, and that really messed me up. But of course you are right that it’s a gross and selective simplification.
In reality, it’s a complex issue, and no one wins. (Almost) everyone loses.
I do understand what you’re saying. But just think for a minute about what girls/women deal with *absent* the boy/man to even “defile” them. We’re told in various ways how inherently high-maintenance our genitalia are and all the ways it is gross and “other” before a penis even touches it (if it ever does). We’re also told that behaving in ways that express our sexuality/is perceived as expressing our sexuality cannotes psychological problems. That is only scratching the surface. Bottom line, being told that somehow only *male* sexuality is seen as “dirty” is incredibly frustrating. On top of that, we’re already not allowed to be seen as sexual creatures as it is.
Bottom line, being told that somehow only *male* sexuality is seen as “dirty” is incredibly frustrating.
I think that frustration is a reflection of years of men being told that we are inherently dirty (instead of sugar and spice and everything nice), are supposed to be dirty (“real men” are dirty apparently), exist to get women dirty (because it’s all about the sex for us supposedly), and that that dirt is a defining part of being male.
Girls/women are told that they have to do all those things in order to stay clean. Boys and men are told that we cannot be clean period.
Like Xakudo said pretty much everyone loses.
Exactly. I think the problem think that if “dirty” can be synonymous with “predatory,” which accurately describes the negative result of viewing (het) male sexuality as an always-on unstoppable force which everybody around them must tip-toe around, then it can’t apply to views on female sexuality.
Het women aren’t supposed to desire sex and thus anything implying the contrary is chalked-up to pathology, treachery, or immorality (also synonymous with “dirty”). As the receptacles, our genitalia are volatile and soiled upon use/perception of use or the slightest hint a woman may desire sexual pleasure without first the validation of a man. Simultaneously, both we and our genitalia have a shelf-life; regardless of contact with a penis, we’ll wither up and becomes useless eventually!
There are a lot of unstated assumptions here, Ozy. Firstly, you seem to think that the men sending cock pics are the same guys spamming the “hey there, ur sexy” messages. Why? I mean I know you find both annoying, but that doesn’t mean it’s the same people doing them. Maybe you think they speak of a similar disregard for women’s feelings… but I’m not seeing any explanation along those lines.
You suggest men send pictures of their chests and arses instead, but I don’t think that really works. It’s partly a trust thing – by sending somebody a picture of an area you don’t display to most people, and that you would probably feel uncomfortable displaying to most people, you’re making a gesture of trust and intimacy (even if it is somewhat illusory, since it’s quite easy to just leave that cock pic floating out there with few consequences if the receiver turns out not to be somebody you want to trust further). Showing them a chest pic doesn’t really do that. Showing them an ass pic does to a certain extent, but a cock pic goes further. Pictures of hot shirtless men are not really a good counter-argument.
Also, anecdotally, men who sleep with men do seem to be reasonably interested in cock pics. I’ve heard a few gay guys talking about how they enjoy getting them. Might not be representative, but you did ask for anecdata.
Although it’s been 5 years since I’ve dated online, I can say this is far more common among men who have sex with men than straight men. In fact, many people will advertise themselves (usually for casual sex) using dick pictures even on their profiles depending on the website or app. I think it’s much more acceptable for gay men, but you do also see a lot more shirtless pics than dick pics. I haven’t personally received one unsolicited, but I’m also not particularly interested in casual sex for the most part.
Aside: I don’t have any statistics to back this up, but anecdotally it does seem to me that there are many more gay men who take steroids in order to be pretty by having BIG MUSCLEZ. Isn’t it also more common for gay men to have eating disorders?
As an aside;
I’ve seen many, many women proclaim that they are not attracted to guys who are extremely muscular. I’ve never seen one proclaim that they are. It seems that the idea that HUEG MUSCLEZ is the general male sexual ideal is actually a misconception that exists so women who like tall men with little body hair and low body fat can tell themselves that they are not buying into the mainstream.
Well, *someone* is watching all those Channing Tatum movies…
Not me, though I will be seeing MM on Friday. I’m kind of scared!
Channing Tatum is not extremely muscular though. I think when women say they’re not attracted to guys who are extremely muscular, they’re referring to the freakishly huge bodybuilders like Ronnie Coleman, Jay Cutler and Dennis Wolf.
Right, that’s what I’ve always taken from it. The supposed ideal is more muscles = better.
Ewwww, no. That’s an extreme that appeals to *some* people, but not a majority according to the women that I know. Most of us like a variety of body types and not the extremes.
And I’ve seen too many examples of people dating, sleeping with, and/or marrying people who totally deviate from their proclamations about what they’re attracted to.
I have a theory that we, as people, claim to be attracted to positive traits in other people, but what we really do is ascribe or project positive traits to people that we are attracted to…
@FlyingKal: This is as good a time as any to bring up sapiosexuality.
@Hugh: I’m not really sure about that connection.
AFAIK “sapiosexualtiy” means being attracted to someone’s mind/intellect. And my point was not that people are attrcated to something special. Just that what they are attracted to is not what thay say they are.
I think there is a often a difference between what we like to look at (rather one-dimensional, pleasing to the eye) versus the real 3D person that we fall in love with, which is more about the complex and intangible chemistry/attraction thing than looks (if someone could figure out the attraction formula, they’d be rich…much as someone who could figure out the athletic success formula for pro sports). Often, the person we fall in love with has a variety of things that get and keep our attention, whereas that nice looking person in the ad or on the TV is forgotten 15 seconds later.
Here’s another theory: http://www.wired.com/wiredscience/2012/05/opinion-naked-sexting/.
Ogi Ogas is kind of a hack. Like a lot of evo-psych writers, he presents a whole lot of speculation and assumption accompanied by very little solid evidence.
Many women I’ve talked to think their vulva is ugly (it isn’t ladies!) and this could be why, they’re more likely to let someone see their breasts than their vulva. The men may assume their penis will be seen as sexy and it will turn her on which can lead to more sexytimes?
And that may be why they get sent.
If you’re a guy who gets off on being sexually aggressive (ideally consensually sexually aggressive, though perhaps not willing to go the BDSM route), your goal is to find women who are less likely to be turned off by sexual aggression (either because you care about consent or because you don’t want to risk being charged with rape).
The logical thing to do is to then use the most sexually aggressive message you can think of. Those who are turned off by aggression won’t respond, and you’re not wasting your time feeling things out any further.
Men seeking men ads used to be almost nothing but “cock shots”. It appears to have been toned down in recent years, but there’s still quite a lot of it. No, I have no idea why, and I’ve never done that personally. (One guy specifically requested one from me, because according to him it’s “totally sexy”. But that’s just one person.)
I think another reason is while it takes a lot of work to develop and maintain a hard (conventionally-attractive) body, it’s fairly easy to come up with a hard cock. The ease of shooting a penis versus a vulva doesn’t hurt.
http://goodmenproject.com/moustacheclubofamerica/how-not-to-send-dick-pics-a-beginners-guide/
This covers a few of the same bases. via brett favre analysis
I think how porn has a tendency to reduce the man to a disembodied cock makes some men think that’s how men participate in sexy imagery– it’s INCREDIBLY male gaze-y, but it doesn’t occur to some that women might want to see something different.
Erect, look at what I got here, Pee-Pees freak me the fuck out. Seriously. Its why I can’t stand porn. Too many scary ass erections lurching around the room. Like a fucking Godzilla movie for dicks.
Thank god there’s all that girl/girl porn out there for you and the millions of guys like you!
Actually, its not the dicks per se. I don’t mind a dick or two from a respectful distance. Like far enough away to see something other than the dick. Maybe the people attached to the dicks? Its the vantage point. It’s the movement of genitalia shot from three inches away and going on for HOURS. Who, the fuck watches that?
That’s how I feel about porn — all the giant dicks waving aroud just freak me out, and the endless in-and-out shots seem clinical and completely non-erotic.
Well, it doesn’t do it for me, but I’m sure some people think it’s hot, and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that.
I think there are an awful lot of men who are just at loss as what women are attracted to. Since the number of messages we are receiving about what NOT to do and behave, outnumber the messages about what to do and how to behave, by a ratio probably exceeding 1000:1. And since we can’t seem to do the right thing no matter what, we might just as well go for the chock effect. Hence the penis pictures.
I am over 40 years old. Although not a muscular type of guy, I’ve always been fit and in fairly good shape. I like intelligent people and an interesting conversation just as much as anyone, but I also like looking at and touching a female body. And if I have the chance to do so, I’m also not afraid of letting that person know what I think about what I see. But I don’t know when was the last time someone looked at me with hunger and lust in their eyes, and downright told me that I, my body, is attractive and sexy and evoke urges in them. Damn, I don’t even think that it’s ever happened more than 10 times in total in all my life… I can go lay naked on the bed and if my girlfriend enters the room I’m most likely to get a laugh out of her than anything else!
Every woman is different, of course, but personally I don’t get particularly lustful just from looking at my boyfriend’s body, at least not when it’s devoid of any context. I get more turned on by sexy situations, his voice, his face, his desire for me, touching him and being touched. I love his body (he’s tall, he’s got a great smile, and a politically incorrect hairy chest, mmm) –but I’m not very visual, I guess. I like erotic novels, but watching porn bores me.
I know what you mean.
But…
I have some troubles grasping this “devoid of context”. I’m not saying that every occasion where one is naked should lead to sex! But, there’s still the context of being in a (supposedly) sexual relation with another person. Shouldn’t one be somewhat attracted to that person and his/her body, and be able to appreciate and in some way express that attraction without it necessarily being in a sexual situation?
If you (general you, not you personally) are always reacting and never acting, how can your partner be sure what you really want?
It’s like someone complaining “My husband never takes the initiative to say he loves me. He just says “Me too!” whan I say I love him”.
I guess for me, like I said, I’m not very visual. I’m not really turned on just by looking at a male body, even if it’s my boyfriend’s. I might think “he looks nice, I like that” — but I don’t feel great stirrings of lust. It’s not what arouses me. It’s not that I don’t appreciate his body. I think he’s attractive. And I do initiate sex with my boyfriend (I don’t just react to what he does) but it’s usually because I’ve gotten myself turned on by thinking about sex. Like, we might be sitting on the couch cuddling up watching TV and I start thinking sexy thoughts. I start thinking about the last time we had sex and how turned on I was. That sort of thing.
Well, women have different turn offs, so if you listen to enough women talking about their turn offs, then yea, eventually you will hear basically everything described as a turn off. The trick is not to treat them as anything other than a particular woman’s opinion. Perhaps the women you’ve been listening to tend to universalise or politicise their preferences, or perhaps you’re inferring it, or something in between, but that’s not really the issue.
I mean, listening to a lot of women talking about their turnoffs and concluding “Wow, everything is a problem” is about as legit as listening to a lot of women talking about their turn ons and concluding “Wow, anything goes!”
I have to agree with FlyingKal, I think the d*ck pics represent a ‘”What the hell, nothing else has gotten me a response, this can’t be any more unsuccessful” shot in the dark. They figure they’ve got nothing to lose by trying it.