Ah, nothing like picking on an easy target early in the morning. And Takimag’s Twelve Step Plan for American Machismo is the easiest of targets. Apparently, the premise of the article is that American men are insufficiently manly, and therefore women don’t want to sleep with them.
1) Stop ordering women’s drinks.
Acceptable drinks: Budweiser, possibly other beers, whiskey, bourbon. Drinks that are not allowed: mixed drinks, low-calorie drinks, wine except at dinner.
Now, I’m straightedge myself, so my entire alcohol experience has been limited to a taste of my ex-boyfriend’s trademark butterbeer cocktail and occasional sips of other people’s wine to attempt to find a kind of wine that doesn’t taste fucking nasty. But isn’t Budweiser a crappy beer? My beer snob friends keep telling me you’re only supposed to drink, like, microbrews and shit. I am not sure why manliness is expressed through drinking a type of beer that is terrible.
Sexist Ideas Count: femmephobia, the bizarre idea that men can’t be healthy.
2) Carry a briefcase.
Acceptable: with suit, leather briefcase or Filson; on bike, backpack made of old-timey canvas and leather. Not allowed: courier bag; straps; with suit, nylon zip bag, tote, backpack; backpack with gel pockets and waterproof headphone holes; gadget packs; wearing backpack in the elevator.
Let the record show I have no idea what half those things are, but have faithfully transcribed them for the benefit of my more knowledgeable readers. It is unknown what it is acceptable to carry if you are neither on a bike or wearing a suit. Briefcases look weird with jeans and a T-shirt. Or do Real Men wear suits to the beach? Also, for Christ’s sake, carrying a backpack looks ridiculous and hurts your arms; I’m not knocking it if it’s someone’s style, but backpacks have straps for a purpose.
Sexist Ideas Count: femmephobia, success myth, whatever you call the idea that old-fashioned stuff is MANLY and AWESOME.
3) What is on your head?
Acceptable: unknown. Unacceptable: bike helmets, fedoras except as part of a full 1940s ensemble.
But trilbies are good, right? We can still wear trilbies?
So apparently we’re supposed to pretend it’s the fifties, but pretending it’s the forties is Right Out. Personally I believe people should pretend it’s whatever decade makes them most happy, but don’t listen to me, I occasionally dress like a Ramone.
Also Christ I have to excerpt this sentence:
And what can I say about bike helmets that hasn’t been said about retarded people?… Just as my reaction to these ridiculous drunk-driving laws is, “If you can’t command a vehicle after two beers, you can’t command a vehicle,” I say, “If you can’t ride a bicycle without wearing an extra skull, you can’t ride a bicycle.”
TAKIMAG ARE YOU AWARE THAT EVERY PERSON WORKING FOR YOU IS THE WORST PERSON EVER?
Sexist ideas count: the bizarre idea that men can’t be healthy, whatever you call the idea that old-fashioned stuff is MANLY and AWESOME except the old-fashioned stuff we don’t like.
4) No umbrellas.
Acceptable: getting soaked. Not allowed: umbrellas.
I spent my formative years in Florida, so my idea of what counts as a rainstorm is forever skewed. I’m not going to go bring an umbrella during a light shower (=”rainstorm” to non-Floridians), but in an actual storm (=”AARRRRGH WHAT IS THIS DID SOMEONE BUILD AN ARK AND NOT TELL ME”) you are going to need an umbrella, assuming you don’t like wringing your clothes out for fifteen minutes before you can wash them. That is not a manliness thing! That is a people thing!
Sexist Ideas Count: what is this I don’t even
5) Cut down on shorts.
Acceptable: suits on a bike if you’re going a few blocks, shorts when biking a long time, small tennis shorts if the temperature is above 90 degrees and not at night. Not allowed: cargo shorts, “wigger shorts.”
“To let our pants go wet with sweat during a heat wave is to deprive women the right to let their panties go wet with lust.” Poll: how many women are feeling their panties go wet with lust over this dude?
Sexist Ideas Count: homophobia.
6) Get that goo out of your hair.
Acceptable: Brylcreem to slick back hair. Not allowed: spiking hair.
YOU WILL TAKE MY GEL FROM MY COLD DEAD HANDS
Sexist ideas count: homophobia, femmephobia.
7) You may only cry at movies.
Acceptable: crying a single tear at Up, crying while standing tall at funerals, silent heaves into your hand. Not allowed: any other kind of crying.
The previously-mentioned ex-boyfriend watches Up at least twice a week and has been occasionally known to have all-day Up marathons. I dunno, this is very “boys don’t cry” shite, justified by the idea that you have to PROTECT YOUR WOMAN and if you don’t you will FAIL AS A MAN, but I’m kind of pleased at the idea that real men watch Pixar movies. Because Pixar movies are awesome and even gender-enforcing asshats can see it.
Sexist ideas count: “boys don’t cry,” knight/beast dichotomy.
8) Stop caressing her and fuck her.
Acceptable: rape. Not allowed: listening to sexless lesbians for sex advice.
Takimag you are full of the worst people alive. Did you know that “no” doesn’t mean no? Instead, three “no”s means no! Look, TakiMag dude, I’m not going to address your soul or your sense of empathy, because you sold them both two years back for a bigger cock. Just think about your pure self-interest. Would you rather fuck a woman begging you for your cock, screaming in pleasure when you fuck her, digging her fingers into your back as she writhes under you? Or would you rather masturbate into the vagina of a woman who doesn’t really want to be there? Which of these sounds like good sex to you? Would you, in fact, rather have less really super-awesome sex or more terrible sex that traumatizes your sex partner? The sexless lesbians have this shit figured out!
Also ahahahahaha sexless lesbians. I’d get some of the lesbians I know to comment on that, but they’re too busy doing suspension-bondage fisting after a touch of fireplay.
Sexist Ideas Count: homophobia, RAPE CULTURE OH GOD SO MUCH RAPE CULTURE.
9) Cover your man toes.
Acceptable: sneakers– yes, even at the beach. Not allowed: “mandals.”
I love this. “La la la la la fedoras suck we like crap beer la YAY RAPE la la mandals.” Talk about your mood whiplash. Apparently sandals suck because you can’t fight people in them? Good to know.
Sexist Ideas Count: men are violent.
10) What’s on your T-Shirt?
Acceptable: T-shirts, grudgingly. Not allowed: band shirts.
This guy hates the Ramones. Further proof– in case the ableism, the pro-drunk-driving, and the yay rape weren’t enough– that TakiMag is full of the worst people alive. Is it just me or is this entire list about clothes? I thought men didn’t care about fashion!
Sexist Ideas Count: …actually remarkably non-sexist. But shit, man, who dislikes the Ramones?
11) You can only call your wife once a day.
Acceptable: one, private phone call per day with your wife. Not allowed: checking in with her after a meeting, asking your wife’s input before making a major decision.
Because real human relationships are for sissies, right? God forbid we ask the advice of those we love, that’s the worst. Thing. Ever. Unilateral decision-making is the best possible thing for your relationship! You definitely wouldn’t marry someone whose input and opinion you trust and value. That would be absurd!
Sexist ideas count: femmephobia, success myth, virgin-shaming, “men are loners who don’t care about anyone or at least better pretend to,” women like purses.
12) iPads are for girls.
Acceptable: notepads. Not allowed: Didn’t you read the title? iPads.
Because… men can’t play Angry Birds? Or something?
A grown man is meant to be prepared for conflict and provide for his wife and family. Indulging oneself like a gay teen on vacation is not only abandoning your post, it’s leaving women to pick up the slack.
Instead be a manly man! Rape women, never ask your wife’s advice about anything, and don’t wear sandals!