The Globe and Mail ran an interesting article on a various programs that are trying to teach boys to be good men. I tend to be suspicious of programs that teach boys to be good men, because they make me wonder why we aren’t teaching kids to be good people. Being a good person has very little to do with what gender you are. However, biology or socialization might make one gender more likely than a different gender to express certain forms of crappy-ass behavior, and it’s appropriate to have programs to address this.
Several programs are discussed in the article: WiseGuyz, which is a sex education program for male teenagers; MOST, run by Men Can Stop Rape (gah worst name EVER), an anti-rape program for male teens and college students; the Walk a Mile in Her Shoes Campaign, which enlists frat boys to walk in high heels to raise money for rape crisis centers and domestic violence shelters; Coaching Boys into Men, which teaches athletic coaches how to take advantage of teachable moments to talk about rape and domestic violence. The goals of these programs– lessening the incidence of rape and domestic violence and STI transmission, promoting healthy relationships and masculinity– are all, of course, laudable, and the idea of doing so through education instead of shaming is a very good idea. In particular, Mr. Spencer, the teacher of WiseGuyz, seems remarkably sensible, assuming you read “the script about what sexual relationships should be has been written for young men” as meaning “society has prepared a script about how sex is supposed to work,” not “the script has been written for the benefit of young men.” As we’ve covered on NSWATM ad nauseam, the current sexual script disadvantages many men too– the low-libido, the shy, the passive.
I think the identification of the problem– frat-boy culture and artificial ideas of masculinity– is extremely important. For too long people haven’t realized that, as damaging as misogynistic ideas are to women, the mindset that makes misogynistic ideas possible is also damaging to men. It cuts them off from their humanity and from real relationships with women and with other men. Honestly, a model of sex built around mutual pleasure is much more enjoyable for everyone involved than a model of sex based around conquest. (I do wish that these programs would cover that men can be raped and in fact make up almost a quarter of rape survivors, but such is life.)
There is one element of this article that makes me facepalm– the demonization of porn. Look, I’m the first in line to say porn is sexist as all hell. So are romantic comedies. But you wouldn’t have horrified statistics about how 75% of men have seen romantic comedies by the time they’re fifteen, would you? That’s rooted in anti-sex sentiment. What we need is both unrealistic media like romantic comedies and porn, and education that tells people exactly how unrealistic they are and gives people tools to discover a healthy relationship.
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That’s interesting that the Walk A Mile campaign targets frat boys. Considering their hazing rituals, there’s a very good chance that they have been sexually assaulted. You could also say a very large proportion of them are rape survivors, if you consider having sex with someone while they’re intoxicated to be rape.
IMO, the Walk a Mile campaign IS a hazing ritual.
Except for the entirely voluntary aspect, of course…
If you count child abuse, a large proportion of men are rape survivors.
“Honestly, a model of sex built around mutual pleasure is much more enjoyable for everyone involved than a model of sex based around conquest.”
I completely agree. I even started a dating advice forum centered around that idea.
Yeah… the whole anti porn thing is just embarassing. Personally I hope they keep it up though, it absolutely discredits them. It’s right up there with flouridisation and precious bodily fluids. XD
Not to mention that some amateur porn (note I said SOME) avoids the bizarre sexism that’s pretty much expected in mainstream porn. Also, is it just me, or are professional porn stars of both sexes (on average) hideous compared to their amateur counterparts?
“I tend to be suspicious of programs that teach boys to be good men, because they make me wonder why we aren’t teaching kids to be good people. Being a good person has very little to do with what gender you are.”
And here you understand why the name of this website (the Good Men Project, not NSWATM) annoys me.
This website primarily talks about issues that concern men so I think that’s acceptable.
Perhaps I haven’t seen very much porn, but what I have seen doesn’t seem so much sexist as it is unrealistic – both in sex and general human interaction. With so many young people turning to porn as part of their sex education, there does need to be some caveats that porn is like 95% of all fictional entertainment – it’s fantasy, not something to model your life on.
I’ve met several guys who had abstinence-only “sex education.”* They told me that they learned everything they know about reproductive anatomy from porn.
I shouldn’t have to say why this is deeply concerning.
*Which doesn’t teach anything about how reproduction works, much less about consent, birth control, or what an OB/GYN is for. It is literally the constant repetition of “Birth control fails sometimes (no, you can’t see the statistics), and some people want sex with you for exploitative reasons, so JUST DON’T DO IT until you’ve got a ring on your finger BECAUSE WE SAID SO!!!”
Great article! Just wanna comment quickly about how much I agree about the comparison between porn and romantic comedies. Both are fantasies painting an unrealistic view of the world. The difference is that we can talk openly about how romantic comedies are wrong and challenge the ideas presented in them (well, hopefully we can, anyway) – if we could do that more for porn, we’d be much better off!
“we can talk openly about how romantic comedies are wrong and challenge the ideas presented in them (well, hopefully we can, anyway) – if we could do that more for porn, we’d be much better off!”
Maybe it’s just me, but I think it’s the other way around. Porn is usually demonized as wrong even by people who haven’t seen it or much of it. Rom coms are usually given a pass, one possible exception being Pretty Woman because it was about a hooker (I’m not sure if that’s a rom com or just a romance).
Thank you so much for this article.
As we’ve covered on NSWATM ad nauseam, the current sexual script disadvantages many men too– the low-libido, the shy, the passive.
Not to mention, the ones with a low-libido partner.
Ozy: I think the reason society isn’t teaching KIDS to be good PEOPLE is because as a society we don’t think there is anything wrong with girls or women , so no need to fix what isn’t already broken , according to the current beliefs in society.
Considering the news stories I’ve heard in the past few years about middle-school-age girls beating other girls to death, this is a horrifying idea. The last thing we need to do is give ANYONE, of either sex, the idea that they’re better by virtue of an inborn trait. It makes people cruel.
What irks me about these programs is almost to a one, they judge being a good man by how that man treats women, not how they treat themselves and while treating women well is a good thing, it shouldn’t be the end all be all of being good an IMHO, right now it is the end all be all. Every single program for boys has that leaning. The message is “If you are a good man, you will treat women good, END STOP”
Damn straight.
Its amazing that people can say with a straight face that they want to “help men” and then take all the ways in which men are harmed/harming themselves and then cut away anything that can’t be fit into the model of “real men treat women right”.
This is very counter productive, especially with men that have been raised on the notion that they need to walk on eggshells with women and put women up on pedastals. They were damaged by unhealthy thoughts of it being all about women and then you think you’re going to heal them by making the treatment all about women?
. For too long people haven’t realized that, as damaging as misogynistic ideas are to women, the mindset that makes misogynistic ideas possible is also damaging to men.
Perhaps its just me but I’m not convinced its a matter of not realizing but active denial in some cases now.
I just really feel uncomfortable when my female friends gush over Men Can Stop Rape. It’s well-intentioned, I know that, but was “People Can Stop Rape” just not eye-catching enough?
Or even better “You Can Stop Rape.”