Noah posted yesterday on hegemonic heterosexuality and the Cult of Shitty Relationships. In this post I’d like to pick out one thread of it to discuss. Specifically, the archetypical, hegemonic idea of what men want in bed.
I was prompted to think about this by Cosmo, which I am tragically addicted to, and which is in the midst of a multiyear project to ask a bunch of men what they think about various traits and thus access the Great Male Hivemind and discover the true secrets of male sexuality. For instance, did you know that men don’t want their partners to swear? Or quote Lord of the Rings?
Fuck, I’m doomed to celibacy.
As far as I can determine from my extensive research in reading Cosmo and watching romantic comedies, in Hegemonic Heterosexuality Land, sex is a war between men and women. Women, of course, don’t want sex except with a loving, committed partner and/or a loving, committed vampire; in those circumstances, women basically crave cunnilingus and cuddles. Men, however, like Kinky Sex.
It is important to understand here that “kinky sex” doesn’t mean actually kinky sex. No one is wielding a flogger or practicing rope bondage or roleplaying Sherlock Holmes or using a Violet Wand. Instead, “kinky sex” means “sex, except, like, sexier.”
So men like anal sex. Men like threesomes, as long as they’re with two women, because threesomes with multiple men are gay. Men like titfucking and facials and comeshots and other things that look good on porn screens. Men like sex in public or in unconventional locations and sex in uncomfortable and acrobatic positions. Men like lingerie. Men like tying women up. Men like blowjobs. Men like rough sex, as long as it’s male-dominant rough sex, doesn’t leave any marks afterward, and doesn’t involve toys. Men like raunchy dirty talk. Men like naughty nurses and naughty schoolgirls and lots of other stuff that begins with “naughty.”
Now, there are several possible circumstances in which a woman might end up fulfilling these desires. She might be a “lady in the streets and a freak in the bed,” and thus the Holy Grail of male desires. She might be a bad-girl slut who disrespects herself and is probably “crazy,” because women cannot have sex because they want sex, but only for Mysterious Ladybrain Reasons; in that case, lots of men want to sleep with her, but she is almost certainly not The One. She might be pressured into it by a dude, in which case we need all kinds of serious pundit-type people talking about Women Getting Pressured Into Anal Sex. (You will notice that none of these situations are “women actually want to.” This is because,women don’t like sex except for the aforementioned cunnilingus and cuddles.)
Men who don’t like the stuff Men Like simply do not exist. Sure, there are probably a few Sensitive New Age Guys who won’t pressure women into doing it, but they all get off on anal sex secretly. The ones who don’t get points, the way that men who like cunnilingus get points.
In addition, there are certain kinds of sex no one is allowed to like. Pegging, for instance. Foot fetishes. Sadism. Any sort of sex that involves a sex toy (except maybe a vibrator, and even then it’s probably “threatening” to the dude). If you like this stuff, you are probably (depending on the exact fetish) queer, a pervert, pathetic, creepy, or a rapist.
The funny thing about Stuff Men Like is that proving it wrong only requires about five seconds of thought. If I consciously think “hey, men all like anal sex,” my brain will instantly crowd with counterexamples, namely, every man I’ve ever slept with. But if it’s just there in the background, as an unstated premise, the cultural detritus picked up from years of living in sex-negative society… well, I start arguing against “sex-positive feminism gives into the patriarchy because it encourages women to do what men want in bed” with “no, it encourages people to do what they want in bed, that is the whole point” as opposed to “what the fuck does that even mean?”
I mean, Christ. We’re going to try to get Tim Gunn, Maymay, James Deen, James Dobson, and that one porn star who keeps making women vomit with his cock to agree on what a fun sex life looks like? Good luck.
1. Men like women who accept, 100%, that being horny is what God intended man to be. He did not create Adam to be a submissive, asexual wimp, did he? 2. Men like women who treat them as adults, not frightened little four year old boys. You want a man to starting fucking his secretary’s brains out, mollycoddle his dick into impotence. It is an absolute no-lose bet….. 3. Men like women who accept men need male time with other men, doing male things. Not every hour of every day, but regularly. Absence makes the cock grow faster and all… Read more »
@theLapaceDemon your preference is opposite of mine, and there’s nothing wrong with that Agreed in both directions. @Lynet and anyone who implies that doing it “correctly” is a simple matter can fuck off. “Simple” isn’t always synonymous with “easy” or “quick”. It took me quite a few tries and quite a lot of effort (over the course of many weeks) to get my first plug all the way in. Nothing in the process would I not characterize as simple, however. Also, I’m not trying to imply that the only people who don’t engage in anal-play are those who haven’t tried… Read more »
*Of course, hegemonic heterosexuality strikes again, because she had a lot of guilt about not being about to have sex “properly”, to the extent of offering anal out of the blue, despite the fact that she didn’t particularly enjoy it (though, as far as I could tell, didn’t have as much trouble as you), because, of course 1) It was her fault for having a medical condition. 2) If a man can’t get PIV, obviously the only thing that could satisfy him would be to go more “extreme” by offering anal. I’m sort of in that position, and it’s not… Read more »
Anal sex looks awesome on-screen, but I wouldn’t actually try it. It seems like it would be really gross. I don’t even think I’d agree to do it if she wanted it.
I don’t mind using vibrators on my girl or using other types of sex toys or whatever. They don’t “intimidate” me or anything like that.
I also like it rough… But not “male dominated”.
I like to be the dominant one sometimes… Other times I like her to be.
That’s just my male perspective.
Oh, yeah, I know not every man who wants anal wants it because it can be painful! Some guys just like a girl’s ass and figure any kind of sex that involves it sounds pretty hot. Heck, I bet there are even guys who only want anal because their girlfriend gets off on it and it’s fun to make her happy. I do think there’s a cultural narrative that anal is more ‘extreme’ and that getting a woman to agree to it is worth some kind of extra-high bonus for making her “give it up”. I do think — though… Read more »
@Lynet: Everyone is going to have a different experience. Different bodies are different. I had a girlfriend with vaginismus so “ordinary” PIV penetration was painful(*). That doesn’t mean that every man who wants PIV wants it because it’s painful for their partner. *Of course, hegemonic heterosexuality strikes again, because she had a lot of guilt about not being about to have sex “properly”, to the extent of offering anal out of the blue, despite the fact that she didn’t particularly enjoy it (though, as far as I could tell, didn’t have as much trouble as you), because, of course 1)… Read more »
If [anal sex] really hurts you simply aren’t doing it correctly: either you’re not relaxed enough, or not using enough lubrication, or you’re trying to fit something far too large for your first time. Really? Because my experience is that anal play is something that has to be very, very arousing in order not to hurt. It’s not just a simple matter of being relaxed and thinking of England. Also, I have the boyfriend I have, so I’m pretty much stuck with his penis being the size it is. I hate it when people imply that anal sex is easy.… Read more »
Personally, I’ve never understood the notion that you can accurately gauge the pleasure someone is having in a sexual encounter by the face they’re pulling at any particular moment. If you watch feminist educational videos (some of the stuff posted on Betty Dodson’s site, for instance) of solo women masturbating and orgasming, their faces are hardly always smiles and rapture. Alternatively, try watching your own face during masturbation (or sex), and tell the parts where you were in joy just by your expression.
I prefer it to be painful otherwise I don’t feel much of anything.
/neither here nor there
Sorry, monkey 🙁 Loneliness sucks.
Sigh. This all makes me feel so lonely 🙁
Power dynamics: classic kink material.
Also, it’s not all that easy to find sadists. Much to my dismay 🙁
@Daisy Regarding the example you used with the “casting couch” porn, which indeed seems to have risen in popularity – my impression is (and i must put in the disclaimer that this is only based on my own reactions and tangential conversation with a very small group of very close friends) – the focus is not on the pain itself. It’s the domination aspect of it – basically, look, she has to do something she doesn’t like to, but she is doing it any way because we have the power (whether that power is financial, physical, social. whatever), and it’s… Read more »
@PetroniusArbiter:
I think it may be a bit of a D/s thing. The watcher is acting as a bottom following the instructions of a top.
Daisy, a lot of those painful anal scenes are straight-up kinky fantasy, and not only men find it hot. PLENTY of prep work usually goes on behind-the-scene. (I’d like to see more of it on-screen as well, but rough sex is part of the fantasy.) Speaking of grimaces: am I supposed to keep my “oh god this feels awesome” expression sufficiently composed, or am I allowed to screw up my face and come? Not to mention that for masochists (one of the most common kinks, with scratching and pulling hair well-accepted in even mainstream depictions of sex) the ow-face and… Read more »
“Why not show her rapturous and loving it, instead of in pain? Are you claiming lots of anal-sex porn isn’t like this? Porn exists to arouse, so its a pretty good barometer of what consumers want to see.” Daisy, there’s a ton of porn where the lady seems likes anal and is clearly not in pain. Also, just because someone likes to watch something doesn’t mean they like to do something. I, for example, like to watch fantasy movies with swords and heads being chopped off…but, in real life, I feel bad when I am forced to pick weeds and… Read more »
@ Daisy,
In my social group, blow-up dolls have never been openly discussed as anything other than a joke, or something you give as a novelty present in order to embarrass another man. “Tools” would usually be considered something like a Fleshlight or Real Doll, both of which are typically stigmatised as being something for sad losers. I can only speak for my own group of friends, however.
The funny thing is that I have never tought about this, because men using tools is such a taboo. Blow up dolls are taboo? Since when? They are pretty big business, have their own message boards and everything. One of my (female) Facebook friends actually collects them. When I try to participate on the sex threads with yall, feel like I am some Martian trying to understand Earthlings. I assume this is age, but sometimes I think it is class. I mean, every biker club has one guy w/a blow-up doll, its almost a requirement. Not taboo, but I guess… Read more »
f: @Park S., I don’t know what your social situation is, but I can safely say that anyone who tried to discredit their ex with me by saying, “He liked to do THIS in bed!” would be greeted with a blank stare and a “Are you sure it’s really appropriate for you to be telling me this?” That is a textbook example of how to shoot yourself in the foot. If both ex-partners went around blabbing about the other? Wow, what a circular firing squad. Um, I take it you are under 50? Your experience is not everyone’s. Most women… Read more »
Park S. says: “The meme of men liking woman’s suffering during sex that floats around so many feminist sites quite perplexes me. I don’t know if it’s because social justice people tend to give the mind-shaping power of media far too much credit, or if they really think men are just generally bastards, but outside of those for whom pain is a fetish I think most men are more empathetic than that. Tolerate some pain or discomfort as a temporary, unfortunate consequence of trying new things? Sure. That pain being an end unto itself? Not nearly what the Jezebel article… Read more »
Park: That Jezebel article paints rather an unfair portrait of anal sex. There’s no reason it has to be anything more than a bit uncomfortable (and maybe the tiniest, tiniest bit painful) for the person on the receiving end. But the author’s point was that men may WANT it to hurt, if you analyze the anal-sex porn: That care is distinctly absent in most heterosexual porn that depicts anal sex. Indeed, the pain of anal seems to be part of its appeal. One very popular porn genre features a “casting couch” storyline, in which young ingénues are interviewed and then… Read more »
That’s probably part of it, but it’s more like, why do those videos exist? Assuming not all of the performers are exhibitionists, and are posting them for that reason, who is watching? Is it perhaps women and gay men? Is this for comedy reasons, kinda the Jackass of the porn world? Are there people who actually treat them as How To videos? If so, does it feel better than your everyday jerking off, or if not better, at least sufficiently different to warrant the effort put into it? If not, i guess it’s what Thewhorepoet said above – the effort… Read more »
Er, misunderstood the subject of your comment, went off on a tangent. Whoops!
@ PetroniusArbiter,
It’s not really my thing, but I’d imagine it has to do with someone finding your sexuality appealing. I mean, generally it’s women talking about how they really, really like the way you’re jerking off, right? I always found it pretty forced, but I suppose people who get into it like the idea of their desire being desirable.
@Petronius: I imagine the effort is the reward. Lots of people like DIY projects; lots of people like variety; lots of people like fucking stuff.