Child abusers isolate their victims and leverage the secret and their relationships against them.
The primary goal of the sexually abused child is to survive. All else is secondary. However, the child’s description of “survival” in the mode of abuse may surprise you. The perpetrator’s definition or employment of this word is interesting as well.
Given that the vast majority of sexual abusers know their victim—that their victim knows and trusts the abuser—a predictable and common set of cover-up tools come into play for both the abuse perpetrator and the child.
The child that is being sexually abused usually does not cut-and-run in the vast majority of abuse circumstances. You have few places to run to when the abuse is coming from your father, your resident uncle, your mother, your sister or maybe your resident half-brother? “Options” for lack of a better word, are rather limited for a small child or even an adolescent.
The perpetrator will tune-into or identify the limitation of options for the child he or she targets and begin the abuse. The perpetrator typically knows the required elements of life for the child whom just wants to keep things peaceful, predictable and safe for more people than himself.
In so many cases, the child cannot call the police, teacher, principal, or coach for help. He or she cannot end the income of the family by turning in Dad. If Dad is removed from the scene the child knows his or her family will end up in impossible monetary straights, like the neighbor kids who had to move into a shelter when their dad died.
The child may end-up protecting younger siblings and keep the situation quiet by drawing all abuse toward him or herself. Many interviewed survivors have told me that they were already “handling it—so why would I want to shift the focus to my little brother? Why would I allow the secret to spread?”
The scenarios of the child’s scope of perceived protection responsibility are endless if you think about it. The common theme however, is that the abused child feels compelled to protect the family or individuals by maintaining total and secure secrecy. He/she takes the figurative bullet for the family.
They sacrifice health and safety, cry alone in horror and grief, and they reach out to no one. They can’t reach out. They can’t be discovered. They feel a duty to protect those around them (including the abuser). This is equally true for girls as it is for boys.
Several male victims and survivors I know were too distraught to go-on living, yet remained alive in order to keep the family status quo and protect those who were important to them. That includes me.
Far too many of us take our own lives once we are clear of damaging those important to us. That is, male and female victims will deliberately see their younger siblings, ailing parents, etc. to a safe and secure future before ending their life.
The perpetrator knows all of this. He/she exploits the dynamic and pushes its limits to the breaking point and beyond. The resilient child adjusts and moves on in silence.
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The perpetrator will lean heavily on other elements that bring isolation to the environment. The isolation factor is a serious and powerful one. The perpetrator knows and exploits cultural differences. For example: a unique and closed subculture may deliberately and effectively have zero contact with the police in their area.
Subcultures may physically live in isolation. They may have geographic barriers to the outside world. They may be immigrants with language barriers and a universal fear of the world outside their enclave. These scenarios and situation are typically rife with sexual abuse of children. The perpetrator has literally nothing to fear, and in some cases will not even attempt to hide the abuse from those around him/her. Common challenges by the perpetrator are: “What are you going to do? Call the police? Have me sent to jail? We’ll all be deported in no time.”
The family or assembly of players may live in a subculture wherein the police are literally never called, as doing so is considered more taboo than the sexual abuse of a child.
One male survivor I know lived in a hippie commune during his entire childhood. He became the object of sexual abuse for many different members of the commune. He became “community property,” as he put it. “Hippie communes don’t call the police” he said sadly. “There was never any danger of anyone being punished for fucking my body.”
The perpetrator knows the landscape, and the landscape is primed for his/her game of seduction, destruction, and secrecy. He knows that even if the child or a concerned “other party” wants to report or otherwise end the abuse, there are significant hurdles in the way—hurdles that very, very few are willing to jump. Predatory (non-familial) perpetrators will actually seek out commonly isolated sub-cultures in order to wriggle into the mix.
Another example: child actors have “too much to lose” to report the talent agent, producer or director who so readily rapes him or her. In cases of child fame and fortune, you’ll even see cases where the parents take the lead in cover-up efforts (e.g.: Feldman and Haim).
In my case, the perpetrators were older boys of the neighborhood whom were well-liked, up-and-coming sports stars of the town. They achieved effective isolation so powerful, they actually flaunted the abuse and even threatened to tell my parents about what I did for them. They leveraged their community role. They were so bold with the power of their isolation tools that they would antagonize and dare me to “go ahead and tell.” Once, the leader, the alpha-perp, got in my face and screamed, “Why do you let us do this to you?”
A surgeon saw damage done to me and never reported a thing to anyone. He even commented on it (during a rectal exam) to a nurse who accompanied him–“What’s going on here?” That cannot happen so easily today, as doctors and others have a “duty to report” such evidence. But in 1972, it was ignored.
If a case reaches the ears of the police in wealthy neighborhoods, country clubs, etc., pursuit of safe and truthful discovery is rarely realized. The “rich kid” cannot be a victim of sexual abuse. He comes from a good home. The maid had to have misunderstood what she thought she saw.
The perpetrator’s exploitation of isolation, combined with the child’s highly effective work at covering-up, makes for a very difficult environment of discovery. Each player’s efforts combine hide the sexual abuse in plain-site.
The boldness of the perpetrator can be discouraging to the child beyond comprehension. When the child discovers that his or her methods of secrecy and protection are highly effective and readily believed, they feel self-destroyed.
Photo credit: Flickr / Capture Queen (TM)
Wow…..thank you, Mr. Brown. As the mother of a grown son who recently committed suicide, your words pounded thunderous in my heart.
Often, the message of how to protect oneself is difficult to convey to our youngest children. If you have that need, we can help…..www.thegorp.com and a program called GORP’S SECRET. The Chicago Police use it with great success as do many schools, etc.
We have to empower the kids so that they’ll speak up, no matter what.
Heartbroken mother who loves/hates your words, but applauds your dedication.
Thank you for providing such an insightful article. Only when we expose the strategies that take place, can we then take away their stronghold to the situation. People turn a blind eye to such situations and even adults tell children to “stop telling those stories. It’s not true”. We need to navigate the environment now with such knowledge and be courageous to call on behaviour that seems peculiar. It’s about bringing the truth to light, breaking the secrecy and acknowledging the pain of the victim so that they can heal when offenders are taken to be accountable. You are very… Read more »
Thank you for your work around this issue. If you need any assistance or information feel free to visit our site http://www.1in6.org.
Todd
My God, it is such an insidious evil in our society! I look at the increase in suicide in society with new eyes. The breakdown of our society and the promotion of porn and ignorance is heartbreaking.
I commend you for your perservance in the face of societies ignorance and apathy.
My goodness, what a powerful message. You are very brave for posting this. I am saddened and dismayed. So glad drs & therapists, teachers are all mandated reporters today.
A strong and effective message. Very powerful.
Great article, Robert.