James Landrith believes that compassion should not have gender labels, nor be attached to a cynical hierarchy of suffering.
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On January 15, 2012, I told my story to the world via The Good Men Project. This article was quickly one of the most popular on GMP for months. It gained traction again lately, which garnered new interest and the usual trolls and haters that all survivors find when they go public. The following comment was left on the article this week by “Allison”:
“Though it is unfortunate that you went through something so traumatically disgusting, it wasn’t life threatening as it is when it’s men against women. Overall, men are far more violent (for example, war is not a product of femininity) and that sucks because men are physically stronger 99% of the (biological) time. Some women are raped SO hard that thy can never have children. Some women are even murdered after rape, because the rapist doesn’t want to be identified. Men don’t usually tell their stories of abuse because they want to appear strong, but for every man, there are hundreds of victimized (silent) women. So I apologize for not being too sympathetic, it’s just that your (rare) experience was merely unfortunate, NOT widespread & detrimental.”**
For the record, since “Allison” believes she is an expert: Rape IS traumatic. Rape is not cookie-cutter. Rape does not conform to a single format. Physical injuries are NOT universal for men OR women. Further, sexual violence is not trivial for ANYONE. Use of minimizing terminology and being informed that what happened to me is not “detrimental”, but “merely unfortunate” is ridiculously commonplace. As a male survivor, I’ve run across this mentality repeatedly from both male AND female rape apologists.
Since “Allison”, brought it up. Let us talk about the physical damage rape can do to men. I’ve known men who have recurring physical problems, needed surgeries (sometimes multiple) to repair the damage following brutal attacks. I know men who fight PTSD, deal with regular nightmares, self-harm, panic attacks, anxiety, suffer a complete loss of trust, have difficulty holding down jobs, interacting publicly and living full, happy lives. Yet because they are not female, “Allison” believes it to be of no consequence.
- This, is why so many male survivors do not speak out.
- This, is why so many male survivors suffer in silence.
- This, is why many male survivors take their own lives, rather than seek the help they desperately need and deserve.
- This, is why cynical gender-based politics do not equal survivor advocacy. Those engaging in such are doing so at the expense of the survivors they see as expendable and unimportant.
Compassion should not have gender labels, nor be attached to a cynical hierarchy of suffering. True compassion, sympathy and empathy are independent of such arbitrary and irrational excuse-making, arrogance and rape apologia. “Allison” is a rape apologist and a miserable excuse for a human being.
Male and female survivors need each other. Together, we can actually counter the shaming, victim-blaming and disbelief we face from strangers, friends and even family. We can use our unique perspectives and experiences to make our lives better. What we don’t need, are examples of false compassion and blatant minimizations, as demonstrated above. What we don’t need, are gender warriors co-opting our traumas to make broad-brushed, ideological statements that put personal politics above survivors needs.
I’m trying not to hate the world again, but arrogant, sexist, hateful rape apologists like “Allison” make it extremely difficult.
**Editors note: The comment on the original post has since been deleted.
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Links for anyone searching for help for a male survivor of sexual violence are listed below:
Men Recovering from Military Sexual Trauma – Men Recovering from Military Sexual Trauma seeks to empower male survivors and their allies and raise awareness of male survivors of sexual crimes in the military.
Male Survivor – Committed to preventing, healing, and eliminating all forms of sexual victimization of boys and men through support, treatment, research, education, advocacy, and activism.
1 in 6 – 1in6 helps men who have had unwanted or abusive sexual experiences in childhood live healthier, happier lives.
Survivors Manchester – A survivor-led/survivor-run voluntary organisation that aims to create and facilitate a safe space for male survivors of sexual abuse and rape to work through personal and sometimes painful issues.
ManKind Initiative – A national charity that provides help and support for male victims of domestic abuse and domestic violence.
Mankind UK – Since 2000, we have been delivering specialist support services to men (18+) who have experienced childhood sexual abuse and/or adult sexual assault at any time in their lives.
MatrixMen – Run By Survivors for Survivors, Raising awareness about the effects of sexual abuse and sexual assault on a man’s life, and helping men heal.
South African Male Survivors of Sexual Abuse (SAMSOSA) – An organization has emerged to provide a support structure for non-offending male survivors of sexual abuse and rape.
After Silence – An online support group for survivors of sexual violence
Pandora’s Aquarium – A message board and discussion forum for survivors of sexual violence, operated by Pandora’s Project.
RAINN (Rape Abuse & Incest National Network) – Male sexual assault information.
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Photo: Davi Ozolin/Flickr
NOTE: Lina’s victim-shaming and trivializing comments have been removed. This is not a forum for attacking survivors of sexual violence and writers who are sharing their stories.
Clearly you are an arrogant rape apologist who has internalized rape culture to the point where you feel ENTITLED and PRIVILEGED to dictate to a male survivor that YOU get to decide what they EXPERIENCED. Do you fail to see that as DISGUSTING behavior on your part? I live in the U.S., where the laws differ from the U.K. (where I assume you reside based on your grammar) and are decided from state to state, not nationally. Further, most rape crisis centers in the U.S. AND the U.K. consider my experience rape, regardless of state or national laws. Reality exists… Read more »
No, it’s not deleted at the time I wrote this. Perhaps it’s been re-instated?
Thank you James for your bravery and courage to heal from your trauma. People like Allison don’t realize they are retraumatizing the victim by minimizing their distress and shame. I, too, cringe at some of the hostile feminist attacks on men as being rapists and violent. Most men were raped when they were still children and often assaulted by women as well as men. Yes, we don’t get the outrage in the press like female victims do and it takes courageous voices like yours to give voice to male victims. As far as violence goes, most male perpetrators have been… Read more »
A hierarchy of suffering.
That is exactly what Allison is supporting. This Allison thinks that since you are not a woman that was raped by a man the crime was less than, your pain, trauma, experience were less than, and the help, sympathy, and compassion you get should be less than what would go to a woman raped by a man.
Such bullshit.
You’re speaking up James not only is that surely do you some good but I bet its doing good for a lot of other men out there too.
Stay strong.
Stay strong personally and in your efforts to help others. Our instinct to find common ground is noble and I have faith (the belief in things unseen kind of faith) that it wins out against the small minded instinct to hold onto one’s turf. Take care.
Some of the most anti-rape when it’s female victims people can be some terrible rape apologists when it comes to men, always needing to make out how worseeee the women get it. There was a female writer on very popular sites who regularly talks about rape who does this even on articles about male victims…the incessant need to say how worse women get it.
Mr. Landrith – You are to be commended for bravely sharing your personal trauma and hopefully through your advocacy, other survivors maybe provided the necessary courage/assurance to heal & seek help. Pioneers at the forefront of an issue, always encounter resistance: naysayers, trolls, haters. As their vitriol reaches a fever pitch, you know you’re advocacy/work is on target, keep pushing.
Wishing you all the best, your message is important.