Sometimes the best way to get rid of shame is to talk to someone who has been there.
“Ron” spoke to me by phone a month ago and said that I was the first male to whom he’d ever spoken about his sexual abuse. “I need to talk to a man—to someone who can understand.”
We hung up after more than forty minutes and I reviewed many things Ron said. Here’s one part that touched me the most: “The term self-loathing fits me. I’ve never felt I was as good as other men or that I could measure up to what a man was supposed to be.”
He went on to tell me that for years, whenever he walked into a sports stadium, Home Depot or any other place where men were present, he kept his head down and couldn’t make eye contact. “I was sure they looked at me like I was weak and worthless.”
He admitted he didn’t know any of them, but in his mind, “they were judging me.” Ron has two children and he said, “I cowered behind them or put my arms on their shoulders. I felt that if men saw me with kids, they’d think I was also a real man and not an effeminate weakling.”
The next day, I emailed Gary, also a survivor, and asked if he would contact Ron. I was the first male to whom Gary had spoken to about his abuse—and that was four years ago. He’s made remarkable strides in his healing. Gary responded to Ron immediately.
In an email yesterday, Ron wrote, “Having people like you and Gary to relate to is helping me. I’m beginning to understand why I felt the way I did. For the past week, whenever I encounter a group of men, I stand tall and look at them. I know I am a man. I don’t have to cower, feel ashamed, or think of myself as a lesser man than they are. You and Gary are helping me to become a stronger person.”
To some it might seem as if nothing profound had taken place. A man decided to break the silence of his abuse by talking with other men. He’s finally able to believe that others have struggled with the same issues because of the molestation in his childhood. He’s heard from Gary and me and believes there’s also hope for him. For those of us who’ve gone through such experiences, it is profound and life changing.
Ron is learning to walk with dignity because two other survivors shared their stories. Their experiences validated his own. That’s why Gary and I and many others tell our stories. We reach out to help men like Ron.
Each time we lift up someone, we grow and deaden the pain of our own childhood. All of us win by helping each other.
Related article: Unveiling the Taboo: Days of Dialogue to Prevent Child Sexual Abuse
Photo credit: Flickr / Karen Roe
Hmmmmm, not unlike AA…
If there is a name for it, someone else has gone through it…
Powerful. And just a reminder, it isn’t only the victims of sexual abuse who can feel insecure in their masculinity, or like they don’t measure up to what I man should be.
I’m not a victim of abuse and these are things that I have a hard time with sometimes as well. Although I would imagine sexual abuse victims might have an especially tough time with these issues, based on this piece.
But the issue of feeling like you’re living up to what a “real man” should be doesn’t end with sexual anise victims. Thanks for discussing it.
Someday I guess. Someday other men will listen. The men around us will listen. My best friend for over 30 years listened. He was never told any details really. He read some of my stuff online, in the press and on TV. He heard the general story. One of my major goals is to dissuade the myths that surround male childhood sexual abuse. The myths kept me silent and they keep millions of others silent as well. They kept me wondering if they applied to me, and wondering why I did not feel they applied to me. But SO many… Read more »