Randy Ellison explains the psychological grooming recalled by many survivors to have been used by their abusers to create a false sense of relationship.
As adults, survivors struggle with the grief, guilt, and betrayal of childhood sexual abuse. Randy tells us the story of his journey towards healing and self-worth.
This is probably the most complicated and least understood aspect of child sex abuse. 90 percent of all perpetrators are known to the victims, with 30 – 40 percent coming from the victim’s immediate family and only 10 percent strangers. The other 50 – 60 percent of perpetrators include older kids, babysitters, teachers, ministers, coaches and leaders in youth-serving programs. So to state the obvious, in most cases victims usually know their offenders and are related in some way before the abuse starts.
Offenders take advantage of the trust placed in them. They can be so calculating, and the abuse so gradual, that it goes unnoticed or undetected. It is not uncommon for the victim to even think this is a normal part of the relationship. Even if they know on some level that there is something wrong, it can be incredibly difficult for a child, who is a victim of power and control, to rationally separate the abuse from the normal parts of the relationship. Most abuse starts with what is called grooming, where the offender uses attention, flattery and sometimes gifts to gain the trust of the child. The grooming behavior of the offender validates the victim and the abuse invalidates them. I believe that because of this grooming and manipulation, most child victims think the abuse is either normal or brought on by their own behavior.
As a survivor I may have many rationales for why it happened, but no matter what, I truly believed in my heart it was brought on by something I did or did not do. The mantle of shame was mine to wear until I finally did the work to be able to take it off.
In my mind, I believed that I had brought on the abuse, leaving the real offender off the hook. I had completely separated the abusive behavior from the person whom I loved and looked up to. And even though I eventually realized this just wasn’t true—and that blaming myself hurt me in the long run. At the time though, it helped me avoid facing the truth and kept me sane. I had to see the offender almost daily, so now with the abuse locked away under my guard, I could “normalize” my relationship with him When I was around my abuser in public everything was normal, so no one would suspect what I thought I had done. The interesting part is that on every other level I had great respect and deeply loved my abuser and as long as I keep the secret locked away, it was easy to show love for him.
In my case, my offender was my minister. I idealized him. He was my mentor. Everyone, including me, thought he was an amazing gift from God. I wanted to grow up just like him, but I thought I could never be that good. After the abuse ended, I would still go see him on a regular basis. Three years later he performed my wedding ceremony. A year after that he performed my mother’s memorial service. I continued to see him on a decreasing basis until I was in my early forties.
I never once thought, “you bastard, why did you do that to me.” It was my self-esteem that suffered. I was the one with shame as a constant companion. It never dawned on me that keeping the secret was hurting me. Some part of my brain figured that was the way to be “normal.” “Nothing wrong here!” I thought. Unfortunately that denial and dissociation could not possibly be more destructive.
If you find yourself where I did, try to begin speaking your truth. Find someone safe and just blurt it out. That is the start. The shame isn’t yours to carry—it belongs with the perpetrator.
I think you will find you have a lot to unpack once you risk starting. Be prepared, this healing thing is not a destination, but rather an unending journey. Here’s the spoiler: on the healing path, you will go to amazing places, meet incredible people, and see, hear and feel things you never imagined. Safe travels and may your journey be blessed.
Speaker, author and advocate for victims of child sexual abuse Randy Ellison, himself a victim as a teen, says he works on the issue because “we can’t stop the cycle of abuse unless it is not just acknowledged, but talked about, understood and prevented.” Author of the book Boys Don’t Tell: Ending the Silence of Abuse, Ellison is a child sexual abuse victim’s advocate and an activist promoting cultural change on this issue working with local, state and national organizations addressing abuse prevention and awareness.
Ellison is a founding member and former board president of Oregon Abuse Advocates and Survivors in Service, OAASIS. Working with OAASIS he has helped pass groundbreaking legislation in Oregon on child sex abuse. He is also a member of the Oregon Attorney General’s Sexual Assault Task Force.
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Thank you for this insightful and succinct essay…. Sometimes it is hard to describe the mix of feelings one feels toward an abuser, who was also a trusted mentor….sometimes it is easy to be overwhelmed by feelings of rage and frustration (“How did I fall into the trap?”)…. And I see that perhaps my abuser was abused by someone he trusted once, too….but the cycle of abuse has to stop somewhere… And how can we stop it if we dare not talk about it? My abuser is still a trusted and well-respected member of the community… Fortunately, he is several… Read more »