Sherri Rosen is worried that despite all our advances, we are still not focused on raising boys to be emotionally open and compassionate.
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I am worried.
As a grandmother I am worried about how our boys are being raised. Are they being raised to be emotionally literate? I grew up in an age where women were ignored—where they were thought of as only good for being wives, mothers and sex objects. The Women’s Movement changed much of that and allowed women and their partners to become more humane with one another. During this time I was raising four boys, and I so wanted them to not only speak from their head, but be connected to their hearts. I encouraged them to feel. One even got mad at me when he got older, saying, “why did you raise me to be so open?” That was quite shocking to me, to have my own son be angry at me for raising him to be open, but I got it. He couldn’t understand how to have an open heart in a culture that only emphasizes using your brain. It’s very painful and one has to be very courageous.
When I began dating online I would see the same thing happening. Many of the men had no connection with their hearts and would constantly speak to me from a place in their head. If they were open hearted with me it lasted for a short amount of time and then they closed up. I feel grown men aren’t emotionally literate. In the beginning of dating online, I thought it was me. I kept saying to myself each time I met someone new, “this one will be different. He will be able to relate to me with an open heart. He’ll be able to share his feelings.” And if he did, it was exciting, but it lasted for a short amount of time. Most of the men I dated were not used to expressing their feelings.
What I see now is us concentrating on our girls, wanting them to be competitive in the job market, and giving them all of the opportunities available to them. But we are ignoring our boys. I don’t see or hear us encouraging our boys to be kind, gentle, considerate, or respectful. I don’t see us supporting our little boys to have an open heart. We complain that men don’t feel but don’t stop to teach boys how. We seemed to have ignored our little boys by not asking them what’s wrong, but telling them to man up and stop crying. Why aren’t we encouraging them the way we do little girls? Why do we tell girls they can be anything they want to be so long as they are happy and give it their best shot, but boy have to be the best, the strongest, the smartest or fastest before they get our approval?
The old ways of raising our boys aren’t working—and I worry that the advancement of technology discourages verbal face-to-face communication even more. I don’t see how it encourages emotionally intimate conversations other human beings, and I worry it will create a space where boys will fall even farther behind. If we don’t teach our boys to be emotionally literate they will never learn about compassion, and what kind of society will we have then?
I have so many questions and concerns. Although we have made many advances in the way we talk about and teach masculinity, there are still many problems. Boys receive mixed messages daily, “you have to be in touch with your feelings, your feminine side,” comes in the same sentence as, “you have to be strong,” or “man up.” We as a society seem to be confusing the issue of what masculinity is more than ever before. If there is an answer I don’t know what it is. I would love to hear your thoughts.
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Photo: Kris Mouser-Brown/Flickr
Hey Sherri, did you know your response to me ended up in the trash? Not exactly sure why, I didn’t see anything offensive about it. Check it out and see if it can be posted again?
GMP will try again responding to Tom.
I agree with you with Feminism. The way it began released women from their prisons but it became something else than when it started and i agree with you Tom that it began to castrate men, and now there is an imbalance in our culture.
There are some young boys and men that i have met that are open, honest, kind and wonderful. but not many.
“The old ways of raising our boys aren’t working—and I worry that the advancement of technology discourages verbal face-to-face communication even more.” I will definitely agree with the latter part of this statement but it applies to everyone, not just boys/men. Now for the “old ways” comment …. What do you consider the “old ways?” Do you mean the real old ways of intact families? Or do you mean the “old ways” being the family structure since the evolution of feminism where an astronomical number of boys have been and are being raised without an active dad in their lives?… Read more »
Dear Martin, it is not my point to denigrate men. I am just sharing my personal experience with how open and honest my sons are and how I have experienced men in our culture, and worried that we aren’t paying enough attentions to our boys. It’s also great to open up a discussion like this. I agree with you that some women are hard and bitter, but we need to find a balance between both. Thank you for your feedback.
Hi Sherri, thanks for drawing my attention to your reply. I appreciate your response. I accept that it’s not your intention to denigrate men, but I think you might be upset if I wrote an article asking: “Are we raising girls to think logically?” The idea that men aren’t emotionally literate is as bad a stereotype as the idea that women can’t think straight. If it’s your personal experience that’s what it is. You can’t really ask the question you have asked based purely on personal experience, not logically. You’re extrapolating from your personal experience to stereotype all men (or… Read more »
Martin I wouldn’t be upset if you wrote something about women, because you would hopefully be curious and invite other people’s thoughts, feelings and idea into a dialogue.. You are posing a question and asking other people for their point of view. That is how we learn from one another, don’t we?
I’m 56. I don’t recognise that stereotype amongst my friends in all that time, although I recognise the stereotype. There are men who are open and compassionate and I’ve met many women who hard hard and bitter. What we know from psychology is that how infants are treated leads them to feel loved and able to love or afraid and potentially aggressive in adulthood. What I do recognise however is that some women want men to be more like women (the reverse of Professor Higgin’s heartfelt cry in Shaw’s Pygmalion). Men are every bit as emotionally literate as women, and… Read more »
I think Jason will think that the guy hit the nail on the head!
I think Jason is definitely on to something. Just like I think Joe Ehrmann does, as well.
http://www.coachforamerica.com/meet-joe/videos-of-joe
a short audio on what this man calls “hypermasculitnity”. check it out and see if you agree from a male’s point of view.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LNfg1cOzws4&feature=youtu.be
To my mind we raise boys to be emotionally blocked in the usa. Conversely, we raise girls to be emotionally incontinent.
I think everybody would be a lot healthier if men & women were raised somewhere in a functional healthy middle that taught kids to both express but master their emotions.
James and Jason I realized after writing this piece I didn’t give any genuine examples of my sons being open. So one example I want to share, about my younger son, Eric, had 2 stepbrothers, and they were both younger than he, and he was so kind to them. He treated them like an older brother. I learned from Eric with his kindness to his stepbrothers. Eric would explain to his stepbrothers why something was wrong if they got out of line. They would listen to him. Also both of my boys had a bad taste of anti-seminitism when we… Read more »
Perhaps one problem is equating being in touch with your feelings with being in touch with a man’s feminine side.
Perhaps changing the wording to things like “being strong enough to open up” will get more traction with guys that are conditioned to be tough and strong?
I think this issue needs to be addressed a lot more. I am very passionate about going out and speaking to these boys and explaining to them that expression emotion is not a weakness. I grew up in the hood, so I know how courageous you have to be to go against the grain to express your true self. I want to connect with a group of other men and go out and speak to these kids. I have stories about my life that they can relate to. I want to help re-define what manhood is so we can bring… Read more »
Oh Jason, that is wonderful that you will be working directly with men and young boys.