FYI…It’s called “Adultery” and it’s one of the Ten Commandments. Check it out sometime.
I was in the shower Sunday night when a thought ran through my head. I have no idea why this thought ran through my head or where it came from, but it was there.
I stood there a moment, body puff (there has to be a more manly name for that) and body wash in hand, and I realized that this had the makings of a rad blog post. So I set them down, half-ass dried myself off, ran across the hall to my room, grabbed my little idea notebook and scribbled “Amy Grant is a whore. Jim Bakker/Swaggert”.
I then returned to the shower and began thinking about what else I could write. I slid the curtain open, reached for my Blackberry, and BlackBerry Messenger’d (BBM’d) a friend, who I use as a muse.
I BBM’d this muse and said, “I’m in the shower and had an idea for a blog post. Besides Amy Grant, Jim Bakker and Jimmy Swaggart, can you think of any other Bible thumpers who got caught cheating on their spouses?’
The response? “Sadly no. You naked and wet is all I can think about.” I wasn’t sure if she was serious or if she was mocking me. I choose to believe she was serious, though the mocking seems a legitimate possibility.
My next thought was that as soon I type the phrase, “Bible thumpers” I will have the whole right wing up my ass. Then I realized that Bible thumpers don’t read my blog and if they do, they’re not very good ones. Plus, I don’t really care what they think.
Why did I call Amy Grant a whore? Because she is. Who is Amy Grant? In case you don’t know, she was the Christian Pop Princess who got caught banging Vince Gill. I couldn’t remember all the sordid details, so I Google’d “Amy Grant whore”. Here’s the Readers Digest version.
Amy was married to Gary Chapman when she “allegedly” started nailing Vince. She divorced Gary and married Vince. Several years later the new happy couple ended up on the cover of Good Housekeeping.
I used “allegedly” in the last paragraph because some Jesus freaks will try and make you believe that Amy and Gary were already divorced when she started seeing Vince. You and I know that’s a crock of shit. They don’t want their precious diva to look like a harlot. But she is. Big time.
Before you go thinking that I have a problem with God, relax. I don’t. I like the G-man and I’m pretty sure he kind of digs me. My problem is with Christians who strut their morality for all to admire, then get busted for being, well, human.
If you’re going to get up in front of the world and say, “If you follow God, you should model your life after me,” you ought not be boning people who aren’t your spouse.
I heard that Amy’s husband had a drug problem and that’s what led to the divorce. I understand that, but Amy had an infidelity problem. They were both smoking something/someone they shouldn’t have been and the reality is that neither one is a good thing.
If you think Amy Grant is the only high-profile “Goddie” who enjoyed sex outside of marriage, you’re mistaken. Jim Bakker nailed Jessica Hahn and paid her to keep her mouth shut about the sexual relationship and about the fact that he ripped off the followers of his PTL Club (Praise The Lord) for more than $3.4 million.
Bakker was sentenced to 45 years in federal prison for his criminal activities and fellow televangelist Jerry Falwell called Bakker a liar, an embezzler, a sexual deviant, and “the greatest scab and cancer on the face of Christianity in 2,000 years of church history”.
Sucks to be you Jim Bakker. I hope no one rapes you in prison the way you raped people out of their money, thinking it was going to do the work of the Lord and instead was paying for hotels so you could bang a skanky church sexretary secretary.
Anyone remember the famous 1988 scandal involving televangelist Jimmy Swaggart? The short version is that he found out a major New Orleans holy-roller minister, named Marvin Gorman, was having several affairs and he ratted him out, thus getting Gorman “defrocked” (un-pastor-ized).
Gorman was pissed for being ratted out and had his son and son-in-law stake out the Travel Inn, where they took photos of Swaggart entering and exiting a room with a known prostitute. Gorman blackmailed Swaggart, who basically told him, “Bite me.”
Gorman blew the whistle on Swaggart and a short time later we all heard the famous “I have sinned, ” speech. “I have sinned against you, my Lord, and I would ask that your precious blood would wash and cleanse every stain until it is in the seas of God’s forgiveness.”
Swaggart didn’t learn his lesson and in 1991 he was stopped by the California Highway Patrol in the middle of nowhere (Indio, California) for driving down the wrong side of the road. The officer asked the woman in the car with Swaggart what she was doing with him. Her reply is priceless.
“He asked me for sex. I mean, that’s why he stopped me. That’s what I do. I’m a prostitute.” Rather than man up and admit he likes to bang the occasional ho, he told the members of his congregation, “The Lord told me it’s flat none of your business.” Uh, if they give you their money it’s absolutely their business, asswipe!
These are but three of the reasons I have a problem with a lot of organized religion. Too many people figure out they can make a buck off God, then behave in ways the majority of us would never consider acting.
By no means are all churches like this and in fact, I would say that the vast majority of churches in the United States are doing good things. But when you use people like this as the window to the church, don’t be surprised when we get turned off to your shtick.
My final comments are directed to those that will back Amy Grant and call me a douchebag for saying what I said. Yeah, her affair is controversial. Do I have proof that she had an affair? No. Do you have proof that she didn’t? Your answer to me had better be no! The bottom line is, only a small handful of people know what really went down with that, but perception is reality. FYI…It’s called “Adultery” and it’s one of the Ten Commandments. Check it out sometime.
About J.R. Reed
Duuuuude. You put that bloody “Baby Baby” video at the end of your post. I hate that song. Anyhoooo…. #4: Michael English. He was a HUGE Christian pop artist in the early 90′s. He and a bunch of other Christian artists were on a Christmas tour in 1993-1994. That tour included the group First Call. Apparently Michael and one of the chicks from First Call “hit it off” and she got knocked up. He was married at the time and the scandal broke right after he won a bunch of Dove Awards. He gave the awards back but… really?! Woo hoo. Yay you. Screw the marriage but I’ll graciously hand over my awards. Okay… I’m done. I just wanted to give you another example.
And now… I’m thinking about you naked and wet in the shower. Go figure.
I only put the video there to prove how crappy she is. I remember the tour you’re talking about. As I recall, the chick was kind of hot. Thanks for the extra proof and feel free to picture me anytime you want…
OK, I am not religious. Let’s just get that out of the way.
Religious leaders who steal their followers’ money? Who sleep with prostitutes? Who pay hush money to cover up these indiscretions? Who hide behind the word of God when they are called to account for their misbehavior?
Fuck those people. Fuck them all.
But a woman who sings Christian music? A woman who finds herself in a moral dilemma? A woman whose husband may or may not be fully committed to their marriage? A woman who realizes she is in the wrong place with the wrong partner? A woman who struggles to find her way?
That’s not the same situation, babe. It’s just not.
I am all for marriage if it works. I have been married 20 years.
But marriage is only as strong as the commitment the TWO people bring to the promise to stay married forever.
Drug abuse, alcohol abuse, physical abuse, mental abuse, infidelity . . . these can be deal-breakers.
The only people who know what happened in Amy Grant’s marriage?
Are Amy Grant, her first husband, and her second husband.
Everybody else needs to shut the fuck up.
She didn’t steal money and lie about it. She didn’t pay her lovers to be quiet about her indiscretions. She didn’t fuck prostitutes.
Far as I can tell? She found herself in an impossible situation and did the best she could.
And I am not just making apologies for a woman because I am a woman.
Marriage should be forever.
But sometimes it just doesn’t fucking work out that way.
And you?
Should not stand in judgment.
Even if you are all naked and soapy and cute.
What?
I totally get where you come from Kris. I really do. You know that I have nothing but the utmost platonic love for you, right?
I know that there is a huge difference between Amy Grant and the likes of Swaggart and Bakker. I just feel like when someone (like Amy Grant) stands in front of the world and says, “I’m a good Christian woman, watch the way I live my life”, she should be extra careful with the way you handles her shit. If she wanted to be “that person” (and her lengthy Christian music career proves that she did), she should end her first marriage before she begins looking for #2. That’s what I’m saying.
We agree on a few things, because I did say that there are only a small handful of people who know the real story here. I will take your advice and shut the fuck up as soon as I make this last point:
“Amy Grant is a whore” sounds a lot better as the title to a blog post than does “Christian heathens”. Know what I mean?
P.S. Thanks for saying I look all “naked, soapy and cute”. Now I know who was peeking in the bathroom window the other night…
And I will just say this . . .
You do not know Ms. Grant did not end her marriage before she slept with Mr. Gill.
You do not know that.
As for whether she went “looking for #2″ before her first marriage was over?
You don’t know she did that either.
You assert an intentionality that you simply do not know was there.
Sometimes life happens on its own schedule.
Sometimes life is messy.
You know that better than most.
And next time?
Crack a window, babe. The steam is interfering with my view.
Kris,
If you’ve read my blog as much as I think you have, you should have realized by now that I don’t know shit! Thus, I don’t know why you’re surprised by any of this.
I will crack the window to give you a better view. The girl next to you will likely be “the muse”. Apparently she was thinking good thoughts when I BBM’d “in the shower”. And by “good thoughts” I mean, well, you know what I mean…
Kris,
P.S. If there is no one standing next to you outside and you see someone in the shower with me, that will be The Muse. She says she doesn’t mind if you watch. Apparently, she’s good like that.
Dude, what about Ted Haggard? Maybe that’s a post in itself.
Liz, the sad reality is that I could have gone on, and on, and on, and on about this subject. Ted Haggard is another great example.
I saw that video and felt some horrible dread and nausea come over me. When I was 13 I had to lip sync “Baby Baby” for my 8th grade drama class. Oh, the horror. One of my most embarrassing moments in school.
I have to agree more with Kris on this one… I get your point about Christians being hypocritical, but looking at Amy’s situation and all the GOOD she has done around here it’s a bit harsh to me.
Still love ya though.
Angela,
Thanks for still loving me and I am truly, deeply sorry you had to lip sync Amy Grant. I cannot even imagine the emotional scarring you must have from that! : )
I am not the most religious of people, for my own reasons, but I like what you have to say here. Bottom line- a true “Christian” is one who lives their life as morally responsible individuals who believe in the word of the Bible. The evangelicals who rely on others faith in God for their own agenda are sick. The “bible-thumpers” who try to shove their beliefs down your throat, well, I get what they think they’re trying to do, but are they really true Christians or are they feeling guilty about some of their own life discrepancies?
Those are the thoughts I got while reading this.
And one other thing, maybe next time if you invite me to join you in the shower, it may bring you even more ideas.
I can always use more ideas! Towels are in the closet. The one in the corner. yeah. That one…
Eh, we’re all hypocrites at some point. I think we all declare things and then the universe says, “Oh yeah? Let’s test that theory.”
Or so that seems to be my experience.
I totally agree T. Thanks!
I see Kris’ point. Grant isn’t as smarmy as Swaggart and Baker are, but I see your point too. IF she was unfaithful while still married, she should be the last person to hold herself up as a paragon of wifey virtue or as part of a wedded partnership to emulate.
Steven Curtis Chapman was another Christian singer who admitted to infidelity. I don’t feel sorry for any of these other people, but I won’t be taking relationship advice from them, or see any of them as anything other than flawed people who got caught. Would they have been as open and honest if they hadn’t been outed?
the thing i dont like about organized religion is that it is judge-y….
ironically… that means i cant in turn judge them any more than i would let them judge me…
that said i dislike a “holier than thou” waaay more than a “skank”…sooo … ummm i guess that means my friends are fun at parties…
xoxo
Thanks for the comment. How come I never get invited to these skank parties? I’m fun. Right?
I am one of the least perfect people in the world, and I try not to judge anyone. That said, kudos for the blog. I would never cheat in a relationship, let alone a marriage, and you are right when you say that a person should get out first, and start the new relationship only after the first is over. That’s always been my mantra. Also, don’t hold yourself up to be a paragon of virtue if you know you can’t follow through. I hate hypocrites. Great blog. Btw, it might just be getting crowded outside your bathroom window.
Thanks so much Becky. Check back often for more good shit. Like tomorrow when my friend Nucking Futs Mama is guest posting some good stuff! If you’re going to be at my window too, then the muse will probably have to join me in the shower. Just to make room for you…
Nothing like a sensational headline to draw people in…
But don’t forget Commandment #9:
You shall not bear false witness against your neighbour.
Why don’t we nail all the superstar athletes to the wall in your next post J.R? The Drew Brees “Sportsman of the Year” Sports Illustrated double issue ends with a nice commentary by Selena Roberts called “Real Wives of Pro Athletes.” It starts off with: “The married Knick entered the team hotel elevator with a hot chick in the bag; I walked in with a chicken sandwich in a sack. “Uh, is that dinner?” he asked, trying extra hard to be nice to a beat writer who knew that the lady draped around his waist like a garland was not his wife.”
Selena does not go on to name the Knick but sadly drives home the point that, “Infidelity may be no more prevalent among athletes than it once was, but on the bare-all public stage, it is now part of the daily narrative.”
People need to worry about their own lives – seriously! Jenny has it right in your December 30th guest post when she says: “And even though I’ve made a personal choice not to tune in, I am still subjected to these idiotic girls almost every flippin’ week. You see, the publishers of Us Magazine apparently get their rocks off by featuring one of these train wrecks on the damn cover, and I want to spit fire when I see their mugs staring at me in my mailbox.”
Now, if you will excuse me, I need to get ready for the Bills and Jets this weekend in the Battle of Ryans: Fitzy vs Footsie…
Best,
Ralph Hass
- Heard weekly on the “Thurman Thomas TV Show” for the Buffalo Bills
- MSG-TV imaging voice for the NHL’s Buffalo Sabres (2006 – 2009)
Ralph,
We’ve never met in person, but I hope the next time you’re through Buffalo, you will let me buy you wings and beer at Duffs (unless you’re more of an Anchor bar dude). I read that story and I’m actually working on a “what’s wrong with sports” post and I was including some of this in there. You are the man and I appreciate your comments. Have a happy new year, eh….
I can’t do it. I’ve been so brainwashed by the Amy Grant PR team that I can’t besmirch her name. My only consolation was seeing how fat Hubs #2 got after they married. That’ll teach her.
But the rest of it…total self righteous assholes are EXACTLY why I no longer go to church.
And yeah, I have to say I was envisioning you in the shower.
I grew up listening to Amy Grant. I always liked her a little more than other Christian artists (which was all I was allowed to listen to in childhood) is because she struggled. She even had a song about her desire to be unfaithful – Faithless Heart – which I thought was rather brave and honest. She did some stuff that pushed boundaries in Christian music and raised questions that a lot of folks in her industry were not happy about, and that made me respect her more than others. I don’t listen to her any more, because like everyone raised in a strict religious household, I hit my rebellious streak and never looked back (and I like to rock, a lot).
I don’t view her same way you do – but I do get your point.
I agree with Kris, though, that comparing her to other religious leaders who were unfaithful to their spouses is a little bit different. In her case, I guess the difference is she didn’t get caught – and she didn’t steal.
I grew up in Jerry Falwell’s school, and my mom taught there (from 6th grade to until I graduated) and the stuff he did in the name of God sickened me. There are a lot of people who lost a lot of money with him, too, in financial deals that went south, and his attitude was always “Oh well” and rather cavalier. Much of what I saw caused me to turn my back on religion altogether for many years. God is still alive and well – but religious folks on Earth cause me a lot of heartburn. I hesitate to even call myself Christian because I don’t want that association.
I consider myself a Christian and a follower of Christ. I can confidently say that Jesus himself has a problem with a good bit of “organized religion’. Unfortunately the ‘church’ as we know it involves people and anytime you put humans into the equation you also have to faction in the human condition which involves self servitude.
I can see where you come from. Unfortunately most of the people you mention especially the ministers have what has been labeled the Elder Brother complex, or from the Prodigal Son story in the New Testament. They seem to overlook their own indiscretions because they are criticizing others. Kind of the whole ‘speck in your brothers eye and the log on yours’.
It seems many of us(including me) have missed the main point about the Gospel.
Jesus came to save sinners(including Amy Grant). She did commit adultery.
And she will continue to break may other laws, just like you and me.
I don’t know if Amy confessed or discussed about her past. If she is humble enough to change and move on, God will forgive her and we should too.
I also noticed many here who seem to have left “Christianity” due to the actions of “Christians”.
“Christianity” was meant to be a relationship with God and it seems many are pointing fingers at every mistake made by “Christians” (who themselves will continue to make mistakes.)
What about Christian who really live out God’s love? These are the ones who will inspire us.