I would let Thor hammer me

“Mr. Drama Queen’s Mom called some Canadian a douchewad.”

After my heart attack, my two next door neighbors gave me movie passes so I could go chill out sometime. I decided to be a good dad and take Drama Queen and a friend to catch Thor in IMAX 3D on Saturday night. Here’s how it went down.

Let me first say that I am in no way homosexual. I’m also saying that there’s nothing wrong with being homosexual. But I’m not.  I dig the ladies.   I’m just saying that if I were inclined to love men (which I’m not), I think I would let Thor, uh…hammer me.  Or let me hammer him. Either one.  Now that I think about it, that second one might be the way to go.  On to the story…

Drama Queen’s friend came over and we headed towards the theater.  It was a bit early, so since I was kind of hungry, I asked the girls if either wanted something to eat.  No one from the back seat was hungry, so I figured we would cruise to Barnes and Noble.  A book store is a good place to kill 30 minutes.

Not three minutes after walking into the store, I was approached by the girls.  “We’re hungry,” Drama Queen stated.  “No you’re not,” I replied.  “Less than 10 minutes ago you both said you weren’t hungry.  You just want the tasty, sugary treats in that case in front of you.  Suck it up.  You can have the Walmart candy when the movie starts.”  [ I'm getting raped for the ticket and for the refreshing fountain beverage, I think I'll skip the screwing for the Sour Patch Kids by bringing my own!]

When we left home, I was hungry and wanted nothing more than a hot slice (of pizza) from La Nova, but they weren’t hungry.  At least they weren’t until they saw the sweet crap at the bookstore.  I should have stopped for a slice anyway.  Damn.

I gathered them up at the appointed time and we climbed into the car to cruise up the road to the Regal 18.  As we were nearing the parking lot exit, some guy turned out of an aisle and almost broadsided me.

The crappy part is he wasn’t even looking my way when he pulled out.  He just pulled out without a care in the friggin world.  As he did, I screamed, “What the hell, douchewad?  Don’t you know how to…oh.  He’s Canadian.  That explains a lot.  You need to learn how to drive, eh.”  From the back seat all I heard was loud laughter.  Shit.

I was up front,  mentally kicking my own ass for being a crappy parent and they’re laughing? This is probably not good.  There may be repercussions down the road.

We arrived at the theater without further incident and found that we were the first ones in line for the 7 PM showing.  The girls immediately hit one of those stupid photo booth things and soon were jamming two strips of odd looking photos directly into the lenses on my glasses.  These two need to chill.

At 6:30 they let us in and I immediately headed towards the top. “Daddy.  Can we sit away from you?”  Drama Queen asked.  “Yes, please.”  I replied, with 100% sincerity.  They chose seats just six away from mine and proceeded to scarf their smuggled candy.

While waiting for the movie to start, I played Words With Friends.  I enjoy the game, but I think someone needs to modernize their list of acceptable words.  I plan on putting together a list of words they should allow and I will post that list as a blog post in the near future.

What led me to the idea of this new blog post?  As I sat in the theater,  I tried to play a perfectly good word, but that word was found not acceptable for WWF.  What was that word?  “Pube”.  Why the hell is pube not on their acceptable list? I feel like I’m being punished for thinking outside the box.  [I'll pause a moment to see if you got that last joke...]

Last week I tried to play “Klan” and was rejected.  I don’t support the Klan, but if I have K-L-A and a playable N, I should be able to exercise my constitutional right to free speech.  Can I get an AMEN?!?!?!

As the previews started, the MENSA in front of me started complaining to his wife that his 3D glasses were messed up and that she needed to get him some new ones.  Hey loser…why don’t you get your own damn glasses?  Or at least wait for her to offer to get some for you.  Oh.  By the way…your glasses aren’t broken, genius.  The first few previews weren’t in 3D.  Holy crap.

I saw a preview for Green Lantern and I have to say that I’m intrigued by their choice of Ryan Reynolds as the hero.  When I watched Van Wilder jack off a bulldog, I never imagined he would go on to play a super hero.  Please don’t think that I’m one of these comic book geeks or anything.  God no.  I have a life.  I read the comic books as a kid, but stopped many years ago.  Many, many, many years ago.

This isn’t a movie review, but I thought the movie kicked ass and I will say that in my humble opinion, they did a great job with the casting of some of the lesser roles.  I’m a big Renee Russo fan from way back and who doesn’t like Hannibal Lechter?

As we left the theater, Drama Queen asked if her friend could spend the night.  I thought about it a moment and said OK.  I had a reason behind my yes.  I thought the other mom would say no and I wouldn’t end up being the dick.

So they called.  And mom said yes.  Shit.

Long story short.  We went home and later her mom dropped off some clothes.  I went to bed around 11 and asked them to turn the TV down.  And they did.  For about 15 minutes.

I yelled at them to turn it down.  It was only 50 or 60 feet away, but I might as well have been yelling to the next county.  I was too lazy to get up so I texted my daughter and asked her to turn it down.  She did, but an hour later I was again awakened to the sound of Nick Teen or some crap like that.  Again I texted and again she turned it down.  This happened one last time, around 1:30, but eventually they drifted off to sleep on the couch and loveseat.

If ever there was a movie ripe for porn parody, this is it.  Seriously.  Think about it.  If you he said Thor was a dude who has a huge erection, and gets all Mighty God of Thunder with nails the hottest chicks from the 9 Realms while wearing a red cape and that shitty metal hat, I would totally believe you.  I could see that happening.   I mean, dude would still be throwing his hammer.  Just in a different way.  Right?  If they need a writer for the script they can use the CONTACT JR link to do so.  Fingers crossed.

P.S.  About those repercussions I mentioned earlier…When they called the mom about the sleepover, the friend said, “Mr. Drama Queen’s Mom called some Canadian a douchewad.”  Damn.  My rep as a good dad has been blown.