In case you haven’t heard, the world is ending tomorrow at 6 AM. I’m not sure if that’s Eastern, Pacific or that time zone your computer or phone is always set to when you get it. No matter what time, if the world ends tomorrow, it’s gonna suck ass. Big time.
You might think that since my life currently
kind of sucks ass, that I would be all about the rapture happening, but you would be wrong. I have stuff I want to accomplish. There are things to do. I want to live to see if Drama Queen will need therapy twice a week or if one session will do.
If the worlds ends tomorrow, I guess I can essentially do whatever the hell I want tonight. I mean, if I was somehow teetering on the brink, I would probably stay home praying and watching reruns of Highway to Heaven and Touched by an
Uncle Angel. But there is no way I’m teetering, so I need to come up with something cool for this evening.
I don’t have to go to extremes, because it’s not like its my last night on earth, right? I mean, if this rapture thing happens, I can picture a huge change in what is considered acceptable by society.
I envision the return of XXX porn to the big screen. Dude, can you imagine what hardcore would look like in IMAX 3D? Holy shit. It would make John Holmes feel inadequate. Of course, after the rapture, when you go to the 18 screen cinema to watch your filth, you will probably be able to buy Snoop size fatties at the concession counter.
Can you imagine how many hotdogs and ICEE’s they would sell if they sold medical grade cannibas at the theater? That would be epic. Of course, I assume you could always sneak in your own blunt and eat your own candy. That shit could happen because anarchy would reign, yo.
One reason I’m excited for the rapture is I want to see who won. Do the Christians go to heaven or is if the Jews? Maybe it’s the Mormons or the Jehovah’s Witnesses. My money is on the Christians, mainly because I’m Gentile and because I don’t believe that God talked to a dude with gold tablets and I refuse to harass people at their homes on Saturday morning.
You notice I left Muslims off the list. I’m not saying they may not have originally been the chosen people, but I think OBL, the Taliban and the rest of the crazies may have soured God on the choice. See what happens when you mess with the White Devil?
One shitty thing about getting left behind is that I’m stuck with all the douchebags. There has to be a way to let the cool heathens stay, while making sure people like Pacman Jones, Mel Gibson, Tyra Banks, Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber go to their own special place. If we could get rid of the overzealous Goddies and the douchebags, the world would be an amazing place to live.
You know who else is getting left behind? Those assjackets from Westboro Baptist Church. For the record, God doesn’t hate homosexuals. He hates all of you. A lot. There is a special place in hell for all of you and if the rapture comes tomorrow, I hope God takes you there in a chariot pulled by homosexual soldiers. That would be epic, huh?
Assuming you haven’t been swept up to Heaven, on Monday there will be a major announcement. Come back and check it out.
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