My first date in Canada

Do you have some American in you?

When I moved to the Toronto suburbs in January of 2009 I had some very high hopes for myself as far as dating goes.  I figured that I was gonna roll into town and every woman was going to want a piece of the bald American.  I was the suave guy doing the morning show on a brand new rock/alternative radio station and I figured that the chicks would be all over me.  I was to be “J.R. in the Morning” and when the ladies said that they wanted their J.R in the morning, I would reply with, “you can have J.R. in the morning, in the afternoon AND in the evening!”

I thought a lot of things.  It doesn’t mean it all happened.  Or any of it for that matter.

As I mention in a previous post (Oh Canada), the station never even went on the air, but for the first six months we thought we were only getting delayed, so I still had my hope of one day owning the province of Ontario—at least my little part of it.

Before I left California I already had my lines planned out.  I remember hanging out at a New Years Eve party with Bone and his wife Mama.  Mama’s dad, The Carpenter, was there too, as was her sister, The Artist.  I was laying out my game plan to them and telling them how it was going to be.  In all fairness, I was drinking a bit that night.  But I still believed most of what I said.

My new favorite pick-up line was to be, “do you have some American in you?  No?  Would you like some?”  I was also going to go with, “Hi.  I’m J.R. in the Morning, but you can have me anytime you want…”

I was boning up on my Canadian.  I made sure to say “touque” instead of beanie.  I threw the word “eh” into as many sentences as I could.  I remembered that when I went to the Beer Store I should order a two-four.  You have to say “a two-four”, because as I learned, if you order a case (24 beers), they look at you like you just spoke Russian.

BTW…The Beer Store is the name of the province owned outlet where you have to buy your beer.  You can’t go into a regular store and purchase beer (or wine or liquor).  It’s a very communistic society and alcohol is expensive as hell.  A 12-pack of Molson Canadian is around $20.  I can buy a 30-pack of the same stuff in New York for  $20!  To get your beer you walk up to a counter, order what you want and they shoot it out to you on a conveyor belt.  That part is kind of cool, but the rest of it sucks.  Back to the dating…

I was looking forward to being the local rock star.  I was hip.  I was single.  And I was more than ready to mingle!  “Look out Canada,” I exclaimed.  “J.R. is coming!”  I landed at Pearson in Toronto, cleared customs and soon enough got smacked in the face with a huge dose of reality.

First off, the Canadian chicks that I met were for the most part, NOT the hot puck bunnies that I imagined them to be.  A diet consisting mainly of poutine (French fries with gravy and cheese curd), pizza, wings and beer kept a large percentage of Canadian ladies warm for the winter, if you know what I mean!

Second, they were not as enamored with Americans as I thought they would be.  I guess it’s because I was just outside a major cosmopolitan city like Toronto.  That and the fact that they can drive into the U.S. in 90 minutes, probably makes it less of a novelty than I hoped it would be.

Finally, I know that it’s hard to believe, but maybe—just maybe—I wasn’t as “all that” as I thought I was.  “What the hell, eh?”  I asked my friend Sam the Canadian.  I figured that I would be pulling chicks left and right and that my iPhone would be filled with phone numbers and e-mails from hot chicks.  Not so much the case.

I did have a few sporadic dates before I met Teacher, a woman that I went out with for a few months and one that you will begin hearing about soon enough.  The first woman I met online was a preschool teacher and she lived about 40 minutes from me.  She didn’t have a car or a license and said that she never had one since she lived and worked in the same neighborhood and that the subway ran right past where she was.  I thought it was a bit odd, but whatever…

I picked her up for the first date and we went to a local pub for some food and a couple of drinks.  There were two things about me that she said really impressed her.  Three actually.  First was that it was a Saturday night, the Leafs were on TV and I paid attention to her and not to the game.

The second was that I was paying attention to her and not to the other women in the bar.  I told her that I was out on a date with her and I wanted to get to know her so why would I not pay attention?  She pointed out that there were women in the bar way hotter than her and I told her that there was nothing wrong with the way she looked.  She was right though, there were way hotter women in the place.  But I was on a date with her, not with them and the reality was that my best chance at any physical contact that night was with my date and not with the hotter ones.

The third thing that impressed her were my eyes.  She said I had really nice, really blue eyes.  Sweet.

The night was more or less physically uneventful and we decided to go out again the next weekend.  During the week she and I spoke on the phone a few times and as Friday approached, her conversations became more and more, uh, colorful.  I asked her what she wanted to do and she said that she would like to come see my house and that we could hang out and watch a movie.  I assumed that “hang out and watch a movie” was code for something else and I was getting excited.

I picked her up and the first thing she said upon entering my car was that I should not be expecting anything to happen tonight because she was not that kind of girl and that she was not going to give it up on the second date.  I looked at her for a second and asked, “what about the third date?”  She looked at me and playfully said, “Maybe.  Why?”

I told her that if it was just a matter of playing by the rules that I thought we should go to Tim Horton’s for coffee and after coffee that I could take her home, circle the block and come back and pick her up.  Since I dropped her off and was picking her up, technically that would be the third date.  She was less than impressed with my logic and said just to drive to my house and we would watch the movie.

We got to my place, opened a bottle of wine and hit the couch.  We started talking about our family heritages and she mentioned that she was mainly Portuguese.  I paused for a second, took a deep breath and asked the question I had been waiting to ask.  “Do you have some American in you?”

J.R.

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About J.R. Reed

J.R is a full-time single dad attempting to raise a 14-year-old daughter without providing too many stories to relay to her future therapist. He is also the creator of the popular blog, Sex and the SIngle Dad. A former radio talk show host and color commentator, he’s also an off-the-hook cook, a bit of an argyle-loving dork and has a word in Urban Dictionary. J.R. has a serious guacamole addiction and a torta dealer named Danny.

Comments

  1. THANK YOU!! This is just the humor I’ve been dying to read – enough of the bullshit about how great I am and how lucky you are to have me in your life – it’s nice to hear once in a while, but I like many of your fans, want to hear the great stories of your past and somewhat revel in the fact that you are still able to get up in the morning, look in the mirror and say “here I am world … deal with it”. You’re my rock star and favorite blogger and just so we’re clear – the Canadian “hot puck bunnies” don’t have anything on me …. well, maybe they could but that would make for a future GREAT story. xoxo

  2. PSO, what an awesome thing to say to your man! J.R. you better treat her like the queen she sounds like. Best, Pippi

  3. Pippi, Thanks for the nice comment. I absolutely appreciate her for who she is and for who she makes me. I do treat her like the queen.

    P.S.O., You rock , baby! You’re right, the puck bunnies have nothing on you and if they did I would not only write about it, but I would hopefully be there to videotape it as well! XOXO back ‘atcha!

  4. Alls I know is that a quote from Seinfeld to George came to mind after reading this “Do you know how hard it’s getting just to tell people I know you?” …..hahaha…. You can be sooo cheesey bro!! ; )

  5. I need a few tips. I’m a full time single dad to my eleven year old son and about to start dating now after years of battling on alone.

    I’ve just started a blog about it at homealonewithdad.wordpress.com today (Feb 10 2010) and have an incredible tale to tell.

    Nothing much written just yet, but I’ll the first slightly interesting post going today sometime.

    • Ziggy, I will check out the blog when I have a few minutes. I have a few suggestions as far as dating. First is don’t settle. The right person will come along eventually–it may take a while, but she will. Second, if she has a problem with your son in any way or if she is mean, rude or just bitchy towards him or about him, get rid of her quickly! If you ever want to know more or get some one-on-one advice, send me a message on the “Contact J.R. page and I will get you my e-mail. As far as tips on the blogging, I suggest checking out http://www.dad-blogs.com for some networking. I write a column there and also at http://hotdads.blogspot.com. Get involved with Twitter and with Facebook as they are both good ways to market the blog and get your name out there. Good luck with it all and keep in touch. Why not subscribe so that you get all the new stuff. Also, become a fan of Sex and the Single Dad on Facebook. Both links are on the right side of the page…

      • Thanks for the advice JR. I’ve had a quick look at the two Dad sites you mention and will spend more time when there’s time !

        But there is something you can help with. Despite being involved one way or another with computers for a very long time, I’m still clueless about many things.

        I have set up a Twitter account and Facebook page, but am quite clueless as to how to use them as marketing tools. What on earth is the mechanism/ Is it just the business of making frequent postings ?

        Or is there some other magic button I don’t know about ?

        • The frequency of the posting isn’t as important as being consistent. That being said, I am a couple days overdue for a posting. When you post something, Tweet it and let people on Facebook know that its there. It is a slow start, but it will build. Also. go to FB and find groups that have similar interests to what you’re posting about and let them know as well.

    • Did I read somewhere that you wanted breakup stories for something you’re writing. If so, I have just started an unusual breakup story on my blog at http://homealonewithdad.wordpress.com

  6. Well, it made me smile… and Id probably have fallen for the going round the block thing too – just because that made me laugh out loud!

    • Thanks for the nice comments. I’m glad I could make you laugh out loud. I read your blog and thought it was pretty good too. In fact, I’m adding it to my blogroll as soon as I finish typing this comment back to you…

  7. That’s a great last line! I have no pick up lines, I’ve only dated one girl and I’m generally a nerdy guy who doesn’t get out much :-) Yup, that’s me. But, your stories are always fun so there’s that.

    • Keith, you found the love of your life sooner rather than later and that is a very good thing. You can live part of your life through me and I will live part of mine through you. I still laugh about the “guy getting killed on the plus sign” story…

  8. Women are truly weird.

    Sometimes I wish I was gay so I wouldn’t have to battle with this kind of female weirdness.

    Females are incomprehensible.

    • Boz, women are weird, but I can say that I’ve met my share of weird dudes as well–though not “met” in a sexual way. My friend gay Andy goes through the same stuff with guys, so I can safely say that it doesn’t matter if you’re male or female, you will have to deal with weirdness at some point. Thanks for reading

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